Ghosts of the past

More kills this week, interceptors this time, who engaged a blue battleship. They stuck around too long and couldn't get out in time once reinforcements arrived. Once I arrived.

Found a new bar in lowsec; The Silk Scarf. It's in a republic fleet station, so reasonably secure. The beer is cold, at least. It looks like a pilot bar, though it's been quiet recently. I guess with the front lines so many jumps away, most of their pilots are closer to Dal.

Nelle met me there, and we got to talking. Somehow the question of what makes you you came up. I jokingly told her my half-thought-out theory on how I might technically count as an ancestor spirit. Dead, but still hanging around to look out for Atamahara.

That theory would probably work better if I'd ever had children. Most people in my clan would have had at least one, and more usually three or four by my calendar age, but having been "dead" for about four years makes that less meaningful.

Nelle seemed quite put out. To be definite that she is still herself, not dead, not a simulcrum, not a technical ghost. She's still getting back into the swing of things. Back into the decisive ways of thought required of a combat pilot. We analysed her loss and she said that had she gone immediately for the attack she might have got away with it, but changing her mind half way through was the major mistake. It sounds like the sort of thing I might have done.

Before we could argue more significantly, a new EM pilot joined us. Saul Mendoza, from the Lutinari Syndicate. For a corp supposedly aiming to have a tribal focus, Saul is the second Amarrian they've hired. He's leapt into combat, and is apparently quite talented, but I've never talked to him in person before. Nelle asked him why he'd joined Electus Matari, and he proceeded to down several drinks and tell us his life story. At length.

He's a Khanid, and comes from a somewhat privileged background I think. He certainly seemed to have little awareness of the realities of life for people at the bottom. Apparently, he got into trouble with the Khanid or Imperial Navy, and rather than stay with his people and face his punishment, shot his way out and did a runner to the republic. He seemed to expect us to be impressed or grateful that he'd deigned to come and help us out.

He doesn't seem to realise that for some people he's a different kind of ghost. A representative of the hungry ghosts that eat people's souls. I think he'll need to walk softly for a long time before Matari forget that.

Nelle was much more charitable. "Maybe, now that he's told us his story, we'll be able to have a conversation with him next time?"

Ridiculous

Poking around lowsec, checking out belts to see if they had stuff in it that would be worth the trouble of mining, I knew there was a neutral in system, but I hadn't seen him on scan, and I'm still getting used to the locals and their moods.

I destroy a couple of angel frigates, and then start climbing out of the belt to get clearer paths to warp away, and the neutral arrived in my belt in a rifter. He promptly yellow boxes me, and then red-boxes as I'm locking him in return. I'm flying a fleet stabber.

He scrams me and my MWD doesn't work. I web and scram him in return. I turn on my afterburner and keep burning away. I'm expecting that he'll be faster than me, and more maneuverable, but I want to try to reduce the transversal by making him pursue. I release my drones and order them to engage. My shields are dropping and I'm thinking "there are other blues in system, but I don't want to put them to the hassle of having to rescue me from a rifter".

The shield alarms go off, and I think I've run out of time; I have yet to do any damage to him. I start spamming the warp button so I'll get my pod out at least, and then my screens are overloaded by the explosion....

And he's gone. I cancel warp and approach his wreck to loot. His pod warps off before I can lock it.

Then I remember that I'm an armour tanker, and he'd not quite made it through the bubble-wrap around my ship that I call shields. Talk about unnecessary worry.

I did everything I should have, it all worked exactly as I expected. I just didn't really believe that it would until it happened.

That, I think, is the difference between knowing the theory, and knowing the practice.

And I still feel ridiculously pleased for killing a ship I seriously out-classed. I think I'm more pleased because I had a plan and it worked, even if I wasn't sure about that at the time. And I'm embarrassed too much to tell people about it.

So I write.

A year has passed

Not long after the last entry she left again. She's been gone a year. Nursing her mother till death, and meeting the clan of her father. Becoming more Matari, I think.

I quit as alliance leader; with a nice orderly transition process. I might have kept at it had she still been there, but I didn't want to on my own. Got convinced into accepting a directorship in Gradient, managed to talk my way out of getting the CEO position.

Spent the winter alone.

Came to accept that it was over; carried on for a while pretending. Gradually shifted my sleep cycle back to match home.

Spent the summer feeling like I was just grinding; barely undocking. Got older.

Finally went home for a visit longer than a weekend. Spent time with the cousins, got very drunk; woke up still surrounded by people. Hassled by cousins and Aunties. Going to a festival, and meeting the other clans again. People who knew me when I was young, many of whom still see that youth when they look at me.

Decided that I needed to get over myself.

The last few weeks have been good. Setting up another home in lowsec, shooting pirates and Mary. Doing more solo hunting, but with joy instead of loneliness.

Had a two on one fight where I killed one, but got podded.

Woke up feeling that off-balance way I do, and while I was settling my reactions and fitting another ship, I got the news.

She's back.

A new life

Soon. Soon, I'll get to leave this job.

And she's back.

Happy birthday to me...

Twenty six.

A big change from last year. I'm now the EM alliance leader. I'm not in Re-Awakened.

But somethings stay the same. I'm still with Carinelle. I'm still Atamahara. I'm still Matari.

Last year I had a small party, with enough people to have conversations, but not so many that anyone got overwhelmed.

This year was just Carinelle and me. I hired someone to bring in good food. A waiter to serve. Bubbles.

It was nice. We talked. About what it would take to feel grown up, what our plans are. About being rational, and respecting emotions. She still hasn't visited her father's clan. I still don't run enough fleets.

Maybe we'll be grown up next year.

Can I leave behind my naïvity of youth?

War. Meh. It's not a good war. It's pretty dull. The enemy have no assets to attack, and have hired sufficient neutral scouts that they know the status of all the systems around. They don't undock without local superiority, and they dock up quickly if their scouts detect any coordinated response to their undocking. They keep picking off people in ones and twos. We're being stupid, but I guess that our pilots are learning. We've had fewer stupid losses in week two.

Carinelle's been hiding from people again. I think she's still trying to fit in after a couple of months away. Gradient has been hiring new pilots and she might be feeling like she doesn't know everyone again. I'm going to try to get her out socialising again.

Elsebeth got podded. She's been looking a little morose recently. I've tried again to convince her to go to Matar and spend time with her husband. Gradient could survive a couple of weeks without her, and I think she could use a little joy in her life. Perhaps everyone could.

I've felt like I've had to exercise a little authority recently. Asking people to behave; Telling people to pull their heads in; Threatening to have them removed from the alliance.

I don't like it.

But there are things I won't allow to happen to this alliance without trying to stop them.

Been a long time

No writing for a long time. Been too busy, and too distracted, and haven't really felt the need. Carinelle suggested I start again. Something to do to keep my thoughts in order when there's so much I have on that I forget the stuff that's important to me, overwhelmed by the stuff that's important to the alliance.

Carinelle has been away for months in the Federation. Family stuff.

I've become the Alliance Leader for Electus Matari.

Oddly enough, those are connected.

Midnighter got in touch with me after Carinelle had been away for a month and asked if I had any spare time. Because I wasn't expecting Nelle back for a while, I said yes. Encouraged, he promptly nominated me. Most of the other nominees didn't want the job if they had a choice, and I ended up with it.

I'm still slightly surprised, but I think I'm doing an Ok job so far. The self censorship seems to be working.

Auntie Mara looks at me oddly when I visit now, sometimes like she's calculating how I can be of use to her and the clan; sometimes like she might even be proud of me.

I got a strange mail from Morwen. I used to talk to her in the Last Gate before VETO became red to us. She sent me some information about upcoming Sansha attacks, because her alliance isn't getting involved, and she can't fly in highsec any more. She does still have a core that cares about more than killing people and taking their stuff. I miss talking to her. Not enough to visit the Gate though since it wouldn't just be Ulf Atamahara visiting, it would be the EM Alliance Leader.

Eliza joined the alliance. I'm not sure how I feel about that. She's trying hard to show that she's useful, but is doing that by telling everyone. I'm not sure how to tell her that if she talked less and did the same stuff, it would take longer for people to realise she was useful, but it would last longer. She has a history of changing her direction frequently, but she claims that she's stopped that. I won't be convinced until she's been on the same path for a while.

And Carinelle came back last week. Sometimes it feels like she was never away, and things are still wonderful. Sometimes it's slightly awkward, like we're not sure what to talk about. She's distracted by her mother and her maybe clan, and feeling out of practice at flying. She's back, but it feels like not all of her is.

I hope more comes back soon.

Sowing the seeds of Love

It's been a busy time. I managed to get away for four days to Paiho. Mata was there, with Gottii. I think he's paying court. He played with the children, letting some of them win in the rifle shooting, helping in the kitchen.

It's quite common for young men to stay with the clan for a season or two while they're courting. Helping out and getting to know the clan, and letting the clan get to know them. The pattern looks the same, but I'm not sure it fits for a pod pilot.

Gottii and Mata slept in the hall, even though she has her own lodge. it was built by the clan and Jonny. Maybe it's wise not to assume Gottii will take that role before the clan is happy with it.

I asked Carinelle if she wanted to visit, and she said yes. She only had a day and a night at Paiho. I tried to show her what it was like. I introduced her to the clan formally, and the Aunties had tea with her.

Later she said that they were asking about her intentions. Or perhaps what she thought my intentions were. She told them she was getting to know me, that she was wary of the cultural differences, so taking it slowly. But that maybe, maybe she'd be together with me for life.

I grinned like a fool for half an hour after she told me.

Sleeping in the hall was a bit odd for her I think - sharing a room with dozens of other people. I suspect she's had her own room since she was very small. She put up with it well, and Gottii doesn't even snore!

Nelle's on holiday now, visiting her parents in the Federation, on a planet. She's invited me to meet them when they return to the station, to meet her parents and do dinner, then maybe a play, or the ballet.

The Ballet. That can't be worse than walking into a hall full of your boyfriend's clan and being interrogated by his Aunties, can it?

Then you really might know what it's like

What would I do, if I found out my CEO was working for the Amarr. Betraying our people even as they pretended to lead the defence of the Republic.

It's hard to say.

I talked to a woman who said she killed her CEO. She'd been in an impossible situation, and she'd fought to stay alive. And now she can't go home. And the man, and woman, who put her in that situation; she killed them too.

So now STRIX is no more, betrayed from the top, and she's in EM. SoERR take in Federation loyalists who can't stay in the Fed any more.

She said that Gerrard or Arthur, or other SoERR pilots would vouch for her. I asked if they would have vouched for Zagamesh too?

She shrugged and said she wasn't sure. She didn't look like she needed me to believe her, or perhaps she was so hurt that she didn't care if I believed her.

I don't think she is a spy. I think she's someone who needs to find something to believe in again.

Maybe we're it.

It's been one week since you looked at me, threw your arms in the air and said I'm crazy

It's been one week since I joined Gradient. It is both the same and different from what I expected. I'm spending more time with Nelle, which is great, and flying more.

It feels strange being the newcomer; the prospect. But it means I can look at things again, and try to learn them anew. I've started learning industry. Gradient is amongst other things, a very strong industrial corp, and they do it by having everyone do a little bit. So I'm learning my part.

I've been asked a few times why I left ReAw. I've heard a few comments about Re-Aw, but mostly they... We seem to look at them like a slightly disreputable cousin, who we love dearly, but who irritates us from time to time.

I miss Re-Awakened. I feel in some ways like I ran out on them, but in others like I didn't really have a choice.

Gradient feels like a place I can be useful.

Moving on out

I have been a grumpy bastard for a couple of months now. Trying to be reasonable instead of making a quick decision meant stewing in the bile waiting for a chance to fix things.

I should have made it quick the first time.

Strangely, I feel more at peace having made a choice. No more worrying about what can be done. Sometimes nothing can be done, and trying just makes it worse.

I'm enjoying looking forward.

How do we tell apart the time to leave from the time to wait?

Rocius hasn't been around for a long time. Months. He was back this weekend. So it wasn't me trying to help Nelle relax after losing her ship this week.

My thoughts tell me one thing. My heart tells me something else.

There's a lot of that going on at the moment.

My heart wants to stay. But my head says go.

Seasons don't fear the reaper

Sometimes in big battles I get into a sort of Zen state. I keep doing what I do the best I can, and stop worrying about being shot. I get none of the shakes I get in smaller battles. There's nothing I can do to stop it, so I put it out of my mind. I almost relax.

This was quite a big battle. We were trying to protect a control tower in lowsec, and the enemy brought capitals. We brought more capitals, and they brought more capitals and a Nyx. Things got a bit out of hand, and our capital ships retreated into the shields. The Fleet commander said Battleships stay on the field until the carriers are safe.

We were expendable.

I stayed, shooting, until the last carrier was safe. More of the enemy fire was directed to the Princess of Pator, and when the FC said pull back, I was back inside the shields inside of seconds with 10% of my armour left. I saw the alert that Carinelle was being scrambled by the Nyx, and there was nothing I could do to help.

Watching Carinelle's ship go down was hard, so close to the end of the battle. The wreck ended up inside the shields of the Control tower.

Afterwards, I held her for hours, letting her shake. It wasn't her fault, there was nothing she could have done. The ship should have been safe.

But should doesn't make the pain go away, nor bring back the dead.

Double Dates?

Carinelle has invited me to a private get together with Sonja and her new boyfriend. Apparently Sonja's still shy about showing him in public around Electus Matari. I got the impression she's a bit annoyed with Sonja for some reason, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

At least I hope it's Sonja.

Losing something you never really had

Sarakai is dead. She was crew on a ship that was destroyed nearly three months ago. I didn't know.

We'd never really scheduled things, we just met up. We stopped meeting up in the usual places. I was busy; we've had lots of wars. And I started seeing Carinelle.

I'd been wandering the usual haunts recently, wondering if I'd see her again. Maybe in a pause in operations. I was sitting in a Cafe in Rens Bazaar after leaving Carinelle's Hotel room. Feeling pretty happy with the world after a good weekend. Cia was there too, so we started talking. She sounds happier. More relaxed. Her life is still complicated, but she says it's getting better, and when the worst you have to worry about is which cute man you want, life must be pretty good.

I haven't really talked to Cia in a while either, so we talked; about old times, and keeping up with friends. And I asked if she'd seen Sarakai.

Then she told me.

We were never more than friends, but I took a lot of peace from sharing tea with her. She was broken in important ways, but I liked her. I think she liked me too. I took her to visit Paiho, and she showed some of her shooting to the Clan. They welcomed her as a guest, and she laughed with pleasure.

I feel like I failed somehow. Betrayed her by not noticing she was gone.

Like we were never apart

Finally got to catch up with Carinelle. It was ... good. Very good.

She'd just been part of the EM team in the Alliance tournament. Her job was to be annoying enough for the enemy to waste time swatting her. She succeeded, but that meant that she got popped first. Her little ECM frigate, with two friends, meant that the enemy wasted time killing them that our side was using to pop their logistics ship. Everyone did their job. We won.

So it was a mix of joy and pain that she bore when she walked into the SA. A lot of pilots were gathered to watch the match, and there were celebrations all round. She didn't look entirely comfortable though.

I hadn't seen her in a month. A brief embrace wasn't enough. We hung around for a few minutes then made our escape.

Oh, it was so good to hold her; to feel her in my arms. I like the way she relaxes when I hold her.

She asked about the gathering, and told me about her life while I'd been gone.

I told her about Aradian. I wasn't sure how she'd take it, but she looked at me with this amused smile and said she thought it was sweet.

What did I expect? I'm not sure. Did I want more of a reaction? Actually, no. It feels .... nice, reassuring even, that she has enough confidence in me that she doesn't believe Aradian is a threat to her. That maybe what we have is stronger than that. I'm not really in a hurry to try again though.

I told her about Auntie Gytha and she asked what Gytha was like. How much of what I see as Auntie Gytha is really her, and how much is the memories of a child looking up at the laughing woman. Auntie Gytha's had a lot of boyfriends; Auntie Gytha has a wicked sense of humour; Auntie Gytha soothes the broken hearts of teenagers in turns by sympathy and teasing. Auntie Gytha who provided the gift I presented to Carinelle...

I have a feeling Carinelle will enjoy meeting her.

Truth and dare?

I was wrong about Gottii, he's not hitting Mata.

He's just so large that he tears her everytime they fuck. Yet she still wants to do it, go figure. That's why she got the nanites.

I'm not sure I'm happier knowing the truth.

Behind a wall that's made of stone

I've been back a few days now. There were some changes while I was gone. I haven't had a chance to talk to Eva or KJ about things.

Gottii got made a Director. Good for him. I haven't really had a chance to talk with him either. It's like whenever he's around he disappears off with Matariki.

Matariki has got some healing nanites injected. I think Gottii is hitting her. But she seems smitten, and she's an adult. It's depressing though, since I thought she'd never let that happen. I'm a bit disappointed in Gottii really.

Morar appears to be doing recruitment interviews. Things are still tense with Gradient over him as far as I can tell, but nobody is talking about it. I'm not really happy about that. Especially the level of WTF I'm getting when people ask me if I know.

Caellach got paid 50m by Eva for breaking ROE by shooting a Concord officer who later turned out to be a Sansha spy.

Sansha attacks seem to have dropped off. Looks like I missed them completely. I feel slightly guilty for being relieved they haven't attacked Matar.

Ivan got booted from Re-Awakened, but I'm not sure why. Being rude to Eva I think. I saw him in a EM fleet since then, as a Sebiestor Tribe representative, so it's not Alliance wide.

We have a war. They're arrogant and rude, and smack terribly in local when we go past (I mean, of very low quality). I think we're going to keep shooting them until they leave the republic or stop pirating.

Amarrian militia are pushing the Tribal Liberation Front back. The hero of Lantorn is fighting for the Amarr now.

Like fragments of a dream you remember

I've seen Aradian around the camp a bit during the gathering. Always at a distance. Not quite avoiding each other.

She came to visit last night. Matiu let her past without even asking me. She wanted to talk. We smiled at the memories of so many years ago. Then shared an awkward silence while we wondered what to say next.

She's studying electronics design, producing circuits her clan can sell. She spent a couple of years away at university, and is running her own workshop while finishing up.

I told her I was a small cog in a large machine, but that I was proud of some of the things we were doing.

Why didn't you come to visit when you got back from the wars?

I didn't know if you'd want me to, and well, I was a bit broken. A lot broken.

You could have asked...

Could I? I knew she'd had a child with someone else, that should have meant something, shouldn't it? And really, I wasn't safe to be around for a while.

Aradian ended up hugging me somehow, and then we were both on the bed wrapped in each others arms. It's been eight years, but it felt natural to hold her, to whisper in her ear.

I'm not ... available - I'm taken.

I'm not asking for that, just tonight.

At that point it felt like it would have been rude to refuse.

Carinelle said it wouldn't bother her so long as I told her about it afterwards - so why am I so nervous?

And after all my good intentions too.

I should never play poker with an Auntie

I've been putting off that conversation for some time, but Auntie Gytha cornered me the morning after Ko Braya had me for dinner.

I see you've been quite popular with the young ladies Ulf, but it seems none of them has been popular enough with you. Already got someone huh? Or are you saving yourself for one of Chief Braya's nieces?

I suspect I set new records for blushing.

Gytha pried the story out of me, and I tried to argue for why it was a good idea as well as what I wanted. Gytha smiled and let me talk, trying to fill the spaces in the conversation where she was just snickering.

She's always been able to do that, since I can remember. Even once I figured out that's what she was doing.

You always were quick to decide, and slow to change your mind. Let's hope she fancies you as much as you fancy her.


Gytha wants to meet Carinelle sometime, to see what she's like for herself. I wonder what Carinelle will think of her.

Barefoot she dances in the rain

Matariki danced for the clans.

Ko Braya watched.

It's been a long time since I've seen her dance. I used to tease her about it. Do deformed scorpion, it's my favourite but now she moves with a grace and beauty that I envy.

It didn't hurt that she was practically naked. There was a certain section of the audience that was very appreciative.

Now she's been recognised as a teacher of dance. She's young for that.

It made me think; what have I done? What skills do I have that I can pass on to the next generation of the clan?

I shot expert with a pistol once. I can still move quietly through a forest at need. There are better than me at both in the clan though.

Maybe I should work on getting some skills that are more useful for the clan.

The queen and the soldier

I did dinner with Ko Braya tonight. She reminds me of Elsebeth in many ways. I get the same urge to flee to Delve, and I watch everything I say very carefully.

She's trying to read me, I think. To tell which way I'll jump if she tosses something my way. She asked a few questions about Matariki, as well as about Electus Matari.

I owe her truth, but I don't know that I owe her honesty. She doesn't need to know my hopes or dreams. I feel like she'd try to weigh them somehow to see if they'd be exploitable.

Perhaps that's what her role requires of her, and maybe I should be pleased that she's trying to be good at it.

But I'm not sure I'll like her nieces...

What price happiness?

Sansha are attacking hisec planets. Closest has been Lustrevik so far, but no reason to think they couldn't come to Matar. Carinelle sent me a warning in case we hadn't heard.

There are echoes of history all around. The weather has been crap, with dark clouds for days and rain such that the common walk-ways are now mires of mud. I'm getting to wear a lot of the clan wool. The threat of ships from orbit coming to collect slaves makes the weather more symbolic; oppressive.

I told Nelle that it was all in hand, but seriously, an armoured assault force would be very difficult to fight off from the ground. The Republic fleet doesn't like people other than them to be aiming weapons capable of downing assault shuttles, and though most everyone carries a rifle, I'm not sure how useful that would be against a Sansha armoured marine.

But there's only so much you can do without hiding in a cave, and we're not going to do that.

Worse than contemplating helplessness has been being able to help. The people of the gathering mostly know me by sight now. 10,000 people who recognize me and greet me by name, and I know barely a hundred of them outside my clan.

Some have taken to walking alongside me when I'm walking to the tavern or a meeting, and telling me their great idea for how to corner the market in something or other, or produce a new thing that will aid the clans to greatness.

All they need is a little investment capital...

I don't know enough about most pitches to tell if it will work, and they're not my clan. Still, they are my people. I'm looking at one of my cousins to find someone with enough business sense to choose worthwhile projects, and maybe make a payoff, but mostly to be able to send these people to bother someone else.

Worse are the sick people, who are sure that some expensive medical procedure will help them. Worst are the parents who have sick children.

Some people are going to die no matter how much isk you spend. How much is it worth to find out if someone's child is one of them?

Matariki had the right idea at Paiho I think. She built a med-centre, and we both put isk in for medical training scholarships. Perhaps we could do that for other clans in Maa'Tushindor, but that doesn't help today's girl with the aggressive cancer, or boy with the congenital heart defect.

I've put some money aside for transport costs, and made arrangements for people to be able to visit our med-centre. That's probably the best I can do at the moment as far as helping the most people.

The aunties want to see Atamahara gain influence. Putting in med-centres around the lands of other clans would mean that other clans owed us favours, or at least would listen to our clan when the Maa'Tushindor had a decision to make. I think the aunties would be happier if they were the ones deciding where any med-centres went, but they'll take credit regardless.

Hesitations

Gatherings were more fun when I wasn't important. When I was 13 I would spend the day running around with the packs of children from the various clans, begging for sweets, swimming in the river, eyeing the girls from other clans, and being carefree.

Now I have Matiu following me around to remind me when I'm supposed to be doing kaff with someone from another clan. He is older than I am, and I remember treating him with respect and deference, but now he defers to me in public. He makes subtle signs and suggestions, and manages to extract me without offending my hosts when I'm due somewhere else. His job is to help me get through this without making commitments, or offending anyone I shouldn't.

He leers gently when another young woman eyes me across the tavern tent, suggesting I take advantage of the offers while they're still being made without strings. He says the pod-pilot implants are "girl-magnets" and he seems vaguely disappointed that I haven't taken up any offers. I think that he's had several offers himself to try to distract him so someone else could get me alone.

I feel like a Mammoth surrounded by Vagabonds.

I got a letter from Nelle. She's been thinking about the Aunties. What I should tell them. She's very reasonable. She doesn't really give me any concrete answers. She doesn't tell me it will last forever, or even that she wants it to, but she does say that it's up for negotiation. A possibility. Like we're not negotiating over whether it will last for a long time, but whether it will last forever. I like the way I feel inside when I think of that.

Maybe I've been unfair. Expecting her to tell me what she wants without telling her what I want.

What do I want?

Conversations I haven't had yet

• I have a girlfriend, her name is Carinelle - so far so good.


• She's half Sebiestor, half Gallente - That's better than Jonny, right?


• She leads fleets with Electus Matari - Good line, that will definitely help


• She's got another boyfriend, a Brutor who's married to an Amarrian - Maybe not such a good idea to mention at this point?

All that she wants

Fourteen. I've been propositioned fourteen times since the gathering started. More than half by young women still in their teens.

I made the mistake of telling one of them that this clone wasn't fertile. She looked at me, with her hand cupping her chin and said Never mind, I'll get my Aunties to talk to your clan about straws.

Matariki laughed so hard when I asked her what that meant.

When I was seventeen, Aradian and I spent most of the gathering at it like rabbits. I thought I loved her, and that she loved me. I think there was disappointment she didn't end up pregnant.

Not long after that I went off to the Military. Now she has a six year old clan-child, a boy, fathered by someone else.

I've always known children were important, but I think I'd hoped they'd be created with love, not just the hope of a child with pilot's genes.

Maybe, if I be their stud, the Aunties won't try to marry me off?

Tell me now how should I feel?

Sometimes I hate blank slates. That state of near infinite possibility, too much to grasp. It happens in ship fits - I can make sensible tweaks to a fit, but often I stare at a blank hull for ages before deciding what to put on it. Sometimes it happens with more theoretical problems, that until I can find a couple of edge pieces and maybe a corner, the jigsaw is too hard.

Ko Braya, chieftainess of the sub-tribe, has called a meeting of the clans for Maa'Tushindor. It's something that happens every few years, and part of how the clans stay in touch beyond messages. It'll be a few weeks of drinking, talking, dancing, feasting and politics.

Especially politics.

The Aunties have asked Matariki and I to go. That's bound to be politics too. I think they want to show off that they have two pod pilots in the clan. Probably they want to show me off, like a prize stud bull at the farm shows. They won't resolve anything there, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are offers in the next year.

I could play the rude oaf, but that would not be doing my duty properly. Anyway, it's unlikely to stop a clan making an offer, they'd just be more likely to send someone who's got "personality issues" of their own.

I still haven't told the Aunties about Nelle. I can guess some of the questions they'll have, and I don't have answers. I told myself I was waiting for the talk with Rocius. But that hasn't really resolved
anything. He makes no demands to fit around.

In some way's we're a blank slate. I can't see a shape of the future to aim for.

I told Nelle about the festival. She ask casually if my Aunties would try to find me a fiancée. Too casually.

People have tried to tell me that it won't work. That eventually the clan will ask me to do my duty. That the longer I put it off, the more I'll hurt Nelle; and myself. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to be alone again.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a solution.

Maybe we will find a solution.

She's my girl too

After the funeral, I cornered Rocius. We shared a whiskey or three and remembered Debes.

Then we talked about Carinelle.

He seemed a lot more relaxed than I'd expected. He said stepping down as Alliance executor had been a good idea, but that he wasn't really sure what to do with himself. We neither of us knew what to say, but I came away thinking that he's not threatened, nor threatening me over Carinelle. That he thinks it's up to her.

I can live with that.

He did sugest that we both leave some sort of signal when we're staying with Nelle, to avoid embarrassing night time encounters. Apparently, I'm not his type.

He seems as bemused by this as I am.

Who wants to live forever

Debes Sparre died last week. He was drinking alone in a bar in Istodard and passed out, threw up, and drowned in his own vomit.

But it's Ok, cos pod-pilots are immortal, right?

Debes was a crazy bastard. He was extremely skilled, but kept pushing the limits. This meant he got some fantastic kills that I would never even have tried. Also that he got some very stupid losses.

He did that for other people too. Made them try things they wouldn't have tried on their own. Made me try things. Gave us successes. He was the one who convinced me to get in an Oneiros. I don't get on killmails often, but I kept him alive a couple of times.

At the funeral Elsebeth spoke very well. I think he used to infuriate her, but she spoke like he was special to her. Perhaps she feels that way about most of her pilots. Gottii spoke well too, then flew Debes' Vagabond into the sun, with his corpse on board.

He leaves a hole. I hope we can fill it.

Putty in her hands

Cia's lost a crew-member - her psychiatrist, Dr Valhiri Akhel. Dr Akhel went off to Arzad for some reason, and appears to have been captured by persons unknown.

Arzad is currently pretty hot as far as the faction war goes.

Gottii is concerned. He thinks that Cia will have told Dr Akhel all the things that Gottii told her. Or if she didn't, that Dr Akhel will have been able to discern things about Cia from observation that would be very useful to an enemy. That Cia would be putty in the hands of a Mary psy-ops team that had access to Dr Akhel.

For Fuck's Sake. Cia would be putty in the hands of anyone who said the right things, things like "I was wrong, I'm sorry about threatening your sister, I'm trying to change, please help me Cia".

This is not significantly more of a threat than anything else, and anyway, I'm not a director any more. What does he expect me to do?

How well do you know him?

Still no sign of him. I had a thought this morning that cheers me. Maybe he's as nervous as I am?

That challenges my image of him a lot.

But that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Where are you?

I've been keeping a vague look out. Put an alert on when he connects to the pod interface. Looking around to find him.

I don't really want to find him.

But I think I should.

Getting to know her

I saw Elsebeth in the Alliance channel and asked if she was busy. I had resolved to try to drag her out more often, for something other than work.

She was free, and we arranged to meet in Anuko's new bar. Over drinks we circled seeing what we could talk about. She said she'd reached the point where she was comfortable enough with Gradient that if she ran off to Delve it wouldn't all fall apart.

But aren't you already married?

Well, that confused her, so I needed to explain about the jokes CJ, Gottii and I used to tell in Corp channels about running away and hiding in Delve whenever Matariki and Elsebeth met, since we were sure they were organising arranged marriages.

Then we talked about marriage. She mentioned I was eligible and asked if there had been offers. I told her. I asked her what marriage was like...

I think we're both relaxing a little in each others company.

I got her to laugh. Not entirely intentionally. She cornered me into promising to take her out for drinks again sometime.

I don't think that will be a huge hardship.

Vicarious successes

I'm beginning to see what Debes likes about Logistics ships. He was running a BC/HAC gang chasing pirates. We got into a stand-up fight just off a station. We killed 8 battleships, 4 Battlecruisers and a couple of cruisers, while fighting under station guns. During the third engagement with the same group of pirates, they dropped a carrier on us. We de-aggressed, maintaining a remote-rep web, and then docked.

We lost nothing.

The difference was that some of the BC were fit with remote reps, and I was there in an Oneiros.

There's no way we could have done that without the Oneiros. We'd have lost multiple ships. Thousands of people.

I think that's worth the effort.

Cause you're known by the company you keep

We're at war. We declared war on an alliance that was red to us for piracy. One corp had attacked an EM moon control tower, repeatedly.

One of the other corporations in the alliance came to us to ask why. They were polite and friendly. And they appear to be NRDS anti-pirates in the Federation.

Why, we asked, were they in the same alliance as the pirates?

Ancient history. Friendships. They weren't happy about what they did, but it was difficult to do anything about it. At least, not without being rude.

We've been very civil to them, and them to us. But we still shoot them when we see them.

In other times, we would be their friends. We would support them. But because of who their friends are, we can't.

Caellach is a recent recruit in ReAwakened. His girlfriend, Shae, is a pirate. I think she was in Hellcats, and recently joined Veto, who, as long as they stay out of the republic, are not red to us. Gottii invited her to his voluval ceremony.

Eva was with Davlos when he was pirating. Matariki with Jonny when he was red to us.

It feels like we have been walking a similar line to the poor corp that we're currently shooting. Just, unofficially.

Perhaps we should have more sympathy, or perhaps we should have more integrity.

You realize that sometime, you gotta make up your mind.

Elsebeth asked me once whether I would betray a friend for the cause. For the Republic.

I said no.

At CJ's initiation into her new tribe, there was a series of fights, where they beat the shit out of her. The last fight was against Gottii. CJ couldn't defend herself, and Gottii kept hitting her, trying to hit her hard enough to appease the judges, and not so hard as to kill her. They knew. That he was pulling his punches. So they made him hit her again. And again.

It was their clan's way of asking Gottii - "Would you beat a friend because the clan told you to?"

Gottii said yes.

It's only words, and words are all I have....

I started writing because I was trying to get things straight in my head. But sometimes, the act of writing thing down crystalises them. Makes them Real rather than Potential.

It's been a month of bad potentials.

I'm no longer a director, nor a recruiter. I chose to leave those positions.

But there are things I want to crystalise. I just want to avoid thinking about some things while thinking about others.

It's more difficult than I thought.

Life's what you make it.

Elsebeth Rhiannon has no life. She told me it was because she was too busy.

So I told her, like the aunties told me, that after the war there has to be something worth while to come home to.

I have a home, but increasingly it feels like I am unfit for that civilized company

She's like me; like I was.

You can be again, if you want. I know.

I know. I've been lost worse than she is; well, worse than I think she is. I came back; with help.

Maybe if the war is over one day.

Even if the war isn't over, there is still time to be human.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family.

Morar Santee has been accepted into Re-Awakened.

Völuvala

Bouncing feet. Bouncing bodies. Internal organs vibrating in time to the bass.

Regrets and worries, washed away. Like the makeup in your sweat.

We have been here before, but now the roles are reversed. It is not I that needs the mindlessness of the dance. Not this time.

Every day my confusion grows

Flashes of meaning. The weekend was full. Nelle leaving for Eldulf, Sonja getting wasted in the Last Gate, people teasing me about Nelle; People shooting at me. People crying on my shoulder.

But the moment that I think about most was when Anuko pointed at me in the last gate and demanded of Eva the chance to talk to me.

So of course, Eva, My Boss, says No, I will protect him. Did she what? She smiled, gave me a bottle of vodka and said He's all yours

Anuko dragged me off to a booth and glared at me across the table.

Listen you ... I know what you're doing to my friend... Nelle, She's like my big sister, you hear?

It went downhill from there. She said I hurt people, and she wouldn't let me hurt Nelle. What did I do to her? I was nice, and I wouldn't lie to her. She didn't want to hear. I told her I wasn't going to hurt Nelle.

Then I believe we have an agreement

No. We don't

Now it was her turn to look confused. I will not be threatened into doing the things I was going to do anyway. Not again. I will not let people think I'm scared of them when I'm not.

I'm not going to hurt Nelle because I care about her. I don't care whether you threaten me about it, it doesn't make a difference... She's special. I think she's the first woman I've properly loved. I might make mistakes, but I'll try to make them up. I don't want to hurt her!

Anuko looked at me like she might even believe me.

I'll keep you to that

And she stormed off.

If you close your eyes it may go away; nothing too serious.

I've been spending some time with Gottii recently. He gets headaches and tells me he shouldn't drink. But sometimes I catch him drinking anyway. Other times he drinks water.

He's functional. He can lead fleets. But when there's nothing to distract him, he has to work hard not to mope.

He thinks Cia dumped him because he got sick, but I don't think he really knows. He's hurting, and he doesn't want to blame Cia, so he's blaming the Amarr. The thing in his head is down to them playing with his genetic line. It makes him feel like a slave again.

He was hurting because Cia wouldn't talk to him, and then she started saying hello occasionally and now he's hurting because of that. He doesn't really know what she's feeling, or what he did, and he doesn't know what to do, and he has nobody to ask, or to explain things to him.

It doesn't feel fair how Cia's treating him. But as I've talked to Gottii, I recognise so many things. I can give him sympathy because I know what it's like.

And it makes me think that maybe what Cia did to me wasn't fair either.

Oh, I raged when I thought that. Briefly. No, it wasn't fair. But then, neither is what happened to her. Neither is what happens to billions of people every day. On that sort of scale, my feelings are not really that big a deal.

Cia's broken. It's not her fault. I hoped she was getting better. But maybe that was all on the surface. Maybe she can't love someone.

No, that's not fair. She loves Camille, or possibly, feels an enormous duty to Camille. And maybe she loves Amieta.

Surprisingly, looking back I started to feel at peace about Cia when she was looking happy with Gottii. I don't know why exactly. Perhaps it became obvious that she was never going to take me back. Perhaps it felt like she didn't need me to help any more.

Now, I have Carinelle; some of the time at least. I should feel lucky. I should let go.

No one loves you when you're evil

Morar left Gradient with things unresolved. Refusing to back down or apologise to them. Then he tracked down Cia and apologised to her.

Cia wants to recruit him into Re-Awakened. She doesn't want him turning into another Vikarion.

I have been filled with doubt. I think it could all go badly wrong. Cia wants it so badly though.

I asked Nelle, what would she think if he joined Re-Aw.

She seemed dubious, but she also believes that people need second chances. That It would be good for him to stay in EM, but he'd be doubted by Gradient. If he could get over that doubt; prove himself again, he'd be worth keeping. Worth saving.

Gottii has been down a little recently, ever since Cia dumped him. But he found time to corner me and ask me about Morar.

Gottii wants Morar back in the alliance. He says Morar deserves a second chance. And then he told me why.

Gottii was a slave, and when he stopped being a slave to Mary, he became a drug addict. One day his dealer pointed out he was still a slave so Gottii killed him. Sentenced to a Penal battalion, he spent more than a decade fighting, until he was scanned and pronounced a good candidate to be a pod-pilot. And now he's here. Free.

He needs to believe that Morar can be saved. That Morar deserves the chance to be saved.

Gottii's a friend. But he was once a junkie, a criminal and a murderer.

Is Morar really worse than that?

If you love someone

I wondered if Nelle was upset with me. She made herself very vulnerable to say what she did. I didn't really respond properly.

What does she mean? What does it mean when she says that? How do you decide that it's true? What if you're wrong?

I didn't want to say it and be wrong. Neither lying, nor mistaken.

I spent the day thinking about it. Flying around in a daze. Barely paying attention.

Carinelle called me, she was moving minerals in lowsec and I invited her to drop round when she finished.

We had dinner in my kitchen - We talked about a bunch of stuff. Morar, Siohban, Feinlyn, the rigidity of the Gradient command structure. Meklon.

The day she needed someone, and I was there. She called me her personal sun, that recharges her. She makes me burn brighter when she's around.

So I told her; I might be falling in love too.

A torrent of words fell out of me; trying to say what I was feeling and just getting confused. Through it all she had this silly grin on her face.

She told me that she has difficulty saying it. That it normally takes ages for her to get the courage to say it in a relationship. That it just slipped out; easily; naturally. That it felt good to say it aloud.

I haven't said it to anyone since I was 17. I was wrong then.

I don't want to be wrong this time.

She told me that we'll just have to take the risk, and she hugged me. I whispered in her ear

I love you

she whispered back

I love you too

She's usually so confident, but she stood there looking shy. Like she wasn't sure what should come next.

Without asking; without worrying if she'd disapprove; I picked her up. Carried her upstairs in my arms. She smiled for every step.

Who loves who the most?

Nelle is back from Eldulf. We met at the SA and said hello to the various pilots passing through, then made our excuses.

Nelle took me back to her place. To be alone. I got to hold her in my arms again. It's been less than a week and my arms miss her.

I asked after Cierelle, Rocius and the twins. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but they're important to Nelle. She thinks Rocius is curious about how we're doing, but won't ask.

Then she said she might be falling in love with me.

I didn't really process it. She said it quietly and I was in the middle of saying something else...

I've been avoiding calling her. I check my mail all the time to see if she's replied. I don't want to be a stalker. I told her that and she laughed and said she'd been avoiding calling me for the same reason.

We're both a bit hopeless.

I asked her about Else. Whether Else liked her. Nelle thinks Elsebeth doesn't approve of relationships that won't lead to marriage or something; that a proper clan background was important; that maybe Elsebeth thinks I'm wasting my time seeing Carinelle.

I asked what she thought.

She rushed a sentence out about marriage, about how maybe she wouldn't be bringing an important clan to Atamahara, but if she married me, I wouldn't have to leave, and they'd get another wealthy pilot, even if she was Gallentean.

I felt like someone had hit me in the forehead with a mallet. But it's not just us.

What about Rocius. Where does Desher fit in.

She doesn't know. Neither of us does. But she said that if this is going to last, she wants to do the right thing for all parties involved.

We both tell ourselves that it's too soon. And yet we're both thinking about it.

Somehow the subject of changing people came up. Nelle doesn't think you should try to change people; either it's a small irritation, which you should put up with, or it's a large irritation and you probably can't change it.

So I told her that people could change; how I'd changed; how the demons got out, and how they got caged again.

About how much I owe my Aunties; why I don't like doing things without being sure they're wanted.

Nelle kissed my tears away and told me it was alright. Then she took me to bed and held me in her arms for a long time, feeling closer than I've felt to anyone before. And slowly, very gently, she showed me I was wanted.

Aunties in training

I went to Lenfa's with Matariki to meet Elsebeth Rhiannon. I've never really talked to Else before in a non-official capacity. She's slightly intimidating. Carinelle says Else is up tight. I think me being there changed the tone of the conversation from how it would normally be when Else and Mata are talking. It was slightly stilted to start. We talked about stuff; about clans and feeling frustrated when people from outside the republic treat being in a clan as quaint.

We talked about growing up and taking on responsibility. Elsebeth revealed she was a young terror when she was 20, but became responsible since. Mata said she felt too young to be an Auntie, but I told her people do look at her that way sometimes.

We talked about anarchists, and philosophy. Mata seemed pleased with the way I've been challenging Bacchanalian, though she's not sure teaching them to think coherently is a good idea.

I told them how I felt more convinced of EM philosophy after Bacchanalian challenged me to justify it. That thinking of the reasons why it was good reminded me how good it was. Elsebeth and Matariki maneuvered me into running a class on EM philosophy at some stage. It's quite a challenging idea.

By the time we'd finished, it was feeling like we were almost relaxed enough to not watch everything we said in front of each other.

I'm not sure that Elsebeth approves of Carinelle though. She said something about people who are more interested in their own pleasure than duty. I'm not sure she was talking about Carinelle, but it seemed that way. My paranoia tells me that it disappoints her that Carinelle brings me joy.

Am I imagining things?

We had some good machines, but they don't work no more

Matariki and Jonny have broken up. I guess him asking her to marry him was him realising that it was falling apart and trying to do something, anything to save it.

Mata sounds like she's been crying a lot. She doesn't want to talk about it though. Not yet.

Maybe it's better when the Aunties organise things. You're probably not thinking straight when you're in the middle of feeling.

Very little fruit is forbidden

Nelle had a business meeting, talking to some mineral suppliers. It seemed to involve a lot of drinking.

She called me after she was done, and invited me over. We sat on the couch for a while with her curled up in my arms talking. I asked her if we were officially "together" now, and she smiled and said yes, she thought so.

We talked a lot. She seems very happy when she's with me. I wanted to know what the rules were. If some cute young thing tries to drag me home, is that a problem? Not that that's very likely, but I wanted to know.

She said it wasn't a problem unless I'd already said I was going to be with her that night. Then she looked slyly at me and said Unless you wanted to try a threesome.

I must have looked surprised, because she laughed at me.

I thought about it seriously, and I told her I didn't want to, because it would feel like I wouldn't be paying either of them as much attention as they deserved. I must have said something right, because she looked at me like I'd just given her something precious.

She said something about Sonja being right. And she held me like she didn't want me to get away.

Luckily, I wasn't trying to.

Shine like thunder, cry like rain

Work is less fun than it could be. I've fired a bunch of people for non-performance, and interviewed a couple more that I don't think we can use. Spys have made me more paranoid.

But if I'm too paranoid, we won't hire anyone.

Went to the BIONE party, saw Nelle, and she took me home with her. She has been approached by someone who wants her to be his top. He wants to worship at her feet. I'm not sure what that means. She doesn't sound like she wants him, but that she wants to help him. It's strange. I'm not sure how I should feel about it. She's taking on strays who need help. Is that what she did with me?

I don't think so. I think I've helped her as much as she's helped me. Sometimes she just wants to be held. Sometimes she wants more. I think I've delivered.

Gottii and Ciarente have broken up. I think they got too close or something and she panicked. It seems very familiar. Gottii doesn't want to talk about it, and I don't think Cia does either. I'm trying to be there for them. Cia told me his first name is Jacob. I never knew that. Later he told me that he doesn't like the name, since it was given to him by the Amarr. So I'm back to calling him Gottii.

He invited a bunch of people to his Lodge on Matar. I asked Nelle to come too, and she showed up late. Cia showed up late too, bringing a cake for my birthday. It was... odd. Suddenly there was more tension once Cia arrived, and when Nelle got there it felt awkward. I hope she didn't think they were tense about her. We talked about clans a bit. About how sometimes raising a child in a clan gives you more options. Cia smiled when we talked about how Silver and Ami were being Aunties for Camile. That they were helping raise Camille like a clan would. I think Cia liked that idea.

Mata was feeling sick or something and she went to bed early. Gottii and Cia retired soon as well, to different rooms... Nelle and I shared a bed, and she snuck off early in the morning.

Later, Gottii hassled me in a friendly way about the number of beds that had been slept in. I haven't really been hiding it, but he seemed to think it was good for me. He called me though because he was worried about Eva and KJ. They're happy now, but with one of them the CEO and the other the Alliance Executor, what will happen if they split up? Gottii's not really worried about Eva. But KJ took Sythra's leaving hard. Will he cope if it happens again? Gottii looked slightly haunted when he said that.

I will not tell them they can't try to be happy. They deserve the chance. I hope it works.

Just like I hope Mata is feeling better soon.

At the going down of the sun

His name was Joach of Tindar.

It cuts your life, like a broken knife

Someone finally explained to me what happened in the Shackled Amarr.

Meklon and BT entered, Meklon roughed up the bartender, and BT in his Blooder armour threatened Veranon. When Gradient security personel drew their weapons and commanded them to stop, Meklon drew knives and charged. They fired warning shots. Then they fired to hit. Meklon got a weapon off one of them and shot one of the guards.

That guard died.

Meklon was wounded.

There are pilots saying that BT didn't do anything really wrong. That Meklon was only acting in self defence after they shot first, so that's not a big deal.

The unspoken premiss is that the dead guard; not a pod pilot; that his life didn't really matter.

I have heard claims that pilots have to think that way. That they would go mad if they didn't disregard the suffering they inflict when they destroy a ship, or the suffering endured by their crews when they lose one.

I don't agree.

I have taken on a duty. I do that duty as best I can until I lay it down.

Sometimes the price of that duty is in lives. I do my best not to engage innocents. and to make sure it is my crew that makes it home in one piece.

But I do not pretend that there is no price.

That guard, the one who died, was doing his duty. Putting his life on the line to defend others, no different than I and other EM pilots do when we fly anti-pirate patrol.

I think he waited too long. He should not have fired a warning shot at a man with a knife. He should have shot to kill. But we have lead our crews to think that we are the good guys. We don't shoot first, especially not blues. We don't shoot indiscriminately. Sometimes the price of that forebearance is also in lives.

When I find out his name, I will remember it.

Life during wartime

Gottii didn't die. They stabilised him and clone jumped him out. New Clone. Younger look. He looks older though. More serious. Maybe a reminder that immortality doesn't mean that you can't die can make you more serious.

I tracked down an anomaly in our mining system for the miners. I can be useful without having to learn to mine.

Some guy tried to bounce me in a mission in Lustrevik. Twice. The second time I popped him. He showed up later in a typhoon wanting a kill. But I laughed and docked.

Another guy tried to aggress Ciarente, and a bunch of us landed on him. Got point and rounds on target but he extended and got away in low armour.

They're getting more aggressive, trying to taunt people into engaging. We can play that game too.

Matariki saw Jonny. Spent most of the day somewhere in Placid talking. She seems subdued, but when I asked said that they were continuing. That maybe they'd sorted some stuff out that needed to be sorted.

I talked with Bacchanalian - he tried to turn the tables and interrogate me about what EM wants. To figure out a way that we're the bad guys. I think I got our purpose across, and he admitted we're better than CVA, but that's hardly a good starting point, since he's shooting at CVA.

Bacchanalian blew up an EM pilot recently. Altaen. killed his Rupture, and then his pod. Bacch asked if we thought Altaen would want his corpse back.

It's such an odd question. I've been killed ... oh, half a dozen times. I have no idea where the remains are. What happened to them.

If I could, would I want them back? How strange would it be looking at the vacuum frozen face of your own corpse.

Matariki's laughing at a tabloid article about me. I have a new corp title "Relationship counsellor". Maybe that explains why Veranon called me. Siohban insulted someone in Gradient and was told she wasn't welcome. She's going back to Caldari space, and asked Veranon to come with her. To be with her. He kissed her goodbye and wished her a safe trip.

Then he called me to ask for advice. He's still worried about her, but he can't go back to the State.

I don't know what she was trying to do. She was so good at manipulating people, and then seems to have botched a couple of things really badly.

Nelle's back in Providence. Planning and scouting for a patrol she's going to lead. I still think it's a stupid campaign, and I don't need to go to nullsec again; but I want to be there; flying with her.

Her favourite colour is red.

The first of a million kisses?

Carinelle and I had another date. We were going to go out, but she was tired. It's been a hard week for her.

So I cooked her dinner, and didn't burn it. She sat and sipped a beer and watched me, and we talked. We talked about all sorts of things. She asked about Morar, and I told her about Vikarion.

We talked about Anuko. We talked about BT. We talked about Gina. Nelle thinks Gina's her sister, or maybe half-sister. A slave of an Amarrian pilot called Grrr.

We talked about relationships I know I can't keep you forever. You need a proper Sebiestor wife that gives you children someday.

My Aunties want there to be children. I don't have to be married for that.

I explained clan politics a bit. How Atamahara is matrilocal, that as a pilot, I'm an asset of value, and how if I get married it will probably be for political reasons. Maybe they'd prefer me not to get married.

So, what was that you were going to say about keeping me forever?

Well I might be tempted, ... if it turns out this ain't just a temporary crush.

I'm... I'm not running away from the idea.

And I'm not. It's a blur, a thrill. It's warm and comfortable, and a little bit scary. And I feel at peace when she's in my arms.

But she doesn't really know me. Nor I her.

So, what's your favourite colour? ...

It's a nice day to start again

Well, the Morar Shitstorm hit. Seems like some people don't want him to join ReAwakened, and I don't really blame them. Arkady let me know some more information, and I'm less and less comfortable about it all.

Cia still wants it though, and I can't really bring myself to deny her. If it goes wrong, I hope it doesn't do too much damage.

Jonny asked Mata to marry him. She's conflicted. Jonny doesn't really want to be part of the clan, and so she doesn't really know what would be different from what she has now. So many of the marriages we see around fail so quickly that it doesn't seem to be any sort of guarantee of a longer lasting relationship, at least not for pod-pilots.

Maybe it's something he wants because he can see her drifting away and he's trying to hold on? He doesn't seem spend as much time with her any more. Maia is born, and that tie has become less to Mata than it was, since she gave Maia to the clan.

He's invited her away to Placid for a surprise. She's nervous.

What will Jonny do if she says no?

Persistance is a virtue

Bacchanalian has decided he wants to sleep with Matariki. She keeps turning him down.

Bacch says his plan is to wear Matariki down, like drips of water on a stone. He says that in a thousand years or so, she'll say yes.

Gottii, playing with the VR in LM 2.0, changed Bacch's avatar to a dripping tap.

Then he started calling him the Millenium Faucet. When he told me, I laughed. Matariki laughed harder.

Ah, Gottii. I'm going to miss him.

It touches and it teases as you stumble in the debris

Nelle called this morning. Just to catch up. We talked a bit about the Meklon debacle, and we made plans for Friday night.

She's going to kick me around some at the gym, and then come back to my place.

I'm going to try to cook something. That could be terrible.

We stared at each other for five minutes, knowing we should end the call, but neither of us wanting to be the one who did. Grinning like fools or silly teenagers.

Finally I did it. I'm looking forward to Friday.

Hey man, you shouldn't do that. Don't you know you'll stain the carpet?

Some of the Gradient pilots are crazy. Veranon Kerger is now sleeping with Siohban, and called me for advice once Meklon found out. I told him to stay out of Meklon's way for a week or two; let him calm down a bit.

But no, Veranon had to take Siohban to the SA for a drink. Is he stupid? Meklon and BT showed up. BT clubbed him, which apparently was about all that stopped Meklon shooting him. Meklon shot at some people and someone shot him. Meklon did a runner, bleeding a lot. A runner straight to Eva's place. He bled all over her apartment and then left before she found him.

Veranon was stupid. And really, if Siohban wanted to end it with Meklon, he should have waited until Siohban had before climbing into bed with her. Thinking with something other than his brain I guess. Unless he has other motives and is being clever.

Or is it Siohban? Is she using Veranon to some other end?

And Meklon, what was he thinking? He's currently blue to us. Does he think he can shoot at our pilots or security staff and not pay a price?

And BT; Simeon. Carinelle likes him; has a history with him. She makes excuses. Says that if he hadn't hit Veranon, Meklon would have killed Veranon. BT is oathsworn to Meklon, and can't raise a hand to him. That's stupid too. But really, wearing Blood Raider armour to the SA to beat someone up? Way to send a message.

BT was put in the brig. Then he escaped, and came back again.

Everytime I get exposed to the intrigue and politics in Gradient, I like Re-Awakened more.

When duty calls

I told Matariki. She noted it was complicated, but thought I looked happy.

I am happy.

I talked about maybe showing Carinelle Paiho.

She asked me what I thought the clan would think. Would it interfere with the clan trying to marry me off?

It's not like there's been a line of people asking after me.

Oh, didn't you know? The Cuthill clan put an offer in for you last year. They want an alliance, and having a rich influential pod-pilot in their clan would be good too.

What? Nobody mentioned it to me!

Of course not, it wasn't a good enough offer.

Carinelle and I. It's complicated isn't it. I'm the bit on the side. Entertainment. She feels for me I think, but it's not something I can seriously claim is likely to produce children, or an alliance with another clan.

The Cuthill clan. I can't even remember where their lands are without looking it up. I would have had to move there, at least for a while. Get to know the clan; father at least one child; and use my influence for them outside the clan. They would have some claim on my isk, but then Atamahara does that now. No wonder the offer wasn't good enough. They probably still don't know exactly how much a pod pilot can make.

I wonder if I've even met the woman they wanted to marry me to?

Some clans, they have the woman go to the clans they marry in to. Atamahara sends the men away. It's alright for Matariki, even if she gets married, Paiho will still be her home.

I should have known this would happen some day, but I feel strangely disturbed by it. What if the next offer is better? What if the Aunties say yes? Would I have to give up Carinelle?

Complications

She invited me to breakfast, to the Shackled Amarr. It started so nicely, holding hands across a table.

She looked nervous for a bit, then asked me to promise her that, if I was unhappy; if she hurt me; I would talk to her. Give her a chance to sort it out. She's Gallente. I'm Matari. We're different. There will be mistakes; pain. But if we try, maybe we can work past that. Keep finding joy.

So I asked her how it worked. What the rules were.

I know she and Rocius are still together, and that he knows about me and Carinelle. Well, will know. What did she want from me? Not that there's been a line of women asking to drag me home, but if there was?

I'm still confused at her answer. She told me how her and Roc work, but said that she'd be happy to be exclusive to the two of us. And that she's not so wedded to her freedom that if she was with someone who wanted her all to themselves she wouldn't consider it.

She asked me again to promise to tell her if she hurt me, or if I was unhappy.

So I promised.

Then some Gradient pilots started coming in after their shift, with them came Meklon and Siohban. After a few minutes only Meklon And Siohban remained.

Siohban apparently knows BT, and Carinelle and BT had had an argument, and Siohban was trying to get Nelle to talk to BT, to sort things out.

Siohban is a member of the Caldari militia. They're technically at war with the Republic. Yet here she was, docked at a station in Pator!

I suggested that maybe this wasn't the best place for her. That she couldn't fight against the Republic for her day job, and come here for entertainment. That choices have consequences.

Meklon tried to come over all tough. The little threats that aren't quite enough to justify any response, perhaps leading to escalation and a fight. So I skipped all the escalation shit, and shot him in the face.

No, I didn't. But I thought about it.

Instead I told him to fuck off, and left. Meklon blustering at my back.

BT walked in as I got to the door and asked if there was a problem, looking at me in a way that suggested that he'd be happy to pummel me if there was.

I had to choose. Look hard or look down. I was tired of backing down so I said I didn't have a problem, did he? I just waited, passively, for him to decide if he wanted to push it. Before anything could happen though, Siohban ran over and wrapped her arms around him.

I left.

Carinelle caught up to me outside. She asked if I had caused a scene because of her? No. Meklon could annoy me all on his own without me thinking about his affect on her.

Siohban is not a simple case. I want to dislike her, but she's basically nice. Just on the other side. Carinelle feels the same. It would be easier if she was just the enemy.

Meklon however, I could dislike with hardly any work at all.

While we were talking, my datapad told me I had mail from Siohban - asking me to come back, and bring Nelle with me. Please. Nelle got one too. Then I got another telling me she'd made Meklon promise to be polite.

I told her I just didn't want to deal with him. Then she apologised, although I'm not sure why.

Nelle owed it to BT to try to talk to him again, even if only to organise a time to have a private talk.

I went off to work.

An hour later she called me sounding stressed. She wanted a drink somewhere that wasn't the SA. I suggested my place, and climbed into my stilleto to rush back as fast as I could.

She needed a hug. The talk with BT hadn't gone well. I listened as she told me about BT; Simeon; and it came to me that she doesn't see the scars on people's hearts. Maybe if she waits till the latest scar on Simeon's heart wasn't put there by her, she'll have more luck talking with him. He used to be with her, and she broke him. That's why she wants me to tell her if she hurts me.

I held her while she squeezed out all the pain and stress.

I asked her if she wanted a drink now, and she said she didn't need it. I had driven away her bad mood. She laughed and said that BT wad getting a much easier time of it with Nelle because I kept cheering her up.

And then, because she was cheerful, she asked me if she could keep me away from work for just a little while longer...

For today, I remember your smile

Today I'm older. Officially. More responsible perhaps? Last night I took Carinelle out to dinner. It went well. Really well.

She is interesting to talk to; She asks interesting questions; she answers my questions in interesting ways; and she looked really nice in her dress.

Whenever I started to get nervous, she had just the right way of reassuring me; yet it wasn't all one way. We're supporting each other. She's had a lot of stress recently, and I think I help with that.

The food was great. The atmosphere very cosy. The conversation was at times light and at other times serious. Important. It feels like we are getting to know each other at different levels; both surface and deeper.

I told her about Paiho. About my Clan, about growing up. She might be interested in visiting Paiho sometime, although she's a bit wary of the Aunties.

She told me about life as a station brat, about moving around all the time and not making many friends.

She has become harder since she became a pilot. I've become softer. We are not so different now.

I invited her back to my place. Offered her a place to stay just as a friend, or as a see what happens sort of thing. She smiled and chose the latter option.

I took her home. Wasn't really sure what to do next, so I put some music on; opened some champagne. She asked me to dance. It was sweet. Sexy. Right.

Then she asked me to carry her upstairs...

Afterward, she poked at my tattoos, and asked about their meanings. We talked about the wolf-jaw mark, and wondered what voluval mark she might get if she did it.

We talked about tomorrow. About how if it went well, we might try again the day after, and if that worked, the day after...

We fell asleep tangled in each others arms, and woke up the same way. My heart feels lightened somehow by that. I know that she's not mine. That this won't last longer than it is fun for both of us. But it is fun for both of us. At least for today.

And for today, that's enough.

And I held her in my arms

I went to the Shackled Amarr for breakfast today. Carinelle showed up. Confirmed plans for dinner. She was a bit upset about some of her Gradient wingmates and Siohban. She said she needed a hug from a friend. I held her tight willing her to feel my support.

I told her that, if she needed me to be just a friend, then I could do that.

Carinelle told me that she wanted me to be at least a friend.

She kissed me.

I'm having difficulty paying attention to my work today.

Us and them

I've been talking to a young pilot called Siohban in the EM public channels. She's very young. Naïve. I tried to convince her to leave her master and move to the republic. To be free. She's a pilot, they're hard to cage. But she likes it. Feels like she owes service or something.

Carinelle and I met her in person at the Last Gate. She came on the arm of Meklon, who used to be an executor of EM and Eva's husband. Meklon and Siohban seemed pretty smitten.

Carinelle had been pretty close to making a friend of Siohban, partly because she remembers Meklon fondly. Then she found out Siohban had joined a Corp in the Caldari militia, raiding Federation space; shooting at Carinelle's people. She feels a little betrayed. When she mentioned that to some in Gradient, they didn't give her quite as much sympathy as she expected.

I've had pleasant enough chats with people who were red to me, though often a little tense, and usually in a neutral venue.

Siohban seems to want to be our friend, and our enemy at the same time. I don't think life works like that.

You're the reason I'm leaving

I dropped in on the Shackled Amarr on the chance Carinelle would be there. She wasn't but there was a new Gradient pilot I hadn't met. Before I could go and introduce myself Anuko walked in.

She looked sober, which was good; but she looked nervous. Scared. She wouldn't get too close to me.

I asked if I could buy her a drink, not the smartest move in the cluster on reflection, but she said no, I couldn't. I don't know if this means she isn't drinking anymore or just that she isn't accepting drinks from me.

She introduced me to the new Gradieng pilot. Veranon Kerger, a Caldari who doesn't like the Amarr much.

He picked up quite quickly that there was something up between me and Anuko. He was trying to get us to talk about it and clear the air.

He's been in Gradient less than a month and he wants to fix things he doesn't understand. Shit, he wants to fix things I don't understand.

Anuko went to the bar and gulped a large glass of something to wash down a pill. Then she came back to the table looking calm. Drugged. Mr Kerger tried again to get us to explain; talk about it; sort things out.

I wasn't about to discuss my personal issues with Anuko in front of someone I met 10 minutes beforehand. Especially if she wasn't happy about it.

She said in a flat voice that we should continue. She didn't care. I said I preferred her company not dulled by drugs or booze.

She said she was drinking water, and the pills were prescribed; that I was flattering myself to think it had anything to do with me.

Regardless of how calm she looked, there was something wrong there. I don't think I broke Anuko. I think she was broken before I met her. But now I can't even be near her without making it worse. So I left.

I hope she finds happiness one day. But I can't help her find it.

I'm so happy for you, I could cry

Did an anti-pirate patrol with Gottii and Challis. Managed to get a pirate Taranis into half armour before he jumped and ran away. The rest of lowsec was pretty empty, except for a Thanatos, which we weren't going to tangle with. I like flying with Gottii, and three Vagabonds all temporarily flying with the same name was sort of funny.

Afterwards, Gottii and I met at the Shackled Amarr. Cia was there too, and K'han.

It was pretty obvious Gottii and Cia were " together"; at least for the moment. Cia is looking happy. I asked if Gottii was the reason and she said yes, she supposed it was.

Ah, Gottii. I think he's a nice guy and I have no right to be sad about it; and I can't really be angry. They both looked happy. I hope it works out.

After a few minutes, they started whispering in each others ears and looking so happy; joyous.

I mean, I can try to be happy for them, but I'm not sure I can watch at the moment. I had to leave.

Is that so unreasonable?

Beside you while you sleep

There's a pleasure that I get from watching people sleep. Especially women *. There's a relaxation in their face that makes them more beautiful, and a peace that comes from the rhythm of their breathing.

It's been a long time since I felt that. Cia never stayed; never let me see her completely relaxed.

Carinelle did. She was sad and lonely, and tired. And I asked her to stay. Well, offered to let her have the bed while I slept on the couch. But she argued for a bit, and we ended up sharing the bed. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, and I got to enjoy watching her breathe.

I fell asleep next to her. That's not something I've done often before, and I woke up with her snuggled up tight against me; warm and soft; looking young and beautiful with her makeup off, and tired - drained maybe.

She woke up after 6 or 7 hours sleep, and smiled. She kissed me, and offered more; but I wasn't sure. We talked about what we wanted.

Nelle's a bit confused and lonely I think. Maybe she wanted to distract herself with someone. I could have been that someone. She says she doesn't want to hurt me.

How did I feel? I wanted her, but it felt better not to. I want to be her friend more than anything else. I'd offered her a place to sleep, just sleep. And doing more would have made the offer cheaper - just a pickup line; not an offer of comfort from a friend who wasn't trying to get into her pants.

That was before I discovered that she wasn't wearing any.

She kissed me again, and it was... nice. Exciting. Lustful. And then she said I had no idea how hard this was; she got up; got dressed; Kissed me on the top of my head and left with a smile.

She called me later; to tell me that she'd enjoyed it; didn't regret staying, and joked about regretting leaving.

We're going to do dinner next week. Talk. See what happens.

* (Men seem to just drool into their pillows)

Day of names

Maia has had her naming day. Then there was the after-party. Jonny organised it for the Last Gate.

EM sort of invaded to celebrate. The room filled up, and even the host himself, Ethan Verone, decided to join us. For a notorious pirate he seemed to get on really well with Eva and KJ, and said that he regretted Elsebeth couldn't make it

Elsebeth. She's so proper that I find it hard to see her associating with a pirate like Verone. I mean Eva, sure - we are the dodgy ones after all - but Elsebeth?

Matariki and Jonny got a lot of gifts. Or rather, Maia did. There was quite a stack of them. Many of them were surprisingly touching. Pod-pilots remembering back to their childhoods and giving things that meant something to them. Some things that weren't replaceable. I don't think they are all as divorced from the mortal world as some would like to claim; or maybe they don't think they'll have children so are looking for other people's to give heirlooms to.

Maia made an appearance over a large screen holo link from Paiho. Maia yawned and burbled and faces in the crowd watched fascinated. It was interesting watching those faces as they looked at her. Some were looking quite touched. Maybe instead of destruction, creation could be attractive to them after all.

Free, to do what I want, any old time

Matariki had recommended that I drop in on La Maison sometime to meet new people. It's a virtual bar with a lot of isk spent on the VR so it's very real.

Matariki was there when I dropped by. She introduced me to a pilot who goes by the call-sign Bacchanalian. He's a Freespacer who flies with Rote Kapelle.

He's a psychopath. I asked some questions about freespacer philosophy and he couldn't explain what he wanted, except to use words in non-standard ways. "When you accept the truth, you'll understand" he said, several times.

I think he flies around shooting people in the hopes they too will become psychopaths and join him.

He has no regard for non-podders, and precious little for most podders. He thinks he's immortal, but I don't think he realises how much of the infrastructure that he relies on for his immortality is built and maintained by non-podders.

"So? They can be bought or coerced into doing what I want, and we'll be able to replace them with automation soon"

But he's very charming.

Depressed yes, Sad no!

The war is over. I'm feeling somehow bereft of purpose. If someone tells me to do something then that's easy, I do that.

I'm having difficulty thinking of things I want to do.

I tried flying some missions for the Sebiestor Tribe Bureau. It's a bit silly that the Brutor Tribe Bureau gives me more discounts than the Sebiestor. I felt tired at the end of it. Flying the typhoon just feels so slow. Lumbering. Most of my flying in the last couple of months has been in Rifters or Thrashers, and they feel so much more rewarding in their freedom of flight.

I went to the Last Gate last night. Hung around for a while, but it was practically empty. I think the staff were getting ready for the breakfast shift or something. Sat around for an hour and then decided to head back home.

Eva and KJ are being sweet. I'm happy for them, and I think they enjoy teasing me. I log on to a command channel and they pretend that I've just interupted something. At least I hope they're pretending or I'm interupting them almost all the time.

Eva seems happier than I've ever seen her. She's also around a lot more, instead of being off researching in her private lab alone. It's nice. The Corp is feeling more centered on her again, and I like that.

KJ also looks more relaxed. More at ease with himself. I suspect they really are suited to each other.

Strangely it makes me feel more alone. I haven't seen Sara in a month. I took Te Kahu to the End Of The War party. I think she enjoyed it as a social outing, but I haven't heard from her since. She was making noises about joining Gradient.

I need to do something. But I'm not sure what. Strangely, I've been thinking back to my time in the militia fondly. That would mean leaving Re-Aw though, and I don't like that idea at the moment.

I will make no large decisions right now. It's not entirely safe. I will try to get out more.

I will survive.

Cia has jumped into another clone. This one has been worked on by Silver's doctors. I think she's healthy now. She seems so bouncy. So alive. Like she's making up for lost time.

I hope she enjoys it.

Graft vs Host

Ciarente got sick, and accidentally shot at a corp mate during an operation. She was barely able to dock and wouldn't answer comms.

Ami dragged me along to find out what happened, and I had to pull rank on Cia's crew to get them to let us on board. I didn't like that. But if I hadn't Cia might have died- she was that sick.

Cia was dying - graft vs host disease. But the doctors caught it in time; barely.

She's in a new clone, but one of the old ones. Tired all the time. Dying.