Loneliness by Proxy

It's been a busy few days. I have a bunch of things to get straight in my head, and every time I try to think about them, I get side-tracked by the last thing, so I'm going to write about that first.

I think Cia is feeling lonely; left out. She has got quite defensive about how people talk about clans and belonging, and was telling me that I was hurting CJ by talking about clans, families and how we fit in front of CJ.

I don't think that's true. I think it's Cia that's hurt.

She got a bit insistent about it last night. I said I'd talk to CJ about it. About whether it really did bother her. Cia got more insistent, like she didn't want me to talk to CJ. I got a bit rude I think, and said that unlike some people I didn't try to decide what was best for other people without talking to them about it.

I left at that point, since I might have gone a bit far.

I've talked to CJ before about stuff when I thought I'd hurt her, and she's been fairly straight forward, and not nearly as fragile as Cia seems to think. So tonight I talked to CJ again. Asked her if it bugged her. She said that sometimes she doesn't really know what to say, but that it isn't a problem. It doesn't bug her. She said actually, I've never done anything that bugged her.

I've been thinking about what Cia said, and I thought maybe CJ would like to fit in more. Maybe if she sees what it's like she won't feel so lost. So I invited her to Paiho sometime, next time there was a social event I was going to.

She looked a bit nervous. Asked what kind of social event. What should she wear. I told her it depends, sometimes the Aunties run something, and sometimes the cousins have a dance party where leathers and boots would be perfectly appropriate - that's what CJ wears a lot. She seemed much happier with that idea. I told her about Caci. How she's like my big sister, and CJ laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Like there's something about the clan she can already recognise or understand.

Next time the cousins are having a party, I'll let CJ know and take her along if she's free.

So now I'm pretty sure Cia is using CJ as an excuse to tell me I shouldn't talk to people about what clan they're from or how we might be related. That actually it's Cia who's broken.

On reflection, that shouldn't surprise me.

I don't think Cia realises how rude she's being when she tells me that how I or Matariki interact with people; the way anyone from my clan, or lots of other clans in the Republic, might greet people; is wrong, instead of just different from what she's used to.

But she's sick; sick enough to have to jump-clone to a body that her doctor doesn't think has the problem yet; and she's told me she can't cope with more worry, so I'm going to leave it alone. I don't need to win this argument.