Seasons don't fear the reaper

Sometimes in big battles I get into a sort of Zen state. I keep doing what I do the best I can, and stop worrying about being shot. I get none of the shakes I get in smaller battles. There's nothing I can do to stop it, so I put it out of my mind. I almost relax.

This was quite a big battle. We were trying to protect a control tower in lowsec, and the enemy brought capitals. We brought more capitals, and they brought more capitals and a Nyx. Things got a bit out of hand, and our capital ships retreated into the shields. The Fleet commander said Battleships stay on the field until the carriers are safe.

We were expendable.

I stayed, shooting, until the last carrier was safe. More of the enemy fire was directed to the Princess of Pator, and when the FC said pull back, I was back inside the shields inside of seconds with 10% of my armour left. I saw the alert that Carinelle was being scrambled by the Nyx, and there was nothing I could do to help.

Watching Carinelle's ship go down was hard, so close to the end of the battle. The wreck ended up inside the shields of the Control tower.

Afterwards, I held her for hours, letting her shake. It wasn't her fault, there was nothing she could have done. The ship should have been safe.

But should doesn't make the pain go away, nor bring back the dead.