How do we tell apart the time to leave from the time to wait?

Rocius hasn't been around for a long time. Months. He was back this weekend. So it wasn't me trying to help Nelle relax after losing her ship this week.

My thoughts tell me one thing. My heart tells me something else.

There's a lot of that going on at the moment.

My heart wants to stay. But my head says go.

Seasons don't fear the reaper

Sometimes in big battles I get into a sort of Zen state. I keep doing what I do the best I can, and stop worrying about being shot. I get none of the shakes I get in smaller battles. There's nothing I can do to stop it, so I put it out of my mind. I almost relax.

This was quite a big battle. We were trying to protect a control tower in lowsec, and the enemy brought capitals. We brought more capitals, and they brought more capitals and a Nyx. Things got a bit out of hand, and our capital ships retreated into the shields. The Fleet commander said Battleships stay on the field until the carriers are safe.

We were expendable.

I stayed, shooting, until the last carrier was safe. More of the enemy fire was directed to the Princess of Pator, and when the FC said pull back, I was back inside the shields inside of seconds with 10% of my armour left. I saw the alert that Carinelle was being scrambled by the Nyx, and there was nothing I could do to help.

Watching Carinelle's ship go down was hard, so close to the end of the battle. The wreck ended up inside the shields of the Control tower.

Afterwards, I held her for hours, letting her shake. It wasn't her fault, there was nothing she could have done. The ship should have been safe.

But should doesn't make the pain go away, nor bring back the dead.

Double Dates?

Carinelle has invited me to a private get together with Sonja and her new boyfriend. Apparently Sonja's still shy about showing him in public around Electus Matari. I got the impression she's a bit annoyed with Sonja for some reason, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

At least I hope it's Sonja.

Losing something you never really had

Sarakai is dead. She was crew on a ship that was destroyed nearly three months ago. I didn't know.

We'd never really scheduled things, we just met up. We stopped meeting up in the usual places. I was busy; we've had lots of wars. And I started seeing Carinelle.

I'd been wandering the usual haunts recently, wondering if I'd see her again. Maybe in a pause in operations. I was sitting in a Cafe in Rens Bazaar after leaving Carinelle's Hotel room. Feeling pretty happy with the world after a good weekend. Cia was there too, so we started talking. She sounds happier. More relaxed. Her life is still complicated, but she says it's getting better, and when the worst you have to worry about is which cute man you want, life must be pretty good.

I haven't really talked to Cia in a while either, so we talked; about old times, and keeping up with friends. And I asked if she'd seen Sarakai.

Then she told me.

We were never more than friends, but I took a lot of peace from sharing tea with her. She was broken in important ways, but I liked her. I think she liked me too. I took her to visit Paiho, and she showed some of her shooting to the Clan. They welcomed her as a guest, and she laughed with pleasure.

I feel like I failed somehow. Betrayed her by not noticing she was gone.

Like we were never apart

Finally got to catch up with Carinelle. It was ... good. Very good.

She'd just been part of the EM team in the Alliance tournament. Her job was to be annoying enough for the enemy to waste time swatting her. She succeeded, but that meant that she got popped first. Her little ECM frigate, with two friends, meant that the enemy wasted time killing them that our side was using to pop their logistics ship. Everyone did their job. We won.

So it was a mix of joy and pain that she bore when she walked into the SA. A lot of pilots were gathered to watch the match, and there were celebrations all round. She didn't look entirely comfortable though.

I hadn't seen her in a month. A brief embrace wasn't enough. We hung around for a few minutes then made our escape.

Oh, it was so good to hold her; to feel her in my arms. I like the way she relaxes when I hold her.

She asked about the gathering, and told me about her life while I'd been gone.

I told her about Aradian. I wasn't sure how she'd take it, but she looked at me with this amused smile and said she thought it was sweet.

What did I expect? I'm not sure. Did I want more of a reaction? Actually, no. It feels .... nice, reassuring even, that she has enough confidence in me that she doesn't believe Aradian is a threat to her. That maybe what we have is stronger than that. I'm not really in a hurry to try again though.

I told her about Auntie Gytha and she asked what Gytha was like. How much of what I see as Auntie Gytha is really her, and how much is the memories of a child looking up at the laughing woman. Auntie Gytha's had a lot of boyfriends; Auntie Gytha has a wicked sense of humour; Auntie Gytha soothes the broken hearts of teenagers in turns by sympathy and teasing. Auntie Gytha who provided the gift I presented to Carinelle...

I have a feeling Carinelle will enjoy meeting her.

Truth and dare?

I was wrong about Gottii, he's not hitting Mata.

He's just so large that he tears her everytime they fuck. Yet she still wants to do it, go figure. That's why she got the nanites.

I'm not sure I'm happier knowing the truth.

Behind a wall that's made of stone

I've been back a few days now. There were some changes while I was gone. I haven't had a chance to talk to Eva or KJ about things.

Gottii got made a Director. Good for him. I haven't really had a chance to talk with him either. It's like whenever he's around he disappears off with Matariki.

Matariki has got some healing nanites injected. I think Gottii is hitting her. But she seems smitten, and she's an adult. It's depressing though, since I thought she'd never let that happen. I'm a bit disappointed in Gottii really.

Morar appears to be doing recruitment interviews. Things are still tense with Gradient over him as far as I can tell, but nobody is talking about it. I'm not really happy about that. Especially the level of WTF I'm getting when people ask me if I know.

Caellach got paid 50m by Eva for breaking ROE by shooting a Concord officer who later turned out to be a Sansha spy.

Sansha attacks seem to have dropped off. Looks like I missed them completely. I feel slightly guilty for being relieved they haven't attacked Matar.

Ivan got booted from Re-Awakened, but I'm not sure why. Being rude to Eva I think. I saw him in a EM fleet since then, as a Sebiestor Tribe representative, so it's not Alliance wide.

We have a war. They're arrogant and rude, and smack terribly in local when we go past (I mean, of very low quality). I think we're going to keep shooting them until they leave the republic or stop pirating.

Amarrian militia are pushing the Tribal Liberation Front back. The hero of Lantorn is fighting for the Amarr now.