I've seen Aradian around the camp a bit during the gathering. Always at a distance. Not quite avoiding each other.
She came to visit last night. Matiu let her past without even asking me. She wanted to talk. We smiled at the memories of so many years ago. Then shared an awkward silence while we wondered what to say next.
She's studying electronics design, producing circuits her clan can sell. She spent a couple of years away at university, and is running her own workshop while finishing up.
I told her I was a small cog in a large machine, but that I was proud of some of the things we were doing.
Why didn't you come to visit when you got back from the wars?
I didn't know if you'd want me to, and well, I was a bit broken. A lot broken.
You could have asked...
Could I? I knew she'd had a child with someone else, that should have meant something, shouldn't it? And really, I wasn't safe to be around for a while.
Aradian ended up hugging me somehow, and then we were both on the bed wrapped in each others arms. It's been eight years, but it felt natural to hold her, to whisper in her ear.
I'm not ... available - I'm taken.
I'm not asking for that, just tonight.
At that point it felt like it would have been rude to refuse.
Carinelle said it wouldn't bother her so long as I told her about it afterwards - so why am I so nervous?
And after all my good intentions too.
20100521
I should never play poker with an Auntie
I've been putting off that conversation for some time, but Auntie Gytha cornered me the morning after Ko Braya had me for dinner.
I see you've been quite popular with the young ladies Ulf, but it seems none of them has been popular enough with you. Already got someone huh? Or are you saving yourself for one of Chief Braya's nieces?
I suspect I set new records for blushing.
Gytha pried the story out of me, and I tried to argue for why it was a good idea as well as what I wanted. Gytha smiled and let me talk, trying to fill the spaces in the conversation where she was just snickering.
She's always been able to do that, since I can remember. Even once I figured out that's what she was doing.
You always were quick to decide, and slow to change your mind. Let's hope she fancies you as much as you fancy her.
Gytha wants to meet Carinelle sometime, to see what she's like for herself. I wonder what Carinelle will think of her.
I see you've been quite popular with the young ladies Ulf, but it seems none of them has been popular enough with you. Already got someone huh? Or are you saving yourself for one of Chief Braya's nieces?
I suspect I set new records for blushing.
Gytha pried the story out of me, and I tried to argue for why it was a good idea as well as what I wanted. Gytha smiled and let me talk, trying to fill the spaces in the conversation where she was just snickering.
She's always been able to do that, since I can remember. Even once I figured out that's what she was doing.
You always were quick to decide, and slow to change your mind. Let's hope she fancies you as much as you fancy her.
Gytha wants to meet Carinelle sometime, to see what she's like for herself. I wonder what Carinelle will think of her.
Barefoot she dances in the rain
Matariki danced for the clans.
Ko Braya watched.
It's been a long time since I've seen her dance. I used to tease her about it. Do deformed scorpion, it's my favourite but now she moves with a grace and beauty that I envy.
It didn't hurt that she was practically naked. There was a certain section of the audience that was very appreciative.
Now she's been recognised as a teacher of dance. She's young for that.
It made me think; what have I done? What skills do I have that I can pass on to the next generation of the clan?
I shot expert with a pistol once. I can still move quietly through a forest at need. There are better than me at both in the clan though.
Maybe I should work on getting some skills that are more useful for the clan.
Ko Braya watched.
It's been a long time since I've seen her dance. I used to tease her about it. Do deformed scorpion, it's my favourite but now she moves with a grace and beauty that I envy.
It didn't hurt that she was practically naked. There was a certain section of the audience that was very appreciative.
Now she's been recognised as a teacher of dance. She's young for that.
It made me think; what have I done? What skills do I have that I can pass on to the next generation of the clan?
I shot expert with a pistol once. I can still move quietly through a forest at need. There are better than me at both in the clan though.
Maybe I should work on getting some skills that are more useful for the clan.
20100519
The queen and the soldier
I did dinner with Ko Braya tonight. She reminds me of Elsebeth in many ways. I get the same urge to flee to Delve, and I watch everything I say very carefully.
She's trying to read me, I think. To tell which way I'll jump if she tosses something my way. She asked a few questions about Matariki, as well as about Electus Matari.
I owe her truth, but I don't know that I owe her honesty. She doesn't need to know my hopes or dreams. I feel like she'd try to weigh them somehow to see if they'd be exploitable.
Perhaps that's what her role requires of her, and maybe I should be pleased that she's trying to be good at it.
But I'm not sure I'll like her nieces...
She's trying to read me, I think. To tell which way I'll jump if she tosses something my way. She asked a few questions about Matariki, as well as about Electus Matari.
I owe her truth, but I don't know that I owe her honesty. She doesn't need to know my hopes or dreams. I feel like she'd try to weigh them somehow to see if they'd be exploitable.
Perhaps that's what her role requires of her, and maybe I should be pleased that she's trying to be good at it.
But I'm not sure I'll like her nieces...
What price happiness?
Sansha are attacking hisec planets. Closest has been Lustrevik so far, but no reason to think they couldn't come to Matar. Carinelle sent me a warning in case we hadn't heard.
There are echoes of history all around. The weather has been crap, with dark clouds for days and rain such that the common walk-ways are now mires of mud. I'm getting to wear a lot of the clan wool. The threat of ships from orbit coming to collect slaves makes the weather more symbolic; oppressive.
I told Nelle that it was all in hand, but seriously, an armoured assault force would be very difficult to fight off from the ground. The Republic fleet doesn't like people other than them to be aiming weapons capable of downing assault shuttles, and though most everyone carries a rifle, I'm not sure how useful that would be against a Sansha armoured marine.
But there's only so much you can do without hiding in a cave, and we're not going to do that.
Worse than contemplating helplessness has been being able to help. The people of the gathering mostly know me by sight now. 10,000 people who recognize me and greet me by name, and I know barely a hundred of them outside my clan.
Some have taken to walking alongside me when I'm walking to the tavern or a meeting, and telling me their great idea for how to corner the market in something or other, or produce a new thing that will aid the clans to greatness.
All they need is a little investment capital...
I don't know enough about most pitches to tell if it will work, and they're not my clan. Still, they are my people. I'm looking at one of my cousins to find someone with enough business sense to choose worthwhile projects, and maybe make a payoff, but mostly to be able to send these people to bother someone else.
Worse are the sick people, who are sure that some expensive medical procedure will help them. Worst are the parents who have sick children.
Some people are going to die no matter how much isk you spend. How much is it worth to find out if someone's child is one of them?
Matariki had the right idea at Paiho I think. She built a med-centre, and we both put isk in for medical training scholarships. Perhaps we could do that for other clans in Maa'Tushindor, but that doesn't help today's girl with the aggressive cancer, or boy with the congenital heart defect.
I've put some money aside for transport costs, and made arrangements for people to be able to visit our med-centre. That's probably the best I can do at the moment as far as helping the most people.
The aunties want to see Atamahara gain influence. Putting in med-centres around the lands of other clans would mean that other clans owed us favours, or at least would listen to our clan when the Maa'Tushindor had a decision to make. I think the aunties would be happier if they were the ones deciding where any med-centres went, but they'll take credit regardless.
There are echoes of history all around. The weather has been crap, with dark clouds for days and rain such that the common walk-ways are now mires of mud. I'm getting to wear a lot of the clan wool. The threat of ships from orbit coming to collect slaves makes the weather more symbolic; oppressive.
I told Nelle that it was all in hand, but seriously, an armoured assault force would be very difficult to fight off from the ground. The Republic fleet doesn't like people other than them to be aiming weapons capable of downing assault shuttles, and though most everyone carries a rifle, I'm not sure how useful that would be against a Sansha armoured marine.
But there's only so much you can do without hiding in a cave, and we're not going to do that.
Worse than contemplating helplessness has been being able to help. The people of the gathering mostly know me by sight now. 10,000 people who recognize me and greet me by name, and I know barely a hundred of them outside my clan.
Some have taken to walking alongside me when I'm walking to the tavern or a meeting, and telling me their great idea for how to corner the market in something or other, or produce a new thing that will aid the clans to greatness.
All they need is a little investment capital...
I don't know enough about most pitches to tell if it will work, and they're not my clan. Still, they are my people. I'm looking at one of my cousins to find someone with enough business sense to choose worthwhile projects, and maybe make a payoff, but mostly to be able to send these people to bother someone else.
Worse are the sick people, who are sure that some expensive medical procedure will help them. Worst are the parents who have sick children.
Some people are going to die no matter how much isk you spend. How much is it worth to find out if someone's child is one of them?
Matariki had the right idea at Paiho I think. She built a med-centre, and we both put isk in for medical training scholarships. Perhaps we could do that for other clans in Maa'Tushindor, but that doesn't help today's girl with the aggressive cancer, or boy with the congenital heart defect.
I've put some money aside for transport costs, and made arrangements for people to be able to visit our med-centre. That's probably the best I can do at the moment as far as helping the most people.
The aunties want to see Atamahara gain influence. Putting in med-centres around the lands of other clans would mean that other clans owed us favours, or at least would listen to our clan when the Maa'Tushindor had a decision to make. I think the aunties would be happier if they were the ones deciding where any med-centres went, but they'll take credit regardless.
20100514
Hesitations
Gatherings were more fun when I wasn't important. When I was 13 I would spend the day running around with the packs of children from the various clans, begging for sweets, swimming in the river, eyeing the girls from other clans, and being carefree.
Now I have Matiu following me around to remind me when I'm supposed to be doing kaff with someone from another clan. He is older than I am, and I remember treating him with respect and deference, but now he defers to me in public. He makes subtle signs and suggestions, and manages to extract me without offending my hosts when I'm due somewhere else. His job is to help me get through this without making commitments, or offending anyone I shouldn't.
He leers gently when another young woman eyes me across the tavern tent, suggesting I take advantage of the offers while they're still being made without strings. He says the pod-pilot implants are "girl-magnets" and he seems vaguely disappointed that I haven't taken up any offers. I think that he's had several offers himself to try to distract him so someone else could get me alone.
I feel like a Mammoth surrounded by Vagabonds.
I got a letter from Nelle. She's been thinking about the Aunties. What I should tell them. She's very reasonable. She doesn't really give me any concrete answers. She doesn't tell me it will last forever, or even that she wants it to, but she does say that it's up for negotiation. A possibility. Like we're not negotiating over whether it will last for a long time, but whether it will last forever. I like the way I feel inside when I think of that.
Maybe I've been unfair. Expecting her to tell me what she wants without telling her what I want.
What do I want?
Now I have Matiu following me around to remind me when I'm supposed to be doing kaff with someone from another clan. He is older than I am, and I remember treating him with respect and deference, but now he defers to me in public. He makes subtle signs and suggestions, and manages to extract me without offending my hosts when I'm due somewhere else. His job is to help me get through this without making commitments, or offending anyone I shouldn't.
He leers gently when another young woman eyes me across the tavern tent, suggesting I take advantage of the offers while they're still being made without strings. He says the pod-pilot implants are "girl-magnets" and he seems vaguely disappointed that I haven't taken up any offers. I think that he's had several offers himself to try to distract him so someone else could get me alone.
I feel like a Mammoth surrounded by Vagabonds.
I got a letter from Nelle. She's been thinking about the Aunties. What I should tell them. She's very reasonable. She doesn't really give me any concrete answers. She doesn't tell me it will last forever, or even that she wants it to, but she does say that it's up for negotiation. A possibility. Like we're not negotiating over whether it will last for a long time, but whether it will last forever. I like the way I feel inside when I think of that.
Maybe I've been unfair. Expecting her to tell me what she wants without telling her what I want.
What do I want?
20100509
Conversations I haven't had yet
- I have a girlfriend, her name is Carinelle - so far so good.
- She's half Sebiestor, half Gallente - That's better than Jonny, right?
- She leads fleets with Electus Matari - Good line, that will definitely help
She's got another boyfriend, a Brutor who's married to an Amarrian- Maybe not such a good idea to mention at this point?
20100508
All that she wants
Fourteen. I've been propositioned fourteen times since the gathering started. More than half by young women still in their teens.
I made the mistake of telling one of them that this clone wasn't fertile. She looked at me, with her hand cupping her chin and said Never mind, I'll get my Aunties to talk to your clan about straws.
Matariki laughed so hard when I asked her what that meant.
When I was seventeen, Aradian and I spent most of the gathering at it like rabbits. I thought I loved her, and that she loved me. I think there was disappointment she didn't end up pregnant.
Not long after that I went off to the Military. Now she has a six year old clan-child, a boy, fathered by someone else.
I've always known children were important, but I think I'd hoped they'd be created with love, not just the hope of a child with pilot's genes.
Maybe, if I be their stud, the Aunties won't try to marry me off?
I made the mistake of telling one of them that this clone wasn't fertile. She looked at me, with her hand cupping her chin and said Never mind, I'll get my Aunties to talk to your clan about straws.
Matariki laughed so hard when I asked her what that meant.
When I was seventeen, Aradian and I spent most of the gathering at it like rabbits. I thought I loved her, and that she loved me. I think there was disappointment she didn't end up pregnant.
Not long after that I went off to the Military. Now she has a six year old clan-child, a boy, fathered by someone else.
I've always known children were important, but I think I'd hoped they'd be created with love, not just the hope of a child with pilot's genes.
Maybe, if I be their stud, the Aunties won't try to marry me off?
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