Beside you while you sleep

There's a pleasure that I get from watching people sleep. Especially women *. There's a relaxation in their face that makes them more beautiful, and a peace that comes from the rhythm of their breathing.

It's been a long time since I felt that. Cia never stayed; never let me see her completely relaxed.

Carinelle did. She was sad and lonely, and tired. And I asked her to stay. Well, offered to let her have the bed while I slept on the couch. But she argued for a bit, and we ended up sharing the bed. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, and I got to enjoy watching her breathe.

I fell asleep next to her. That's not something I've done often before, and I woke up with her snuggled up tight against me; warm and soft; looking young and beautiful with her makeup off, and tired - drained maybe.

She woke up after 6 or 7 hours sleep, and smiled. She kissed me, and offered more; but I wasn't sure. We talked about what we wanted.

Nelle's a bit confused and lonely I think. Maybe she wanted to distract herself with someone. I could have been that someone. She says she doesn't want to hurt me.

How did I feel? I wanted her, but it felt better not to. I want to be her friend more than anything else. I'd offered her a place to sleep, just sleep. And doing more would have made the offer cheaper - just a pickup line; not an offer of comfort from a friend who wasn't trying to get into her pants.

That was before I discovered that she wasn't wearing any.

She kissed me again, and it was... nice. Exciting. Lustful. And then she said I had no idea how hard this was; she got up; got dressed; Kissed me on the top of my head and left with a smile.

She called me later; to tell me that she'd enjoyed it; didn't regret staying, and joked about regretting leaving.

We're going to do dinner next week. Talk. See what happens.

* (Men seem to just drool into their pillows)

Day of names

Maia has had her naming day. Then there was the after-party. Jonny organised it for the Last Gate.

EM sort of invaded to celebrate. The room filled up, and even the host himself, Ethan Verone, decided to join us. For a notorious pirate he seemed to get on really well with Eva and KJ, and said that he regretted Elsebeth couldn't make it

Elsebeth. She's so proper that I find it hard to see her associating with a pirate like Verone. I mean Eva, sure - we are the dodgy ones after all - but Elsebeth?

Matariki and Jonny got a lot of gifts. Or rather, Maia did. There was quite a stack of them. Many of them were surprisingly touching. Pod-pilots remembering back to their childhoods and giving things that meant something to them. Some things that weren't replaceable. I don't think they are all as divorced from the mortal world as some would like to claim; or maybe they don't think they'll have children so are looking for other people's to give heirlooms to.

Maia made an appearance over a large screen holo link from Paiho. Maia yawned and burbled and faces in the crowd watched fascinated. It was interesting watching those faces as they looked at her. Some were looking quite touched. Maybe instead of destruction, creation could be attractive to them after all.

Free, to do what I want, any old time

Matariki had recommended that I drop in on La Maison sometime to meet new people. It's a virtual bar with a lot of isk spent on the VR so it's very real.

Matariki was there when I dropped by. She introduced me to a pilot who goes by the call-sign Bacchanalian. He's a Freespacer who flies with Rote Kapelle.

He's a psychopath. I asked some questions about freespacer philosophy and he couldn't explain what he wanted, except to use words in non-standard ways. "When you accept the truth, you'll understand" he said, several times.

I think he flies around shooting people in the hopes they too will become psychopaths and join him.

He has no regard for non-podders, and precious little for most podders. He thinks he's immortal, but I don't think he realises how much of the infrastructure that he relies on for his immortality is built and maintained by non-podders.

"So? They can be bought or coerced into doing what I want, and we'll be able to replace them with automation soon"

But he's very charming.

Depressed yes, Sad no!

The war is over. I'm feeling somehow bereft of purpose. If someone tells me to do something then that's easy, I do that.

I'm having difficulty thinking of things I want to do.

I tried flying some missions for the Sebiestor Tribe Bureau. It's a bit silly that the Brutor Tribe Bureau gives me more discounts than the Sebiestor. I felt tired at the end of it. Flying the typhoon just feels so slow. Lumbering. Most of my flying in the last couple of months has been in Rifters or Thrashers, and they feel so much more rewarding in their freedom of flight.

I went to the Last Gate last night. Hung around for a while, but it was practically empty. I think the staff were getting ready for the breakfast shift or something. Sat around for an hour and then decided to head back home.

Eva and KJ are being sweet. I'm happy for them, and I think they enjoy teasing me. I log on to a command channel and they pretend that I've just interupted something. At least I hope they're pretending or I'm interupting them almost all the time.

Eva seems happier than I've ever seen her. She's also around a lot more, instead of being off researching in her private lab alone. It's nice. The Corp is feeling more centered on her again, and I like that.

KJ also looks more relaxed. More at ease with himself. I suspect they really are suited to each other.

Strangely it makes me feel more alone. I haven't seen Sara in a month. I took Te Kahu to the End Of The War party. I think she enjoyed it as a social outing, but I haven't heard from her since. She was making noises about joining Gradient.

I need to do something. But I'm not sure what. Strangely, I've been thinking back to my time in the militia fondly. That would mean leaving Re-Aw though, and I don't like that idea at the moment.

I will make no large decisions right now. It's not entirely safe. I will try to get out more.

I will survive.

Cia has jumped into another clone. This one has been worked on by Silver's doctors. I think she's healthy now. She seems so bouncy. So alive. Like she's making up for lost time.

I hope she enjoys it.

Graft vs Host

Ciarente got sick, and accidentally shot at a corp mate during an operation. She was barely able to dock and wouldn't answer comms.

Ami dragged me along to find out what happened, and I had to pull rank on Cia's crew to get them to let us on board. I didn't like that. But if I hadn't Cia might have died- she was that sick.

Cia was dying - graft vs host disease. But the doctors caught it in time; barely.

She's in a new clone, but one of the old ones. Tired all the time. Dying.

After the war

We joined the war to defend our worlds. We seem to have helped. Now no system that had been Matari is still held by the Amarr. We are leaving; rejoining the Electus Matari so that we don't lose the feeling of being in the alliance.

So of course, now the Alliance is in another war. This time vs a pirate corp that joined the Matari militia to try and get plausibility. That hadn't stopped them shooting other militia groups though, so they are more dangerous to our militia than some Mary attackers.

It's all business as usual.

New Years...

The New year's party was interesting to a point. It was the first time I've had a chance to socialize with Eva in more than six months and it was fun.

In the middle of it, KJ kissed her. Seemed to surprise her. She didn't seem upset though, but then she spent the rest of the night with KJ trying to figure out what it meant.

I felt a bit cheated. But KJ has bloomed since and they both look so happy that I feel like a bastard for feeling that way. They are being like teenagers, they can't keep their hands off each other. It's kind of sweet really.