Openings

I've been busy for the last few days. KJ has come down ill, and Matariki and I have been fueling a corp low-sec moon tower. KJ threw money at us, and we had to find out what was needed and get it down there. Mata was finding the materials and buying them, and I was hauling and loading. Mata is a little twitchy about going to lowsec at the moment.

It's something new. I've not been involved with moon towers before. It's an opportunity to learn, maybe get into the production side of things.

I did dinner with Sarakai. I wore the new suit - it's not as flashy as the black one with the gold courting patterns - and I like the subtle designs in the weave. Sara wore a slinky black floor-length sleeveless dress. It looked spectacular, but I'm not sure she was entirely comfortable in it. I don't think I've seen her out of uniform before. Later she said that occasionally she might like to try wearing it again.

It was the same restaurant I took Cia to, although I didn't organise a private booth or menu this time. Sara doesn't eat very much, so the food wasn't center stage. We talked. About clothes. About dressing up. About being alone.

Sara asked me if being alone bothered me. It had never bothered her, but she was starting to think that it bothered other people. I told her a bit about Cia. That it had been like stepping out from the dark into sun light that was both wonderfully bright and horribly blinding. That I had screwed it up. That now I noticed I was back in the dark, and that bothered me in ways it hadn't bothered me before.

She asked if I wanted to try it again. I said "Yes. One day. With a little more thought maybe".

Was that an offer?

I didn't think so at the time, but afterward I wondered if I was missing something.

Sara told me she had been alone from very early, after her mother died. She was running a street gang by the time she was 16. She got arrested and given the choice between joining the Watch and going to gaol. She quite seriously said that if she'd stayed, she might be running the place now. Since then, she'd been surrounded by people and yet always felt alone. In the Watch, and in the Guristas, and now in Silver's employ.

I think Sara's enjoying spending time with me. I'm not expecting anything more. I'm not even sure I'm offering anything more.

I like spending time with her. She seems at peace, and I find things like sitting and drinking tea together very relaxing. She doesn't make me feel like I have to talk all the time. That sometimes silence is welcome.

But I don't know what she wants.

I don't really know what I want either. Sometimes I think she's interested, in a very dry and subtle way. Other times I'm sure she's not. Sometimes I think I'm interested, and sometimes I think I'm not.

I'm twenty four. She's fifty something.

What does that mean when I don't have my original body? When I might have a body about this functional indefinitely? Does it come down to life experience? Sara is very good at what she does, but sometimes she seems as awkward as I feel. Like she put growing up on hold to survive in the slums, the Watch and the Guristas. She did what she had to to survive and that included shutting down her feelings.

Maybe she's thinking about opening them up again.