I've been spending some time with Gottii recently. He gets headaches and tells me he shouldn't drink. But sometimes I catch him drinking anyway. Other times he drinks water.
He's functional. He can lead fleets. But when there's nothing to distract him, he has to work hard not to mope.
He thinks Cia dumped him because he got sick, but I don't think he really knows. He's hurting, and he doesn't want to blame Cia, so he's blaming the Amarr. The thing in his head is down to them playing with his genetic line. It makes him feel like a slave again.
He was hurting because Cia wouldn't talk to him, and then she started saying hello occasionally and now he's hurting because of that. He doesn't really know what she's feeling, or what he did, and he doesn't know what to do, and he has nobody to ask, or to explain things to him.
It doesn't feel fair how Cia's treating him. But as I've talked to Gottii, I recognise so many things. I can give him sympathy because I know what it's like.
And it makes me think that maybe what Cia did to me wasn't fair either.
Oh, I raged when I thought that. Briefly. No, it wasn't fair. But then, neither is what happened to her. Neither is what happens to billions of people every day. On that sort of scale, my feelings are not really that big a deal.
Cia's broken. It's not her fault. I hoped she was getting better. But maybe that was all on the surface. Maybe she can't love someone.
No, that's not fair. She loves Camille, or possibly, feels an enormous duty to Camille. And maybe she loves Amieta.
Surprisingly, looking back I started to feel at peace about Cia when she was looking happy with Gottii. I don't know why exactly. Perhaps it became obvious that she was never going to take me back. Perhaps it felt like she didn't need me to help any more.
Now, I have Carinelle; some of the time at least. I should feel lucky. I should let go.
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