Commitments

I spent the morning in a bar talking to Carinelle. It was the end of her shift and she was looking for company. I like Carinelle a lot. She posts thoughtful things on the alliance boards, and I like the sound of her voice on comms when she leads fleets. She's also very pretty.

Carinelle and Rocius have an arrangement. Rocius' wife Cierelle knows and approves. They're even talking of Carinelle moving in with them. I thought she was safe to flirt with, and we were flirting gently for a while when I said "but you're taken" So it was a bit of a shock when she smiled at me and said it wasn't an exclusive arrangement...

I carefully backed off, started talking about Sarakai. Carinelle took the hint, and I hope she wasn't offended. I started thinking though. I do tea with Sarakai, and we talk and have started walking arm-in-arm, but we haven't discussed anything. She called me her friend, and that feels important, but ...

It's not like I've made any promises. Neither has she.

So why do I feel like I have?

Challenges

I've spent a lot of the week scouting. Sitting in a cheetah watching our war targets and reporting. It's been useful, but dull.

On Saturday I did lunch at Michel's with Sarakai, Amieta, Cia, Camille, and Helmi. Cheeseburgers. I hadn't seen Sara for a week or two, or Amieta - I think Silver is keeping them busy with his new carrier.

Someone from White Rose - maybe Vikarion - Sent Cami a laser rifle. Cia was very upset. Cami was upset that Cia wouldn't let her keep it. Cia also told me that Vikarions girlfriend was tortured so badly that they turned off the life-support and let her die. Perhaps Vikarion blames Cia and is trying to get back at her through Cami? I have no idea why he'd think that.

Sara's birthday had been a few days before. Amieta is pressuring her to have a party. Sarakai said Ok, if it's a small party. I mentioned perhaps taking her out for dinner, and she said she'd like that. We pestered Sarakai for a bit, asking what she wanted for her birthday. She admitted that a small piece of art for her room would be nice. I have to go shopping some time soon.

Cia's birthday party is next week. Cia said she didn't need presents (of course, Camille told her she was missing the point of birthdays). Cia said that what she'd really like was something to remind her of people, where they were from.

There was a discussion about the attack on the Caldari navy Titan. I didn't lie exactly, but I didn't volunteer that I'd gone along. Apparently Silver is quite upset about the attack.

Cami asked how much a Titan cost, and then when we told her, declared her intention to train to fly a Titan, and then go into business stealing them and selling them. I laughed, but Cia was looking like the joke was wearing a little thin.

On Sunday I met Sara in the bazaar and showed her Lenfa's. We had tea, and talked. It feels like we're in a comfortable place, but not moving much. She said she's starting to appreciate this friend thing.

We bought matching presents for Cia together, and I remembered to ask her about something Amieta told me. She's a combat training instructor, and I asked if she would like to throw me around a bit.

We've agreed there'll be no eye-gouging or groin strikes, and the winner gets to choose a place for dinner. She claims that desk work has been making her soft, but I've been sitting in a pod all week.

I have a feeling she's going to kick my arse, despite weighing half what I do.

The Task of Sisyphus

The sky over Caldari prime was filled with ships. Many of them were there to shoot at the Caldari Navy Titan. Some of them were there to remote-rep it, though I don't think that was necessary. There was some shield and some armour damage done, but it was quickly repaired. After 6 to 8 hours, things ran out of steam and people started departing as they finished their ammo loads, or lost hope. The titan was unscathed.

Some ships were destroyed either by concord or the assembled masses. Some people died.

I'm not sure I see the point really.

So why did I go?

It was partly for Matariki. She is very happy with Jonny, and I was showing willing. I was pleased when Jonny noticed me amongst the battleships on the field. Later I found out that Matariki was less enthusiastic about it.

It was partly for me. I knew it was mostly doomed before I arrived. But I went anyway. Enthusiasm. A chance to see a titan. To shoot at it. Maybe if we were gloriously lucky to be part of that glory.

Only afterwards did I wonder what my corp mates or friends might think.

Silver. Amieta. Sarakai.

The Utopian Ideal

I've been trying to organise a trip to see Sara for the last couple of weeks. The excuse was to visit The Utopian Ideal - Silver Night's Chimera class carrier. Finally, our schedules coincided, and I travelled out to the base.

The carrier is huge. 1.3km long. The dock has a significant marine presence .

Sara was waiting for me.

I wasn't really sure how to address her, so I called her "Ms Voutelen" in front of security. I was pre-approved, so was quickly inside the ship and walking around the internals. Sara took me to the bridge first. It was suitably impressive, and I tried to ask intelligent questions. She took me to the hangar next, via an internal transport system.

It was huge. The walk-way she lead me out onto was 100 meters above the hangar deck floor. The catwalk was very fragile looking. It took me a minute or two to stop my adrenaline telling me that I was too high with not enough support.

The hangar was mostly empty, with only a couple of ships in it. We were alone. I took the opportunity to ask how I should address her in front of the crew. She said as I was a captain, and in the same corp, first name would be acceptable.

The name thing seems like a game that I don't understand. I can tell that having her ask me to call her Sara was some sort of signal. Sometimes her mails are from Sarakai sometimes from Sara, still other times CTO Voutelen.

I think that means something. Some message that I'm failing to understand.

Sara took me to the fighter bays. Fighters are like frigates in size, though less modular. Sara mentioned that Caldari excellence at fighters was how they held the Gallente at bay during their wars, forcing the federation to go all in on drones as a way to compete. I've never walked around a fighter before - they're huge, although I guess that's relative on a carrier.

Then Sara offered to show me Amieta's garden. It was a place of life in an otherwise grey metal world. There are force fields between different types of plants that need different environments. Had I been a child I would have loved playing with them - moving from hot to cold and dry to moist, leaning against the forcefield trying not to put quite enough force on it to pop through.

I'm not sure Sara approved, but it was a nice place. Ami spends all her time here when she's not on duty or off ship. She does all the work herself. It looks like there's a lot of work in it.

Not everyone is allowed in - the general crew are allowed in the hydroponics area, but not Ami's personal garden.

Sara took me to the officers' mess for dinner. We got a table on our own, but it was still a public place with lots of other people around. I didn't feel like we could talk completely openly. Still, it felt like the first time we'd actually got to talk about something other than business.

The food was very good. But the point was the conversation. I asked if she'd enjoyed the dinner in Pator, and she said yes. I hadn't been sure, since she hadn't replied to my mails afterward. She said that if I had annoyed her, she'd just have security shoot me.

I think she was kidding. She does a very good straight face, so I can't be sure though.

At least I know I haven't annoyed her yet, right?

She even said that she'd be willing to give it another go, especially if she didn't have to wear a dress next time. I laughed and said if I didn't have to wear a suit it was a deal. She looked at me oddly and said she thought I looked very nice in a suit.

I told her about Lenfa's place in the bazaar. How sometimes I go there when I want to be alone, even if it is amongst so many people. She didn't want to intrude somewhere I went to be alone.
I think that's another message I need to understand.

I told her that it was an island of peace rather than necessarily somewhere to be alone, and I could share that with friends. That she'd be welcome, if she wanted to join me.

She looked thoughtful at that. But said that yes, she'd like to see Lenfa's place.

I have come to appreciate peace with Sara. Sitting drinking tea.

She told me some of the traditions of the Caldari and tea, and poison. I told her how I made tea for the Aunties when I'm home.

Sara said she isn't good with words.

So why do I enjoy our conversations so much? She said it was because she knew when not to talk. I like that idea. Like some music works best when it has spaces in the sound. It emphasises that which is there by framing it with silence. So I had to ask. Do I talk too much? She smiled and said no. I think she was even telling the truth.

I remembered to ask her if she'd like to come to a party. I told her Cia was throwing one, and had said I could bring someone. She smiled and said yes.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to see her in the bazaar sometime soon. To sit In Lenfa's and drink tea or coffee. To share a companionable silence. I think she'll like that too.

Aiming high

Jonny wants to shoot a Titan. There's a Caldari one parked over Caldari prime in Luminaire. It's supporting the oppression of the Gallente population on Caldari Prime. So he wants to shoot it.

We have a war coming, so I moved a Typhoon down now instead of waiting for the day. While I was there, I thought I'd drop in on the Athena again.

It was less tense. Zagamesh was the only one there. He said he didn't really care about the issue on the weekend. If Jonny was going to come in and wave his dick around, he had to expect to get shit for it.

That wasn't what I thought had happened, but I kept my mouth shut. I asked after Saigan Lazuli, since he had seemed more rational. Zagamesh said that Saigan had left STRIX, so his opinion didn't count for anything.

I decided STRIX aren't worth following up. They don't seem like people one could negotiate with. Their CEO at least doesn't seem completely sane.

Rapprochement

Cia invited a bunch of us to visit a bar in the federation run by STRIX - a Federation loyalist corp. I thought it would be interesting, so I showed up. KJ and Mata, Kenpachi and Taizu showed up as well. Cia brought a "friend" called Helmi Alpassi. she's Caldari, and about Cia's age, but she has the look of a bodyguard.

Cia was trying to maintain a sort of normal conversation while some of the STRIX people were talking about nothing but war and killing. I guess STRIX is a combat corp in the Gallente Militia. I think she wanted us to like the Gallente, and was a bit nervous about how things were going. They were also giving Helmi and Kenpachi some evil looks for being Caldari. Helmi took it very calmly.

The STRIX CEO, Zagamesh, is broken. He's been fighting so long that he doesn't seem to understand why. He wants to abandon the "phoney war" that the Gallente are losing and start a total war, cos that will go so much better for them. That the price of war should increase until the Caldari people demanded their politicians stop the war. That duty demanded hard choices. He said that too many people did not have the strength of character to become monsters.

Some of our people left during this speech - KJ and Matariki. It felt too creepy.

Cia said that Duty was used by people as a justification for doing things they wanted to do anyway. That it allowed them to say that it wasn't something they'd chosen, they had to do it, and yet they formed their idea of duty to allow them to unleash their nastier sides.

This bothers me a lot. I don't think it's true, but if Cia's right, it might be because I don't want to think it's true. I don't enjoy losing ships. I don't enjoy killing people. But sometimes, when I'm fighting someone and they nearly kill me I feel exhilarated. Joyous at survival; that they're dead and not me or my crew.

Then afterwards I think about the people on board. Were they all bad people? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know.

In some ways, the pod-kills are the cleanest. I know the one person I'm killing had choices. They chose to be in a Pirate corp, they've been warned by our diplomats. and usually their sec status tells me that they've killed a lot of people before.

And there are no bystanders. No people only following orders. I spent a lot of time thinking in the bar surrounded by conversation that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to.

There was another man there - Saigan Lazuli - who seemed pleased to see us. He actually seemed interested in the idea of EM having good relations with the Federation. He also seemed interested in closer personal relations with Ciarente. He appeared mostly sane and able to hold a friendly conversation, and to tell Zagamesh he was full of shit from time to time, in a friendly way.

He had a job to go to though, so left after a while.

Then Mata's Jonny showed up. I've never actually met him before, so I introduced myself. He seemed wary, but once I wished him and Mata well he seemed almost bashful, like he was surprised that they were working out so well, and quite happy about it.

Zagamesh verbally sparred with Jonny a bit, but nothing too nasty.

Then another pilot came in and seemed surprised at all the new people. She was Kaylie Jenn, and when she figured out who Jonny was she was pretty abusive to him. She's been in the Gallente militia 3 weeks and has all the fervour of the new convert. I don't completely understand the antipathy towards Jonny. Mata said later that when he had been running Stimulus Corp, they'd kicked STRIX around a bit and memories are long.

While she was arguing with Jonny, I noticed that he never backed down once. No politely ignoring bullshit to smooth things over. Always asking her to justify her insults. At the same time engaging her argument.

While the argument was going on, Cia tried to change the subject.

Cia invited me to a party. She's having a "dry day" party which is a tradition in her home town. It's also her birthday, when she'll be 21 and officially an adult. Currently she flies a battleship with thousands of people under her command, and she's technically a child. I think the invitation is a sign that things are improving between us. It's becoming normal.

I asked if I could bring someone, and she said yes. I must remember to see if Sara is available when Cia gives me a date.

It was surreal in many ways that there was a polite discussion of party dates in the middle of a room of arguing people. The tension was obviously building, and Cia was getting more panicky, trying to pretend things weren't going wrong.

Kaylie and Jonny's argument escalated. Jonny asked if she'd like a duel, and she backed down but continued abusing him. She doubted his skill, and he asked why, if she doubted his skill, had she backed down. He was fairly belittling of her, but she was ranting.

At this point I started thinking things might go hot, and Helmi obviously did too, since she moved from an observation position to being between Cia and the potential fight.

Saigan Lazuli came back and was shocked that everything had disintegrated so badly since he left.

Jonny and Kaylie were getting more heated, and I suggested Cia should maybe leave, but Cia started heading over to get between Jonny and Kaylie and tell them "couldn't we all just get along". Helmi stopped her. Took her by the arm and almost pushed her out the door. Kenpachi and I were guarding her back.

Saigan blocked the door and asked what was going on, what was all the unpleasantness about? He looked like he'd hoped we'd become allies and could see his hopes leaking away. Helmi asked him politely to move out of the way, with steel in her voice. He moved.

I told him he should ask his people, that this wasn't a friendly place any more.

Cia told him they were arguing over who was the most patriotic. He looked anguished, but didn't try to stop us.

Jonny followed us out, down towards the docks and the interbus depot. Jonny sort of apologised for the unpleasantness. That much of it was based on ancient history. But he didn't back down. Maybe I can see some of what Matariki sees in him.

As we walked down the corridors Kenpachi had a gun out; Helmi moved between him and Cia when she noticed. I left mine holstered, but I was ready to draw. We were surrounding Cia like she was the only one that needed protection. Was that right? She's a combat pilot. She told me once that she's stabbed people to death in cold blood. What makes us want to protect her? Or even think that she needs protection?

I'm obviously not over her.

Second chances

Mr Vikarion left a message for Cia in the public EM channel. Asking whether she'd had a chance to consider his "offer".

CJ asked in Alliance if she could tell him to fuck off and leave Cia alone. I suggested that really, that was Cia's decision. CJ doesn't think Cia knows what's good for her. I suspect she's right. But I remember a conversation I had with Cia, when we were talking about things that were important, and I would not try to take away her choices.

I was contemplating telling KJ about the "offer" though - Vikarion isn't red to us, but I suspect that's mostly because he's too far away most of the time. He's Sansha through and through, and I don't trust him having influence over Cia.

Cia came on comms later, and I did what I'd promised and passed the information on. Vikarion runs a program Cia called "Significance" which is cloning for non-pilots. There's a slow scan, and if you get killed you can come back from where the backup was taken. You lose the time since your last scan, the memories. Are you really you any more?

Still, Cia enrolled her entire crew. But the enrollment was cancelled when she left White Rose.

Vikarion's offer was to re-enroll them.

I decided now was a good time to tell her about Eva's theories, the ones she presented to the sleeper conference, about Memetic Infection. Eva thinks that with the right technology and information, it would be possible to infect a mind with something like a computer virus. Pilot minds are partially wired into a computer, and computers get viruses all the time. Eva thinks we're most at risk when jumping from body to body, especially when we've just been podded.

If it's possible for sleepers to suborn people who have been podded, then it makes sense that if they have months to work on the brain copy that's going to be implanted, that the Sansha might be able to do that too.

I suggested to Cia that she not entrust the minds of her crew to people she didn't completely trust. That I knew Silver used a similar program, and that I trusted him a lot more.

Cia told me more details about the program. What it did, how much it cost. That Silver used a commercial business rather than running his own.

If I had 5000 crew and I wanted them all enrolled, it would have cost 50 million, and to recover from a complete loss, 75 million to regrow them all. That's a lot of money.

But if I was flying my Rapier with only 500 crew, that's a very reasonable amount.

I could give them a second chance.

Relative Meaning

There's a museum in Illuin, where Cia invited a bunch of people to go for a social outing. It's nothing special for the most part, but a couple of things stood out.

There's a statue of a Pregnant Sebiestor holding a rifle in one hand, staring at her belly with a determined expression. She's by Mati Rata and is titled "One day this too shall be yours".

Different people obviously have different reactions to her.

Matariki thought the statue was telling her child that there would be fighting, but that there would be tools - that it was a message of self reliance and optimism. The Rifle was a Gallente model similar to the one we learned to shoot with when we were children, so Mata thinks of it like a promise to prepare the child to be free. That they need never be defenceless.

Cia seemed surprised that the weapon was from the Gallente. Perhaps it's a reminder to her of what the Republic owes to the Federation. I talked to her later, and she was sad too, that a woman has to think of violence at a time when she should be preparing for bringing forth a new life.

The statue made me sad, to think that before her child is even born, they have been committed to war.

Like I was.

Openings

I've been busy for the last few days. KJ has come down ill, and Matariki and I have been fueling a corp low-sec moon tower. KJ threw money at us, and we had to find out what was needed and get it down there. Mata was finding the materials and buying them, and I was hauling and loading. Mata is a little twitchy about going to lowsec at the moment.

It's something new. I've not been involved with moon towers before. It's an opportunity to learn, maybe get into the production side of things.

I did dinner with Sarakai. I wore the new suit - it's not as flashy as the black one with the gold courting patterns - and I like the subtle designs in the weave. Sara wore a slinky black floor-length sleeveless dress. It looked spectacular, but I'm not sure she was entirely comfortable in it. I don't think I've seen her out of uniform before. Later she said that occasionally she might like to try wearing it again.

It was the same restaurant I took Cia to, although I didn't organise a private booth or menu this time. Sara doesn't eat very much, so the food wasn't center stage. We talked. About clothes. About dressing up. About being alone.

Sara asked me if being alone bothered me. It had never bothered her, but she was starting to think that it bothered other people. I told her a bit about Cia. That it had been like stepping out from the dark into sun light that was both wonderfully bright and horribly blinding. That I had screwed it up. That now I noticed I was back in the dark, and that bothered me in ways it hadn't bothered me before.

She asked if I wanted to try it again. I said "Yes. One day. With a little more thought maybe".

Was that an offer?

I didn't think so at the time, but afterward I wondered if I was missing something.

Sara told me she had been alone from very early, after her mother died. She was running a street gang by the time she was 16. She got arrested and given the choice between joining the Watch and going to gaol. She quite seriously said that if she'd stayed, she might be running the place now. Since then, she'd been surrounded by people and yet always felt alone. In the Watch, and in the Guristas, and now in Silver's employ.

I think Sara's enjoying spending time with me. I'm not expecting anything more. I'm not even sure I'm offering anything more.

I like spending time with her. She seems at peace, and I find things like sitting and drinking tea together very relaxing. She doesn't make me feel like I have to talk all the time. That sometimes silence is welcome.

But I don't know what she wants.

I don't really know what I want either. Sometimes I think she's interested, in a very dry and subtle way. Other times I'm sure she's not. Sometimes I think I'm interested, and sometimes I think I'm not.

I'm twenty four. She's fifty something.

What does that mean when I don't have my original body? When I might have a body about this functional indefinitely? Does it come down to life experience? Sara is very good at what she does, but sometimes she seems as awkward as I feel. Like she put growing up on hold to survive in the slums, the Watch and the Guristas. She did what she had to to survive and that included shutting down her feelings.

Maybe she's thinking about opening them up again.