111.08.08b

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, and went to Michels for breakfast, and then the Shackled Amarr for a horrible fruit drink, to try to perk up. Sarr was there, along with some other Gradient pilots.

She has a new name. Anuko Janorra. Veren Fen came back from Amarr space with some records. including a picture of Anuko aged about 5. She has a history now. A family. A clan.

I thought she was happy. Happier than usual anyway. Veren brought back two other things. A head, that used to belong to a slaver, and a live slaver.

Sarrapis is beating the slaver every night before she goes to bed, beating him until her arms are tired and there's blood in the cell, and then for the first time she can remember she sleeps without nightmares.

She called in the trip to a planet I'd promised. I took her to a thunderstorm. There was flashes of lightning, and the body-shaking power of the rolls of thunder. It was fantastic. Sarr ... Anuko, looked like she enjoyed it, and after the worst of the thunder had passed, and we were standing in the rain looking south towards the retreating storm, she kissed me.

It was sweet, and brief, and sort of innocently sexy.

And I had to tell her I wasn't available. That there was someone else. I stumbled out something about a woman who I liked a lot, but wasn't even sure if ....

And Anuko was upset. She wanted to know who, and screamed "Now you tell me"

But didn't she say we were just friends? I've been trying to find the right time to tell her for weeks, and she's always drunk and feeling sorry for herself, or, more rarely, happy and I don't want to spoil it.

She demanded I take her back to station. It was an hour of uncomfortable silence except for the time I tried to tell her that I'd still be her friend. If she wanted.

I watched her walk out of the hangar. Shoulders set. Feeling like I've hurt another person because I don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand anything.