Tell me now how should I feel?

Sometimes I hate blank slates. That state of near infinite possibility, too much to grasp. It happens in ship fits - I can make sensible tweaks to a fit, but often I stare at a blank hull for ages before deciding what to put on it. Sometimes it happens with more theoretical problems, that until I can find a couple of edge pieces and maybe a corner, the jigsaw is too hard.

Ko Braya, chieftainess of the sub-tribe, has called a meeting of the clans for Maa'Tushindor. It's something that happens every few years, and part of how the clans stay in touch beyond messages. It'll be a few weeks of drinking, talking, dancing, feasting and politics.

Especially politics.

The Aunties have asked Matariki and I to go. That's bound to be politics too. I think they want to show off that they have two pod pilots in the clan. Probably they want to show me off, like a prize stud bull at the farm shows. They won't resolve anything there, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are offers in the next year.

I could play the rude oaf, but that would not be doing my duty properly. Anyway, it's unlikely to stop a clan making an offer, they'd just be more likely to send someone who's got "personality issues" of their own.

I still haven't told the Aunties about Nelle. I can guess some of the questions they'll have, and I don't have answers. I told myself I was waiting for the talk with Rocius. But that hasn't really resolved
anything. He makes no demands to fit around.

In some way's we're a blank slate. I can't see a shape of the future to aim for.

I told Nelle about the festival. She ask casually if my Aunties would try to find me a fiancée. Too casually.

People have tried to tell me that it won't work. That eventually the clan will ask me to do my duty. That the longer I put it off, the more I'll hurt Nelle; and myself. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to be alone again.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a solution.

Maybe we will find a solution.

She's my girl too

After the funeral, I cornered Rocius. We shared a whiskey or three and remembered Debes.

Then we talked about Carinelle.

He seemed a lot more relaxed than I'd expected. He said stepping down as Alliance executor had been a good idea, but that he wasn't really sure what to do with himself. We neither of us knew what to say, but I came away thinking that he's not threatened, nor threatening me over Carinelle. That he thinks it's up to her.

I can live with that.

He did sugest that we both leave some sort of signal when we're staying with Nelle, to avoid embarrassing night time encounters. Apparently, I'm not his type.

He seems as bemused by this as I am.

Who wants to live forever

Debes Sparre died last week. He was drinking alone in a bar in Istodard and passed out, threw up, and drowned in his own vomit.

But it's Ok, cos pod-pilots are immortal, right?

Debes was a crazy bastard. He was extremely skilled, but kept pushing the limits. This meant he got some fantastic kills that I would never even have tried. Also that he got some very stupid losses.

He did that for other people too. Made them try things they wouldn't have tried on their own. Made me try things. Gave us successes. He was the one who convinced me to get in an Oneiros. I don't get on killmails often, but I kept him alive a couple of times.

At the funeral Elsebeth spoke very well. I think he used to infuriate her, but she spoke like he was special to her. Perhaps she feels that way about most of her pilots. Gottii spoke well too, then flew Debes' Vagabond into the sun, with his corpse on board.

He leaves a hole. I hope we can fill it.

Putty in her hands

Cia's lost a crew-member - her psychiatrist, Dr Valhiri Akhel. Dr Akhel went off to Arzad for some reason, and appears to have been captured by persons unknown.

Arzad is currently pretty hot as far as the faction war goes.

Gottii is concerned. He thinks that Cia will have told Dr Akhel all the things that Gottii told her. Or if she didn't, that Dr Akhel will have been able to discern things about Cia from observation that would be very useful to an enemy. That Cia would be putty in the hands of a Mary psy-ops team that had access to Dr Akhel.

For Fuck's Sake. Cia would be putty in the hands of anyone who said the right things, things like "I was wrong, I'm sorry about threatening your sister, I'm trying to change, please help me Cia".

This is not significantly more of a threat than anything else, and anyway, I'm not a director any more. What does he expect me to do?

How well do you know him?

Still no sign of him. I had a thought this morning that cheers me. Maybe he's as nervous as I am?

That challenges my image of him a lot.

But that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Where are you?

I've been keeping a vague look out. Put an alert on when he connects to the pod interface. Looking around to find him.

I don't really want to find him.

But I think I should.

Getting to know her

I saw Elsebeth in the Alliance channel and asked if she was busy. I had resolved to try to drag her out more often, for something other than work.

She was free, and we arranged to meet in Anuko's new bar. Over drinks we circled seeing what we could talk about. She said she'd reached the point where she was comfortable enough with Gradient that if she ran off to Delve it wouldn't all fall apart.

But aren't you already married?

Well, that confused her, so I needed to explain about the jokes CJ, Gottii and I used to tell in Corp channels about running away and hiding in Delve whenever Matariki and Elsebeth met, since we were sure they were organising arranged marriages.

Then we talked about marriage. She mentioned I was eligible and asked if there had been offers. I told her. I asked her what marriage was like...

I think we're both relaxing a little in each others company.

I got her to laugh. Not entirely intentionally. She cornered me into promising to take her out for drinks again sometime.

I don't think that will be a huge hardship.

Vicarious successes

I'm beginning to see what Debes likes about Logistics ships. He was running a BC/HAC gang chasing pirates. We got into a stand-up fight just off a station. We killed 8 battleships, 4 Battlecruisers and a couple of cruisers, while fighting under station guns. During the third engagement with the same group of pirates, they dropped a carrier on us. We de-aggressed, maintaining a remote-rep web, and then docked.

We lost nothing.

The difference was that some of the BC were fit with remote reps, and I was there in an Oneiros.

There's no way we could have done that without the Oneiros. We'd have lost multiple ships. Thousands of people.

I think that's worth the effort.

Cause you're known by the company you keep

We're at war. We declared war on an alliance that was red to us for piracy. One corp had attacked an EM moon control tower, repeatedly.

One of the other corporations in the alliance came to us to ask why. They were polite and friendly. And they appear to be NRDS anti-pirates in the Federation.

Why, we asked, were they in the same alliance as the pirates?

Ancient history. Friendships. They weren't happy about what they did, but it was difficult to do anything about it. At least, not without being rude.

We've been very civil to them, and them to us. But we still shoot them when we see them.

In other times, we would be their friends. We would support them. But because of who their friends are, we can't.

Caellach is a recent recruit in ReAwakened. His girlfriend, Shae, is a pirate. I think she was in Hellcats, and recently joined Veto, who, as long as they stay out of the republic, are not red to us. Gottii invited her to his voluval ceremony.

Eva was with Davlos when he was pirating. Matariki with Jonny when he was red to us.

It feels like we have been walking a similar line to the poor corp that we're currently shooting. Just, unofficially.

Perhaps we should have more sympathy, or perhaps we should have more integrity.

You realize that sometime, you gotta make up your mind.

Elsebeth asked me once whether I would betray a friend for the cause. For the Republic.

I said no.

At CJ's initiation into her new tribe, there was a series of fights, where they beat the shit out of her. The last fight was against Gottii. CJ couldn't defend herself, and Gottii kept hitting her, trying to hit her hard enough to appease the judges, and not so hard as to kill her. They knew. That he was pulling his punches. So they made him hit her again. And again.

It was their clan's way of asking Gottii - "Would you beat a friend because the clan told you to?"

Gottii said yes.

It's only words, and words are all I have....

I started writing because I was trying to get things straight in my head. But sometimes, the act of writing thing down crystalises them. Makes them Real rather than Potential.

It's been a month of bad potentials.

I'm no longer a director, nor a recruiter. I chose to leave those positions.

But there are things I want to crystalise. I just want to avoid thinking about some things while thinking about others.

It's more difficult than I thought.