Lies and Choices

Cia is lying to me. She says she's fine. That she's fixing her make up. I know that it's not.

But it's her life. I have no claim on her. I will not force my aid on her.

If she wants to tell me she's fine when she's not, then that's her choice. I understand appearances.

I just hope that, if I can help, she doesn't leave it too late to ask me.

Politics

Sometimes, the most uncontroversial things can blow up. Gerrard DuNord, CEO of the Rough Riders, lobbied to have the alliance standing orders changed to let any director of any corp discipline any alliance member for being rude in the alliance private channels. This seemed to come about because when he tried to discipline someone in Gradient, they told him to pull his head in. He didn't like being ignored.

Well, if I wanted Gerrard to have authority over me, I would have joined the Rough Riders, and there were a few people who agreed. The alliance forums got a bit heated. Gahrian resigned as a director of the Rough Riders in protest at Gerrard's proposal being rushed through. Gerrard resigned as CEO. Gahrian accepted the position of CEO of the Rough Riders. I may have been a bit... forceful in suggesting that we were not a military organisation, and that nobody but Eva or my clan, not even Rocius the executor, could give me orders - just suggestions.

Elsebeth thinks it was a plot by Re-Awakened to remove Gerrard. I had tried chatting to her about trying to stop the heated comments damaging the alliance. She seemed sure that EM would go on, but was disappointed in ReAw.

I'm confused. She seemed to think Eva did it - apparently there's been some bad blood between Eva and Gerrard. But I was one of the vocal opposition and Eva's never talked to me about Gerrard. I don't think Eva's been around to talk to anyone else, except maybe Killjoy and he hasn't talked about it.

When I told Elsebeth that, she said obviously it was so subtly done, using an atmosphere of distrust, that I wasn't aware of it... She seemed incredulous that we would be unaware that we were being played.

And then she said she didn't blame Eva. That had she been in her position...

And then she told me no more, except for a cryptic comment "Any price". I asked what she meant, and she asked me would I betray a friend to save the Republic. I said no. She said I was a better person than her. I said perhaps a worse patriot.

Now I'm filled with doubt. Dark thoughts. Questions. Was Eva playing me? I don't think so; I may be oblivious to some things, but not forever, and not usually after it's pointed out. Was Elsebeth trying to play me after the fact? Maybe. Perhaps it suits her for ReAw to take the blame for something she wanted to happen?

From here it looked more like Gahrian put the screws on to Gerrard to get him to step down. Did Elsebeth organise that? What did Gerrard do to Evanda? And if Elsebeth thought Evanda would be at least somewhat justified, why is she upset? Did Elsebeth throw Gerrard away as the price of getting Eva back on side? Is that what she meant by "Any Price"?

Suddenly there's a new world opening up. A world of calculation behind every comment. Questioning of every motive. Distrust of every action.

I don't like it.

The burdens of leadership

Being promoted isn't all good. People are looking to me to organise things. Asking me for things to do.

I'm setting up some manufacturing, if you can say I'm setting it up when I don't actually do any of the manufacturing. And people seem to be getting involved. I just need to keep thinking of things they can help with faster than they can do them. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to do it myself than get organised enough to delegate it.

The Privateers withdrew their half of the mutual war, and they're very hard to find in the Republic now. The war should end in a couple of days. Without targets, I'm not too disappointed.

Cia is looking better. I don't know if that's just a new clone or whether Nerila has made progress. Cia has announced a mission op for the weekend, so she might be feeling better, but it might just be that the war will be over.

Saw Sarakai for the first time in a few weeks. Must schedule tea sometime.

War and illness

EM declared war on the Privateers. Then their friends, DEMON, war-decced us. That was fairly ignorable for a few days, and then they attacked one of our moon towers. We fought back, but didn't really do any damage. They gave up after incapacitating all the guns.

The surprising thing was that Eva is back. She's been sick for so long that I was wondering if she'd ever be back on duty, and now she's back in time to help respond to the attack. We were running around setting things up, getting reppers, sorting out responses. Somewhere in the middle of it all she made me a Director of the corporation. That was a bit of a surprise, but on reflection I'm quite pleased. Of course, she didn't tell me, I just started getting new and interesting mail messages, and had a lot more access.

DEMON came back the next day. I came on shift to discover that there'd been fighting, and we'd managed to destroy one of their battleships, although we'd lost one undocking from the station to try to defend the moon tower. So it was back to repping modules and putting more guns online.

And they came back the next day as well. By now, we'd hired some pos gunners, and heavily fortified the tower. But they seemed to draw the lesson from the day before that they should instead camp the station.

KJ did a fantastic job baiting a dozen battleships in his Vagabond, shooting their drones and keeping them interested. He wasn't really going to be able to destroy one, but he could make them frustrated. Captain Sparre organised a reception fleet for them. He asked us to get some battleships ready to undock into the station camp.

Evanda, KJ and I undocked in RR Battleships into a group of about 12 enemy battleships and a vagabond. We started shooting, and Captain Sparre jumped in the rescue squad. Matariki was flying an ECM cruiser for the first time, and was helping keep us alive. Things were looking a bit hairy for a minute, and then the tide turned. We got 3 battleship kills, and a vagabond kill for no losses. Our pos gunners were a little sad they didn't get to help, but the enemy all docked up and refused to come out.

The thing that pleases me the most is not that we won that battle, but that the corporation came together. Re-Awakened earned its name, and we woke up. Everyone helped. Even if it was only moving stuff around, repairing the POS guns, scouting the surrounding systems. Even volunteering to learn how to use the tower guns. It's been refreshing. Invigorating.

Even Cia was out there, getting involved, and helping repair guns, despite her being still sick.

I got mail from Nerila. Two of the samples I brought back, Therese and Luc, have the same genetic markers that Nerila thinks are causing the problem for Cia. Luckily there's still one sample that Nerila can culture for a potential donation.

Camille has the markers too.

Should I tell Cia? Therese and Luc could die of the same thing. So could Camille. But while we don't have a cure, is there any point?

I once before found something out that I thought was important for Cia to know. When I told her, I hurt her. I broke us. We're just back to the stage where I think we're comfortable together. Friends. I don't want to screw that up again.

I'll tell Amieta. I'm pretty sure that she's working on the same problem. If she tells Cia, Cia's probably not going to drive her away.

A small amount of good news

Cia's doctor, Nerila, sent me a mail.

At least one of the samples I brought back is a good match. Now she's going to culture them, and try working on one of Cia's jump clones, to check for possible rejection issues.

KJ also found an unrelated 6 point match. So Nerila's culturing that one as well.

Nerila sounds almost hopeful, but it will be at least a week before the clone rejection issues are known.

More waiting.

Waiting

Got back from Intaki without incident. The space around Intaki was practically empty, and CJ was running a fleet to chase war targets closer to home. All the potential threats were hiding.

Delivered the samples to Nerila. She seemed relieved; thankful. I hope one of them is a match.

Now I have to wait a day until the results are ready.

It could all have been for nothing.

Influence in action

I have contacts with the Republic Security Service. It's useful sometimes, they have offices spread around the various empires, even Amarr space. I put out a request for movements of people matching the description of the Roth family. I figured that if they were in highsec, the RSS could probably find them.

Then I did a run down through lowsec Placid. The area that has a lot of systems that now belong to the Caldari, but used to belong to the Federation.

In Intaki, I found them. They weren't really hiding when they arrived here, or at least, not from me. I found their fake names. I found recent pictures. I got an address. They were living on Intaki Prime.

They weren't at that address any more. Some Caldari bureaucrats were living in the house now. Planets are big. If they didn't want to be found, it could take some time to find them. Time I didn't have.

I sent some messages. I told Amieta and KJ where I was and what I was doing. Planets are dangerous places, especially if I got into trouble. Getting killed in a pod is an inconvenience. Getting killed on a planet is forever. Someone else should know what I was up to.

I mailed Mr Night. I asked him if he could give me letters of introduction or something, that I could use to get some cooperation out of Ishukone. The new administrators of Intaki Prime.

I'm not sure exactly what he said in the coded packets, but when I showed them to the Ishukone customs officer I got bounced up the tree quite quickly. Silver has a lot of pull with these people.

Luckily, my time with Sarakai has taught me how to have tea with a Caldari without making a complete fool of myself, because fairly soon I found myself doing tea with a political supervisor. Offering any assistance possible to an associate of Mr Night. I smiled and was polite, and told him what I wanted.

It felt like they were surprised the monkey could talk, but the monkey worked for someone important. That displeasing me would mean displeasing Silver. I didn't disabuse them. In some senses it was true. So not exactly friendly, but cooperative.

Since I have their current identities, tracking them was fairly easy. They were staying in an apartment leased by an Ishukone mid-level bureaucrat. Moved in with him when their house was commandeered I guess. Cia's mother was playing the "War Widow" line, and the bureaucrat was comforting her. I didn't blow their cover.

I told them Mr Night wanted bone marrow samples from each of them. That it was important to him. They nodded and smiled, and said that of course that could be arranged.

So now I wait. Sometime today the Roth's will be politely invited to a medical center, and the samples will be taken. Then I'll be out of here.

I hope it's in time.

Duty calls

KJ called me. Said it wasn't an order. Not exactly. And it was my personal life and everything, so I could say no. But could I please stop Cia melting down in alliance?

She was gibbering on the alliance channel. Vikarion, her old corpse. her original corpse. He was me, so who am I? Really losing it.

So I flew to Lustrevik. Knocked on the door to her hangar, and asked to see her. They took my weapon and let me in. Some of her crew know me, and they seemed glad someone had come. Like they were worried for her but couldn't do anything.

Cia was sitting on her couch. Rocking and moaning. So I gave her a hug. It seemed to help. And she told me what had happened.

It was her body. The one that Vikarion killed. She's sick. Maybe dying, and her original body might have clues as to what's going on. She asked for it back. Vikarion said he'd give it back if she met him at a particular bar. She showed up, and Vik was there, wearing her corpse as if it were a jump clone.

Cia freaked. She's not entirely stable at the best of times, and seeing herself seemed to have upset her. She remembers the Cia-Copy that her father made, to make her what he wanted rather than who she was. Maybe she's not the Real-Cia, just a bad copy who thinks she's real, and that's why she's sick. Identity issues.

She got anxious and started having difficulty breathing. A lot of difficulty. I called her med team, and Nerila showed up with a couple of medics and gave her a transfusion. Cia wasn't very cooperative, but I held her hand and talked her into it. I also talked her into accepting a monitor so Nerila could tell when she was having difficulty next time. From what Cia said, she's getting transfusions every day, and that they're getting less effective. Cia wasn't very grateful to Nerila, worryingly hostile actually.

Nerila left reluctantly. I stayed a little longer to see how she was doing.

She apologised to me, about us. She said she hadn't treated me very well, and she wanted me to know she knew. It was like she was making her peace or something. I helped her to bed, pulled the covers over her as she fell asleep. I looked down at her wondering. Why was I there? Why was she happy to see me? What did it all mean?

I kissed her forehead, wished her sweet dreams, and left her sleeping.

I made my way out of the hab-unit into the rest of the hangar. I headed for Nerila's lab. I asked some questions.

Cia's not got much time. Her marrow isn't producing blood cells, and transfusions are putting clean blood in, but something in her system is damaging the cells very quickly, and the spleen is filtering them out, so she needs new blood every day. Nerila's a surgeon, not a geneticist, and Cia's ordered her not to tell anyone off ship. I'm not sure why she was telling me. Nerila's following orders to the letter I think, and for some reason I wasn't covered at that point.

Nerila told me that if she got a tissue match for a donor, then she could do something to Cia's system that would buy her years. Long enough to find the problem. But finding the donor soon would be a good thing.

Her best hope of a donor is her family. They've tested Camille - not close enough. The rest of her family is in hiding.

Time to go looking.

Prosthetic conscience

Sarakai finally got back to me and agreed to meet me in Lenfa's place for tea. She showed up looking calm like she usually does, but slightly uneasy at the same time.

We talked, inconsequentials. Then she asked me what I'd done in the service. I told her. Including the bad bits.

She accused me of being - stupidly - sensitive. Of caring about a single person I'd killed when I could look into their eyes, but not the thousands that died under the guns of my ship.

She was wrong. I cared about the person I killed face to face, yes. But I also care about the ones I kill under my guns. I couldn't explain to her why. At least, not in a way she seemed to understand.

Coming to EM was part of coming to terms with that. Now, the people who end up under my guns are supposed to be there. They're shooting back, and they're taking their chances, just like I am. I don't have bad nights over them.

She seemed confused. She said there were obviously rules about who you could kill and who you couldn't, and she didn't understand them.

Could she ask me? When she wasn't sure?

Obviously, she said, plausible deniability would have to be maintained. She'd use hypotheticals.

What could I say? I said yes.

Am I teaching her to be a better person? Or am I teaching her to pass as one?

Shopping malls and dinosaurs

Cia invited people to Luminaire to shop. I showed up to find Cia, Camille and Helmi. Luminaire isn't that far away. I wonder why other people skipped it.

Cia's tired. I volunteered to wrangle Cami while she had a rest in the cafe. Helmi stayed with Cia.

Camille chose a model of a Raven, and a remote controlled dinosaur model.

Cami knows Cia's sick. Not just tired. She's worried. But she told me Ami's going to fix things. Ami's good at rescuing people.

Camille cheers herself up when she doesn't think about it too much.

I wonder what Amieta's up to.

BIONE Bar

Went to the BIONE bar. My major recollections are philosophy and beer. Meeting new people. Carinelle, Isobel. Discussing Ivan and Debes yelling at each other in alliance - I have a feeling that may have to be mediated at some point.

BIONE seems to have a few friendly people, but also a lot of shy people. Maybe they'll get used to me if I visit more.

And I cried True Tears of Joy

I was working in Lustrevik for the Brutor Tribe, restricting an Angel incursion when a podpilot warped into the dead space area and promptly went red from Agro. He'd stolen stuff from me, according to CONCORD regulations. The Pilot was from the TEARS alliance, and they had a reputation for ambushing people running missions. So I warped my Malestrom out, and went back in Live fast or die - my Vagabond class cruiser.

He was gone. So I warped back to the station, and then for some reason decided to warp back again. I found him, looting more of my wrecks. And I popped him.

I expected his reinforcements to show up then, trying to kill my ship. But nobody did.

No shakes, not even slightly.

Imagination

Debes nearly got us all killed. We went on an anti-pirate roam in fast cruisers through Molden Heath, up through Metropolis, and into some Caldari Lowsec. Debes ordered me to jump into nullsec gateway systems a few times to see what was there. One time, I jumped into a system with 30 neutrals in local, and 5 or 6 on the gate. I reported types and did a runner and got out without being touched or followed.

Debes decided to take our fleet (of about 12) into that system. We jumped in and on orders shot at some of the locals. Ivan put up his Dictor bubble and we tried to shoot at some of the people coming to the gate. They were from a group called Wildly Inapproriate. About 2 minutes later, 2 ships warped into the gate, we shot at them, and they jumped. Then 20 people showed up at once. Debes called for a withdrawal.

I was sitting on the gate, locked and warp disrupted, trying to jump out. The stargate wouldn't let me jump due to "recent aggression". My sensors were telling me that a lot of people had me locked up, and there were swarms of drones incoming on me. Unfortunately for Debes, though not for me, he was primary target and went down quickly, KJ was taking damage. Someone else's ship died.

Sitting there for 40 seconds hoping that my ship would survive long enough to make the jump. pressing the button that requested the stargate jump me, and knowing there was nothing else I could do.

40 long seconds.

Finally I jumped. I warped to relative safety away from the other side of the gate. I was shaking in my pod. Still alive. Celebrating my good fortune on the Corp channel, with KJ who also survived.

Later Cia contacted me, someone had sent a mail to Camille, trying to make contact. An inappropriate mail. Cia was asking me if I thought she was over-reacting. I mean, Camille's ID includes her age, right? She's eight years old. I told her she wasn't being over-reacting. That she should tell her security.

Then she said she was glad I was safe. In that sort of tone where it feels like it's more than just the normal concern for a corp-mate. But I can't be sure.

Am I imagining things? Why do I care?

But I do.

Alone in a crowd

Before meeting Sara in the bazaar, I went to the party at Carinelle's place. It started pretty well, and quickly became crowded.

There was a lot of history in the room. It felt like half the room had been in a relationship with one another at some stage, and not all the breakups had been amicable.

Brooding brutor on the fringes, glaring at the crowd.

I found myself avoiding the center of the room once Rocius arrived. I was circling talking to people I knew well enough to greet. One was Anuko. Another was Cia.

Anuko was standing near the bar, filling up regularly. I took the opportunity to say hello when I was getting a drink. We haven't really talked since the day she walked out of the shuttle bay without looking back. She still seems bitter. But she talked to me.

Anuko asked me how my relationship was going. I think she meant Cia. She had a strange look on her face when I told her that it had crashed and burned the same weekend that I took her to Matar. She talked to me a little more but after she's had a few drinks, she has difficulty being non-confrontational. She eventually decided there were too many people and left. She may have overheard me telling Cia that I had invited Amieta on a sailing trip. That was the first trip I took Anuko on - to see a planet from the waves.

Cia was standing in the corner looking alone. She wasn't looking well. She had a nose bleed, and had to rush into Carinelle's bathroom a couple of times. Carinelle was quite concerned, and had a quiet chat to me. Cia left early, looking sick.

One of Elsebeth's cousins was there; Alyssa. I think it's been since announced that Alyssa and Teo Keish are getting married. I don't really know either of them. Alyssa just joined the alliance as a Gradient rep on the executor corp board.

Cierelle showed up; Rocius' wife. She seemed to be proudly pregnant. Rocius doted on her, in between doting on Carinelle. Mata was sitting on the couch in the middle of the room, and Cierelle ended up there too. I was avoiding it after Rocius arrived. KJ showed up looking pretty pleased with himself, and there were some conversations going on there.

Gradually people left. With each person or couple leaving, it became more difficult to avoid Rocius, so I decided to leave too. Mata called on me to wait for her. KJ, Mata and I left together. There was a bit of an after-party going on at the Shackled Amarr, but I skipped it. I heard later that Veren had got in a fight with someone, so perhaps that was for the best.

I was looking forward to the party. I was hoping for some music and some dancing, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable watching people renewing old relationships.

Maybe I understand more what Sara said about being alone in a crowd.

Revelations

I stopped in the bazaar to have dinner and who should walk in but Sara. It was nice to see her again. I asked her for a bit more details about the complications she spoke of. Was I already involved?

She told me that nobody was hunting her, and that I was unlikely to be caught up in anything. As far as she knew.

The complications were that she thought she would have to tell me things about her that would cause me to not want to be her friend any more. And so she'd rather keep me as a friend than try for more, tell me, and have me run away. But, if I wanted to know, she'd tell me.

What could I do then? I can't pretend all is still wonderful. Either I walk away, or I ask how bad it is.

So I asked.

I knew she'd been in the Guristas, a pirate. And I knew before that she'd been in the Watch as an undercover agent. I could guess the sort of things you might have to do to survive undercover, or to join the Guristas for real. I understand what people will do when it's a choice between survival or death.

I've been in wars, I've done things that were just wrong. But I didn't enjoy it. Actually, that's not true. There were times that it was exhilarating. The adrenalline and terror. The joy at being still alive. Afterwards, I'd get drunk to try to forget. I didn't want to remember what I'd done.

I regretted it.

One of the reasons I came home; joined Reawakened; was so I didn't have to pretend that what I was doing wasn't that bad.

I could understand anything, I thought.

Sara... It's not what she did. It's that she doesn't think it was wrong. She'd do it again. No guilt.

She just knows that some people think that what she did was wrong, so she's giving me a choice.

Now I have to decide.

Dinner with Sarakai

She was late. I waited for 2 hours. Am I stupid?

She showed up though. Work. These things happen. We talked about things, Caldari and Matari. Similarities. Differences. Sara seemed pleased that inter-corp relations in EM seem so friendly. I invited her to Carinelle's party. I mentioned that I'd heard rumours that some people didn't approve of Silver. I shouldn't have - now she's trying to determine if there are threats.

We discussed strength, rigidity vs flexibility. She said if she'd been more flexible she might never have been run out of the Watch. But then, she wouldn't have joined the Guristas, nor gone to work for Silver. And never met me. She asked about the sailing trip I'd promised Amieta. I've invited her too. Perhaps I should have cleared that with Amieta?

Then I asked her what our status was. Were we more than friends? I rambled a bit, thinking that I was making a mistake. She smiled and said it was a fair question.

The answer was that we were friends, for the time being at least. That there are complications in her life that I'd become involved in if we were an item.

She said she'll explain one day, honest.

Afterward I thought, how would people know? Would I be more involved in her complications than when I'm seen walking arm in arm with her through the bazaar?

Maybe I'm already involved, and I just don't know it?

Bazaar

It was a long day. I got into the bazaar after visiting the museum, and ran into KJ, Amieta, Cia and Camille. There was some excitement with some Amarrian buying some slaver hounds, and then having one shot dead in the corridor, and then everyone else started wandering away.

I did get the chance to ask Amieta what the deal was about her and Sarakai. I had inferred from Sara's hints that Amieta was pushing her into spending more time with me, but Amieta said that she was just pushing Sara into spending more time off duty, and if she chose to spend that time with me, that was up to her; but that it was good she was getting out more.

Then I got to spend time talking with Killjoy. It was good. He looks like recently he's been a bit stressed. I volunteered to help out more, and he said taking recruitment off his hands was a big help, and anything after that was gravy. The big issue at the moment is industry. That's really not my field. KJs also feeling twitchy about the whole corp thing. Whether he's doing the right thing with Eva gone. Whether she's going to come back and tell him he did the wrong thing. I tried to tell him that she should be happy that he kept it going, and couldn't complain if it wasn't exactly the way she'd planned if she didn't tell anyone the plan.

We went drinking, and hung out and chatted. Talked corp history, and guns. How much stress was involved in being a director.

I told him what I knew of Cia's history. His reaction was to want to kill Cia's father too. I told him Amieta said she'd taken care of it, and we started talking about Amieta. I warned him that she said she doesn't like them skinny or too pretty. He laughed and said he wasn't planning on getting to know her quite that way.

Then we finished our drinks and headed for the exit, and just as KJ left, Matariki came in. She was planning on meeting Elsebeth in the bazaar, so I stayed to talk to her until Elsebeth showed up. I talked about the visit to the Museum with Carinelle. Mata talked about the exhibits there, and how she thought that it was a shame that so many of them were related to our people's history as slaves. Like we couldn't discuss the mother of the clan without mentioning she was a slave. I think Mata's a bit twitchy about something. Then Elsebeth arrived, and I made an excuse and walked off into the bazaar to leave them a chance to talk in private.

And I ran into Ciarente. She was shopping for books. Books for Camille that she thought would teach her morals, or set good examples. She's in a new jump clone because her doctor said the other clone was sick. Cia let slip that they expect this clone to get sick too.

I asked about the physical security on her pod or something, anything to explain how different clones could get ill in the same way. Helmi seemed to think I was impugning Cia's security team, but I didn't really want to consider the alternative.

What kind of thing can cross the jump clone barrier? I can only think of genetic things. They might not be curable.

Ciarente told me not to worry. Begged me not to worry. She said she's got Camille and Ami to worry about already and she can't be worrying about me as well. So I promised I wouldn't worry too much.

I was surprised. I mean, I thought we were almost back to being friends, but she says something like that. It makes me wonder if there's still hope. And then I crush it. It won't work.

But I still care.

We talked about role models, and she talked like she was trying to find ways to influence Camille's life if she dies soon. I reminded her that it looked like Cami wanted to grow up like Amieta, and that there are worse examples out there that she could choose. That's when Cia told me she wanted a lawyer. To make arrangements so that if Cia dies, Amieta could raise Camille without a legal challenge. Cia's estate would be quite a lot of isk, and without a solid legal basis, it could be challenged.

She's talking like that's likely. The death, and the legal challenge.

I hope she's wrong.

Mediator

Arkady called. He's been pushing the Alliance restructure and asked if I'd be interested in taking on one of the roles. Mediator for the 1st shift.

It's an honour. It's something I think I can do. It's mostly listening. Understanding. Trying to talk to people who can't actually talk to each other.

That evening I had my argument with Cia.

Maybe I'm worse at this than I thought?

Loneliness by Proxy

It's been a busy few days. I have a bunch of things to get straight in my head, and every time I try to think about them, I get side-tracked by the last thing, so I'm going to write about that first.

I think Cia is feeling lonely; left out. She has got quite defensive about how people talk about clans and belonging, and was telling me that I was hurting CJ by talking about clans, families and how we fit in front of CJ.

I don't think that's true. I think it's Cia that's hurt.

She got a bit insistent about it last night. I said I'd talk to CJ about it. About whether it really did bother her. Cia got more insistent, like she didn't want me to talk to CJ. I got a bit rude I think, and said that unlike some people I didn't try to decide what was best for other people without talking to them about it.

I left at that point, since I might have gone a bit far.

I've talked to CJ before about stuff when I thought I'd hurt her, and she's been fairly straight forward, and not nearly as fragile as Cia seems to think. So tonight I talked to CJ again. Asked her if it bugged her. She said that sometimes she doesn't really know what to say, but that it isn't a problem. It doesn't bug her. She said actually, I've never done anything that bugged her.

I've been thinking about what Cia said, and I thought maybe CJ would like to fit in more. Maybe if she sees what it's like she won't feel so lost. So I invited her to Paiho sometime, next time there was a social event I was going to.

She looked a bit nervous. Asked what kind of social event. What should she wear. I told her it depends, sometimes the Aunties run something, and sometimes the cousins have a dance party where leathers and boots would be perfectly appropriate - that's what CJ wears a lot. She seemed much happier with that idea. I told her about Caci. How she's like my big sister, and CJ laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Like there's something about the clan she can already recognise or understand.

Next time the cousins are having a party, I'll let CJ know and take her along if she's free.

So now I'm pretty sure Cia is using CJ as an excuse to tell me I shouldn't talk to people about what clan they're from or how we might be related. That actually it's Cia who's broken.

On reflection, that shouldn't surprise me.

I don't think Cia realises how rude she's being when she tells me that how I or Matariki interact with people; the way anyone from my clan, or lots of other clans in the Republic, might greet people; is wrong, instead of just different from what she's used to.

But she's sick; sick enough to have to jump-clone to a body that her doctor doesn't think has the problem yet; and she's told me she can't cope with more worry, so I'm going to leave it alone. I don't need to win this argument.

Museums

Carinelle invited me to join her at the Illuin Museum. We looked at a few exhibits, but mostly we ended up talking. Carinelle is half Sebiestor. She only found out a year or so back, and I think it was a challenge for her to deal with. She's interested in talking about what that might mean. What a life in a clan might be like.

Carinelle warned me that I should talk to Sarakai about being seen with Carinelle. She tends to end up being covered by the press. I told her that Sara and I were probably just friends. Carinelle laughed and pointed out that I had a history of being wrong about that. Somewhat embarrassing, but she was right. I don't want to push Sara so hard that we can't be friends, and I don't want her to shoot me. Carinelle laughed hard when I told her that.

We talked more. About clans; about being an outsider; about being able to protect yourself. Carinelle could probably join a clan if she wanted, but she doesn't want to unless it's because Rocius has asked her to marry him. Then he wouldn't be able to exclude her from things to protect her.

But she was raised Gallente, and thinks it would be hard to let a clan make choices for her.

I tried telling her about my clan, how things work. She seemed interested, and thoughtful. She called me sweet, nice, and balanced. It's a change, having someone think of me that way who wasn't my cousin.

It's a pity that she's involved with Rocius.

Remembrances

Auntie Yana died a few months back. Last night there was a remembrance for her. The clan gathered around a fire and we told stories. Things Yana did that were kind, or funny, or showed her character. Like the time she caught Enki out the back with Gudrun from the Polanni clan and loudly reviewed his seduction technique after listening for 5 minutes until he nearly died of embarrassment... then invited them both in, gave them a hot drink and some prophylactics...

Yana's going wasn't a surprise. Matariki offered to get her a clone, but Yana said it had been long enough. I don't think she thought she'd still be her afterwards. Tonight we asked the ancestors who watch over the clan to accept her into their number, so she could keep watching over us, and the ones that follow.

Angel reminded Enki this would mean that Yana would be watching him try his seduction next time, and he cried and laughed at the same time.

I think that she'll be there. Mediating with the spirits of the wind and the earth, the sun and the rain, to help our clan grow strong. And we will remember her.

Dry days

Today was Cia's birthday. And also something she called Dry day after a fire ceremony from her home world. Her Engineer, Mitch, set up some forcefields to contain the heat and flames, and then walled the hangar with flames. He also mounded some earth or something, and carved a ditch through it also filled with fire, with bridges over the ditch.

Cia was wearing a spectacular red dress, with a matching red jewelled necklace. She looked really good. But she looked tired. Like she needed a rest and a hug. At the end, when I said goodbye, I wanted to hug her very badly. That's not my place any more. I can't do that again until I'm invited.

In any case, I'd gone to the party with Sara. We gave Cia matched cookbooks - me from Matari cooking, and Sara from Caldari. I think she liked them. I hope she liked them.

Cia was the centre of attention, so Sara and I went and stood on one of the bridges and looked at the fires. We talked. She's asked me to take her to Michel's. Just the two of us.

It's a lot less up-market than I'd expected, but then I don't think the price of the food matters to Sara, and I know they have her favourite brand of tea.

I must have rubbed the bruise where she hit me in sparring, since she asked me if I was alright. When I told her it was where someone punched me, she laughed and said I was tough, I could take it. I told her I was a sensitive flower and she laughed again and called me a tough sensitive flower.

We talked. About different sides. Tough and sensitive. She said she'd always had more use for tough. That was hardly a surprise. She's been hard all her life. I wonder if I have introduced some sensitive into her life.

I asked if she liked coming to parties like this, with lots of people. I think she prefers to be alone. She said she probably wouldn't go if I didn't invite her. I asked her if she'd prefer to come to these sorts of things, or to go somewhere just the two of us, and she said she didn't mind.

I wondered if she meant that what she liked was spending time with me, but I'm probably imagining things.

Sara said Amieta had been very enthusiastic about arranging time off for her to see me. That Ami thinks she needs to get out more. I must talk to Amieta about that sometime. I told her not to let Ami push her if she didn't want to, but Sara said she'd been enjoying herself.

I told Sara that I had to leave early. To go to Matar for a ceremony for Auntie Yana. I offered to escort her home first if she wished. She said she would stay and match names with files... I guess that's her job, but it surprised me a bit.

As I was leaving, escorting Matariki from the hangar, I turned to look at Sara. She was watching me leave.

And she was smiling at me.

Sparring

Sarakai is fast. I kind of knew she would be, but she's faster than that. Still, I actually made her work up a sweat to put me down. She was using lots of low kicks to feel out my defences, and I was moving away to get a feel for how fast she is. I tried a counter-attack flurry one time, and didn't quite connect, and I only just deflected her riposte.

I thought she was getting tired, so I let her strike, deflected it, and tried to body slam her while fending off the other hand. Missed it just, and she followed up with a leg hook that dropped me.

I have quite a bruise over my heart.

While I was rubbing the bruise she saw some of my tattoos and asked about them, so I showed her. I told her what they all mean. That it's a reminder that I'm part of Paiho.

She said she liked them, and told me she had two tattoos. One of which was a small Guristas tattoo and the other was some facial nano-tattoos, which she's never seen. They only show when she's really angry or upset. I think she keeps herself so under control that they never show.

I asked where the rabbit tattoo was. She smiled and said I'd have to use my imagination. She did infiltration for the Guristas and if it had been seen she would have been in big trouble. that doesn't leave too many places...

Sara's going to pick somewhere to have dinner and let me know. I'm rather looking forward to it.

Commitments

I spent the morning in a bar talking to Carinelle. It was the end of her shift and she was looking for company. I like Carinelle a lot. She posts thoughtful things on the alliance boards, and I like the sound of her voice on comms when she leads fleets. She's also very pretty.

Carinelle and Rocius have an arrangement. Rocius' wife Cierelle knows and approves. They're even talking of Carinelle moving in with them. I thought she was safe to flirt with, and we were flirting gently for a while when I said "but you're taken" So it was a bit of a shock when she smiled at me and said it wasn't an exclusive arrangement...

I carefully backed off, started talking about Sarakai. Carinelle took the hint, and I hope she wasn't offended. I started thinking though. I do tea with Sarakai, and we talk and have started walking arm-in-arm, but we haven't discussed anything. She called me her friend, and that feels important, but ...

It's not like I've made any promises. Neither has she.

So why do I feel like I have?

Challenges

I've spent a lot of the week scouting. Sitting in a cheetah watching our war targets and reporting. It's been useful, but dull.

On Saturday I did lunch at Michel's with Sarakai, Amieta, Cia, Camille, and Helmi. Cheeseburgers. I hadn't seen Sara for a week or two, or Amieta - I think Silver is keeping them busy with his new carrier.

Someone from White Rose - maybe Vikarion - Sent Cami a laser rifle. Cia was very upset. Cami was upset that Cia wouldn't let her keep it. Cia also told me that Vikarions girlfriend was tortured so badly that they turned off the life-support and let her die. Perhaps Vikarion blames Cia and is trying to get back at her through Cami? I have no idea why he'd think that.

Sara's birthday had been a few days before. Amieta is pressuring her to have a party. Sarakai said Ok, if it's a small party. I mentioned perhaps taking her out for dinner, and she said she'd like that. We pestered Sarakai for a bit, asking what she wanted for her birthday. She admitted that a small piece of art for her room would be nice. I have to go shopping some time soon.

Cia's birthday party is next week. Cia said she didn't need presents (of course, Camille told her she was missing the point of birthdays). Cia said that what she'd really like was something to remind her of people, where they were from.

There was a discussion about the attack on the Caldari navy Titan. I didn't lie exactly, but I didn't volunteer that I'd gone along. Apparently Silver is quite upset about the attack.

Cami asked how much a Titan cost, and then when we told her, declared her intention to train to fly a Titan, and then go into business stealing them and selling them. I laughed, but Cia was looking like the joke was wearing a little thin.

On Sunday I met Sara in the bazaar and showed her Lenfa's. We had tea, and talked. It feels like we're in a comfortable place, but not moving much. She said she's starting to appreciate this friend thing.

We bought matching presents for Cia together, and I remembered to ask her about something Amieta told me. She's a combat training instructor, and I asked if she would like to throw me around a bit.

We've agreed there'll be no eye-gouging or groin strikes, and the winner gets to choose a place for dinner. She claims that desk work has been making her soft, but I've been sitting in a pod all week.

I have a feeling she's going to kick my arse, despite weighing half what I do.

The Task of Sisyphus

The sky over Caldari prime was filled with ships. Many of them were there to shoot at the Caldari Navy Titan. Some of them were there to remote-rep it, though I don't think that was necessary. There was some shield and some armour damage done, but it was quickly repaired. After 6 to 8 hours, things ran out of steam and people started departing as they finished their ammo loads, or lost hope. The titan was unscathed.

Some ships were destroyed either by concord or the assembled masses. Some people died.

I'm not sure I see the point really.

So why did I go?

It was partly for Matariki. She is very happy with Jonny, and I was showing willing. I was pleased when Jonny noticed me amongst the battleships on the field. Later I found out that Matariki was less enthusiastic about it.

It was partly for me. I knew it was mostly doomed before I arrived. But I went anyway. Enthusiasm. A chance to see a titan. To shoot at it. Maybe if we were gloriously lucky to be part of that glory.

Only afterwards did I wonder what my corp mates or friends might think.

Silver. Amieta. Sarakai.

The Utopian Ideal

I've been trying to organise a trip to see Sara for the last couple of weeks. The excuse was to visit The Utopian Ideal - Silver Night's Chimera class carrier. Finally, our schedules coincided, and I travelled out to the base.

The carrier is huge. 1.3km long. The dock has a significant marine presence .

Sara was waiting for me.

I wasn't really sure how to address her, so I called her "Ms Voutelen" in front of security. I was pre-approved, so was quickly inside the ship and walking around the internals. Sara took me to the bridge first. It was suitably impressive, and I tried to ask intelligent questions. She took me to the hangar next, via an internal transport system.

It was huge. The walk-way she lead me out onto was 100 meters above the hangar deck floor. The catwalk was very fragile looking. It took me a minute or two to stop my adrenaline telling me that I was too high with not enough support.

The hangar was mostly empty, with only a couple of ships in it. We were alone. I took the opportunity to ask how I should address her in front of the crew. She said as I was a captain, and in the same corp, first name would be acceptable.

The name thing seems like a game that I don't understand. I can tell that having her ask me to call her Sara was some sort of signal. Sometimes her mails are from Sarakai sometimes from Sara, still other times CTO Voutelen.

I think that means something. Some message that I'm failing to understand.

Sara took me to the fighter bays. Fighters are like frigates in size, though less modular. Sara mentioned that Caldari excellence at fighters was how they held the Gallente at bay during their wars, forcing the federation to go all in on drones as a way to compete. I've never walked around a fighter before - they're huge, although I guess that's relative on a carrier.

Then Sara offered to show me Amieta's garden. It was a place of life in an otherwise grey metal world. There are force fields between different types of plants that need different environments. Had I been a child I would have loved playing with them - moving from hot to cold and dry to moist, leaning against the forcefield trying not to put quite enough force on it to pop through.

I'm not sure Sara approved, but it was a nice place. Ami spends all her time here when she's not on duty or off ship. She does all the work herself. It looks like there's a lot of work in it.

Not everyone is allowed in - the general crew are allowed in the hydroponics area, but not Ami's personal garden.

Sara took me to the officers' mess for dinner. We got a table on our own, but it was still a public place with lots of other people around. I didn't feel like we could talk completely openly. Still, it felt like the first time we'd actually got to talk about something other than business.

The food was very good. But the point was the conversation. I asked if she'd enjoyed the dinner in Pator, and she said yes. I hadn't been sure, since she hadn't replied to my mails afterward. She said that if I had annoyed her, she'd just have security shoot me.

I think she was kidding. She does a very good straight face, so I can't be sure though.

At least I know I haven't annoyed her yet, right?

She even said that she'd be willing to give it another go, especially if she didn't have to wear a dress next time. I laughed and said if I didn't have to wear a suit it was a deal. She looked at me oddly and said she thought I looked very nice in a suit.

I told her about Lenfa's place in the bazaar. How sometimes I go there when I want to be alone, even if it is amongst so many people. She didn't want to intrude somewhere I went to be alone.
I think that's another message I need to understand.

I told her that it was an island of peace rather than necessarily somewhere to be alone, and I could share that with friends. That she'd be welcome, if she wanted to join me.

She looked thoughtful at that. But said that yes, she'd like to see Lenfa's place.

I have come to appreciate peace with Sara. Sitting drinking tea.

She told me some of the traditions of the Caldari and tea, and poison. I told her how I made tea for the Aunties when I'm home.

Sara said she isn't good with words.

So why do I enjoy our conversations so much? She said it was because she knew when not to talk. I like that idea. Like some music works best when it has spaces in the sound. It emphasises that which is there by framing it with silence. So I had to ask. Do I talk too much? She smiled and said no. I think she was even telling the truth.

I remembered to ask her if she'd like to come to a party. I told her Cia was throwing one, and had said I could bring someone. She smiled and said yes.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to see her in the bazaar sometime soon. To sit In Lenfa's and drink tea or coffee. To share a companionable silence. I think she'll like that too.

Aiming high

Jonny wants to shoot a Titan. There's a Caldari one parked over Caldari prime in Luminaire. It's supporting the oppression of the Gallente population on Caldari Prime. So he wants to shoot it.

We have a war coming, so I moved a Typhoon down now instead of waiting for the day. While I was there, I thought I'd drop in on the Athena again.

It was less tense. Zagamesh was the only one there. He said he didn't really care about the issue on the weekend. If Jonny was going to come in and wave his dick around, he had to expect to get shit for it.

That wasn't what I thought had happened, but I kept my mouth shut. I asked after Saigan Lazuli, since he had seemed more rational. Zagamesh said that Saigan had left STRIX, so his opinion didn't count for anything.

I decided STRIX aren't worth following up. They don't seem like people one could negotiate with. Their CEO at least doesn't seem completely sane.

Rapprochement

Cia invited a bunch of us to visit a bar in the federation run by STRIX - a Federation loyalist corp. I thought it would be interesting, so I showed up. KJ and Mata, Kenpachi and Taizu showed up as well. Cia brought a "friend" called Helmi Alpassi. she's Caldari, and about Cia's age, but she has the look of a bodyguard.

Cia was trying to maintain a sort of normal conversation while some of the STRIX people were talking about nothing but war and killing. I guess STRIX is a combat corp in the Gallente Militia. I think she wanted us to like the Gallente, and was a bit nervous about how things were going. They were also giving Helmi and Kenpachi some evil looks for being Caldari. Helmi took it very calmly.

The STRIX CEO, Zagamesh, is broken. He's been fighting so long that he doesn't seem to understand why. He wants to abandon the "phoney war" that the Gallente are losing and start a total war, cos that will go so much better for them. That the price of war should increase until the Caldari people demanded their politicians stop the war. That duty demanded hard choices. He said that too many people did not have the strength of character to become monsters.

Some of our people left during this speech - KJ and Matariki. It felt too creepy.

Cia said that Duty was used by people as a justification for doing things they wanted to do anyway. That it allowed them to say that it wasn't something they'd chosen, they had to do it, and yet they formed their idea of duty to allow them to unleash their nastier sides.

This bothers me a lot. I don't think it's true, but if Cia's right, it might be because I don't want to think it's true. I don't enjoy losing ships. I don't enjoy killing people. But sometimes, when I'm fighting someone and they nearly kill me I feel exhilarated. Joyous at survival; that they're dead and not me or my crew.

Then afterwards I think about the people on board. Were they all bad people? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know.

In some ways, the pod-kills are the cleanest. I know the one person I'm killing had choices. They chose to be in a Pirate corp, they've been warned by our diplomats. and usually their sec status tells me that they've killed a lot of people before.

And there are no bystanders. No people only following orders. I spent a lot of time thinking in the bar surrounded by conversation that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to.

There was another man there - Saigan Lazuli - who seemed pleased to see us. He actually seemed interested in the idea of EM having good relations with the Federation. He also seemed interested in closer personal relations with Ciarente. He appeared mostly sane and able to hold a friendly conversation, and to tell Zagamesh he was full of shit from time to time, in a friendly way.

He had a job to go to though, so left after a while.

Then Mata's Jonny showed up. I've never actually met him before, so I introduced myself. He seemed wary, but once I wished him and Mata well he seemed almost bashful, like he was surprised that they were working out so well, and quite happy about it.

Zagamesh verbally sparred with Jonny a bit, but nothing too nasty.

Then another pilot came in and seemed surprised at all the new people. She was Kaylie Jenn, and when she figured out who Jonny was she was pretty abusive to him. She's been in the Gallente militia 3 weeks and has all the fervour of the new convert. I don't completely understand the antipathy towards Jonny. Mata said later that when he had been running Stimulus Corp, they'd kicked STRIX around a bit and memories are long.

While she was arguing with Jonny, I noticed that he never backed down once. No politely ignoring bullshit to smooth things over. Always asking her to justify her insults. At the same time engaging her argument.

While the argument was going on, Cia tried to change the subject.

Cia invited me to a party. She's having a "dry day" party which is a tradition in her home town. It's also her birthday, when she'll be 21 and officially an adult. Currently she flies a battleship with thousands of people under her command, and she's technically a child. I think the invitation is a sign that things are improving between us. It's becoming normal.

I asked if I could bring someone, and she said yes. I must remember to see if Sara is available when Cia gives me a date.

It was surreal in many ways that there was a polite discussion of party dates in the middle of a room of arguing people. The tension was obviously building, and Cia was getting more panicky, trying to pretend things weren't going wrong.

Kaylie and Jonny's argument escalated. Jonny asked if she'd like a duel, and she backed down but continued abusing him. She doubted his skill, and he asked why, if she doubted his skill, had she backed down. He was fairly belittling of her, but she was ranting.

At this point I started thinking things might go hot, and Helmi obviously did too, since she moved from an observation position to being between Cia and the potential fight.

Saigan Lazuli came back and was shocked that everything had disintegrated so badly since he left.

Jonny and Kaylie were getting more heated, and I suggested Cia should maybe leave, but Cia started heading over to get between Jonny and Kaylie and tell them "couldn't we all just get along". Helmi stopped her. Took her by the arm and almost pushed her out the door. Kenpachi and I were guarding her back.

Saigan blocked the door and asked what was going on, what was all the unpleasantness about? He looked like he'd hoped we'd become allies and could see his hopes leaking away. Helmi asked him politely to move out of the way, with steel in her voice. He moved.

I told him he should ask his people, that this wasn't a friendly place any more.

Cia told him they were arguing over who was the most patriotic. He looked anguished, but didn't try to stop us.

Jonny followed us out, down towards the docks and the interbus depot. Jonny sort of apologised for the unpleasantness. That much of it was based on ancient history. But he didn't back down. Maybe I can see some of what Matariki sees in him.

As we walked down the corridors Kenpachi had a gun out; Helmi moved between him and Cia when she noticed. I left mine holstered, but I was ready to draw. We were surrounding Cia like she was the only one that needed protection. Was that right? She's a combat pilot. She told me once that she's stabbed people to death in cold blood. What makes us want to protect her? Or even think that she needs protection?

I'm obviously not over her.

Second chances

Mr Vikarion left a message for Cia in the public EM channel. Asking whether she'd had a chance to consider his "offer".

CJ asked in Alliance if she could tell him to fuck off and leave Cia alone. I suggested that really, that was Cia's decision. CJ doesn't think Cia knows what's good for her. I suspect she's right. But I remember a conversation I had with Cia, when we were talking about things that were important, and I would not try to take away her choices.

I was contemplating telling KJ about the "offer" though - Vikarion isn't red to us, but I suspect that's mostly because he's too far away most of the time. He's Sansha through and through, and I don't trust him having influence over Cia.

Cia came on comms later, and I did what I'd promised and passed the information on. Vikarion runs a program Cia called "Significance" which is cloning for non-pilots. There's a slow scan, and if you get killed you can come back from where the backup was taken. You lose the time since your last scan, the memories. Are you really you any more?

Still, Cia enrolled her entire crew. But the enrollment was cancelled when she left White Rose.

Vikarion's offer was to re-enroll them.

I decided now was a good time to tell her about Eva's theories, the ones she presented to the sleeper conference, about Memetic Infection. Eva thinks that with the right technology and information, it would be possible to infect a mind with something like a computer virus. Pilot minds are partially wired into a computer, and computers get viruses all the time. Eva thinks we're most at risk when jumping from body to body, especially when we've just been podded.

If it's possible for sleepers to suborn people who have been podded, then it makes sense that if they have months to work on the brain copy that's going to be implanted, that the Sansha might be able to do that too.

I suggested to Cia that she not entrust the minds of her crew to people she didn't completely trust. That I knew Silver used a similar program, and that I trusted him a lot more.

Cia told me more details about the program. What it did, how much it cost. That Silver used a commercial business rather than running his own.

If I had 5000 crew and I wanted them all enrolled, it would have cost 50 million, and to recover from a complete loss, 75 million to regrow them all. That's a lot of money.

But if I was flying my Rapier with only 500 crew, that's a very reasonable amount.

I could give them a second chance.

Relative Meaning

There's a museum in Illuin, where Cia invited a bunch of people to go for a social outing. It's nothing special for the most part, but a couple of things stood out.

There's a statue of a Pregnant Sebiestor holding a rifle in one hand, staring at her belly with a determined expression. She's by Mati Rata and is titled "One day this too shall be yours".

Different people obviously have different reactions to her.

Matariki thought the statue was telling her child that there would be fighting, but that there would be tools - that it was a message of self reliance and optimism. The Rifle was a Gallente model similar to the one we learned to shoot with when we were children, so Mata thinks of it like a promise to prepare the child to be free. That they need never be defenceless.

Cia seemed surprised that the weapon was from the Gallente. Perhaps it's a reminder to her of what the Republic owes to the Federation. I talked to her later, and she was sad too, that a woman has to think of violence at a time when she should be preparing for bringing forth a new life.

The statue made me sad, to think that before her child is even born, they have been committed to war.

Like I was.

Openings

I've been busy for the last few days. KJ has come down ill, and Matariki and I have been fueling a corp low-sec moon tower. KJ threw money at us, and we had to find out what was needed and get it down there. Mata was finding the materials and buying them, and I was hauling and loading. Mata is a little twitchy about going to lowsec at the moment.

It's something new. I've not been involved with moon towers before. It's an opportunity to learn, maybe get into the production side of things.

I did dinner with Sarakai. I wore the new suit - it's not as flashy as the black one with the gold courting patterns - and I like the subtle designs in the weave. Sara wore a slinky black floor-length sleeveless dress. It looked spectacular, but I'm not sure she was entirely comfortable in it. I don't think I've seen her out of uniform before. Later she said that occasionally she might like to try wearing it again.

It was the same restaurant I took Cia to, although I didn't organise a private booth or menu this time. Sara doesn't eat very much, so the food wasn't center stage. We talked. About clothes. About dressing up. About being alone.

Sara asked me if being alone bothered me. It had never bothered her, but she was starting to think that it bothered other people. I told her a bit about Cia. That it had been like stepping out from the dark into sun light that was both wonderfully bright and horribly blinding. That I had screwed it up. That now I noticed I was back in the dark, and that bothered me in ways it hadn't bothered me before.

She asked if I wanted to try it again. I said "Yes. One day. With a little more thought maybe".

Was that an offer?

I didn't think so at the time, but afterward I wondered if I was missing something.

Sara told me she had been alone from very early, after her mother died. She was running a street gang by the time she was 16. She got arrested and given the choice between joining the Watch and going to gaol. She quite seriously said that if she'd stayed, she might be running the place now. Since then, she'd been surrounded by people and yet always felt alone. In the Watch, and in the Guristas, and now in Silver's employ.

I think Sara's enjoying spending time with me. I'm not expecting anything more. I'm not even sure I'm offering anything more.

I like spending time with her. She seems at peace, and I find things like sitting and drinking tea together very relaxing. She doesn't make me feel like I have to talk all the time. That sometimes silence is welcome.

But I don't know what she wants.

I don't really know what I want either. Sometimes I think she's interested, in a very dry and subtle way. Other times I'm sure she's not. Sometimes I think I'm interested, and sometimes I think I'm not.

I'm twenty four. She's fifty something.

What does that mean when I don't have my original body? When I might have a body about this functional indefinitely? Does it come down to life experience? Sara is very good at what she does, but sometimes she seems as awkward as I feel. Like she put growing up on hold to survive in the slums, the Watch and the Guristas. She did what she had to to survive and that included shutting down her feelings.

Maybe she's thinking about opening them up again.

More normality

Today, after a morning chasing around the operation area without effect, I offered to help Cia with her covops training.

The thing she didn't yet have was confidence running through gates, so I sat on one side with my interceptor, and she'd jump through and try to get away. Then repeat. The closest I got was on the first run, when I got a lock but the Warp disruptor didn't activate in time to stop her. Every other time I failed to get lock before she was gone.

At the end of it she was much more confident I think. It's a training style I've had before, and it worked for me. At the end of it, you know in a way that just theoretical lessons can't teach.

It was slightly odd, talking her through it, and praising her reactions. It's like I'm standing outside watching myself be professional, and I'm surprised at how good a job I'm doing.

Back into the operations area for a few hours, with still no more result. The Mary Militia seems to be staying away from our area of operations. I have to go 8 or 10 jumps to find any sign of them. Arkady is very happy with the results though. We've halved the number of contested Matari systems in only a few days by providing the Matari militia with support.

I returned to Lustrevik for an Agent Mission Op that Cia was running. I finally got to take the Charybdis out into danger, and with support it was a fine ship. The 1400s mean that frigates are practically impossible to hit, but Cia in her Dominix was chewing through them. We had 4 Maelstroms including the Charybdis, Cia's Dominix, Silver in a Raven, and for a little while, Matariki in a Raven as well. More pilots came and went. Jobs which would have taken an hour on my own were finished in less than 10 minutes. And the pilots chatting together was good. I think it's a good way to help build up esprit de corps in Electus Matari. I'm rather pleased at how it went.

I sent mail to Sarakai asking if she's Ok. I haven't heard from her since the trip to Paiho, so I wasn't sure. I've suggested we catch up sometime, and after some negotiation, we're doing dinner on Wednesday. I hope that works out.

I'm again finding myself watching my actions as if looking on from outside, only this time with Sarakai.

What does that mean?

Being normal?

Well, the campaign has started to help out the Militia. The corp we war-decced has dropped out of the Mary militia to engage us in highsec - that's a victory right there, since it means they're not engaging our militia.

As of now, I have the only kill of the campaign in our defined fighting area. A Pirate, autopiloting their Pod. It took me five seconds to check my sensors weren't playing up, and that they were a valid target. Then they popped.

No losses so far, and I'm beginning to think I was a bit enthusiastic about getting ships into the Forward Operating Base.

Cia was running a trip to the ship construction yards in lowsec. I thought it would be a relatively safe place to meet again. In front of other people. A limit on the intensity perhaps.

Of course, I arrived early and ran into Cia on her own.

It was Ok.

We talked about ships for a bit until Silver arrived. Silver told us he'd named his new Carrier - his second - it's now the "Awakening Ideal" which is a nice name on several levels. I like it. Silver has some poety in his soul that doesn't get revealed very often, but sneaks out in his ship names.

Other people showed up, including Matariki and CJ, and a couple of new people I hadn't met before except on comms. We talked ship fits for a while, and I gave Cia a couple of suggestions that might improve her ships' tanks. It was relaxing in a way, talking about something technical, not anything to do with feelings.

There was some gentle ribbing from Matariki over the tabloid article about me and Silver, but it passed quickly.

Matariki's Jonny has announced his candidacy for Federation President, which is a bit of a surprise. I suggested she get some security, as did CJ and others. The Press can be quite intrusive, and I'm not sure they're going to treat her well.

I think it went Ok. I didn't feel in pain. It was nice to talk to Cia.

After action reports

CJ ran an Op. We had 3 battlecruisers, a couple of frigates, and me in my Vagabond. We moved around for a bit looking for someone we could handle that we could catch. We eventually engaged an Armageddon in a belt after he scouted half of us out and invited us to fight away from gate guns. I think the critical point was that he hadn't seen all of us when he decided to let us engage.

We however were pretty sure he didn't have friends because of our scouts. Silver lost a hurricane, and CJ was down to 2% armour before the Armageddon popped. It was CJ's first loss in a fleet she was running. She was a bit sad about it, but happy about the battleship kill.

After the Op, I met up with CJ in the Shackled Amarr. I'm glad I asked CJ if she was angry with me, since the answer was no. The day she'd yelled at me she was just trying to figure out what had happened. After I left, while she was listening to Cia tell her side of the story CJ was feeling sorry for me - That I might be better off without her. "She reacted to you being sweet by freaking out".

I tried to tell CJ that it hadn't been Cia's fault. That Cia had had horrible things happen to her ( "So have lots of people, and it's horrible, So?") That I'd been too pushy, too intense. ("She could have asked you to slow down").

CJ said it sounded like I was determined that it was my fault, and the conversation moved on.

Am I? Determined to be at fault? I think I'd rather be at fault than wrong about Cia.

That sounds a bit harsh. I still like Cia. I'm just giving up on the idea of us being more than friends, perhaps more than aquaintances for a long time. If that's because she's too broken then that doesn't make her a bad person.

I've been trying to be civil - friendly even - in corp chat. She's trying too, I can tell. We haven't met face to face again yet, I'm hoping that will work out.

I'd like it to work out.

Reciprocity

I'm taking Matariki to Matar for the day. I have tickets to a Völuvala concert, and we're going to spend some time at Paiho.

Mata thought her daughter would be a clan child. So she could go back to dancing and flying. Could know that someone else was looking after her daughter.

Jonny's working on a nursery room in their new apartment.

Matariki needs some time to think, maybe get used to the idea. Make some decisions. I'm hoping I can help.

It would be nice to pay her back.

Icehouse

Silver sent me a mail asking for a meeting, with the title "Flowers". I suggested a public place and he agreed.

We met at the Shackled Amarr. He was concerned about our working relationship, and felt that it was inappropriate for me to be sending him flowers.

Wait, what?

I showed him the card that had been attached to the flowers he sent me, and he claimed not to have seen it before. We both had flowers and neither of us sent them. He hadn't seen the tabloid article either.

I think the tabloids are setting us up somehow.

KJ came in looking furious again and started drinking at the bar. After my last attempt at talking to him when he's like this, I suggested Silver try to calm him down.

And that we not be seen leaving together.

While I was looking around for reporters or bugs, I saw Cia in one of the booths. She saw me and hid.

Normal. Yeah, right.

She's running a mission op this afternoon. I can't face that.

Day Trip

Today has been up and down. I took Sarakai to Paiho. Showed her the range and introduced her to people in the clan. Uncle Valpy really seemed to like her, especially the way she could shoot. I was a bit worried she'd be overwhelmed by the clan when we got invited to lunch, but she seemed to cope.

Sarakai smiled. Even laughed.

Auntie Yenni hassled me over the tabloid reports about me and Silver. Then she told me that I could bring him home to meet the clan if it were anything serious. Actually, that's when Sara laughed. A joyous laugh, not bitter like the previous time.

I think Sara really liked the day trip. I was feeling happy. At peace. It had been a good day.

When I got back to station there was a mail waiting from Cia.

She wanted to talk. We arranged to meet at Lenfa's in the Bazaar. She was leading a shopping trip there for the alliance as a social occasion.

So I showed up.

She came in. She looked slightly nervous, and I didn't know what to say. She wants to act normal. Pretend we're fine and hope that it all comes right eventually.

Then she left.

Great. What I thought I wanted a week ago, and now why does it feel so painful? I thought I was getting over her, and it feels like a wound opened again.

When I left Lenfa's she was still in the bazaar. She flinched when she saw me.

Act normal my Arse.

Flowers

Got back to my quarters to find two dozen red and pink roses waiting. The card was from Silver Night.

I think he's taking the piss after the tabloid articles.

When I asked Sara if Silver played practical jokes, she said no.

Confusing.

Sarakai

Sara is very reticent. She doesn't expand her answers much. It's very difficult to talk to her for any length of time.

Still, she walked into the Shackled Amarr a few nights ago. I said "Hello". I managed to squeeze words out of her in return.

She said they'd wrapped up the murder investigation on the Ideal. Then laughed at me when I asked whether they'd hand the killer over to the local cops.

At least she laughed, I guess.

I prodded a bit. To try to find out more about her. She works. She sleeps, and she works some more. She goes to the pub and drinks water. To relax, she knits. Or shoots.

She told me that she doesn't really have any friends in the Republic that aren't in her chain of command. She doesn't really have a social life because she doesn't know anyone to socialise with.

She's a sniper by training. At least that's something we could talk about. There's a range at Paiho, though it's a bit shorter than she claims to prefer to shoot at. Perhaps if I ask nicely, I could get it extended for an afternoon. I'm sure that some of the youngsters would like to see some good shooting.

Perhaps I could introduce her to some people.

Time

Conversations with Amieta are usually pretty good. There's still stuff that I don't understand. But she's safe. Well, not safe exactly, but I feel like I can relax around her. She's like an older cousin or something. She knows about the things I know, and I find myself falling easily into conversations about weapons, or blood, or when things go bad. She knows. I don't have to explain.

I asked her if she thought pod pilots were fucked up. She says that pod pilots are really only good for one thing. Killing. And that you can choose whether to kill for a good reason. Or not.

That I have to keep doing that. Killing. Or I might as well retire.

And I like flying too much. I would find it hard to give that up.

I also find myself in conversations with Amieta about women. She doesn't laugh at me. When I tell her what I'm thinking, or what I'm embarrassed about.

Mostly she tells me I'm not unusual. That it will take time, regardless of what I'm talking about. Being lonely. Understanding. Cia.

I know. More or less. That it will take time.

But I want it to be soon.

Good Times

Sitting at her table, eating food she cooked, and looking at her face.

Holding hands walking in the Bazaar.

Holding hands sitting and watching the Sunset over the Huggar Moon.

There were good times.

I will remember them.

Breakfast of Champions

Most mornings recently, I get up in time for my shift and head to the Shackled Amarr for a Quafe. Quite often, Carinelle's been there, winding up her shift, doing her paperwork on her datapad.

She smiles at me, we talk for a while. Then I go out to work for my shift, and Carinelle goes to sleep somewhere.

She's not broken, at least not obviously. There's no pressure not to say the wrong thing. I know she's dating Rocius, so there's no expectation. It's just friends.

I like it.

Yesterdays Parties

K'han said "Ulf, you should have gone to the party"

"I didn't think it was a good idea"

"The longer you put off seeing her, the harder it will get"

"She doesn't want to see me!"

Pilots

"You know KJ, I think a lot of Pod Pilots are a bit fucked up
...
why are you laughing at me?"

KJ thinks we're all fucked up, a lot.

What women want?

Ran into Amieta today. She hasn't been avoiding me, just working hard. Someone got murdered on her ship, and she hasn't figured out who did it yet.

Amieta asked me about life, and I told her. She talked about Cia, and complications, and something she said made me realise. The reason Sarrapis was probably interested in me was that I was smitten by Cia, and not overwhelming Sarrapis with attention. Now that I'm single, all my powers of attraction have obviously faded.

Amieta introduced me to her Chief Tactical Officer, Sarakai Voutelen. Between them they seemed to have a conversation with eyebrows and head movements while including me in a verbal conversation at the same time. I've figured out that there's stuff going on, but I don't know what it is.

Sara seems nice, even if she is a security officer for a job. She doesn't have any family. People shouldn't be alone all the time, so I've invited her to give me a call if she wanted company some time. She's a Sniper by training I think, and has difficulty finding somewhere to practice. Maybe she'd appreciate a trip to Atamahara.

Amieta hasn't seen Cia since the night we broke up either. So she doesn't know how Cia's doing.

Amieta introduced me to another friend of hers - Jack, who has an outrageous accent, and calls Silver "Fred". He's currently working as a salvage pilot in the local area. Silver put him on to Cia I think.

Jack's lost count of the women he's been married to or the number of children he has. Some of them he was married to as a joke when he was drunk. I don't understand. He doesn't take marriage seriously, like it doesn't mean anything to him.

So why does it seem to work?

Lessons in confusion

Anuko walked into the SA Bar, and decided to avoid me. Veren came in and they were very intense for a bit. Eventually she seemed to decide everything was alright, and then Veren left.

I know she wants to avoid me, so I just sat in the corner, trying not to look. She caught me glancing up once.

After five minutes of drinking at the bar with her back to me she turned toward me and yelled "Whatever!" then stormed out.

What did I do wrong this time?

Breathe, Breathe in the Air

It's odd, breaking in a new clone. The tattoos aren't quite in the same places. Small scars are missing. The rotation of the joints is slightly different as I walk. The flesh feels different on my ribs.

And I feel different. They say the pod mechanism captures the brain state, and presumably that includes emotions. I have however felt calmer. Less pained. Almost like a feedback loop has been interrupted, and my emotions allowed to settle.

I haven't heard from Cia or Amieta since the night Cia asked me to leave. Perhaps that's for the best.

CJ called me though. To see how I was after the podding. I was surprised. Confused. I thought she was upset with me over Cia. I still want to ask why. Why she needed to yell at me to leave. Not ask me. It hasn't been the right time yet.

Yesterday I dropped into the Shackled Amarr to find Carinelle and Isobel discussing babies. They asked me a few questions about Matariki and her child, but I think they wanted to know things they didn't want to ask me.

Sarrapis - Anuko - came in. I said hello, but she didn't want to talk to me, and seemed upset that I was there. So I left.

Today, with the new clone, I dropped in and Carinelle was there on her own. I talked a bit, and asked how Anuko was. Annoyed with me, she said. Anuko thought I had lead her on. Taken her on dates when I wasn't available.

For some reason it was important to me to convince Carinelle that I hadn't. That I had been honest. Truthful.

Carinelle tells me that Anuko has beaten her slaver to death and is upset that her toy has broken.

So many pod pilots seem barely functional outside of their pods. Broken. Related to the implants, or a representative sample of the people in the 'verse?

Maybe I'm just normal?

Spatha

The Rapier class vessel Spatha was lost with all hands tonight.

She was coming to the aid of some Alliance ships who were outnumbered in in the Great Wildlands, and asked for a scout out. There was a Sabre, three interceptors and a Typhoon. De-cloaked and scrammed there was no escape.

Five hundred people who put their lives in my hands. Lost.

Makes being podded seem only fair.

Maybe Tomorrow

KJ forgave me. Probably easier than I would have had I been in his pod. Maybe my life isn't completely broken after all?

I went out on a roam. Debes was FC. KJ flew alongside. It was good. Very good.

It felt almost liberating to take risks. To get stuck in. Be reckless. I was side-scouting and thus late to get to a gate, so I got to solo a Hurricane in my Vagabond class ship "Live Fast or Die Young". The Hurricane had escaped the rest of the fleet after they had badly damaged it, but it was a close run thing between my damage output and the gate guns shooting at me.

I killed it. The gate guns hammering my shields to about 10%... it was exhilarating.

I'm trying to get back to old habits. Lifting weights. Shooting. Flying regularly. Doing things other than haunting the bars thinking.

But I don't want to give up all the things I've discovered. I don't want to be the same as I was. Before Cia.

I don't want to be alone forever.

Makes me wanna die

A couple of days ago I walked into the Shackled Amarr and saw CJ, KJ and Cia. While I was thinking of what to do, CJ came up to me, got in my face and told me to get out.

3 options: Let her hit me. Shoot her. Leave.

To be honest, letting her hit me was tempting. Deservèd punishment.

But I looked at Cia, sitting there looking like she'd been crying. I thought of the option that would hurt her least.

So I left.

Today Rocius threatened me. Him and his guards. I half wanted him to hit me, but he didn't.

I'm tired of being the nice guy. The one people think they can threaten without comeback. They seem to think I'm scared. That I care about being hurt. That I do things because they threaten to hurt me.

I went to my locker and got an old grenade out. I carried it around for a few hours. Sat in the bar looking at it and thinking. Was it worth it? Just to change the look on Rocius' face? I was seriously thinking that I wouldn't mind.

It probably wouldn't even kill me. Or whoever provoked it. Med tech is pretty good these days. Get what's left to a med-bay, and stabilise things long enough to at least clone jump.

There'd probably be a lot of pain.

But then, that's not really a change, is it?

Everybody Hurts

Sythra died yesterday. She was KJ's fiancée. She'd disappeared months ago. I thought she'd left him. KJ thinks she was taken, and then destroyed. Permanently.

I didn't know.

Time to stop giving advice.

The show must go on.

Matariki found me in the Shackled Amarr. We talked for a while then went to Matar for a Völuvala concert.

Loud music, lots of sweaty dancing, and breakfast at Uncle Tollo's.

Kin.

And then there was none

It's over.

Mata said that I should write things down to get them straight in my head. So, what have I learned?

Clumsy honesty seems to do more damage than artful deceit.

Letting people in hurts.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

111.08.08b

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, and went to Michels for breakfast, and then the Shackled Amarr for a horrible fruit drink, to try to perk up. Sarr was there, along with some other Gradient pilots.

She has a new name. Anuko Janorra. Veren Fen came back from Amarr space with some records. including a picture of Anuko aged about 5. She has a history now. A family. A clan.

I thought she was happy. Happier than usual anyway. Veren brought back two other things. A head, that used to belong to a slaver, and a live slaver.

Sarrapis is beating the slaver every night before she goes to bed, beating him until her arms are tired and there's blood in the cell, and then for the first time she can remember she sleeps without nightmares.

She called in the trip to a planet I'd promised. I took her to a thunderstorm. There was flashes of lightning, and the body-shaking power of the rolls of thunder. It was fantastic. Sarr ... Anuko, looked like she enjoyed it, and after the worst of the thunder had passed, and we were standing in the rain looking south towards the retreating storm, she kissed me.

It was sweet, and brief, and sort of innocently sexy.

And I had to tell her I wasn't available. That there was someone else. I stumbled out something about a woman who I liked a lot, but wasn't even sure if ....

And Anuko was upset. She wanted to know who, and screamed "Now you tell me"

But didn't she say we were just friends? I've been trying to find the right time to tell her for weeks, and she's always drunk and feeling sorry for herself, or, more rarely, happy and I don't want to spoil it.

She demanded I take her back to station. It was an hour of uncomfortable silence except for the time I tried to tell her that I'd still be her friend. If she wanted.

I watched her walk out of the hangar. Shoulders set. Feeling like I've hurt another person because I don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand anything.

111.08.08

Cia got drunk last night. She was upset - about kin, about me I think, about her father definitely. About choices. About who counts as kin. Amieta tried ordering her watered drinks, and she reacted by drinking faster.

Ami was called away on business, leaving Silver and Cia and me. Cia was really hurting.

I felt useless. There was nothing I could say, everything I tried seemed either to make things worse, or have no effect.

Silver talked her through it. Got her to some peace. She left looking not as pained.

Afterwards he asked if I was involved with Ms Roth...

I had to say I wasn't sure. I hope so.

I know I've hurt her, but I'm not even completely sure how. I've tried to say I'm sorry, but she won't even admit that there's anything to apologise for.

I have to hope she'll sort it out herself, and let me know when I can help.

111.08.07

One of the things Cia has told me is how much it hurt to be podded, to lose her original body and any possibility of having children naturally - she doesn't believe in medical intervention for that.

When I asked Mata about how she chose to make a child with Jonny she said that she'd assumed Jonny would get a fertile clone. But Mata ran out of information quickly - she hadn't needed to find out.

So I called Eva. Eva is a Doctor, I figured she'd know. So I asked her if... if it were possible to get fertile clones. Eva told me that regularly they are rendered sterile through surgical means when they're created, to avoid pod pilots getting pregnant or what have you, but that if you went with a reputable firm, and asked not to have that done, then there was no reason why someone couldn't get pregnant the way people normally do...

Of course, then she asked me why I wanted to know. I stammered a reply about how some people didn't believe that assisted pregnancies were right, and whether if we decided one day, not that we'd decided or anything, but if we did, whether it would be possible.

Eva let me down gently and said I didn't have to explain further. She laughed and said she knew who I'd been dating now and that she was glad about her joining Re-Awakened.

Then she looked into space with a slightly sad smile and said we each deserve a little happiness.

I think she misses Davlos.



Last night I got to tell Cia the news. What Eva told me, about fertile clones.

I think I've made a mistake.

111.08.05

I spent the day feeling good, if somewhat distracted. Cia said she'd be in the Bazaar shopping, and perhaps we could meet there?

Camille and Cia were shopping for furnishings for their new home. Cia was picking pieces that didn't burn the retina. Camille thought they were boring, and that people who disagreed with her were stupid. Cia played the trump card that she had the wallet access and Camille got grumpy.

Camille started explaining to me how Cia was being stupid by not carrying out her plan to make billions of isk and use the money to put TCMCs in everyones heads.

Cia went white and stumbled away. I think the idea of TCMCs makes her remember her father.

Camille's been hurt and scared. She knows that guards don't always work, that you can't trust many people, can't actually be safe. Her solution is to put TCMCs in everyone's heads, so she can stop them hurting her or Cia ever again. I told her that won't work, there's too many people.

I told Cia that Camille needs help. Like the help the clan gives ex-soldiers. And maybe - maybe Cia needs that as well.

Cia shook her head and told me all she needs is time. That she's getting someone for the crew, and Camille, but she doesn't need it herself.

Why don't I believe her?

111.08.04

Cia called. She was running a jump-clone to Lonetrek, but would be back soon. Did I want to meet in Pator? So she could pick up Grace.

Cia called me!

Cia was late. Only a few minutes, but I was chewing my fingernails and pacing around my own living room. She arrived, looking wonderful as usual, and I fumbled around the social niceties. We sat and looked at Grace for a bit - I think Cia likes her - and then Cia asked about home, about Paiho. I told her a bit about the land, and the weather, and she interrupted. Matariki, she said, had suggested she ask about how Atamahara welcomes home it's soldiers.

I told her generalities. That the clan wants to be safe from its ex-soldiers, that sometimes they have to be taught to be safe around other people; to be people. She asked for specifics, what was it like for me. So I told her, part of it. That there were dreams involving blood and piss and knives and terror.

That I'm not like that any more.

And she told me she understood. She already knew I knew; about choices; about consequences.

Then she held me. And told me she had some time before she had to be home, and we went upstairs. And she showed me that she was glad I was back.

She left again later - With two of my crew helping carry Grace - but it didn't feel lonely this time. It felt like there was promise and hope.

I fell asleep smiling.

End of the beginning?

I came back from Patrol feeling refreshed, relaxed almost after 4 straight days in a pod. I sent Cia a mail telling her I was back and reminding her about Grace, but she was busy so I went to visit the Shackled Amarr.

Sarr was there. She was drinking again, and looked a little worse for wear. She told me that Gradient is getting ready to kick her out for rocking the boat, that someone was assigned to investigate her, and her "brother" wasn't looking out for her. I tried to tell her the drink wasn't helping. She doesn't fly in wars, and if she's not flying the only thing she does is drink.

I told her she had to find a goal, and suggested some possible options and reasons. Then I realised that I was trying to convince Sarr because I was trying to convince myself - to find goals. Reasons.

Almost everything has been on hold for the last few weeks because of Cia; but that's shown me that I really didn't have that much to put on hold.

Before Cia I didn't have a goal beyond getting through the week, not getting killed, and amassing enough assets to replace an occasional lost ship. I want more. I need more. I want to actually live my life.

Maybe even live it with Cia.

Beginnings part viii

I was getting ready to go on an extended patrol down in lowsec - live down there for a few days and check out the area. I called Cia to let her know. I reminded her to come and get Grace sometime, and I asked her if she'd decided. Decided whether I could admit that we were together, if we could hold hands in public, or walk arm in arm through the bazaar.

She said yes!

Beginnings part vii

The next day I left a message with Amieta that I wanted to talk again - we met in the same coffee house in Rens - and I asked her about Camille. Amieta told me Camille didn't have the abstract idea of people, only people-she'd-met, and in the light of day I felt like I had over-reacted. I was probably just feeling the effects of the emotional power dive and climb - Camille was just being Camille.

I talked to Ami for a bit longer - she's fun to hang out with - I can talk to her about things that I wouldn't talk to Cia about. She's still radiates a certain amount of vigilance at me, but I think she almost approves of me and Cia.

Matariki came in to Lenfa's and we all chatted. She's had felt the baby move yesterday and was eager to share. I asked her what it was like having to choose to have a child, rather than to let fortune decide. Mata said that she'd assumed Jonny would get a fertile clone and they'd do it that way, but he'd refused for some reason, so they "fooled around" with an old sperm sample while waiting for the medics to get the dna sample viable... and hit first time. Amieta said maybe Mata's daughter should be named "Alpha strike".

Amieta and I both quizzed Mata after her comment about fertile clones - I thought they weren't possible, but Mata seemed to think it was.

Matariki tried to ask questions about me and Cia - with Amieta sitting next to me! Cia had asked me to not talk about it, so I stonewalled her. Amieta and Matariki both seemed to enjoy gently hassling me about Cia. It felt Ok. Good to laugh. Gentle jibes as signs of acceptance.


As we were leaving Lenfa's we ran into Camille and Cia in the Bazaar. I was happy to see her, yet I felt strange - like I was seeing her at a distance and unable to get closer. I didn't like it.

I asked her if she had a plan for when we go to war - what to do, and what to fly. I know she's not happy about the idea, but she has to at least come up with a plan to stay safe. Matariki suggested she could visit Paiho as something to do during a war.

I got a reminder the next day about why Cia might not be ready to go public. I ran into CJ and I'd heard a rumour about her and Kenpachi getting together. So I asked her about it, hoping to be able to congratulate her, or maybe provide some gentle jibes of my own. She looked at me like I'd missed something obvious, and said that she'd crashed on his couch a couple of times, but she wasn't looking for anyone to sleep with - too many bad memories. Then she left in a hurry making excuses about crew calls. I felt stupid. I think it hurt her to explain, and I caused it because I was listening to half formed stories via gossip.

Matariki came around that evening to see Grace. The more I look, the happier I am with her. Mata could tell I wasn't happy. She asked me how things were between me and Cia and I told her I didn't know. When we were alone, it was wonderful, and when we were apart, or in a crowd, I felt a bit lost. Alone.

And I had doubts. About whether Cia wanted this, or whether she was just bad at saying no.

Matariki told me things I already knew. Build good memories. Have lots of great sex. Have no regrets for things you didn't do.

It was nice to be reminded.