Revelations

I stopped in the bazaar to have dinner and who should walk in but Sara. It was nice to see her again. I asked her for a bit more details about the complications she spoke of. Was I already involved?

She told me that nobody was hunting her, and that I was unlikely to be caught up in anything. As far as she knew.

The complications were that she thought she would have to tell me things about her that would cause me to not want to be her friend any more. And so she'd rather keep me as a friend than try for more, tell me, and have me run away. But, if I wanted to know, she'd tell me.

What could I do then? I can't pretend all is still wonderful. Either I walk away, or I ask how bad it is.

So I asked.

I knew she'd been in the Guristas, a pirate. And I knew before that she'd been in the Watch as an undercover agent. I could guess the sort of things you might have to do to survive undercover, or to join the Guristas for real. I understand what people will do when it's a choice between survival or death.

I've been in wars, I've done things that were just wrong. But I didn't enjoy it. Actually, that's not true. There were times that it was exhilarating. The adrenalline and terror. The joy at being still alive. Afterwards, I'd get drunk to try to forget. I didn't want to remember what I'd done.

I regretted it.

One of the reasons I came home; joined Reawakened; was so I didn't have to pretend that what I was doing wasn't that bad.

I could understand anything, I thought.

Sara... It's not what she did. It's that she doesn't think it was wrong. She'd do it again. No guilt.

She just knows that some people think that what she did was wrong, so she's giving me a choice.

Now I have to decide.