Prosthetic conscience

Sarakai finally got back to me and agreed to meet me in Lenfa's place for tea. She showed up looking calm like she usually does, but slightly uneasy at the same time.

We talked, inconsequentials. Then she asked me what I'd done in the service. I told her. Including the bad bits.

She accused me of being - stupidly - sensitive. Of caring about a single person I'd killed when I could look into their eyes, but not the thousands that died under the guns of my ship.

She was wrong. I cared about the person I killed face to face, yes. But I also care about the ones I kill under my guns. I couldn't explain to her why. At least, not in a way she seemed to understand.

Coming to EM was part of coming to terms with that. Now, the people who end up under my guns are supposed to be there. They're shooting back, and they're taking their chances, just like I am. I don't have bad nights over them.

She seemed confused. She said there were obviously rules about who you could kill and who you couldn't, and she didn't understand them.

Could she ask me? When she wasn't sure?

Obviously, she said, plausible deniability would have to be maintained. She'd use hypotheticals.

What could I say? I said yes.

Am I teaching her to be a better person? Or am I teaching her to pass as one?

Shopping malls and dinosaurs

Cia invited people to Luminaire to shop. I showed up to find Cia, Camille and Helmi. Luminaire isn't that far away. I wonder why other people skipped it.

Cia's tired. I volunteered to wrangle Cami while she had a rest in the cafe. Helmi stayed with Cia.

Camille chose a model of a Raven, and a remote controlled dinosaur model.

Cami knows Cia's sick. Not just tired. She's worried. But she told me Ami's going to fix things. Ami's good at rescuing people.

Camille cheers herself up when she doesn't think about it too much.

I wonder what Amieta's up to.

BIONE Bar

Went to the BIONE bar. My major recollections are philosophy and beer. Meeting new people. Carinelle, Isobel. Discussing Ivan and Debes yelling at each other in alliance - I have a feeling that may have to be mediated at some point.

BIONE seems to have a few friendly people, but also a lot of shy people. Maybe they'll get used to me if I visit more.

And I cried True Tears of Joy

I was working in Lustrevik for the Brutor Tribe, restricting an Angel incursion when a podpilot warped into the dead space area and promptly went red from Agro. He'd stolen stuff from me, according to CONCORD regulations. The Pilot was from the TEARS alliance, and they had a reputation for ambushing people running missions. So I warped my Malestrom out, and went back in Live fast or die - my Vagabond class cruiser.

He was gone. So I warped back to the station, and then for some reason decided to warp back again. I found him, looting more of my wrecks. And I popped him.

I expected his reinforcements to show up then, trying to kill my ship. But nobody did.

No shakes, not even slightly.

Imagination

Debes nearly got us all killed. We went on an anti-pirate roam in fast cruisers through Molden Heath, up through Metropolis, and into some Caldari Lowsec. Debes ordered me to jump into nullsec gateway systems a few times to see what was there. One time, I jumped into a system with 30 neutrals in local, and 5 or 6 on the gate. I reported types and did a runner and got out without being touched or followed.

Debes decided to take our fleet (of about 12) into that system. We jumped in and on orders shot at some of the locals. Ivan put up his Dictor bubble and we tried to shoot at some of the people coming to the gate. They were from a group called Wildly Inapproriate. About 2 minutes later, 2 ships warped into the gate, we shot at them, and they jumped. Then 20 people showed up at once. Debes called for a withdrawal.

I was sitting on the gate, locked and warp disrupted, trying to jump out. The stargate wouldn't let me jump due to "recent aggression". My sensors were telling me that a lot of people had me locked up, and there were swarms of drones incoming on me. Unfortunately for Debes, though not for me, he was primary target and went down quickly, KJ was taking damage. Someone else's ship died.

Sitting there for 40 seconds hoping that my ship would survive long enough to make the jump. pressing the button that requested the stargate jump me, and knowing there was nothing else I could do.

40 long seconds.

Finally I jumped. I warped to relative safety away from the other side of the gate. I was shaking in my pod. Still alive. Celebrating my good fortune on the Corp channel, with KJ who also survived.

Later Cia contacted me, someone had sent a mail to Camille, trying to make contact. An inappropriate mail. Cia was asking me if I thought she was over-reacting. I mean, Camille's ID includes her age, right? She's eight years old. I told her she wasn't being over-reacting. That she should tell her security.

Then she said she was glad I was safe. In that sort of tone where it feels like it's more than just the normal concern for a corp-mate. But I can't be sure.

Am I imagining things? Why do I care?

But I do.

Alone in a crowd

Before meeting Sara in the bazaar, I went to the party at Carinelle's place. It started pretty well, and quickly became crowded.

There was a lot of history in the room. It felt like half the room had been in a relationship with one another at some stage, and not all the breakups had been amicable.

Brooding brutor on the fringes, glaring at the crowd.

I found myself avoiding the center of the room once Rocius arrived. I was circling talking to people I knew well enough to greet. One was Anuko. Another was Cia.

Anuko was standing near the bar, filling up regularly. I took the opportunity to say hello when I was getting a drink. We haven't really talked since the day she walked out of the shuttle bay without looking back. She still seems bitter. But she talked to me.

Anuko asked me how my relationship was going. I think she meant Cia. She had a strange look on her face when I told her that it had crashed and burned the same weekend that I took her to Matar. She talked to me a little more but after she's had a few drinks, she has difficulty being non-confrontational. She eventually decided there were too many people and left. She may have overheard me telling Cia that I had invited Amieta on a sailing trip. That was the first trip I took Anuko on - to see a planet from the waves.

Cia was standing in the corner looking alone. She wasn't looking well. She had a nose bleed, and had to rush into Carinelle's bathroom a couple of times. Carinelle was quite concerned, and had a quiet chat to me. Cia left early, looking sick.

One of Elsebeth's cousins was there; Alyssa. I think it's been since announced that Alyssa and Teo Keish are getting married. I don't really know either of them. Alyssa just joined the alliance as a Gradient rep on the executor corp board.

Cierelle showed up; Rocius' wife. She seemed to be proudly pregnant. Rocius doted on her, in between doting on Carinelle. Mata was sitting on the couch in the middle of the room, and Cierelle ended up there too. I was avoiding it after Rocius arrived. KJ showed up looking pretty pleased with himself, and there were some conversations going on there.

Gradually people left. With each person or couple leaving, it became more difficult to avoid Rocius, so I decided to leave too. Mata called on me to wait for her. KJ, Mata and I left together. There was a bit of an after-party going on at the Shackled Amarr, but I skipped it. I heard later that Veren had got in a fight with someone, so perhaps that was for the best.

I was looking forward to the party. I was hoping for some music and some dancing, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable watching people renewing old relationships.

Maybe I understand more what Sara said about being alone in a crowd.

Revelations

I stopped in the bazaar to have dinner and who should walk in but Sara. It was nice to see her again. I asked her for a bit more details about the complications she spoke of. Was I already involved?

She told me that nobody was hunting her, and that I was unlikely to be caught up in anything. As far as she knew.

The complications were that she thought she would have to tell me things about her that would cause me to not want to be her friend any more. And so she'd rather keep me as a friend than try for more, tell me, and have me run away. But, if I wanted to know, she'd tell me.

What could I do then? I can't pretend all is still wonderful. Either I walk away, or I ask how bad it is.

So I asked.

I knew she'd been in the Guristas, a pirate. And I knew before that she'd been in the Watch as an undercover agent. I could guess the sort of things you might have to do to survive undercover, or to join the Guristas for real. I understand what people will do when it's a choice between survival or death.

I've been in wars, I've done things that were just wrong. But I didn't enjoy it. Actually, that's not true. There were times that it was exhilarating. The adrenalline and terror. The joy at being still alive. Afterwards, I'd get drunk to try to forget. I didn't want to remember what I'd done.

I regretted it.

One of the reasons I came home; joined Reawakened; was so I didn't have to pretend that what I was doing wasn't that bad.

I could understand anything, I thought.

Sara... It's not what she did. It's that she doesn't think it was wrong. She'd do it again. No guilt.

She just knows that some people think that what she did was wrong, so she's giving me a choice.

Now I have to decide.

Dinner with Sarakai

She was late. I waited for 2 hours. Am I stupid?

She showed up though. Work. These things happen. We talked about things, Caldari and Matari. Similarities. Differences. Sara seemed pleased that inter-corp relations in EM seem so friendly. I invited her to Carinelle's party. I mentioned that I'd heard rumours that some people didn't approve of Silver. I shouldn't have - now she's trying to determine if there are threats.

We discussed strength, rigidity vs flexibility. She said if she'd been more flexible she might never have been run out of the Watch. But then, she wouldn't have joined the Guristas, nor gone to work for Silver. And never met me. She asked about the sailing trip I'd promised Amieta. I've invited her too. Perhaps I should have cleared that with Amieta?

Then I asked her what our status was. Were we more than friends? I rambled a bit, thinking that I was making a mistake. She smiled and said it was a fair question.

The answer was that we were friends, for the time being at least. That there are complications in her life that I'd become involved in if we were an item.

She said she'll explain one day, honest.

Afterward I thought, how would people know? Would I be more involved in her complications than when I'm seen walking arm in arm with her through the bazaar?

Maybe I'm already involved, and I just don't know it?

Bazaar

It was a long day. I got into the bazaar after visiting the museum, and ran into KJ, Amieta, Cia and Camille. There was some excitement with some Amarrian buying some slaver hounds, and then having one shot dead in the corridor, and then everyone else started wandering away.

I did get the chance to ask Amieta what the deal was about her and Sarakai. I had inferred from Sara's hints that Amieta was pushing her into spending more time with me, but Amieta said that she was just pushing Sara into spending more time off duty, and if she chose to spend that time with me, that was up to her; but that it was good she was getting out more.

Then I got to spend time talking with Killjoy. It was good. He looks like recently he's been a bit stressed. I volunteered to help out more, and he said taking recruitment off his hands was a big help, and anything after that was gravy. The big issue at the moment is industry. That's really not my field. KJs also feeling twitchy about the whole corp thing. Whether he's doing the right thing with Eva gone. Whether she's going to come back and tell him he did the wrong thing. I tried to tell him that she should be happy that he kept it going, and couldn't complain if it wasn't exactly the way she'd planned if she didn't tell anyone the plan.

We went drinking, and hung out and chatted. Talked corp history, and guns. How much stress was involved in being a director.

I told him what I knew of Cia's history. His reaction was to want to kill Cia's father too. I told him Amieta said she'd taken care of it, and we started talking about Amieta. I warned him that she said she doesn't like them skinny or too pretty. He laughed and said he wasn't planning on getting to know her quite that way.

Then we finished our drinks and headed for the exit, and just as KJ left, Matariki came in. She was planning on meeting Elsebeth in the bazaar, so I stayed to talk to her until Elsebeth showed up. I talked about the visit to the Museum with Carinelle. Mata talked about the exhibits there, and how she thought that it was a shame that so many of them were related to our people's history as slaves. Like we couldn't discuss the mother of the clan without mentioning she was a slave. I think Mata's a bit twitchy about something. Then Elsebeth arrived, and I made an excuse and walked off into the bazaar to leave them a chance to talk in private.

And I ran into Ciarente. She was shopping for books. Books for Camille that she thought would teach her morals, or set good examples. She's in a new jump clone because her doctor said the other clone was sick. Cia let slip that they expect this clone to get sick too.

I asked about the physical security on her pod or something, anything to explain how different clones could get ill in the same way. Helmi seemed to think I was impugning Cia's security team, but I didn't really want to consider the alternative.

What kind of thing can cross the jump clone barrier? I can only think of genetic things. They might not be curable.

Ciarente told me not to worry. Begged me not to worry. She said she's got Camille and Ami to worry about already and she can't be worrying about me as well. So I promised I wouldn't worry too much.

I was surprised. I mean, I thought we were almost back to being friends, but she says something like that. It makes me wonder if there's still hope. And then I crush it. It won't work.

But I still care.

We talked about role models, and she talked like she was trying to find ways to influence Camille's life if she dies soon. I reminded her that it looked like Cami wanted to grow up like Amieta, and that there are worse examples out there that she could choose. That's when Cia told me she wanted a lawyer. To make arrangements so that if Cia dies, Amieta could raise Camille without a legal challenge. Cia's estate would be quite a lot of isk, and without a solid legal basis, it could be challenged.

She's talking like that's likely. The death, and the legal challenge.

I hope she's wrong.

Mediator

Arkady called. He's been pushing the Alliance restructure and asked if I'd be interested in taking on one of the roles. Mediator for the 1st shift.

It's an honour. It's something I think I can do. It's mostly listening. Understanding. Trying to talk to people who can't actually talk to each other.

That evening I had my argument with Cia.

Maybe I'm worse at this than I thought?

Loneliness by Proxy

It's been a busy few days. I have a bunch of things to get straight in my head, and every time I try to think about them, I get side-tracked by the last thing, so I'm going to write about that first.

I think Cia is feeling lonely; left out. She has got quite defensive about how people talk about clans and belonging, and was telling me that I was hurting CJ by talking about clans, families and how we fit in front of CJ.

I don't think that's true. I think it's Cia that's hurt.

She got a bit insistent about it last night. I said I'd talk to CJ about it. About whether it really did bother her. Cia got more insistent, like she didn't want me to talk to CJ. I got a bit rude I think, and said that unlike some people I didn't try to decide what was best for other people without talking to them about it.

I left at that point, since I might have gone a bit far.

I've talked to CJ before about stuff when I thought I'd hurt her, and she's been fairly straight forward, and not nearly as fragile as Cia seems to think. So tonight I talked to CJ again. Asked her if it bugged her. She said that sometimes she doesn't really know what to say, but that it isn't a problem. It doesn't bug her. She said actually, I've never done anything that bugged her.

I've been thinking about what Cia said, and I thought maybe CJ would like to fit in more. Maybe if she sees what it's like she won't feel so lost. So I invited her to Paiho sometime, next time there was a social event I was going to.

She looked a bit nervous. Asked what kind of social event. What should she wear. I told her it depends, sometimes the Aunties run something, and sometimes the cousins have a dance party where leathers and boots would be perfectly appropriate - that's what CJ wears a lot. She seemed much happier with that idea. I told her about Caci. How she's like my big sister, and CJ laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Like there's something about the clan she can already recognise or understand.

Next time the cousins are having a party, I'll let CJ know and take her along if she's free.

So now I'm pretty sure Cia is using CJ as an excuse to tell me I shouldn't talk to people about what clan they're from or how we might be related. That actually it's Cia who's broken.

On reflection, that shouldn't surprise me.

I don't think Cia realises how rude she's being when she tells me that how I or Matariki interact with people; the way anyone from my clan, or lots of other clans in the Republic, might greet people; is wrong, instead of just different from what she's used to.

But she's sick; sick enough to have to jump-clone to a body that her doctor doesn't think has the problem yet; and she's told me she can't cope with more worry, so I'm going to leave it alone. I don't need to win this argument.

Museums

Carinelle invited me to join her at the Illuin Museum. We looked at a few exhibits, but mostly we ended up talking. Carinelle is half Sebiestor. She only found out a year or so back, and I think it was a challenge for her to deal with. She's interested in talking about what that might mean. What a life in a clan might be like.

Carinelle warned me that I should talk to Sarakai about being seen with Carinelle. She tends to end up being covered by the press. I told her that Sara and I were probably just friends. Carinelle laughed and pointed out that I had a history of being wrong about that. Somewhat embarrassing, but she was right. I don't want to push Sara so hard that we can't be friends, and I don't want her to shoot me. Carinelle laughed hard when I told her that.

We talked more. About clans; about being an outsider; about being able to protect yourself. Carinelle could probably join a clan if she wanted, but she doesn't want to unless it's because Rocius has asked her to marry him. Then he wouldn't be able to exclude her from things to protect her.

But she was raised Gallente, and thinks it would be hard to let a clan make choices for her.

I tried telling her about my clan, how things work. She seemed interested, and thoughtful. She called me sweet, nice, and balanced. It's a change, having someone think of me that way who wasn't my cousin.

It's a pity that she's involved with Rocius.

Remembrances

Auntie Yana died a few months back. Last night there was a remembrance for her. The clan gathered around a fire and we told stories. Things Yana did that were kind, or funny, or showed her character. Like the time she caught Enki out the back with Gudrun from the Polanni clan and loudly reviewed his seduction technique after listening for 5 minutes until he nearly died of embarrassment... then invited them both in, gave them a hot drink and some prophylactics...

Yana's going wasn't a surprise. Matariki offered to get her a clone, but Yana said it had been long enough. I don't think she thought she'd still be her afterwards. Tonight we asked the ancestors who watch over the clan to accept her into their number, so she could keep watching over us, and the ones that follow.

Angel reminded Enki this would mean that Yana would be watching him try his seduction next time, and he cried and laughed at the same time.

I think that she'll be there. Mediating with the spirits of the wind and the earth, the sun and the rain, to help our clan grow strong. And we will remember her.

Dry days

Today was Cia's birthday. And also something she called Dry day after a fire ceremony from her home world. Her Engineer, Mitch, set up some forcefields to contain the heat and flames, and then walled the hangar with flames. He also mounded some earth or something, and carved a ditch through it also filled with fire, with bridges over the ditch.

Cia was wearing a spectacular red dress, with a matching red jewelled necklace. She looked really good. But she looked tired. Like she needed a rest and a hug. At the end, when I said goodbye, I wanted to hug her very badly. That's not my place any more. I can't do that again until I'm invited.

In any case, I'd gone to the party with Sara. We gave Cia matched cookbooks - me from Matari cooking, and Sara from Caldari. I think she liked them. I hope she liked them.

Cia was the centre of attention, so Sara and I went and stood on one of the bridges and looked at the fires. We talked. She's asked me to take her to Michel's. Just the two of us.

It's a lot less up-market than I'd expected, but then I don't think the price of the food matters to Sara, and I know they have her favourite brand of tea.

I must have rubbed the bruise where she hit me in sparring, since she asked me if I was alright. When I told her it was where someone punched me, she laughed and said I was tough, I could take it. I told her I was a sensitive flower and she laughed again and called me a tough sensitive flower.

We talked. About different sides. Tough and sensitive. She said she'd always had more use for tough. That was hardly a surprise. She's been hard all her life. I wonder if I have introduced some sensitive into her life.

I asked if she liked coming to parties like this, with lots of people. I think she prefers to be alone. She said she probably wouldn't go if I didn't invite her. I asked her if she'd prefer to come to these sorts of things, or to go somewhere just the two of us, and she said she didn't mind.

I wondered if she meant that what she liked was spending time with me, but I'm probably imagining things.

Sara said Amieta had been very enthusiastic about arranging time off for her to see me. That Ami thinks she needs to get out more. I must talk to Amieta about that sometime. I told her not to let Ami push her if she didn't want to, but Sara said she'd been enjoying herself.

I told Sara that I had to leave early. To go to Matar for a ceremony for Auntie Yana. I offered to escort her home first if she wished. She said she would stay and match names with files... I guess that's her job, but it surprised me a bit.

As I was leaving, escorting Matariki from the hangar, I turned to look at Sara. She was watching me leave.

And she was smiling at me.

Sparring

Sarakai is fast. I kind of knew she would be, but she's faster than that. Still, I actually made her work up a sweat to put me down. She was using lots of low kicks to feel out my defences, and I was moving away to get a feel for how fast she is. I tried a counter-attack flurry one time, and didn't quite connect, and I only just deflected her riposte.

I thought she was getting tired, so I let her strike, deflected it, and tried to body slam her while fending off the other hand. Missed it just, and she followed up with a leg hook that dropped me.

I have quite a bruise over my heart.

While I was rubbing the bruise she saw some of my tattoos and asked about them, so I showed her. I told her what they all mean. That it's a reminder that I'm part of Paiho.

She said she liked them, and told me she had two tattoos. One of which was a small Guristas tattoo and the other was some facial nano-tattoos, which she's never seen. They only show when she's really angry or upset. I think she keeps herself so under control that they never show.

I asked where the rabbit tattoo was. She smiled and said I'd have to use my imagination. She did infiltration for the Guristas and if it had been seen she would have been in big trouble. that doesn't leave too many places...

Sara's going to pick somewhere to have dinner and let me know. I'm rather looking forward to it.