Hesitations

Gatherings were more fun when I wasn't important. When I was 13 I would spend the day running around with the packs of children from the various clans, begging for sweets, swimming in the river, eyeing the girls from other clans, and being carefree.

Now I have Matiu following me around to remind me when I'm supposed to be doing kaff with someone from another clan. He is older than I am, and I remember treating him with respect and deference, but now he defers to me in public. He makes subtle signs and suggestions, and manages to extract me without offending my hosts when I'm due somewhere else. His job is to help me get through this without making commitments, or offending anyone I shouldn't.

He leers gently when another young woman eyes me across the tavern tent, suggesting I take advantage of the offers while they're still being made without strings. He says the pod-pilot implants are "girl-magnets" and he seems vaguely disappointed that I haven't taken up any offers. I think that he's had several offers himself to try to distract him so someone else could get me alone.

I feel like a Mammoth surrounded by Vagabonds.

I got a letter from Nelle. She's been thinking about the Aunties. What I should tell them. She's very reasonable. She doesn't really give me any concrete answers. She doesn't tell me it will last forever, or even that she wants it to, but she does say that it's up for negotiation. A possibility. Like we're not negotiating over whether it will last for a long time, but whether it will last forever. I like the way I feel inside when I think of that.

Maybe I've been unfair. Expecting her to tell me what she wants without telling her what I want.

What do I want?