Today, after a morning chasing around the operation area without effect, I offered to help Cia with her covops training.
The thing she didn't yet have was confidence running through gates, so I sat on one side with my interceptor, and she'd jump through and try to get away. Then repeat. The closest I got was on the first run, when I got a lock but the Warp disruptor didn't activate in time to stop her. Every other time I failed to get lock before she was gone.
At the end of it she was much more confident I think. It's a training style I've had before, and it worked for me. At the end of it, you know in a way that just theoretical lessons can't teach.
It was slightly odd, talking her through it, and praising her reactions. It's like I'm standing outside watching myself be professional, and I'm surprised at how good a job I'm doing.
Back into the operations area for a few hours, with still no more result. The Mary Militia seems to be staying away from our area of operations. I have to go 8 or 10 jumps to find any sign of them. Arkady is very happy with the results though. We've halved the number of contested Matari systems in only a few days by providing the Matari militia with support.
I returned to Lustrevik for an Agent Mission Op that Cia was running. I finally got to take the Charybdis out into danger, and with support it was a fine ship. The 1400s mean that frigates are practically impossible to hit, but Cia in her Dominix was chewing through them. We had 4 Maelstroms including the Charybdis, Cia's Dominix, Silver in a Raven, and for a little while, Matariki in a Raven as well. More pilots came and went. Jobs which would have taken an hour on my own were finished in less than 10 minutes. And the pilots chatting together was good. I think it's a good way to help build up esprit de corps in Electus Matari. I'm rather pleased at how it went.
I sent mail to Sarakai asking if she's Ok. I haven't heard from her since the trip to Paiho, so I wasn't sure. I've suggested we catch up sometime, and after some negotiation, we're doing dinner on Wednesday. I hope that works out.
I'm again finding myself watching my actions as if looking on from outside, only this time with Sarakai.
What does that mean?
20090829
20090828
Being normal?
Well, the campaign has started to help out the Militia. The corp we war-decced has dropped out of the Mary militia to engage us in highsec - that's a victory right there, since it means they're not engaging our militia.
As of now, I have the only kill of the campaign in our defined fighting area. A Pirate, autopiloting their Pod. It took me five seconds to check my sensors weren't playing up, and that they were a valid target. Then they popped.
No losses so far, and I'm beginning to think I was a bit enthusiastic about getting ships into the Forward Operating Base.
Cia was running a trip to the ship construction yards in lowsec. I thought it would be a relatively safe place to meet again. In front of other people. A limit on the intensity perhaps.
Of course, I arrived early and ran into Cia on her own.
It was Ok.
We talked about ships for a bit until Silver arrived. Silver told us he'd named his new Carrier - his second - it's now the "Awakening Ideal" which is a nice name on several levels. I like it. Silver has some poety in his soul that doesn't get revealed very often, but sneaks out in his ship names.
Other people showed up, including Matariki and CJ, and a couple of new people I hadn't met before except on comms. We talked ship fits for a while, and I gave Cia a couple of suggestions that might improve her ships' tanks. It was relaxing in a way, talking about something technical, not anything to do with feelings.
There was some gentle ribbing from Matariki over the tabloid article about me and Silver, but it passed quickly.
Matariki's Jonny has announced his candidacy for Federation President, which is a bit of a surprise. I suggested she get some security, as did CJ and others. The Press can be quite intrusive, and I'm not sure they're going to treat her well.
I think it went Ok. I didn't feel in pain. It was nice to talk to Cia.
As of now, I have the only kill of the campaign in our defined fighting area. A Pirate, autopiloting their Pod. It took me five seconds to check my sensors weren't playing up, and that they were a valid target. Then they popped.
No losses so far, and I'm beginning to think I was a bit enthusiastic about getting ships into the Forward Operating Base.
Cia was running a trip to the ship construction yards in lowsec. I thought it would be a relatively safe place to meet again. In front of other people. A limit on the intensity perhaps.
Of course, I arrived early and ran into Cia on her own.
It was Ok.
We talked about ships for a bit until Silver arrived. Silver told us he'd named his new Carrier - his second - it's now the "Awakening Ideal" which is a nice name on several levels. I like it. Silver has some poety in his soul that doesn't get revealed very often, but sneaks out in his ship names.
Other people showed up, including Matariki and CJ, and a couple of new people I hadn't met before except on comms. We talked ship fits for a while, and I gave Cia a couple of suggestions that might improve her ships' tanks. It was relaxing in a way, talking about something technical, not anything to do with feelings.
There was some gentle ribbing from Matariki over the tabloid article about me and Silver, but it passed quickly.
Matariki's Jonny has announced his candidacy for Federation President, which is a bit of a surprise. I suggested she get some security, as did CJ and others. The Press can be quite intrusive, and I'm not sure they're going to treat her well.
I think it went Ok. I didn't feel in pain. It was nice to talk to Cia.
20090826
After action reports
CJ ran an Op. We had 3 battlecruisers, a couple of frigates, and me in my Vagabond. We moved around for a bit looking for someone we could handle that we could catch. We eventually engaged an Armageddon in a belt after he scouted half of us out and invited us to fight away from gate guns. I think the critical point was that he hadn't seen all of us when he decided to let us engage.
We however were pretty sure he didn't have friends because of our scouts. Silver lost a hurricane, and CJ was down to 2% armour before the Armageddon popped. It was CJ's first loss in a fleet she was running. She was a bit sad about it, but happy about the battleship kill.
After the Op, I met up with CJ in the Shackled Amarr. I'm glad I asked CJ if she was angry with me, since the answer was no. The day she'd yelled at me she was just trying to figure out what had happened. After I left, while she was listening to Cia tell her side of the story CJ was feeling sorry for me - That I might be better off without her. "She reacted to you being sweet by freaking out".
I tried to tell CJ that it hadn't been Cia's fault. That Cia had had horrible things happen to her ( "So have lots of people, and it's horrible, So?") That I'd been too pushy, too intense. ("She could have asked you to slow down").
CJ said it sounded like I was determined that it was my fault, and the conversation moved on.
Am I? Determined to be at fault? I think I'd rather be at fault than wrong about Cia.
That sounds a bit harsh. I still like Cia. I'm just giving up on the idea of us being more than friends, perhaps more than aquaintances for a long time. If that's because she's too broken then that doesn't make her a bad person.
I've been trying to be civil - friendly even - in corp chat. She's trying too, I can tell. We haven't met face to face again yet, I'm hoping that will work out.
I'd like it to work out.
We however were pretty sure he didn't have friends because of our scouts. Silver lost a hurricane, and CJ was down to 2% armour before the Armageddon popped. It was CJ's first loss in a fleet she was running. She was a bit sad about it, but happy about the battleship kill.
After the Op, I met up with CJ in the Shackled Amarr. I'm glad I asked CJ if she was angry with me, since the answer was no. The day she'd yelled at me she was just trying to figure out what had happened. After I left, while she was listening to Cia tell her side of the story CJ was feeling sorry for me - That I might be better off without her. "She reacted to you being sweet by freaking out".
I tried to tell CJ that it hadn't been Cia's fault. That Cia had had horrible things happen to her ( "So have lots of people, and it's horrible, So?") That I'd been too pushy, too intense. ("She could have asked you to slow down").
CJ said it sounded like I was determined that it was my fault, and the conversation moved on.
Am I? Determined to be at fault? I think I'd rather be at fault than wrong about Cia.
That sounds a bit harsh. I still like Cia. I'm just giving up on the idea of us being more than friends, perhaps more than aquaintances for a long time. If that's because she's too broken then that doesn't make her a bad person.
I've been trying to be civil - friendly even - in corp chat. She's trying too, I can tell. We haven't met face to face again yet, I'm hoping that will work out.
I'd like it to work out.
20090823
Reciprocity
I'm taking Matariki to Matar for the day. I have tickets to a Völuvala concert, and we're going to spend some time at Paiho.
Mata thought her daughter would be a clan child. So she could go back to dancing and flying. Could know that someone else was looking after her daughter.
Jonny's working on a nursery room in their new apartment.
Matariki needs some time to think, maybe get used to the idea. Make some decisions. I'm hoping I can help.
It would be nice to pay her back.
Mata thought her daughter would be a clan child. So she could go back to dancing and flying. Could know that someone else was looking after her daughter.
Jonny's working on a nursery room in their new apartment.
Matariki needs some time to think, maybe get used to the idea. Make some decisions. I'm hoping I can help.
It would be nice to pay her back.
Icehouse
Silver sent me a mail asking for a meeting, with the title "Flowers". I suggested a public place and he agreed.
We met at the Shackled Amarr. He was concerned about our working relationship, and felt that it was inappropriate for me to be sending him flowers.
Wait, what?
I showed him the card that had been attached to the flowers he sent me, and he claimed not to have seen it before. We both had flowers and neither of us sent them. He hadn't seen the tabloid article either.
I think the tabloids are setting us up somehow.
KJ came in looking furious again and started drinking at the bar. After my last attempt at talking to him when he's like this, I suggested Silver try to calm him down.
And that we not be seen leaving together.
While I was looking around for reporters or bugs, I saw Cia in one of the booths. She saw me and hid.
Normal. Yeah, right.
She's running a mission op this afternoon. I can't face that.
We met at the Shackled Amarr. He was concerned about our working relationship, and felt that it was inappropriate for me to be sending him flowers.
Wait, what?
I showed him the card that had been attached to the flowers he sent me, and he claimed not to have seen it before. We both had flowers and neither of us sent them. He hadn't seen the tabloid article either.
I think the tabloids are setting us up somehow.
KJ came in looking furious again and started drinking at the bar. After my last attempt at talking to him when he's like this, I suggested Silver try to calm him down.
And that we not be seen leaving together.
While I was looking around for reporters or bugs, I saw Cia in one of the booths. She saw me and hid.
Normal. Yeah, right.
She's running a mission op this afternoon. I can't face that.
20090822
Day Trip
Today has been up and down. I took Sarakai to Paiho. Showed her the range and introduced her to people in the clan. Uncle Valpy really seemed to like her, especially the way she could shoot. I was a bit worried she'd be overwhelmed by the clan when we got invited to lunch, but she seemed to cope.
Sarakai smiled. Even laughed.
Auntie Yenni hassled me over the tabloid reports about me and Silver. Then she told me that I could bring him home to meet the clan if it were anything serious. Actually, that's when Sara laughed. A joyous laugh, not bitter like the previous time.
I think Sara really liked the day trip. I was feeling happy. At peace. It had been a good day.
When I got back to station there was a mail waiting from Cia.
She wanted to talk. We arranged to meet at Lenfa's in the Bazaar. She was leading a shopping trip there for the alliance as a social occasion.
So I showed up.
She came in. She looked slightly nervous, and I didn't know what to say. She wants to act normal. Pretend we're fine and hope that it all comes right eventually.
Then she left.
Great. What I thought I wanted a week ago, and now why does it feel so painful? I thought I was getting over her, and it feels like a wound opened again.
When I left Lenfa's she was still in the bazaar. She flinched when she saw me.
Act normal my Arse.
Sarakai smiled. Even laughed.
Auntie Yenni hassled me over the tabloid reports about me and Silver. Then she told me that I could bring him home to meet the clan if it were anything serious. Actually, that's when Sara laughed. A joyous laugh, not bitter like the previous time.
I think Sara really liked the day trip. I was feeling happy. At peace. It had been a good day.
When I got back to station there was a mail waiting from Cia.
She wanted to talk. We arranged to meet at Lenfa's in the Bazaar. She was leading a shopping trip there for the alliance as a social occasion.
So I showed up.
She came in. She looked slightly nervous, and I didn't know what to say. She wants to act normal. Pretend we're fine and hope that it all comes right eventually.
Then she left.
Great. What I thought I wanted a week ago, and now why does it feel so painful? I thought I was getting over her, and it feels like a wound opened again.
When I left Lenfa's she was still in the bazaar. She flinched when she saw me.
Act normal my Arse.
Flowers
Got back to my quarters to find two dozen red and pink roses waiting. The card was from Silver Night.
I think he's taking the piss after the tabloid articles.
When I asked Sara if Silver played practical jokes, she said no.
Confusing.
I think he's taking the piss after the tabloid articles.
When I asked Sara if Silver played practical jokes, she said no.
Confusing.
Sarakai
Sara is very reticent. She doesn't expand her answers much. It's very difficult to talk to her for any length of time.
Still, she walked into the Shackled Amarr a few nights ago. I said "Hello". I managed to squeeze words out of her in return.
She said they'd wrapped up the murder investigation on the Ideal. Then laughed at me when I asked whether they'd hand the killer over to the local cops.
At least she laughed, I guess.
I prodded a bit. To try to find out more about her. She works. She sleeps, and she works some more. She goes to the pub and drinks water. To relax, she knits. Or shoots.
She told me that she doesn't really have any friends in the Republic that aren't in her chain of command. She doesn't really have a social life because she doesn't know anyone to socialise with.
She's a sniper by training. At least that's something we could talk about. There's a range at Paiho, though it's a bit shorter than she claims to prefer to shoot at. Perhaps if I ask nicely, I could get it extended for an afternoon. I'm sure that some of the youngsters would like to see some good shooting.
Perhaps I could introduce her to some people.
Still, she walked into the Shackled Amarr a few nights ago. I said "Hello". I managed to squeeze words out of her in return.
She said they'd wrapped up the murder investigation on the Ideal. Then laughed at me when I asked whether they'd hand the killer over to the local cops.
At least she laughed, I guess.
I prodded a bit. To try to find out more about her. She works. She sleeps, and she works some more. She goes to the pub and drinks water. To relax, she knits. Or shoots.
She told me that she doesn't really have any friends in the Republic that aren't in her chain of command. She doesn't really have a social life because she doesn't know anyone to socialise with.
She's a sniper by training. At least that's something we could talk about. There's a range at Paiho, though it's a bit shorter than she claims to prefer to shoot at. Perhaps if I ask nicely, I could get it extended for an afternoon. I'm sure that some of the youngsters would like to see some good shooting.
Perhaps I could introduce her to some people.
20090820
Time
Conversations with Amieta are usually pretty good. There's still stuff that I don't understand. But she's safe. Well, not safe exactly, but I feel like I can relax around her. She's like an older cousin or something. She knows about the things I know, and I find myself falling easily into conversations about weapons, or blood, or when things go bad. She knows. I don't have to explain.
I asked her if she thought pod pilots were fucked up. She says that pod pilots are really only good for one thing. Killing. And that you can choose whether to kill for a good reason. Or not.
That I have to keep doing that. Killing. Or I might as well retire.
And I like flying too much. I would find it hard to give that up.
I also find myself in conversations with Amieta about women. She doesn't laugh at me. When I tell her what I'm thinking, or what I'm embarrassed about.
Mostly she tells me I'm not unusual. That it will take time, regardless of what I'm talking about. Being lonely. Understanding. Cia.
I know. More or less. That it will take time.
But I want it to be soon.
I asked her if she thought pod pilots were fucked up. She says that pod pilots are really only good for one thing. Killing. And that you can choose whether to kill for a good reason. Or not.
That I have to keep doing that. Killing. Or I might as well retire.
And I like flying too much. I would find it hard to give that up.
I also find myself in conversations with Amieta about women. She doesn't laugh at me. When I tell her what I'm thinking, or what I'm embarrassed about.
Mostly she tells me I'm not unusual. That it will take time, regardless of what I'm talking about. Being lonely. Understanding. Cia.
I know. More or less. That it will take time.
But I want it to be soon.
20090818
Good Times
Sitting at her table, eating food she cooked, and looking at her face.
Holding hands walking in the Bazaar.
Holding hands sitting and watching the Sunset over the Huggar Moon.
There were good times.
I will remember them.
Holding hands walking in the Bazaar.
Holding hands sitting and watching the Sunset over the Huggar Moon.
There were good times.
I will remember them.
Breakfast of Champions
Most mornings recently, I get up in time for my shift and head to the Shackled Amarr for a Quafe. Quite often, Carinelle's been there, winding up her shift, doing her paperwork on her datapad.
She smiles at me, we talk for a while. Then I go out to work for my shift, and Carinelle goes to sleep somewhere.
She's not broken, at least not obviously. There's no pressure not to say the wrong thing. I know she's dating Rocius, so there's no expectation. It's just friends.
I like it.
She smiles at me, we talk for a while. Then I go out to work for my shift, and Carinelle goes to sleep somewhere.
She's not broken, at least not obviously. There's no pressure not to say the wrong thing. I know she's dating Rocius, so there's no expectation. It's just friends.
I like it.
20090816
Yesterdays Parties
K'han said "Ulf, you should have gone to the party"
"I didn't think it was a good idea"
"The longer you put off seeing her, the harder it will get"
"She doesn't want to see me!"
"I didn't think it was a good idea"
"The longer you put off seeing her, the harder it will get"
"She doesn't want to see me!"
Pilots
"You know KJ, I think a lot of Pod Pilots are a bit fucked up
...
why are you laughing at me?"
KJ thinks we're all fucked up, a lot.
...
why are you laughing at me?"
KJ thinks we're all fucked up, a lot.
20090815
What women want?
Ran into Amieta today. She hasn't been avoiding me, just working hard. Someone got murdered on her ship, and she hasn't figured out who did it yet.
Amieta asked me about life, and I told her. She talked about Cia, and complications, and something she said made me realise. The reason Sarrapis was probably interested in me was that I was smitten by Cia, and not overwhelming Sarrapis with attention. Now that I'm single, all my powers of attraction have obviously faded.
Amieta introduced me to her Chief Tactical Officer, Sarakai Voutelen. Between them they seemed to have a conversation with eyebrows and head movements while including me in a verbal conversation at the same time. I've figured out that there's stuff going on, but I don't know what it is.
Sara seems nice, even if she is a security officer for a job. She doesn't have any family. People shouldn't be alone all the time, so I've invited her to give me a call if she wanted company some time. She's a Sniper by training I think, and has difficulty finding somewhere to practice. Maybe she'd appreciate a trip to Atamahara.
Amieta hasn't seen Cia since the night we broke up either. So she doesn't know how Cia's doing.
Amieta introduced me to another friend of hers - Jack, who has an outrageous accent, and calls Silver "Fred". He's currently working as a salvage pilot in the local area. Silver put him on to Cia I think.
Jack's lost count of the women he's been married to or the number of children he has. Some of them he was married to as a joke when he was drunk. I don't understand. He doesn't take marriage seriously, like it doesn't mean anything to him.
So why does it seem to work?
Amieta asked me about life, and I told her. She talked about Cia, and complications, and something she said made me realise. The reason Sarrapis was probably interested in me was that I was smitten by Cia, and not overwhelming Sarrapis with attention. Now that I'm single, all my powers of attraction have obviously faded.
Amieta introduced me to her Chief Tactical Officer, Sarakai Voutelen. Between them they seemed to have a conversation with eyebrows and head movements while including me in a verbal conversation at the same time. I've figured out that there's stuff going on, but I don't know what it is.
Sara seems nice, even if she is a security officer for a job. She doesn't have any family. People shouldn't be alone all the time, so I've invited her to give me a call if she wanted company some time. She's a Sniper by training I think, and has difficulty finding somewhere to practice. Maybe she'd appreciate a trip to Atamahara.
Amieta hasn't seen Cia since the night we broke up either. So she doesn't know how Cia's doing.
Amieta introduced me to another friend of hers - Jack, who has an outrageous accent, and calls Silver "Fred". He's currently working as a salvage pilot in the local area. Silver put him on to Cia I think.
Jack's lost count of the women he's been married to or the number of children he has. Some of them he was married to as a joke when he was drunk. I don't understand. He doesn't take marriage seriously, like it doesn't mean anything to him.
So why does it seem to work?
Lessons in confusion
Anuko walked into the SA Bar, and decided to avoid me. Veren came in and they were very intense for a bit. Eventually she seemed to decide everything was alright, and then Veren left.
I know she wants to avoid me, so I just sat in the corner, trying not to look. She caught me glancing up once.
After five minutes of drinking at the bar with her back to me she turned toward me and yelled "Whatever!" then stormed out.
What did I do wrong this time?
I know she wants to avoid me, so I just sat in the corner, trying not to look. She caught me glancing up once.
After five minutes of drinking at the bar with her back to me she turned toward me and yelled "Whatever!" then stormed out.
What did I do wrong this time?
20090814
Breathe, Breathe in the Air
It's odd, breaking in a new clone. The tattoos aren't quite in the same places. Small scars are missing. The rotation of the joints is slightly different as I walk. The flesh feels different on my ribs.
And I feel different. They say the pod mechanism captures the brain state, and presumably that includes emotions. I have however felt calmer. Less pained. Almost like a feedback loop has been interrupted, and my emotions allowed to settle.
I haven't heard from Cia or Amieta since the night Cia asked me to leave. Perhaps that's for the best.
CJ called me though. To see how I was after the podding. I was surprised. Confused. I thought she was upset with me over Cia. I still want to ask why. Why she needed to yell at me to leave. Not ask me. It hasn't been the right time yet.
Yesterday I dropped into the Shackled Amarr to find Carinelle and Isobel discussing babies. They asked me a few questions about Matariki and her child, but I think they wanted to know things they didn't want to ask me.
Sarrapis - Anuko - came in. I said hello, but she didn't want to talk to me, and seemed upset that I was there. So I left.
Today, with the new clone, I dropped in and Carinelle was there on her own. I talked a bit, and asked how Anuko was. Annoyed with me, she said. Anuko thought I had lead her on. Taken her on dates when I wasn't available.
For some reason it was important to me to convince Carinelle that I hadn't. That I had been honest. Truthful.
Carinelle tells me that Anuko has beaten her slaver to death and is upset that her toy has broken.
So many pod pilots seem barely functional outside of their pods. Broken. Related to the implants, or a representative sample of the people in the 'verse?
Maybe I'm just normal?
And I feel different. They say the pod mechanism captures the brain state, and presumably that includes emotions. I have however felt calmer. Less pained. Almost like a feedback loop has been interrupted, and my emotions allowed to settle.
I haven't heard from Cia or Amieta since the night Cia asked me to leave. Perhaps that's for the best.
CJ called me though. To see how I was after the podding. I was surprised. Confused. I thought she was upset with me over Cia. I still want to ask why. Why she needed to yell at me to leave. Not ask me. It hasn't been the right time yet.
Yesterday I dropped into the Shackled Amarr to find Carinelle and Isobel discussing babies. They asked me a few questions about Matariki and her child, but I think they wanted to know things they didn't want to ask me.
Sarrapis - Anuko - came in. I said hello, but she didn't want to talk to me, and seemed upset that I was there. So I left.
Today, with the new clone, I dropped in and Carinelle was there on her own. I talked a bit, and asked how Anuko was. Annoyed with me, she said. Anuko thought I had lead her on. Taken her on dates when I wasn't available.
For some reason it was important to me to convince Carinelle that I hadn't. That I had been honest. Truthful.
Carinelle tells me that Anuko has beaten her slaver to death and is upset that her toy has broken.
So many pod pilots seem barely functional outside of their pods. Broken. Related to the implants, or a representative sample of the people in the 'verse?
Maybe I'm just normal?
20090813
Spatha
The Rapier class vessel Spatha was lost with all hands tonight.
She was coming to the aid of some Alliance ships who were outnumbered in in the Great Wildlands, and asked for a scout out. There was a Sabre, three interceptors and a Typhoon. De-cloaked and scrammed there was no escape.
Five hundred people who put their lives in my hands. Lost.
Makes being podded seem only fair.
She was coming to the aid of some Alliance ships who were outnumbered in in the Great Wildlands, and asked for a scout out. There was a Sabre, three interceptors and a Typhoon. De-cloaked and scrammed there was no escape.
Five hundred people who put their lives in my hands. Lost.
Makes being podded seem only fair.
20090812
Maybe Tomorrow
KJ forgave me. Probably easier than I would have had I been in his pod. Maybe my life isn't completely broken after all?
I went out on a roam. Debes was FC. KJ flew alongside. It was good. Very good.
It felt almost liberating to take risks. To get stuck in. Be reckless. I was side-scouting and thus late to get to a gate, so I got to solo a Hurricane in my Vagabond class ship "Live Fast or Die Young". The Hurricane had escaped the rest of the fleet after they had badly damaged it, but it was a close run thing between my damage output and the gate guns shooting at me.
I killed it. The gate guns hammering my shields to about 10%... it was exhilarating.
I'm trying to get back to old habits. Lifting weights. Shooting. Flying regularly. Doing things other than haunting the bars thinking.
But I don't want to give up all the things I've discovered. I don't want to be the same as I was. Before Cia.
I don't want to be alone forever.
I went out on a roam. Debes was FC. KJ flew alongside. It was good. Very good.
It felt almost liberating to take risks. To get stuck in. Be reckless. I was side-scouting and thus late to get to a gate, so I got to solo a Hurricane in my Vagabond class ship "Live Fast or Die Young". The Hurricane had escaped the rest of the fleet after they had badly damaged it, but it was a close run thing between my damage output and the gate guns shooting at me.
I killed it. The gate guns hammering my shields to about 10%... it was exhilarating.
I'm trying to get back to old habits. Lifting weights. Shooting. Flying regularly. Doing things other than haunting the bars thinking.
But I don't want to give up all the things I've discovered. I don't want to be the same as I was. Before Cia.
I don't want to be alone forever.
20090811
Makes me wanna die
A couple of days ago I walked into the Shackled Amarr and saw CJ, KJ and Cia. While I was thinking of what to do, CJ came up to me, got in my face and told me to get out.
3 options: Let her hit me. Shoot her. Leave.
To be honest, letting her hit me was tempting. Deservèd punishment.
But I looked at Cia, sitting there looking like she'd been crying. I thought of the option that would hurt her least.
So I left.
Today Rocius threatened me. Him and his guards. I half wanted him to hit me, but he didn't.
I'm tired of being the nice guy. The one people think they can threaten without comeback. They seem to think I'm scared. That I care about being hurt. That I do things because they threaten to hurt me.
I went to my locker and got an old grenade out. I carried it around for a few hours. Sat in the bar looking at it and thinking. Was it worth it? Just to change the look on Rocius' face? I was seriously thinking that I wouldn't mind.
It probably wouldn't even kill me. Or whoever provoked it. Med tech is pretty good these days. Get what's left to a med-bay, and stabilise things long enough to at least clone jump.
There'd probably be a lot of pain.
But then, that's not really a change, is it?
3 options: Let her hit me. Shoot her. Leave.
To be honest, letting her hit me was tempting. Deservèd punishment.
But I looked at Cia, sitting there looking like she'd been crying. I thought of the option that would hurt her least.
So I left.
Today Rocius threatened me. Him and his guards. I half wanted him to hit me, but he didn't.
I'm tired of being the nice guy. The one people think they can threaten without comeback. They seem to think I'm scared. That I care about being hurt. That I do things because they threaten to hurt me.
I went to my locker and got an old grenade out. I carried it around for a few hours. Sat in the bar looking at it and thinking. Was it worth it? Just to change the look on Rocius' face? I was seriously thinking that I wouldn't mind.
It probably wouldn't even kill me. Or whoever provoked it. Med tech is pretty good these days. Get what's left to a med-bay, and stabilise things long enough to at least clone jump.
There'd probably be a lot of pain.
But then, that's not really a change, is it?
Everybody Hurts
Sythra died yesterday. She was KJ's fiancée. She'd disappeared months ago. I thought she'd left him. KJ thinks she was taken, and then destroyed. Permanently.
I didn't know.
Time to stop giving advice.
I didn't know.
Time to stop giving advice.
20090809
The show must go on.
Matariki found me in the Shackled Amarr. We talked for a while then went to Matar for a Völuvala concert.
Loud music, lots of sweaty dancing, and breakfast at Uncle Tollo's.
Kin.
Loud music, lots of sweaty dancing, and breakfast at Uncle Tollo's.
Kin.
20090808
And then there was none
It's over.
Mata said that I should write things down to get them straight in my head. So, what have I learned?
Clumsy honesty seems to do more damage than artful deceit.
Letting people in hurts.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Mata said that I should write things down to get them straight in my head. So, what have I learned?
Clumsy honesty seems to do more damage than artful deceit.
Letting people in hurts.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
111.08.08b
I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, and went to Michels for breakfast, and then the Shackled Amarr for a horrible fruit drink, to try to perk up. Sarr was there, along with some other Gradient pilots.
She has a new name. Anuko Janorra. Veren Fen came back from Amarr space with some records. including a picture of Anuko aged about 5. She has a history now. A family. A clan.
I thought she was happy. Happier than usual anyway. Veren brought back two other things. A head, that used to belong to a slaver, and a live slaver.
Sarrapis is beating the slaver every night before she goes to bed, beating him until her arms are tired and there's blood in the cell, and then for the first time she can remember she sleeps without nightmares.
She called in the trip to a planet I'd promised. I took her to a thunderstorm. There was flashes of lightning, and the body-shaking power of the rolls of thunder. It was fantastic. Sarr ... Anuko, looked like she enjoyed it, and after the worst of the thunder had passed, and we were standing in the rain looking south towards the retreating storm, she kissed me.
It was sweet, and brief, and sort of innocently sexy.
And I had to tell her I wasn't available. That there was someone else. I stumbled out something about a woman who I liked a lot, but wasn't even sure if ....
And Anuko was upset. She wanted to know who, and screamed "Now you tell me"
But didn't she say we were just friends? I've been trying to find the right time to tell her for weeks, and she's always drunk and feeling sorry for herself, or, more rarely, happy and I don't want to spoil it.
She demanded I take her back to station. It was an hour of uncomfortable silence except for the time I tried to tell her that I'd still be her friend. If she wanted.
I watched her walk out of the hangar. Shoulders set. Feeling like I've hurt another person because I don't know what I'm doing.
Sometimes I feel like I don't understand anything.
She has a new name. Anuko Janorra. Veren Fen came back from Amarr space with some records. including a picture of Anuko aged about 5. She has a history now. A family. A clan.
I thought she was happy. Happier than usual anyway. Veren brought back two other things. A head, that used to belong to a slaver, and a live slaver.
Sarrapis is beating the slaver every night before she goes to bed, beating him until her arms are tired and there's blood in the cell, and then for the first time she can remember she sleeps without nightmares.
She called in the trip to a planet I'd promised. I took her to a thunderstorm. There was flashes of lightning, and the body-shaking power of the rolls of thunder. It was fantastic. Sarr ... Anuko, looked like she enjoyed it, and after the worst of the thunder had passed, and we were standing in the rain looking south towards the retreating storm, she kissed me.
It was sweet, and brief, and sort of innocently sexy.
And I had to tell her I wasn't available. That there was someone else. I stumbled out something about a woman who I liked a lot, but wasn't even sure if ....
And Anuko was upset. She wanted to know who, and screamed "Now you tell me"
But didn't she say we were just friends? I've been trying to find the right time to tell her for weeks, and she's always drunk and feeling sorry for herself, or, more rarely, happy and I don't want to spoil it.
She demanded I take her back to station. It was an hour of uncomfortable silence except for the time I tried to tell her that I'd still be her friend. If she wanted.
I watched her walk out of the hangar. Shoulders set. Feeling like I've hurt another person because I don't know what I'm doing.
Sometimes I feel like I don't understand anything.
111.08.08
Cia got drunk last night. She was upset - about kin, about me I think, about her father definitely. About choices. About who counts as kin. Amieta tried ordering her watered drinks, and she reacted by drinking faster.
Ami was called away on business, leaving Silver and Cia and me. Cia was really hurting.
I felt useless. There was nothing I could say, everything I tried seemed either to make things worse, or have no effect.
Silver talked her through it. Got her to some peace. She left looking not as pained.
Afterwards he asked if I was involved with Ms Roth...
I had to say I wasn't sure. I hope so.
I know I've hurt her, but I'm not even completely sure how. I've tried to say I'm sorry, but she won't even admit that there's anything to apologise for.
I have to hope she'll sort it out herself, and let me know when I can help.
Ami was called away on business, leaving Silver and Cia and me. Cia was really hurting.
I felt useless. There was nothing I could say, everything I tried seemed either to make things worse, or have no effect.
Silver talked her through it. Got her to some peace. She left looking not as pained.
Afterwards he asked if I was involved with Ms Roth...
I had to say I wasn't sure. I hope so.
I know I've hurt her, but I'm not even completely sure how. I've tried to say I'm sorry, but she won't even admit that there's anything to apologise for.
I have to hope she'll sort it out herself, and let me know when I can help.
20090807
111.08.07
One of the things Cia has told me is how much it hurt to be podded, to lose her original body and any possibility of having children naturally - she doesn't believe in medical intervention for that.
When I asked Mata about how she chose to make a child with Jonny she said that she'd assumed Jonny would get a fertile clone. But Mata ran out of information quickly - she hadn't needed to find out.
So I called Eva. Eva is a Doctor, I figured she'd know. So I asked her if... if it were possible to get fertile clones. Eva told me that regularly they are rendered sterile through surgical means when they're created, to avoid pod pilots getting pregnant or what have you, but that if you went with a reputable firm, and asked not to have that done, then there was no reason why someone couldn't get pregnant the way people normally do...
Of course, then she asked me why I wanted to know. I stammered a reply about how some people didn't believe that assisted pregnancies were right, and whether if we decided one day, not that we'd decided or anything, but if we did, whether it would be possible.
Eva let me down gently and said I didn't have to explain further. She laughed and said she knew who I'd been dating now and that she was glad about her joining Re-Awakened.
Then she looked into space with a slightly sad smile and said we each deserve a little happiness.
I think she misses Davlos.
Last night I got to tell Cia the news. What Eva told me, about fertile clones.
I think I've made a mistake.
When I asked Mata about how she chose to make a child with Jonny she said that she'd assumed Jonny would get a fertile clone. But Mata ran out of information quickly - she hadn't needed to find out.
So I called Eva. Eva is a Doctor, I figured she'd know. So I asked her if... if it were possible to get fertile clones. Eva told me that regularly they are rendered sterile through surgical means when they're created, to avoid pod pilots getting pregnant or what have you, but that if you went with a reputable firm, and asked not to have that done, then there was no reason why someone couldn't get pregnant the way people normally do...
Of course, then she asked me why I wanted to know. I stammered a reply about how some people didn't believe that assisted pregnancies were right, and whether if we decided one day, not that we'd decided or anything, but if we did, whether it would be possible.
Eva let me down gently and said I didn't have to explain further. She laughed and said she knew who I'd been dating now and that she was glad about her joining Re-Awakened.
Then she looked into space with a slightly sad smile and said we each deserve a little happiness.
I think she misses Davlos.
Last night I got to tell Cia the news. What Eva told me, about fertile clones.
I think I've made a mistake.
20090806
111.08.05
I spent the day feeling good, if somewhat distracted. Cia said she'd be in the Bazaar shopping, and perhaps we could meet there?
Camille and Cia were shopping for furnishings for their new home. Cia was picking pieces that didn't burn the retina. Camille thought they were boring, and that people who disagreed with her were stupid. Cia played the trump card that she had the wallet access and Camille got grumpy.
Camille started explaining to me how Cia was being stupid by not carrying out her plan to make billions of isk and use the money to put TCMCs in everyones heads.
Cia went white and stumbled away. I think the idea of TCMCs makes her remember her father.
Camille's been hurt and scared. She knows that guards don't always work, that you can't trust many people, can't actually be safe. Her solution is to put TCMCs in everyone's heads, so she can stop them hurting her or Cia ever again. I told her that won't work, there's too many people.
I told Cia that Camille needs help. Like the help the clan gives ex-soldiers. And maybe - maybe Cia needs that as well.
Cia shook her head and told me all she needs is time. That she's getting someone for the crew, and Camille, but she doesn't need it herself.
Why don't I believe her?
Camille and Cia were shopping for furnishings for their new home. Cia was picking pieces that didn't burn the retina. Camille thought they were boring, and that people who disagreed with her were stupid. Cia played the trump card that she had the wallet access and Camille got grumpy.
Camille started explaining to me how Cia was being stupid by not carrying out her plan to make billions of isk and use the money to put TCMCs in everyones heads.
Cia went white and stumbled away. I think the idea of TCMCs makes her remember her father.
Camille's been hurt and scared. She knows that guards don't always work, that you can't trust many people, can't actually be safe. Her solution is to put TCMCs in everyone's heads, so she can stop them hurting her or Cia ever again. I told her that won't work, there's too many people.
I told Cia that Camille needs help. Like the help the clan gives ex-soldiers. And maybe - maybe Cia needs that as well.
Cia shook her head and told me all she needs is time. That she's getting someone for the crew, and Camille, but she doesn't need it herself.
Why don't I believe her?
111.08.04
Cia called. She was running a jump-clone to Lonetrek, but would be back soon. Did I want to meet in Pator? So she could pick up Grace.
Cia called me!
Cia was late. Only a few minutes, but I was chewing my fingernails and pacing around my own living room. She arrived, looking wonderful as usual, and I fumbled around the social niceties. We sat and looked at Grace for a bit - I think Cia likes her - and then Cia asked about home, about Paiho. I told her a bit about the land, and the weather, and she interrupted. Matariki, she said, had suggested she ask about how Atamahara welcomes home it's soldiers.
I told her generalities. That the clan wants to be safe from its ex-soldiers, that sometimes they have to be taught to be safe around other people; to be people. She asked for specifics, what was it like for me. So I told her, part of it. That there were dreams involving blood and piss and knives and terror.
That I'm not like that any more.
And she told me she understood. She already knew I knew; about choices; about consequences.
Then she held me. And told me she had some time before she had to be home, and we went upstairs. And she showed me that she was glad I was back.
She left again later - With two of my crew helping carry Grace - but it didn't feel lonely this time. It felt like there was promise and hope.
I fell asleep smiling.
Cia called me!
Cia was late. Only a few minutes, but I was chewing my fingernails and pacing around my own living room. She arrived, looking wonderful as usual, and I fumbled around the social niceties. We sat and looked at Grace for a bit - I think Cia likes her - and then Cia asked about home, about Paiho. I told her a bit about the land, and the weather, and she interrupted. Matariki, she said, had suggested she ask about how Atamahara welcomes home it's soldiers.
I told her generalities. That the clan wants to be safe from its ex-soldiers, that sometimes they have to be taught to be safe around other people; to be people. She asked for specifics, what was it like for me. So I told her, part of it. That there were dreams involving blood and piss and knives and terror.
That I'm not like that any more.
And she told me she understood. She already knew I knew; about choices; about consequences.
Then she held me. And told me she had some time before she had to be home, and we went upstairs. And she showed me that she was glad I was back.
She left again later - With two of my crew helping carry Grace - but it didn't feel lonely this time. It felt like there was promise and hope.
I fell asleep smiling.
End of the beginning?
I came back from Patrol feeling refreshed, relaxed almost after 4 straight days in a pod. I sent Cia a mail telling her I was back and reminding her about Grace, but she was busy so I went to visit the Shackled Amarr.
Sarr was there. She was drinking again, and looked a little worse for wear. She told me that Gradient is getting ready to kick her out for rocking the boat, that someone was assigned to investigate her, and her "brother" wasn't looking out for her. I tried to tell her the drink wasn't helping. She doesn't fly in wars, and if she's not flying the only thing she does is drink.
I told her she had to find a goal, and suggested some possible options and reasons. Then I realised that I was trying to convince Sarr because I was trying to convince myself - to find goals. Reasons.
Almost everything has been on hold for the last few weeks because of Cia; but that's shown me that I really didn't have that much to put on hold.
Before Cia I didn't have a goal beyond getting through the week, not getting killed, and amassing enough assets to replace an occasional lost ship. I want more. I need more. I want to actually live my life.
Maybe even live it with Cia.
Sarr was there. She was drinking again, and looked a little worse for wear. She told me that Gradient is getting ready to kick her out for rocking the boat, that someone was assigned to investigate her, and her "brother" wasn't looking out for her. I tried to tell her the drink wasn't helping. She doesn't fly in wars, and if she's not flying the only thing she does is drink.
I told her she had to find a goal, and suggested some possible options and reasons. Then I realised that I was trying to convince Sarr because I was trying to convince myself - to find goals. Reasons.
Almost everything has been on hold for the last few weeks because of Cia; but that's shown me that I really didn't have that much to put on hold.
Before Cia I didn't have a goal beyond getting through the week, not getting killed, and amassing enough assets to replace an occasional lost ship. I want more. I need more. I want to actually live my life.
Maybe even live it with Cia.
Beginnings part viii
I was getting ready to go on an extended patrol down in lowsec - live down there for a few days and check out the area. I called Cia to let her know. I reminded her to come and get Grace sometime, and I asked her if she'd decided. Decided whether I could admit that we were together, if we could hold hands in public, or walk arm in arm through the bazaar.
She said yes!
She said yes!
20090805
Beginnings part vii
The next day I left a message with Amieta that I wanted to talk again - we met in the same coffee house in Rens - and I asked her about Camille. Amieta told me Camille didn't have the abstract idea of people, only people-she'd-met, and in the light of day I felt like I had over-reacted. I was probably just feeling the effects of the emotional power dive and climb - Camille was just being Camille.
I talked to Ami for a bit longer - she's fun to hang out with - I can talk to her about things that I wouldn't talk to Cia about. She's still radiates a certain amount of vigilance at me, but I think she almost approves of me and Cia.
Matariki came in to Lenfa's and we all chatted. She's had felt the baby move yesterday and was eager to share. I asked her what it was like having to choose to have a child, rather than to let fortune decide. Mata said that she'd assumed Jonny would get a fertile clone and they'd do it that way, but he'd refused for some reason, so they "fooled around" with an old sperm sample while waiting for the medics to get the dna sample viable... and hit first time. Amieta said maybe Mata's daughter should be named "Alpha strike".
Amieta and I both quizzed Mata after her comment about fertile clones - I thought they weren't possible, but Mata seemed to think it was.
Matariki tried to ask questions about me and Cia - with Amieta sitting next to me! Cia had asked me to not talk about it, so I stonewalled her. Amieta and Matariki both seemed to enjoy gently hassling me about Cia. It felt Ok. Good to laugh. Gentle jibes as signs of acceptance.
As we were leaving Lenfa's we ran into Camille and Cia in the Bazaar. I was happy to see her, yet I felt strange - like I was seeing her at a distance and unable to get closer. I didn't like it.
I asked her if she had a plan for when we go to war - what to do, and what to fly. I know she's not happy about the idea, but she has to at least come up with a plan to stay safe. Matariki suggested she could visit Paiho as something to do during a war.
I got a reminder the next day about why Cia might not be ready to go public. I ran into CJ and I'd heard a rumour about her and Kenpachi getting together. So I asked her about it, hoping to be able to congratulate her, or maybe provide some gentle jibes of my own. She looked at me like I'd missed something obvious, and said that she'd crashed on his couch a couple of times, but she wasn't looking for anyone to sleep with - too many bad memories. Then she left in a hurry making excuses about crew calls. I felt stupid. I think it hurt her to explain, and I caused it because I was listening to half formed stories via gossip.
Matariki came around that evening to see Grace. The more I look, the happier I am with her. Mata could tell I wasn't happy. She asked me how things were between me and Cia and I told her I didn't know. When we were alone, it was wonderful, and when we were apart, or in a crowd, I felt a bit lost. Alone.
And I had doubts. About whether Cia wanted this, or whether she was just bad at saying no.
Matariki told me things I already knew. Build good memories. Have lots of great sex. Have no regrets for things you didn't do.
It was nice to be reminded.
I talked to Ami for a bit longer - she's fun to hang out with - I can talk to her about things that I wouldn't talk to Cia about. She's still radiates a certain amount of vigilance at me, but I think she almost approves of me and Cia.
Matariki came in to Lenfa's and we all chatted. She's had felt the baby move yesterday and was eager to share. I asked her what it was like having to choose to have a child, rather than to let fortune decide. Mata said that she'd assumed Jonny would get a fertile clone and they'd do it that way, but he'd refused for some reason, so they "fooled around" with an old sperm sample while waiting for the medics to get the dna sample viable... and hit first time. Amieta said maybe Mata's daughter should be named "Alpha strike".
Amieta and I both quizzed Mata after her comment about fertile clones - I thought they weren't possible, but Mata seemed to think it was.
Matariki tried to ask questions about me and Cia - with Amieta sitting next to me! Cia had asked me to not talk about it, so I stonewalled her. Amieta and Matariki both seemed to enjoy gently hassling me about Cia. It felt Ok. Good to laugh. Gentle jibes as signs of acceptance.
As we were leaving Lenfa's we ran into Camille and Cia in the Bazaar. I was happy to see her, yet I felt strange - like I was seeing her at a distance and unable to get closer. I didn't like it.
I asked her if she had a plan for when we go to war - what to do, and what to fly. I know she's not happy about the idea, but she has to at least come up with a plan to stay safe. Matariki suggested she could visit Paiho as something to do during a war.
I got a reminder the next day about why Cia might not be ready to go public. I ran into CJ and I'd heard a rumour about her and Kenpachi getting together. So I asked her about it, hoping to be able to congratulate her, or maybe provide some gentle jibes of my own. She looked at me like I'd missed something obvious, and said that she'd crashed on his couch a couple of times, but she wasn't looking for anyone to sleep with - too many bad memories. Then she left in a hurry making excuses about crew calls. I felt stupid. I think it hurt her to explain, and I caused it because I was listening to half formed stories via gossip.
Matariki came around that evening to see Grace. The more I look, the happier I am with her. Mata could tell I wasn't happy. She asked me how things were between me and Cia and I told her I didn't know. When we were alone, it was wonderful, and when we were apart, or in a crowd, I felt a bit lost. Alone.
And I had doubts. About whether Cia wanted this, or whether she was just bad at saying no.
Matariki told me things I already knew. Build good memories. Have lots of great sex. Have no regrets for things you didn't do.
It was nice to be reminded.
20090804
Beginnings part vi
A couple of days later Cia invited me to a party on her ship, with all the crew celebrating the birthday of her XO Luisa. Amieta was there, and Fisk - Cia's Security chief, so there were people to talk to. I was quite careful, trying not to "let people know" that we were, or might be, an item. There was an argument between the XO and some other crew, and Cia stepped in. She chose a middle path, and although I was filled with misgivings when it started, it ended rather well - even the XO looked pleased.
I enjoyed talking with Amieta - she treats Cia like a little sister, and I think if she disapproved she could, practically speaking, end it. But Fisk - I tried treating him politely, reasonably friendly, and he seemed Ok, if a little formal. And later I caught him giving me a dirty look, and then asking Amieta off for a quiet chat. I thought perhaps he found something in my background that he doesn't like, even if it's not bad enough to kick me off her ship.
As the party died down, and we said our goodbyes, I cornered Amieta on the way out - what had Fisk wanted? was it anything to do with me? Ami assured me not, that it was something else and seemed surprised that I dropped it at that point. If she wanted to lie to me, there wasn't anything I could do, and if she was telling me the truth, then ... Cia's ship is not my business - I should stay out unless invited.
I'd asked Cia if she wanted to maybe go sailing the next day, and she said yes. I told her to call me when she was available, and we'd go.
All the next day I spent waiting around. Either in the bazaar or on my ship, or flying listlessly between Rens and Pator. I ran into Amieta in the Bazaar, and we talked for a bit. She seems nice, in a dangerous, competant way. She said I'd answer to her if I hurt Cia. I said if Cia hurt me, Ami would owe me a beer. Ami looked surprised, but agreed.
Then Camille came in - high on sugar and without Cia. She said Cia was working, so she was shopping. Camille started going through a list of plans for how to take over the 'verse - get a monopoly on the air supply and make people pay up or die, put TCMCs in their heads so they'd do what Camille wanted them to. The more I listened, the more I was scared, even horrified. She sounded like a sociopath in the making. I was feeling abandoned, emotional and unable to deal with that any more, so I left Amieta to it before I said something I shouldn't.
That night, after leaving Camille and Amieta in Rens, Mata gave me a call. She asked how I was (shitty) and gave me good advice about dealing with Cia. She told me to relax a bit and try to just get on with her, to let it happen. She also told me that I should get used to Jonny and her being a couple, that it was working and it was good. She'd just told him to sort his sec status out so he could come to the naming day after the birth, and Jonny had been doing legitimate work for the Republic fleet to try to get back in their good books.
I flew back to Rens and walked the Bazaar for a bit and ran into Cia. It was ... good. One of the reasons she'd been busy was that her application to join ReAw was accepted, and she was a bit overwhelmed with information, and the other was that Matariki had cornered her somewhere and asked her questions. We walked arm in arm through the bazaar and talked. It was nice, relaxing, joyous.
We discussed Mata and her child, and it came up that Cia doesn't believe in medically assisted pregnancies - it just wasn't done on Annelle. It felt like Matariki made her sad because Mata has something she thinks she never will, since she's been pod-killed.
I said I might be going down to lowsec to work for a few days, and Cia said she was glad to see me, that she'd miss me, and then kissed me on the cheek before we parted.
The day felt like I had been in a high-G maneuver, diving down and feeling the immense G forces at the bottom, and now I was ending the day feeling weightless, floating at the top. It was dizzying. I felt worn out, emotionally weary, but happy and I found myself smiling all the time.
There has to be an easier path.
I enjoyed talking with Amieta - she treats Cia like a little sister, and I think if she disapproved she could, practically speaking, end it. But Fisk - I tried treating him politely, reasonably friendly, and he seemed Ok, if a little formal. And later I caught him giving me a dirty look, and then asking Amieta off for a quiet chat. I thought perhaps he found something in my background that he doesn't like, even if it's not bad enough to kick me off her ship.
As the party died down, and we said our goodbyes, I cornered Amieta on the way out - what had Fisk wanted? was it anything to do with me? Ami assured me not, that it was something else and seemed surprised that I dropped it at that point. If she wanted to lie to me, there wasn't anything I could do, and if she was telling me the truth, then ... Cia's ship is not my business - I should stay out unless invited.
I'd asked Cia if she wanted to maybe go sailing the next day, and she said yes. I told her to call me when she was available, and we'd go.
All the next day I spent waiting around. Either in the bazaar or on my ship, or flying listlessly between Rens and Pator. I ran into Amieta in the Bazaar, and we talked for a bit. She seems nice, in a dangerous, competant way. She said I'd answer to her if I hurt Cia. I said if Cia hurt me, Ami would owe me a beer. Ami looked surprised, but agreed.
Then Camille came in - high on sugar and without Cia. She said Cia was working, so she was shopping. Camille started going through a list of plans for how to take over the 'verse - get a monopoly on the air supply and make people pay up or die, put TCMCs in their heads so they'd do what Camille wanted them to. The more I listened, the more I was scared, even horrified. She sounded like a sociopath in the making. I was feeling abandoned, emotional and unable to deal with that any more, so I left Amieta to it before I said something I shouldn't.
That night, after leaving Camille and Amieta in Rens, Mata gave me a call. She asked how I was (shitty) and gave me good advice about dealing with Cia. She told me to relax a bit and try to just get on with her, to let it happen. She also told me that I should get used to Jonny and her being a couple, that it was working and it was good. She'd just told him to sort his sec status out so he could come to the naming day after the birth, and Jonny had been doing legitimate work for the Republic fleet to try to get back in their good books.
I flew back to Rens and walked the Bazaar for a bit and ran into Cia. It was ... good. One of the reasons she'd been busy was that her application to join ReAw was accepted, and she was a bit overwhelmed with information, and the other was that Matariki had cornered her somewhere and asked her questions. We walked arm in arm through the bazaar and talked. It was nice, relaxing, joyous.
We discussed Mata and her child, and it came up that Cia doesn't believe in medically assisted pregnancies - it just wasn't done on Annelle. It felt like Matariki made her sad because Mata has something she thinks she never will, since she's been pod-killed.
I said I might be going down to lowsec to work for a few days, and Cia said she was glad to see me, that she'd miss me, and then kissed me on the cheek before we parted.
The day felt like I had been in a high-G maneuver, diving down and feeling the immense G forces at the bottom, and now I was ending the day feeling weightless, floating at the top. It was dizzying. I felt worn out, emotionally weary, but happy and I found myself smiling all the time.
There has to be an easier path.
Beginnings part v
So I set about organising dinner. It took me most of the week. I wasn't doing missions or going on patrols, I was thinking about menus and surprises. I wanted it to be special. I wanted Cia to like it. I booked a really nice restaurant, and a really nice hotel suite, and timed it for sunset around the moon.
I had met Cia's head of security in the Bazaar, and so I sent him a message. I wanted Cia to be safe, without having half a dozen marines in the booth while we were trying to have dinner. Fisk Hurun was no nonsense, and practical, and pretty much everything a security officer should be - I was happy to answer his questions.
And Mata gave me the idea for a gift. I went to Uncle Ashlar, the carver, in his studio on Gyng, and looked at the finished pieces. He had one of a woman seated, pouring a jug, with hinted-at features instead of having every detail delineated. It is one of those pieces where you could see any beautiful woman there rather than one in particular, and the lines suggested movement and elegance- in fact, Ashlar had named it "Grace". I thought it would be perfect.
And I had to get new clothes. Back to Rens Bazaar - I found a tailor who would make me something appropriate. Black with gold thread marking clan patterns of courting. It had a high collar with buttons, and I thought it would look fantastic.
And then the day arrived. I was walking around the entrance of the restaurant, trying not to look nervous, and failing.
She arrived. Peeling off from her guards and walking up to me looking fantastic. Simple, Elegant, and with hair! She'd jump-cloned in the meantime back to a missioning clone, and this one hadn't been mistreated.
I lead her into the restaurant, and we were quickly seated, and then we talked for hours. In between we ate. I don't remember much of what we said, but there were bits. She told me that her father had been in FIO, that he'd had a cloning accident and been gone for some time. And when he came back Cia was in the White Rose society - Sansha supporters. He thought she'd been controlled by Sansha and would have information about them. So he kidnapped Cia and Camille - his own daughters - and tortured Cia for information about the Sansha.
Amieta rescued them, and Silver.
I was horrified, and relieved, and embarrassed for being relieved.
I mentioned that I'd worked in the Federation for a while, and she asked where and too late I figured out that FIO was not the right answer. She looked scared, and then like she was convincing herself that I wasn't necessarily a spy from her father - building a reality that fit what she hoped? I'm not sure.
At the appointed time, I walked her to the Hotel - I was pre-registered - and took her to the window floor. And we watched the sunset together holding hands until it got dark and talking some more... I showed her Grace, and said it was a present for her. I think she liked it.
Then I offered her the chance to do more than talk, and she said yes. I wonder still if that was what she wanted, or whether she was trying to figure out what I wanted. I was desperately trying not to pressure her, but maybe that's a pressure in itself. Afterwards, I asked what tomorrow would bring.
Big mistake. She looked scared - trapped - and I tried to back-pedal. She asked if we had to decide now, couldn't we leave it for a bit, nobody else had to know right?
And of course I said yes.
Then she said she had to get back to Camille. Camille needed her. "Maybe one day, Amieta or someone could babysit and Cia could spend the night?", "Maybe" she said.
And then she kissed me and left. One day she'll come back and pick up Grace.
The hotel room felt very lonely right then, but I was damned if I was going back to my hangar.
I had met Cia's head of security in the Bazaar, and so I sent him a message. I wanted Cia to be safe, without having half a dozen marines in the booth while we were trying to have dinner. Fisk Hurun was no nonsense, and practical, and pretty much everything a security officer should be - I was happy to answer his questions.
And Mata gave me the idea for a gift. I went to Uncle Ashlar, the carver, in his studio on Gyng, and looked at the finished pieces. He had one of a woman seated, pouring a jug, with hinted-at features instead of having every detail delineated. It is one of those pieces where you could see any beautiful woman there rather than one in particular, and the lines suggested movement and elegance- in fact, Ashlar had named it "Grace". I thought it would be perfect.
And I had to get new clothes. Back to Rens Bazaar - I found a tailor who would make me something appropriate. Black with gold thread marking clan patterns of courting. It had a high collar with buttons, and I thought it would look fantastic.
And then the day arrived. I was walking around the entrance of the restaurant, trying not to look nervous, and failing.
She arrived. Peeling off from her guards and walking up to me looking fantastic. Simple, Elegant, and with hair! She'd jump-cloned in the meantime back to a missioning clone, and this one hadn't been mistreated.
I lead her into the restaurant, and we were quickly seated, and then we talked for hours. In between we ate. I don't remember much of what we said, but there were bits. She told me that her father had been in FIO, that he'd had a cloning accident and been gone for some time. And when he came back Cia was in the White Rose society - Sansha supporters. He thought she'd been controlled by Sansha and would have information about them. So he kidnapped Cia and Camille - his own daughters - and tortured Cia for information about the Sansha.
Amieta rescued them, and Silver.
I was horrified, and relieved, and embarrassed for being relieved.
I mentioned that I'd worked in the Federation for a while, and she asked where and too late I figured out that FIO was not the right answer. She looked scared, and then like she was convincing herself that I wasn't necessarily a spy from her father - building a reality that fit what she hoped? I'm not sure.
At the appointed time, I walked her to the Hotel - I was pre-registered - and took her to the window floor. And we watched the sunset together holding hands until it got dark and talking some more... I showed her Grace, and said it was a present for her. I think she liked it.
Then I offered her the chance to do more than talk, and she said yes. I wonder still if that was what she wanted, or whether she was trying to figure out what I wanted. I was desperately trying not to pressure her, but maybe that's a pressure in itself. Afterwards, I asked what tomorrow would bring.
Big mistake. She looked scared - trapped - and I tried to back-pedal. She asked if we had to decide now, couldn't we leave it for a bit, nobody else had to know right?
And of course I said yes.
Then she said she had to get back to Camille. Camille needed her. "Maybe one day, Amieta or someone could babysit and Cia could spend the night?", "Maybe" she said.
And then she kissed me and left. One day she'll come back and pick up Grace.
The hotel room felt very lonely right then, but I was damned if I was going back to my hangar.
Beginnings part iv
Interviewing Silver Night was an exercise in frustration. I like to get an idea of what a potential recruit feels - what they want, what they don't want, to try to tell if they'd be a good fit. Silver was all "I want what the corp wants" and "My feelings are irrelevant". Combined with the Caldari formality, I wasn't sure whether he'd fit or not.
I got glimpses though - when I told him that Re-Awakened has a few people who are getting second chances or trying to redeem themselves for past mistakes he seemed almost eager, hopeful maybe.
I told him that I'd recommend he be accepted if he put in an app. I suggested to Eva that she clear it with the other CEOs in EM before accepting him though, after Jonny.
Cia started hanging out in the EM Public channel - She was hoping to get to know people in the alliance I think. She mentioned she was doing missions, and I offered to help - of course, by that time I was half way to Lonetrek to leave a jump-clone in Torrinos. I finished the trip, feeling slightly embarrassed that she'd caught me doing that, while at the same time somehow pleased that she knew.
Then I clone jumped back to Pator and ran missions with her for hours in Lustrevik until she qualified for jobs from the agent in her own right. It was peaceful, in a warlike way, and a pattern that I'm familiar with. There was no embarrassment in calling targets or setting destinations. Almost like I'd forgotten who was in my gang. I liked it.
Later that afternoon I talked to Mata - about how I felt, and what I was thinking. I asked her if she thought I was going to fast, and she asked questions, the way she does, and said "You're almost holding hands and you're worried you're going too fast?" - Mata can be pretty scathing when she wants to be.
I got glimpses though - when I told him that Re-Awakened has a few people who are getting second chances or trying to redeem themselves for past mistakes he seemed almost eager, hopeful maybe.
I told him that I'd recommend he be accepted if he put in an app. I suggested to Eva that she clear it with the other CEOs in EM before accepting him though, after Jonny.
Cia started hanging out in the EM Public channel - She was hoping to get to know people in the alliance I think. She mentioned she was doing missions, and I offered to help - of course, by that time I was half way to Lonetrek to leave a jump-clone in Torrinos. I finished the trip, feeling slightly embarrassed that she'd caught me doing that, while at the same time somehow pleased that she knew.
Then I clone jumped back to Pator and ran missions with her for hours in Lustrevik until she qualified for jobs from the agent in her own right. It was peaceful, in a warlike way, and a pattern that I'm familiar with. There was no embarrassment in calling targets or setting destinations. Almost like I'd forgotten who was in my gang. I liked it.
Later that afternoon I talked to Mata - about how I felt, and what I was thinking. I asked her if she thought I was going to fast, and she asked questions, the way she does, and said "You're almost holding hands and you're worried you're going too fast?" - Mata can be pretty scathing when she wants to be.
20090803
Beginnings part iii
A week went by, I was distracted, barely doing any missions or combat patrols - haunting the bazaar hoping I'd see her again. I sent Cia a message asking about dinner and she gave me a time and an address - Torrinos - Deep in Lonetrek. So I flew over. I arrived early and paced around the docking bay until the right time.
I brought some things I thought Cia and Camille might like, including a weapon. It's a high tech version of the one I carry. She had told me she had nightmares about one time she'd killed someone with a knife - though now I wonder if it was the knife or the killing - and my solution to that particular problem sits on my hip.
I dressed somewhat formally; much more so than normally. and Cia was wearing a simple blue dress that highlighted her eyes - I thought she looked wonderful. Camille was impressed with the gifts, though they were mostly junk from my hangar. The meal was great (though I don't remember much about it), the company excellent. After the food, Camille volunteered to go do her homework, and gave me a huge wink when Cia wasn't looking - is that the little-sister seal of approval?
I was awkward and tongue-tied, Cia was charming and wonderful... We almost held hands, and I kissed her on the cheek when I left. I wanted to hold her but I didn't want to scare her. After what her father did, or what I imagined he did, I felt like any move might ruin things. Every time she blushed I felt my heart beat a little faster.
I asked about the possibility of dinner without Camille sometime, and Cia said yes. My heart soared.
Cia had resigned from her corp - her CEO was killing people she thought of as friends, and she didn't want to be involved. Captain Vikarion was sure he was right, that his cause justified any action however unpleasant - he reminded her of her father I think.
She said she had promised herself a week to think about what to do next. I might have mentioned Re-Awakened ...
I left feeling embarrassed after tripping over the furniture. A silly end to a perfect evening.
I had another early morning op the next morning, and had to fly 30 jumps to get there slightly late - I didn't miss much, and we tracked a war target down in highsec and popped and podded him. I was sleep deprived from the late finish and the early start and I didn't care - the 'verse was a wonderful place.
After the Op, I stopped in at the Shackled Amarr to talk with the other pilots on the Op. Sarr was there - she hadn't been on the Op, but she'd been drinking again. She was angry. She said a pilot in Gradient used to be a Slaver, and had bragged about it, and her corp didn't care; that they were covering things up; that they didn't want her to make a fuss. Elsebeth Rhiannon, her CEO, had told her to drop it. Sarr wouldn't - couldn't. She asked me to talk to Eva or KJ - the Alliance directors - and get them to do something about it. Other pilots from the Op started filing into the bar and I used it as an excuse to get out.
I dropped a line to Eva and took off to Rens to be far away from Pator; from Sarrapis when she's drunk.
I saw Cia in space - she was doing missions in Rens, working on standings with the Brutor Tribe. I couldn't think of a reason she'd do that unless she was thinking about Re-Awakened's standing requirements.
I walked the Bazaar for a bit smiling a lot, and found a coffee house called Lenfa's. It's comfortable and hidden. I gradually relaxed and waited for Eva. I don't get to talk to my CEO often, but I enjoy it when I do. I told Eva about Sarrapis, about her fears and her drinking, and Eva told me that it was common in ex-slaves, She'd seen it before that it would pass with time. Eva promised she'd look into Sarr's problem.
I told Eva I was hoping to recruit Cia into Re-Awakened, that she had just left White Rose, and that I'd seen her missioning in Rens that morning. Eva smiled and told me that she thought Cia would fit in the corp, that she was pleased she'd recruited me, and that she was only waiting a couple of months before making me a director because she wanted me to still be having fun.
Director? Me? Responsible in part for the workings of the alliance? I must have looked stunned, since I think Eva laughed at me. I suggested that recruiter roles would be adequate, and she nodded and agreed - My first job as an official recruiter was going to be interviewing Silver Night.
Silver Night! He's the one Amieta works for. He helped save Cia from her father. Maybe he'd help convince Cia to join Re-Awakened?
I brought some things I thought Cia and Camille might like, including a weapon. It's a high tech version of the one I carry. She had told me she had nightmares about one time she'd killed someone with a knife - though now I wonder if it was the knife or the killing - and my solution to that particular problem sits on my hip.
I dressed somewhat formally; much more so than normally. and Cia was wearing a simple blue dress that highlighted her eyes - I thought she looked wonderful. Camille was impressed with the gifts, though they were mostly junk from my hangar. The meal was great (though I don't remember much about it), the company excellent. After the food, Camille volunteered to go do her homework, and gave me a huge wink when Cia wasn't looking - is that the little-sister seal of approval?
I was awkward and tongue-tied, Cia was charming and wonderful... We almost held hands, and I kissed her on the cheek when I left. I wanted to hold her but I didn't want to scare her. After what her father did, or what I imagined he did, I felt like any move might ruin things. Every time she blushed I felt my heart beat a little faster.
I asked about the possibility of dinner without Camille sometime, and Cia said yes. My heart soared.
Cia had resigned from her corp - her CEO was killing people she thought of as friends, and she didn't want to be involved. Captain Vikarion was sure he was right, that his cause justified any action however unpleasant - he reminded her of her father I think.
She said she had promised herself a week to think about what to do next. I might have mentioned Re-Awakened ...
I left feeling embarrassed after tripping over the furniture. A silly end to a perfect evening.
I had another early morning op the next morning, and had to fly 30 jumps to get there slightly late - I didn't miss much, and we tracked a war target down in highsec and popped and podded him. I was sleep deprived from the late finish and the early start and I didn't care - the 'verse was a wonderful place.
After the Op, I stopped in at the Shackled Amarr to talk with the other pilots on the Op. Sarr was there - she hadn't been on the Op, but she'd been drinking again. She was angry. She said a pilot in Gradient used to be a Slaver, and had bragged about it, and her corp didn't care; that they were covering things up; that they didn't want her to make a fuss. Elsebeth Rhiannon, her CEO, had told her to drop it. Sarr wouldn't - couldn't. She asked me to talk to Eva or KJ - the Alliance directors - and get them to do something about it. Other pilots from the Op started filing into the bar and I used it as an excuse to get out.
I dropped a line to Eva and took off to Rens to be far away from Pator; from Sarrapis when she's drunk.
I saw Cia in space - she was doing missions in Rens, working on standings with the Brutor Tribe. I couldn't think of a reason she'd do that unless she was thinking about Re-Awakened's standing requirements.
I walked the Bazaar for a bit smiling a lot, and found a coffee house called Lenfa's. It's comfortable and hidden. I gradually relaxed and waited for Eva. I don't get to talk to my CEO often, but I enjoy it when I do. I told Eva about Sarrapis, about her fears and her drinking, and Eva told me that it was common in ex-slaves, She'd seen it before that it would pass with time. Eva promised she'd look into Sarr's problem.
I told Eva I was hoping to recruit Cia into Re-Awakened, that she had just left White Rose, and that I'd seen her missioning in Rens that morning. Eva smiled and told me that she thought Cia would fit in the corp, that she was pleased she'd recruited me, and that she was only waiting a couple of months before making me a director because she wanted me to still be having fun.
Director? Me? Responsible in part for the workings of the alliance? I must have looked stunned, since I think Eva laughed at me. I suggested that recruiter roles would be adequate, and she nodded and agreed - My first job as an official recruiter was going to be interviewing Silver Night.
Silver Night! He's the one Amieta works for. He helped save Cia from her father. Maybe he'd help convince Cia to join Re-Awakened?
Beginnings part ii
The next day she was in the Bazaar again - She was still wearing a hat, a shapeless encompassing hat that hid most of her head. She kept touching it like she was worried someone was going to take it, or it was going to fall off. She asked lots of questions, about me, about EM, about why people do unpleasant things to each other.
Gradually, under gentle questioning it came out that her father had done "things" to her, and when she wouldn't do what he wanted, he'd tried to put chips in her head to make her. And when she got away, or was too broken, he got access to her med clone and did what he wanted with that. She took her hat off to show the scars, where her father had tried to put chips in her head; where the medics tried to repair the damage - her hair shaved close to the skin, and the pink patches of the scars in her head.
I guess I assumed the worst - that her father had molested her. And I wanted to be in that white inty with him in my sights. Shoot him down, slowly, make him suffer and die.
But I needed to save Cia first. She looked like she was in post-combat shock - not sure that surviving was the lucky option. I started with the obvious, that because bad things happen to a person, that doesn't make that person bad. That the person at fault for hurting her was her father, not her. It still surprises me how people have to be told this. She told me that Amieta had promised her that her father couldn't hurt her again.
I told her she didn't have to be ashamed. That her father should be ashamed. That her scars were... battle-scars, and battle-scars can be things of pride in being a survivor - that she was a survivor.
I think I helped. I think she looked stronger after thinking about it. She even invited me to come to dinner sometime.
Then I got to meet Amieta, or Ami. Ami is an older woman, who has been in the wars - both her arms have been replaced with prosthetics from the shoulder down. Not prosthetics that could pass as flesh, but obvious mechanical prosthetics - I think Ami understands about battle-scars. Amieta looked at me like she's met a lot of young punks and if I'm one of them it will go worse for me. I think I like her. She seemed pleased that Cia wasn't wearing her hat any more.
It was a long day of talking but at the end of it I felt useful. Needed. Maybe even wanted.
Gradually, under gentle questioning it came out that her father had done "things" to her, and when she wouldn't do what he wanted, he'd tried to put chips in her head to make her. And when she got away, or was too broken, he got access to her med clone and did what he wanted with that. She took her hat off to show the scars, where her father had tried to put chips in her head; where the medics tried to repair the damage - her hair shaved close to the skin, and the pink patches of the scars in her head.
I guess I assumed the worst - that her father had molested her. And I wanted to be in that white inty with him in my sights. Shoot him down, slowly, make him suffer and die.
But I needed to save Cia first. She looked like she was in post-combat shock - not sure that surviving was the lucky option. I started with the obvious, that because bad things happen to a person, that doesn't make that person bad. That the person at fault for hurting her was her father, not her. It still surprises me how people have to be told this. She told me that Amieta had promised her that her father couldn't hurt her again.
I told her she didn't have to be ashamed. That her father should be ashamed. That her scars were... battle-scars, and battle-scars can be things of pride in being a survivor - that she was a survivor.
I think I helped. I think she looked stronger after thinking about it. She even invited me to come to dinner sometime.
Then I got to meet Amieta, or Ami. Ami is an older woman, who has been in the wars - both her arms have been replaced with prosthetics from the shoulder down. Not prosthetics that could pass as flesh, but obvious mechanical prosthetics - I think Ami understands about battle-scars. Amieta looked at me like she's met a lot of young punks and if I'm one of them it will go worse for me. I think I like her. She seemed pleased that Cia wasn't wearing her hat any more.
It was a long day of talking but at the end of it I felt useful. Needed. Maybe even wanted.
Beginnings
Two weeks. It's been only two weeks since I met her, and my life feels like it's been turned upside down.
Actually, it feels like I'm still spinning. Sometimes everything is up, and sometimes everything is down.
Matariki says writing it down might help. I'm giving that a try, though it may all be a waste of time.
It started in the Bazaar... actually, it started before that, with a different person.
It started in a bar. In Pator VII Kulheim station, at the Shackled Amarr. It was after an early shift op, and I decided to drop in there to hang out and relax with the gradient pilots. The only pilot there was Sarrapis, and she hadn't been on the op. She was drunk. She was sad, and she wanted to get drunker.
Sarrapis is a hauler pilot for Gradient. She says she was a slave, and she has no memories prior to being rescued by a Gradient pilot from a slave hulk - something about Vitoc side-effects. She seemed lonely, and when I talked to her it felt like I was throwing her a life-line. She was hanging on my every word, but I knew it wasn't because of what I was saying, just that someone was paying attention to her.
So I did a bit of drinking with her, and she did a lot of drinking, and we talked. And I discovered she had never been on a planet - or didn't remember being on a planet, so I offered to take her to Matar.
The next day, I took her sailing, on a lake near Paiho. It was a slightly windy day, so the boat was pushed and blown around.
Sarr loved it. Loved the wind in her hair, the sun on her face. She was fun to be around. It was nice feeling like the virtuous warrior in the white interceptor. She didn't drink anything all day.
We got back to station, wind-burned and happy, and she had a hot-chocolate drink and went to bed, looking like a new person.
And then I wandered Heimatar feeling ... like doing good deeds, or rescuing someone.
And in the Rens Bazaar I ran into Camille again - she's 7, and intelligent and vivacious, and she talks to strangers in the streets and she has her own security team of hard people following her around. What changed the world was that she introduced me to her sister - Cia...
Cia is Gallente, tallish, maybe 15cm shorter than me, and looked scared. She looked like she'd been in a crash or something, and had some scary looking guards around. She seemed interested to talk, and reminded me a lot of Sarr only not unhealthily skinny. So naturally, I got into the white interceptor again. I gave Camille some suggestions and she went off with her security team, and I got to talk to Cia.
Cia was sad and hurt and twitchy at the most unlikely topics. I set out to right wrongs and save her...
Actually, it feels like I'm still spinning. Sometimes everything is up, and sometimes everything is down.
Matariki says writing it down might help. I'm giving that a try, though it may all be a waste of time.
It started in the Bazaar... actually, it started before that, with a different person.
It started in a bar. In Pator VII Kulheim station, at the Shackled Amarr. It was after an early shift op, and I decided to drop in there to hang out and relax with the gradient pilots. The only pilot there was Sarrapis, and she hadn't been on the op. She was drunk. She was sad, and she wanted to get drunker.
Sarrapis is a hauler pilot for Gradient. She says she was a slave, and she has no memories prior to being rescued by a Gradient pilot from a slave hulk - something about Vitoc side-effects. She seemed lonely, and when I talked to her it felt like I was throwing her a life-line. She was hanging on my every word, but I knew it wasn't because of what I was saying, just that someone was paying attention to her.
So I did a bit of drinking with her, and she did a lot of drinking, and we talked. And I discovered she had never been on a planet - or didn't remember being on a planet, so I offered to take her to Matar.
The next day, I took her sailing, on a lake near Paiho. It was a slightly windy day, so the boat was pushed and blown around.
Sarr loved it. Loved the wind in her hair, the sun on her face. She was fun to be around. It was nice feeling like the virtuous warrior in the white interceptor. She didn't drink anything all day.
We got back to station, wind-burned and happy, and she had a hot-chocolate drink and went to bed, looking like a new person.
And then I wandered Heimatar feeling ... like doing good deeds, or rescuing someone.
And in the Rens Bazaar I ran into Camille again - she's 7, and intelligent and vivacious, and she talks to strangers in the streets and she has her own security team of hard people following her around. What changed the world was that she introduced me to her sister - Cia...
Cia is Gallente, tallish, maybe 15cm shorter than me, and looked scared. She looked like she'd been in a crash or something, and had some scary looking guards around. She seemed interested to talk, and reminded me a lot of Sarr only not unhealthily skinny. So naturally, I got into the white interceptor again. I gave Camille some suggestions and she went off with her security team, and I got to talk to Cia.
Cia was sad and hurt and twitchy at the most unlikely topics. I set out to right wrongs and save her...
Nothing to see here
Matariki said I should write things down. Get it straight in my head.
I'm thinking about it.
I'm thinking about it.
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