Ghosts of the past

More kills this week, interceptors this time, who engaged a blue battleship. They stuck around too long and couldn't get out in time once reinforcements arrived. Once I arrived.

Found a new bar in lowsec; The Silk Scarf. It's in a republic fleet station, so reasonably secure. The beer is cold, at least. It looks like a pilot bar, though it's been quiet recently. I guess with the front lines so many jumps away, most of their pilots are closer to Dal.

Nelle met me there, and we got to talking. Somehow the question of what makes you you came up. I jokingly told her my half-thought-out theory on how I might technically count as an ancestor spirit. Dead, but still hanging around to look out for Atamahara.

That theory would probably work better if I'd ever had children. Most people in my clan would have had at least one, and more usually three or four by my calendar age, but having been "dead" for about four years makes that less meaningful.

Nelle seemed quite put out. To be definite that she is still herself, not dead, not a simulcrum, not a technical ghost. She's still getting back into the swing of things. Back into the decisive ways of thought required of a combat pilot. We analysed her loss and she said that had she gone immediately for the attack she might have got away with it, but changing her mind half way through was the major mistake. It sounds like the sort of thing I might have done.

Before we could argue more significantly, a new EM pilot joined us. Saul Mendoza, from the Lutinari Syndicate. For a corp supposedly aiming to have a tribal focus, Saul is the second Amarrian they've hired. He's leapt into combat, and is apparently quite talented, but I've never talked to him in person before. Nelle asked him why he'd joined Electus Matari, and he proceeded to down several drinks and tell us his life story. At length.

He's a Khanid, and comes from a somewhat privileged background I think. He certainly seemed to have little awareness of the realities of life for people at the bottom. Apparently, he got into trouble with the Khanid or Imperial Navy, and rather than stay with his people and face his punishment, shot his way out and did a runner to the republic. He seemed to expect us to be impressed or grateful that he'd deigned to come and help us out.

He doesn't seem to realise that for some people he's a different kind of ghost. A representative of the hungry ghosts that eat people's souls. I think he'll need to walk softly for a long time before Matari forget that.

Nelle was much more charitable. "Maybe, now that he's told us his story, we'll be able to have a conversation with him next time?"

Ridiculous

Poking around lowsec, checking out belts to see if they had stuff in it that would be worth the trouble of mining, I knew there was a neutral in system, but I hadn't seen him on scan, and I'm still getting used to the locals and their moods.

I destroy a couple of angel frigates, and then start climbing out of the belt to get clearer paths to warp away, and the neutral arrived in my belt in a rifter. He promptly yellow boxes me, and then red-boxes as I'm locking him in return. I'm flying a fleet stabber.

He scrams me and my MWD doesn't work. I web and scram him in return. I turn on my afterburner and keep burning away. I'm expecting that he'll be faster than me, and more maneuverable, but I want to try to reduce the transversal by making him pursue. I release my drones and order them to engage. My shields are dropping and I'm thinking "there are other blues in system, but I don't want to put them to the hassle of having to rescue me from a rifter".

The shield alarms go off, and I think I've run out of time; I have yet to do any damage to him. I start spamming the warp button so I'll get my pod out at least, and then my screens are overloaded by the explosion....

And he's gone. I cancel warp and approach his wreck to loot. His pod warps off before I can lock it.

Then I remember that I'm an armour tanker, and he'd not quite made it through the bubble-wrap around my ship that I call shields. Talk about unnecessary worry.

I did everything I should have, it all worked exactly as I expected. I just didn't really believe that it would until it happened.

That, I think, is the difference between knowing the theory, and knowing the practice.

And I still feel ridiculously pleased for killing a ship I seriously out-classed. I think I'm more pleased because I had a plan and it worked, even if I wasn't sure about that at the time. And I'm embarrassed too much to tell people about it.

So I write.

A year has passed

Not long after the last entry she left again. She's been gone a year. Nursing her mother till death, and meeting the clan of her father. Becoming more Matari, I think.

I quit as alliance leader; with a nice orderly transition process. I might have kept at it had she still been there, but I didn't want to on my own. Got convinced into accepting a directorship in Gradient, managed to talk my way out of getting the CEO position.

Spent the winter alone.

Came to accept that it was over; carried on for a while pretending. Gradually shifted my sleep cycle back to match home.

Spent the summer feeling like I was just grinding; barely undocking. Got older.

Finally went home for a visit longer than a weekend. Spent time with the cousins, got very drunk; woke up still surrounded by people. Hassled by cousins and Aunties. Going to a festival, and meeting the other clans again. People who knew me when I was young, many of whom still see that youth when they look at me.

Decided that I needed to get over myself.

The last few weeks have been good. Setting up another home in lowsec, shooting pirates and Mary. Doing more solo hunting, but with joy instead of loneliness.

Had a two on one fight where I killed one, but got podded.

Woke up feeling that off-balance way I do, and while I was settling my reactions and fitting another ship, I got the news.

She's back.