Life's what you make it.

Elsebeth Rhiannon has no life. She told me it was because she was too busy.

So I told her, like the aunties told me, that after the war there has to be something worth while to come home to.

I have a home, but increasingly it feels like I am unfit for that civilized company

She's like me; like I was.

You can be again, if you want. I know.

I know. I've been lost worse than she is; well, worse than I think she is. I came back; with help.

Maybe if the war is over one day.

Even if the war isn't over, there is still time to be human.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family.

Morar Santee has been accepted into Re-Awakened.

Völuvala

Bouncing feet. Bouncing bodies. Internal organs vibrating in time to the bass.

Regrets and worries, washed away. Like the makeup in your sweat.

We have been here before, but now the roles are reversed. It is not I that needs the mindlessness of the dance. Not this time.

Every day my confusion grows

Flashes of meaning. The weekend was full. Nelle leaving for Eldulf, Sonja getting wasted in the Last Gate, people teasing me about Nelle; People shooting at me. People crying on my shoulder.

But the moment that I think about most was when Anuko pointed at me in the last gate and demanded of Eva the chance to talk to me.

So of course, Eva, My Boss, says No, I will protect him. Did she what? She smiled, gave me a bottle of vodka and said He's all yours

Anuko dragged me off to a booth and glared at me across the table.

Listen you ... I know what you're doing to my friend... Nelle, She's like my big sister, you hear?

It went downhill from there. She said I hurt people, and she wouldn't let me hurt Nelle. What did I do to her? I was nice, and I wouldn't lie to her. She didn't want to hear. I told her I wasn't going to hurt Nelle.

Then I believe we have an agreement

No. We don't

Now it was her turn to look confused. I will not be threatened into doing the things I was going to do anyway. Not again. I will not let people think I'm scared of them when I'm not.

I'm not going to hurt Nelle because I care about her. I don't care whether you threaten me about it, it doesn't make a difference... She's special. I think she's the first woman I've properly loved. I might make mistakes, but I'll try to make them up. I don't want to hurt her!

Anuko looked at me like she might even believe me.

I'll keep you to that

And she stormed off.

If you close your eyes it may go away; nothing too serious.

I've been spending some time with Gottii recently. He gets headaches and tells me he shouldn't drink. But sometimes I catch him drinking anyway. Other times he drinks water.

He's functional. He can lead fleets. But when there's nothing to distract him, he has to work hard not to mope.

He thinks Cia dumped him because he got sick, but I don't think he really knows. He's hurting, and he doesn't want to blame Cia, so he's blaming the Amarr. The thing in his head is down to them playing with his genetic line. It makes him feel like a slave again.

He was hurting because Cia wouldn't talk to him, and then she started saying hello occasionally and now he's hurting because of that. He doesn't really know what she's feeling, or what he did, and he doesn't know what to do, and he has nobody to ask, or to explain things to him.

It doesn't feel fair how Cia's treating him. But as I've talked to Gottii, I recognise so many things. I can give him sympathy because I know what it's like.

And it makes me think that maybe what Cia did to me wasn't fair either.

Oh, I raged when I thought that. Briefly. No, it wasn't fair. But then, neither is what happened to her. Neither is what happens to billions of people every day. On that sort of scale, my feelings are not really that big a deal.

Cia's broken. It's not her fault. I hoped she was getting better. But maybe that was all on the surface. Maybe she can't love someone.

No, that's not fair. She loves Camille, or possibly, feels an enormous duty to Camille. And maybe she loves Amieta.

Surprisingly, looking back I started to feel at peace about Cia when she was looking happy with Gottii. I don't know why exactly. Perhaps it became obvious that she was never going to take me back. Perhaps it felt like she didn't need me to help any more.

Now, I have Carinelle; some of the time at least. I should feel lucky. I should let go.

No one loves you when you're evil

Morar left Gradient with things unresolved. Refusing to back down or apologise to them. Then he tracked down Cia and apologised to her.

Cia wants to recruit him into Re-Awakened. She doesn't want him turning into another Vikarion.

I have been filled with doubt. I think it could all go badly wrong. Cia wants it so badly though.

I asked Nelle, what would she think if he joined Re-Aw.

She seemed dubious, but she also believes that people need second chances. That It would be good for him to stay in EM, but he'd be doubted by Gradient. If he could get over that doubt; prove himself again, he'd be worth keeping. Worth saving.

Gottii has been down a little recently, ever since Cia dumped him. But he found time to corner me and ask me about Morar.

Gottii wants Morar back in the alliance. He says Morar deserves a second chance. And then he told me why.

Gottii was a slave, and when he stopped being a slave to Mary, he became a drug addict. One day his dealer pointed out he was still a slave so Gottii killed him. Sentenced to a Penal battalion, he spent more than a decade fighting, until he was scanned and pronounced a good candidate to be a pod-pilot. And now he's here. Free.

He needs to believe that Morar can be saved. That Morar deserves the chance to be saved.

Gottii's a friend. But he was once a junkie, a criminal and a murderer.

Is Morar really worse than that?