Who loves who the most?

Nelle is back from Eldulf. We met at the SA and said hello to the various pilots passing through, then made our excuses.

Nelle took me back to her place. To be alone. I got to hold her in my arms again. It's been less than a week and my arms miss her.

I asked after Cierelle, Rocius and the twins. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but they're important to Nelle. She thinks Rocius is curious about how we're doing, but won't ask.

Then she said she might be falling in love with me.

I didn't really process it. She said it quietly and I was in the middle of saying something else...

I've been avoiding calling her. I check my mail all the time to see if she's replied. I don't want to be a stalker. I told her that and she laughed and said she'd been avoiding calling me for the same reason.

We're both a bit hopeless.

I asked her about Else. Whether Else liked her. Nelle thinks Elsebeth doesn't approve of relationships that won't lead to marriage or something; that a proper clan background was important; that maybe Elsebeth thinks I'm wasting my time seeing Carinelle.

I asked what she thought.

She rushed a sentence out about marriage, about how maybe she wouldn't be bringing an important clan to Atamahara, but if she married me, I wouldn't have to leave, and they'd get another wealthy pilot, even if she was Gallentean.

I felt like someone had hit me in the forehead with a mallet. But it's not just us.

What about Rocius. Where does Desher fit in.

She doesn't know. Neither of us does. But she said that if this is going to last, she wants to do the right thing for all parties involved.

We both tell ourselves that it's too soon. And yet we're both thinking about it.

Somehow the subject of changing people came up. Nelle doesn't think you should try to change people; either it's a small irritation, which you should put up with, or it's a large irritation and you probably can't change it.

So I told her that people could change; how I'd changed; how the demons got out, and how they got caged again.

About how much I owe my Aunties; why I don't like doing things without being sure they're wanted.

Nelle kissed my tears away and told me it was alright. Then she took me to bed and held me in her arms for a long time, feeling closer than I've felt to anyone before. And slowly, very gently, she showed me I was wanted.