Tell me now how should I feel?

Sometimes I hate blank slates. That state of near infinite possibility, too much to grasp. It happens in ship fits - I can make sensible tweaks to a fit, but often I stare at a blank hull for ages before deciding what to put on it. Sometimes it happens with more theoretical problems, that until I can find a couple of edge pieces and maybe a corner, the jigsaw is too hard.

Ko Braya, chieftainess of the sub-tribe, has called a meeting of the clans for Maa'Tushindor. It's something that happens every few years, and part of how the clans stay in touch beyond messages. It'll be a few weeks of drinking, talking, dancing, feasting and politics.

Especially politics.

The Aunties have asked Matariki and I to go. That's bound to be politics too. I think they want to show off that they have two pod pilots in the clan. Probably they want to show me off, like a prize stud bull at the farm shows. They won't resolve anything there, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are offers in the next year.

I could play the rude oaf, but that would not be doing my duty properly. Anyway, it's unlikely to stop a clan making an offer, they'd just be more likely to send someone who's got "personality issues" of their own.

I still haven't told the Aunties about Nelle. I can guess some of the questions they'll have, and I don't have answers. I told myself I was waiting for the talk with Rocius. But that hasn't really resolved
anything. He makes no demands to fit around.

In some way's we're a blank slate. I can't see a shape of the future to aim for.

I told Nelle about the festival. She ask casually if my Aunties would try to find me a fiancée. Too casually.

People have tried to tell me that it won't work. That eventually the clan will ask me to do my duty. That the longer I put it off, the more I'll hurt Nelle; and myself. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to be alone again.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a solution.

Maybe we will find a solution.