If you love someone

I wondered if Nelle was upset with me. She made herself very vulnerable to say what she did. I didn't really respond properly.

What does she mean? What does it mean when she says that? How do you decide that it's true? What if you're wrong?

I didn't want to say it and be wrong. Neither lying, nor mistaken.

I spent the day thinking about it. Flying around in a daze. Barely paying attention.

Carinelle called me, she was moving minerals in lowsec and I invited her to drop round when she finished.

We had dinner in my kitchen - We talked about a bunch of stuff. Morar, Siohban, Feinlyn, the rigidity of the Gradient command structure. Meklon.

The day she needed someone, and I was there. She called me her personal sun, that recharges her. She makes me burn brighter when she's around.

So I told her; I might be falling in love too.

A torrent of words fell out of me; trying to say what I was feeling and just getting confused. Through it all she had this silly grin on her face.

She told me that she has difficulty saying it. That it normally takes ages for her to get the courage to say it in a relationship. That it just slipped out; easily; naturally. That it felt good to say it aloud.

I haven't said it to anyone since I was 17. I was wrong then.

I don't want to be wrong this time.

She told me that we'll just have to take the risk, and she hugged me. I whispered in her ear

I love you

she whispered back

I love you too

She's usually so confident, but she stood there looking shy. Like she wasn't sure what should come next.

Without asking; without worrying if she'd disapprove; I picked her up. Carried her upstairs in my arms. She smiled for every step.

Who loves who the most?

Nelle is back from Eldulf. We met at the SA and said hello to the various pilots passing through, then made our excuses.

Nelle took me back to her place. To be alone. I got to hold her in my arms again. It's been less than a week and my arms miss her.

I asked after Cierelle, Rocius and the twins. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but they're important to Nelle. She thinks Rocius is curious about how we're doing, but won't ask.

Then she said she might be falling in love with me.

I didn't really process it. She said it quietly and I was in the middle of saying something else...

I've been avoiding calling her. I check my mail all the time to see if she's replied. I don't want to be a stalker. I told her that and she laughed and said she'd been avoiding calling me for the same reason.

We're both a bit hopeless.

I asked her about Else. Whether Else liked her. Nelle thinks Elsebeth doesn't approve of relationships that won't lead to marriage or something; that a proper clan background was important; that maybe Elsebeth thinks I'm wasting my time seeing Carinelle.

I asked what she thought.

She rushed a sentence out about marriage, about how maybe she wouldn't be bringing an important clan to Atamahara, but if she married me, I wouldn't have to leave, and they'd get another wealthy pilot, even if she was Gallentean.

I felt like someone had hit me in the forehead with a mallet. But it's not just us.

What about Rocius. Where does Desher fit in.

She doesn't know. Neither of us does. But she said that if this is going to last, she wants to do the right thing for all parties involved.

We both tell ourselves that it's too soon. And yet we're both thinking about it.

Somehow the subject of changing people came up. Nelle doesn't think you should try to change people; either it's a small irritation, which you should put up with, or it's a large irritation and you probably can't change it.

So I told her that people could change; how I'd changed; how the demons got out, and how they got caged again.

About how much I owe my Aunties; why I don't like doing things without being sure they're wanted.

Nelle kissed my tears away and told me it was alright. Then she took me to bed and held me in her arms for a long time, feeling closer than I've felt to anyone before. And slowly, very gently, she showed me I was wanted.

Aunties in training

I went to Lenfa's with Matariki to meet Elsebeth Rhiannon. I've never really talked to Else before in a non-official capacity. She's slightly intimidating. Carinelle says Else is up tight. I think me being there changed the tone of the conversation from how it would normally be when Else and Mata are talking. It was slightly stilted to start. We talked about stuff; about clans and feeling frustrated when people from outside the republic treat being in a clan as quaint.

We talked about growing up and taking on responsibility. Elsebeth revealed she was a young terror when she was 20, but became responsible since. Mata said she felt too young to be an Auntie, but I told her people do look at her that way sometimes.

We talked about anarchists, and philosophy. Mata seemed pleased with the way I've been challenging Bacchanalian, though she's not sure teaching them to think coherently is a good idea.

I told them how I felt more convinced of EM philosophy after Bacchanalian challenged me to justify it. That thinking of the reasons why it was good reminded me how good it was. Elsebeth and Matariki maneuvered me into running a class on EM philosophy at some stage. It's quite a challenging idea.

By the time we'd finished, it was feeling like we were almost relaxed enough to not watch everything we said in front of each other.

I'm not sure that Elsebeth approves of Carinelle though. She said something about people who are more interested in their own pleasure than duty. I'm not sure she was talking about Carinelle, but it seemed that way. My paranoia tells me that it disappoints her that Carinelle brings me joy.

Am I imagining things?

We had some good machines, but they don't work no more

Matariki and Jonny have broken up. I guess him asking her to marry him was him realising that it was falling apart and trying to do something, anything to save it.

Mata sounds like she's been crying a lot. She doesn't want to talk about it though. Not yet.

Maybe it's better when the Aunties organise things. You're probably not thinking straight when you're in the middle of feeling.

Very little fruit is forbidden

Nelle had a business meeting, talking to some mineral suppliers. It seemed to involve a lot of drinking.

She called me after she was done, and invited me over. We sat on the couch for a while with her curled up in my arms talking. I asked her if we were officially "together" now, and she smiled and said yes, she thought so.

We talked a lot. She seems very happy when she's with me. I wanted to know what the rules were. If some cute young thing tries to drag me home, is that a problem? Not that that's very likely, but I wanted to know.

She said it wasn't a problem unless I'd already said I was going to be with her that night. Then she looked slyly at me and said Unless you wanted to try a threesome.

I must have looked surprised, because she laughed at me.

I thought about it seriously, and I told her I didn't want to, because it would feel like I wouldn't be paying either of them as much attention as they deserved. I must have said something right, because she looked at me like I'd just given her something precious.

She said something about Sonja being right. And she held me like she didn't want me to get away.

Luckily, I wasn't trying to.

Shine like thunder, cry like rain

Work is less fun than it could be. I've fired a bunch of people for non-performance, and interviewed a couple more that I don't think we can use. Spys have made me more paranoid.

But if I'm too paranoid, we won't hire anyone.

Went to the BIONE party, saw Nelle, and she took me home with her. She has been approached by someone who wants her to be his top. He wants to worship at her feet. I'm not sure what that means. She doesn't sound like she wants him, but that she wants to help him. It's strange. I'm not sure how I should feel about it. She's taking on strays who need help. Is that what she did with me?

I don't think so. I think I've helped her as much as she's helped me. Sometimes she just wants to be held. Sometimes she wants more. I think I've delivered.

Gottii and Ciarente have broken up. I think they got too close or something and she panicked. It seems very familiar. Gottii doesn't want to talk about it, and I don't think Cia does either. I'm trying to be there for them. Cia told me his first name is Jacob. I never knew that. Later he told me that he doesn't like the name, since it was given to him by the Amarr. So I'm back to calling him Gottii.

He invited a bunch of people to his Lodge on Matar. I asked Nelle to come too, and she showed up late. Cia showed up late too, bringing a cake for my birthday. It was... odd. Suddenly there was more tension once Cia arrived, and when Nelle got there it felt awkward. I hope she didn't think they were tense about her. We talked about clans a bit. About how sometimes raising a child in a clan gives you more options. Cia smiled when we talked about how Silver and Ami were being Aunties for Camile. That they were helping raise Camille like a clan would. I think Cia liked that idea.

Mata was feeling sick or something and she went to bed early. Gottii and Cia retired soon as well, to different rooms... Nelle and I shared a bed, and she snuck off early in the morning.

Later, Gottii hassled me in a friendly way about the number of beds that had been slept in. I haven't really been hiding it, but he seemed to think it was good for me. He called me though because he was worried about Eva and KJ. They're happy now, but with one of them the CEO and the other the Alliance Executor, what will happen if they split up? Gottii's not really worried about Eva. But KJ took Sythra's leaving hard. Will he cope if it happens again? Gottii looked slightly haunted when he said that.

I will not tell them they can't try to be happy. They deserve the chance. I hope it works.

Just like I hope Mata is feeling better soon.

At the going down of the sun

His name was Joach of Tindar.

It cuts your life, like a broken knife

Someone finally explained to me what happened in the Shackled Amarr.

Meklon and BT entered, Meklon roughed up the bartender, and BT in his Blooder armour threatened Veranon. When Gradient security personel drew their weapons and commanded them to stop, Meklon drew knives and charged. They fired warning shots. Then they fired to hit. Meklon got a weapon off one of them and shot one of the guards.

That guard died.

Meklon was wounded.

There are pilots saying that BT didn't do anything really wrong. That Meklon was only acting in self defence after they shot first, so that's not a big deal.

The unspoken premiss is that the dead guard; not a pod pilot; that his life didn't really matter.

I have heard claims that pilots have to think that way. That they would go mad if they didn't disregard the suffering they inflict when they destroy a ship, or the suffering endured by their crews when they lose one.

I don't agree.

I have taken on a duty. I do that duty as best I can until I lay it down.

Sometimes the price of that duty is in lives. I do my best not to engage innocents. and to make sure it is my crew that makes it home in one piece.

But I do not pretend that there is no price.

That guard, the one who died, was doing his duty. Putting his life on the line to defend others, no different than I and other EM pilots do when we fly anti-pirate patrol.

I think he waited too long. He should not have fired a warning shot at a man with a knife. He should have shot to kill. But we have lead our crews to think that we are the good guys. We don't shoot first, especially not blues. We don't shoot indiscriminately. Sometimes the price of that forebearance is also in lives.

When I find out his name, I will remember it.

Life during wartime

Gottii didn't die. They stabilised him and clone jumped him out. New Clone. Younger look. He looks older though. More serious. Maybe a reminder that immortality doesn't mean that you can't die can make you more serious.

I tracked down an anomaly in our mining system for the miners. I can be useful without having to learn to mine.

Some guy tried to bounce me in a mission in Lustrevik. Twice. The second time I popped him. He showed up later in a typhoon wanting a kill. But I laughed and docked.

Another guy tried to aggress Ciarente, and a bunch of us landed on him. Got point and rounds on target but he extended and got away in low armour.

They're getting more aggressive, trying to taunt people into engaging. We can play that game too.

Matariki saw Jonny. Spent most of the day somewhere in Placid talking. She seems subdued, but when I asked said that they were continuing. That maybe they'd sorted some stuff out that needed to be sorted.

I talked with Bacchanalian - he tried to turn the tables and interrogate me about what EM wants. To figure out a way that we're the bad guys. I think I got our purpose across, and he admitted we're better than CVA, but that's hardly a good starting point, since he's shooting at CVA.

Bacchanalian blew up an EM pilot recently. Altaen. killed his Rupture, and then his pod. Bacch asked if we thought Altaen would want his corpse back.

It's such an odd question. I've been killed ... oh, half a dozen times. I have no idea where the remains are. What happened to them.

If I could, would I want them back? How strange would it be looking at the vacuum frozen face of your own corpse.

Matariki's laughing at a tabloid article about me. I have a new corp title "Relationship counsellor". Maybe that explains why Veranon called me. Siohban insulted someone in Gradient and was told she wasn't welcome. She's going back to Caldari space, and asked Veranon to come with her. To be with her. He kissed her goodbye and wished her a safe trip.

Then he called me to ask for advice. He's still worried about her, but he can't go back to the State.

I don't know what she was trying to do. She was so good at manipulating people, and then seems to have botched a couple of things really badly.

Nelle's back in Providence. Planning and scouting for a patrol she's going to lead. I still think it's a stupid campaign, and I don't need to go to nullsec again; but I want to be there; flying with her.

Her favourite colour is red.

The first of a million kisses?

Carinelle and I had another date. We were going to go out, but she was tired. It's been a hard week for her.

So I cooked her dinner, and didn't burn it. She sat and sipped a beer and watched me, and we talked. We talked about all sorts of things. She asked about Morar, and I told her about Vikarion.

We talked about Anuko. We talked about BT. We talked about Gina. Nelle thinks Gina's her sister, or maybe half-sister. A slave of an Amarrian pilot called Grrr.

We talked about relationships I know I can't keep you forever. You need a proper Sebiestor wife that gives you children someday.

My Aunties want there to be children. I don't have to be married for that.

I explained clan politics a bit. How Atamahara is matrilocal, that as a pilot, I'm an asset of value, and how if I get married it will probably be for political reasons. Maybe they'd prefer me not to get married.

So, what was that you were going to say about keeping me forever?

Well I might be tempted, ... if it turns out this ain't just a temporary crush.

I'm... I'm not running away from the idea.

And I'm not. It's a blur, a thrill. It's warm and comfortable, and a little bit scary. And I feel at peace when she's in my arms.

But she doesn't really know me. Nor I her.

So, what's your favourite colour? ...

It's a nice day to start again

Well, the Morar Shitstorm hit. Seems like some people don't want him to join ReAwakened, and I don't really blame them. Arkady let me know some more information, and I'm less and less comfortable about it all.

Cia still wants it though, and I can't really bring myself to deny her. If it goes wrong, I hope it doesn't do too much damage.

Jonny asked Mata to marry him. She's conflicted. Jonny doesn't really want to be part of the clan, and so she doesn't really know what would be different from what she has now. So many of the marriages we see around fail so quickly that it doesn't seem to be any sort of guarantee of a longer lasting relationship, at least not for pod-pilots.

Maybe it's something he wants because he can see her drifting away and he's trying to hold on? He doesn't seem spend as much time with her any more. Maia is born, and that tie has become less to Mata than it was, since she gave Maia to the clan.

He's invited her away to Placid for a surprise. She's nervous.

What will Jonny do if she says no?

Persistance is a virtue

Bacchanalian has decided he wants to sleep with Matariki. She keeps turning him down.

Bacch says his plan is to wear Matariki down, like drips of water on a stone. He says that in a thousand years or so, she'll say yes.

Gottii, playing with the VR in LM 2.0, changed Bacch's avatar to a dripping tap.

Then he started calling him the Millenium Faucet. When he told me, I laughed. Matariki laughed harder.

Ah, Gottii. I'm going to miss him.

It touches and it teases as you stumble in the debris

Nelle called this morning. Just to catch up. We talked a bit about the Meklon debacle, and we made plans for Friday night.

She's going to kick me around some at the gym, and then come back to my place.

I'm going to try to cook something. That could be terrible.

We stared at each other for five minutes, knowing we should end the call, but neither of us wanting to be the one who did. Grinning like fools or silly teenagers.

Finally I did it. I'm looking forward to Friday.

Hey man, you shouldn't do that. Don't you know you'll stain the carpet?

Some of the Gradient pilots are crazy. Veranon Kerger is now sleeping with Siohban, and called me for advice once Meklon found out. I told him to stay out of Meklon's way for a week or two; let him calm down a bit.

But no, Veranon had to take Siohban to the SA for a drink. Is he stupid? Meklon and BT showed up. BT clubbed him, which apparently was about all that stopped Meklon shooting him. Meklon shot at some people and someone shot him. Meklon did a runner, bleeding a lot. A runner straight to Eva's place. He bled all over her apartment and then left before she found him.

Veranon was stupid. And really, if Siohban wanted to end it with Meklon, he should have waited until Siohban had before climbing into bed with her. Thinking with something other than his brain I guess. Unless he has other motives and is being clever.

Or is it Siohban? Is she using Veranon to some other end?

And Meklon, what was he thinking? He's currently blue to us. Does he think he can shoot at our pilots or security staff and not pay a price?

And BT; Simeon. Carinelle likes him; has a history with him. She makes excuses. Says that if he hadn't hit Veranon, Meklon would have killed Veranon. BT is oathsworn to Meklon, and can't raise a hand to him. That's stupid too. But really, wearing Blood Raider armour to the SA to beat someone up? Way to send a message.

BT was put in the brig. Then he escaped, and came back again.

Everytime I get exposed to the intrigue and politics in Gradient, I like Re-Awakened more.

When duty calls

I told Matariki. She noted it was complicated, but thought I looked happy.

I am happy.

I talked about maybe showing Carinelle Paiho.

She asked me what I thought the clan would think. Would it interfere with the clan trying to marry me off?

It's not like there's been a line of people asking after me.

Oh, didn't you know? The Cuthill clan put an offer in for you last year. They want an alliance, and having a rich influential pod-pilot in their clan would be good too.

What? Nobody mentioned it to me!

Of course not, it wasn't a good enough offer.

Carinelle and I. It's complicated isn't it. I'm the bit on the side. Entertainment. She feels for me I think, but it's not something I can seriously claim is likely to produce children, or an alliance with another clan.

The Cuthill clan. I can't even remember where their lands are without looking it up. I would have had to move there, at least for a while. Get to know the clan; father at least one child; and use my influence for them outside the clan. They would have some claim on my isk, but then Atamahara does that now. No wonder the offer wasn't good enough. They probably still don't know exactly how much a pod pilot can make.

I wonder if I've even met the woman they wanted to marry me to?

Some clans, they have the woman go to the clans they marry in to. Atamahara sends the men away. It's alright for Matariki, even if she gets married, Paiho will still be her home.

I should have known this would happen some day, but I feel strangely disturbed by it. What if the next offer is better? What if the Aunties say yes? Would I have to give up Carinelle?

Complications

She invited me to breakfast, to the Shackled Amarr. It started so nicely, holding hands across a table.

She looked nervous for a bit, then asked me to promise her that, if I was unhappy; if she hurt me; I would talk to her. Give her a chance to sort it out. She's Gallente. I'm Matari. We're different. There will be mistakes; pain. But if we try, maybe we can work past that. Keep finding joy.

So I asked her how it worked. What the rules were.

I know she and Rocius are still together, and that he knows about me and Carinelle. Well, will know. What did she want from me? Not that there's been a line of women asking to drag me home, but if there was?

I'm still confused at her answer. She told me how her and Roc work, but said that she'd be happy to be exclusive to the two of us. And that she's not so wedded to her freedom that if she was with someone who wanted her all to themselves she wouldn't consider it.

She asked me again to promise to tell her if she hurt me, or if I was unhappy.

So I promised.

Then some Gradient pilots started coming in after their shift, with them came Meklon and Siohban. After a few minutes only Meklon And Siohban remained.

Siohban apparently knows BT, and Carinelle and BT had had an argument, and Siohban was trying to get Nelle to talk to BT, to sort things out.

Siohban is a member of the Caldari militia. They're technically at war with the Republic. Yet here she was, docked at a station in Pator!

I suggested that maybe this wasn't the best place for her. That she couldn't fight against the Republic for her day job, and come here for entertainment. That choices have consequences.

Meklon tried to come over all tough. The little threats that aren't quite enough to justify any response, perhaps leading to escalation and a fight. So I skipped all the escalation shit, and shot him in the face.

No, I didn't. But I thought about it.

Instead I told him to fuck off, and left. Meklon blustering at my back.

BT walked in as I got to the door and asked if there was a problem, looking at me in a way that suggested that he'd be happy to pummel me if there was.

I had to choose. Look hard or look down. I was tired of backing down so I said I didn't have a problem, did he? I just waited, passively, for him to decide if he wanted to push it. Before anything could happen though, Siohban ran over and wrapped her arms around him.

I left.

Carinelle caught up to me outside. She asked if I had caused a scene because of her? No. Meklon could annoy me all on his own without me thinking about his affect on her.

Siohban is not a simple case. I want to dislike her, but she's basically nice. Just on the other side. Carinelle feels the same. It would be easier if she was just the enemy.

Meklon however, I could dislike with hardly any work at all.

While we were talking, my datapad told me I had mail from Siohban - asking me to come back, and bring Nelle with me. Please. Nelle got one too. Then I got another telling me she'd made Meklon promise to be polite.

I told her I just didn't want to deal with him. Then she apologised, although I'm not sure why.

Nelle owed it to BT to try to talk to him again, even if only to organise a time to have a private talk.

I went off to work.

An hour later she called me sounding stressed. She wanted a drink somewhere that wasn't the SA. I suggested my place, and climbed into my stilleto to rush back as fast as I could.

She needed a hug. The talk with BT hadn't gone well. I listened as she told me about BT; Simeon; and it came to me that she doesn't see the scars on people's hearts. Maybe if she waits till the latest scar on Simeon's heart wasn't put there by her, she'll have more luck talking with him. He used to be with her, and she broke him. That's why she wants me to tell her if she hurts me.

I held her while she squeezed out all the pain and stress.

I asked her if she wanted a drink now, and she said she didn't need it. I had driven away her bad mood. She laughed and said that BT wad getting a much easier time of it with Nelle because I kept cheering her up.

And then, because she was cheerful, she asked me if she could keep me away from work for just a little while longer...

For today, I remember your smile

Today I'm older. Officially. More responsible perhaps? Last night I took Carinelle out to dinner. It went well. Really well.

She is interesting to talk to; She asks interesting questions; she answers my questions in interesting ways; and she looked really nice in her dress.

Whenever I started to get nervous, she had just the right way of reassuring me; yet it wasn't all one way. We're supporting each other. She's had a lot of stress recently, and I think I help with that.

The food was great. The atmosphere very cosy. The conversation was at times light and at other times serious. Important. It feels like we are getting to know each other at different levels; both surface and deeper.

I told her about Paiho. About my Clan, about growing up. She might be interested in visiting Paiho sometime, although she's a bit wary of the Aunties.

She told me about life as a station brat, about moving around all the time and not making many friends.

She has become harder since she became a pilot. I've become softer. We are not so different now.

I invited her back to my place. Offered her a place to stay just as a friend, or as a see what happens sort of thing. She smiled and chose the latter option.

I took her home. Wasn't really sure what to do next, so I put some music on; opened some champagne. She asked me to dance. It was sweet. Sexy. Right.

Then she asked me to carry her upstairs...

Afterward, she poked at my tattoos, and asked about their meanings. We talked about the wolf-jaw mark, and wondered what voluval mark she might get if she did it.

We talked about tomorrow. About how if it went well, we might try again the day after, and if that worked, the day after...

We fell asleep tangled in each others arms, and woke up the same way. My heart feels lightened somehow by that. I know that she's not mine. That this won't last longer than it is fun for both of us. But it is fun for both of us. At least for today.

And for today, that's enough.

And I held her in my arms

I went to the Shackled Amarr for breakfast today. Carinelle showed up. Confirmed plans for dinner. She was a bit upset about some of her Gradient wingmates and Siohban. She said she needed a hug from a friend. I held her tight willing her to feel my support.

I told her that, if she needed me to be just a friend, then I could do that.

Carinelle told me that she wanted me to be at least a friend.

She kissed me.

I'm having difficulty paying attention to my work today.

Us and them

I've been talking to a young pilot called Siohban in the EM public channels. She's very young. Naïve. I tried to convince her to leave her master and move to the republic. To be free. She's a pilot, they're hard to cage. But she likes it. Feels like she owes service or something.

Carinelle and I met her in person at the Last Gate. She came on the arm of Meklon, who used to be an executor of EM and Eva's husband. Meklon and Siohban seemed pretty smitten.

Carinelle had been pretty close to making a friend of Siohban, partly because she remembers Meklon fondly. Then she found out Siohban had joined a Corp in the Caldari militia, raiding Federation space; shooting at Carinelle's people. She feels a little betrayed. When she mentioned that to some in Gradient, they didn't give her quite as much sympathy as she expected.

I've had pleasant enough chats with people who were red to me, though often a little tense, and usually in a neutral venue.

Siohban seems to want to be our friend, and our enemy at the same time. I don't think life works like that.

You're the reason I'm leaving

I dropped in on the Shackled Amarr on the chance Carinelle would be there. She wasn't but there was a new Gradient pilot I hadn't met. Before I could go and introduce myself Anuko walked in.

She looked sober, which was good; but she looked nervous. Scared. She wouldn't get too close to me.

I asked if I could buy her a drink, not the smartest move in the cluster on reflection, but she said no, I couldn't. I don't know if this means she isn't drinking anymore or just that she isn't accepting drinks from me.

She introduced me to the new Gradieng pilot. Veranon Kerger, a Caldari who doesn't like the Amarr much.

He picked up quite quickly that there was something up between me and Anuko. He was trying to get us to talk about it and clear the air.

He's been in Gradient less than a month and he wants to fix things he doesn't understand. Shit, he wants to fix things I don't understand.

Anuko went to the bar and gulped a large glass of something to wash down a pill. Then she came back to the table looking calm. Drugged. Mr Kerger tried again to get us to explain; talk about it; sort things out.

I wasn't about to discuss my personal issues with Anuko in front of someone I met 10 minutes beforehand. Especially if she wasn't happy about it.

She said in a flat voice that we should continue. She didn't care. I said I preferred her company not dulled by drugs or booze.

She said she was drinking water, and the pills were prescribed; that I was flattering myself to think it had anything to do with me.

Regardless of how calm she looked, there was something wrong there. I don't think I broke Anuko. I think she was broken before I met her. But now I can't even be near her without making it worse. So I left.

I hope she finds happiness one day. But I can't help her find it.

I'm so happy for you, I could cry

Did an anti-pirate patrol with Gottii and Challis. Managed to get a pirate Taranis into half armour before he jumped and ran away. The rest of lowsec was pretty empty, except for a Thanatos, which we weren't going to tangle with. I like flying with Gottii, and three Vagabonds all temporarily flying with the same name was sort of funny.

Afterwards, Gottii and I met at the Shackled Amarr. Cia was there too, and K'han.

It was pretty obvious Gottii and Cia were " together"; at least for the moment. Cia is looking happy. I asked if Gottii was the reason and she said yes, she supposed it was.

Ah, Gottii. I think he's a nice guy and I have no right to be sad about it; and I can't really be angry. They both looked happy. I hope it works out.

After a few minutes, they started whispering in each others ears and looking so happy; joyous.

I mean, I can try to be happy for them, but I'm not sure I can watch at the moment. I had to leave.

Is that so unreasonable?