Work is less fun than it could be. I've fired a bunch of people for non-performance, and interviewed a couple more that I don't think we can use. Spys have made me more paranoid.
But if I'm too paranoid, we won't hire anyone.
Went to the BIONE party, saw Nelle, and she took me home with her. She has been approached by someone who wants her to be his top. He wants to worship at her feet. I'm not sure what that means. She doesn't sound like she wants him, but that she wants to help him. It's strange. I'm not sure how I should feel about it. She's taking on strays who need help. Is that what she did with me?
I don't think so. I think I've helped her as much as she's helped me. Sometimes she just wants to be held. Sometimes she wants more. I think I've delivered.
Gottii and Ciarente have broken up. I think they got too close or something and she panicked. It seems very familiar. Gottii doesn't want to talk about it, and I don't think Cia does either. I'm trying to be there for them. Cia told me his first name is Jacob. I never knew that. Later he told me that he doesn't like the name, since it was given to him by the Amarr. So I'm back to calling him Gottii.
He invited a bunch of people to his Lodge on Matar. I asked Nelle to come too, and she showed up late. Cia showed up late too, bringing a cake for my birthday. It was... odd. Suddenly there was more tension once Cia arrived, and when Nelle got there it felt awkward. I hope she didn't think they were tense about her. We talked about clans a bit. About how sometimes raising a child in a clan gives you more options. Cia smiled when we talked about how Silver and Ami were being Aunties for Camile. That they were helping raise Camille like a clan would. I think Cia liked that idea.
Mata was feeling sick or something and she went to bed early. Gottii and Cia retired soon as well, to different rooms... Nelle and I shared a bed, and she snuck off early in the morning.
Later, Gottii hassled me in a friendly way about the number of beds that had been slept in. I haven't really been hiding it, but he seemed to think it was good for me. He called me though because he was worried about Eva and KJ. They're happy now, but with one of them the CEO and the other the Alliance Executor, what will happen if they split up? Gottii's not really worried about Eva. But KJ took Sythra's leaving hard. Will he cope if it happens again? Gottii looked slightly haunted when he said that.
I will not tell them they can't try to be happy. They deserve the chance. I hope it works.
Just like I hope Mata is feeling better soon.
20100218
It cuts your life, like a broken knife
Someone finally explained to me what happened in the Shackled Amarr.
Meklon and BT entered, Meklon roughed up the bartender, and BT in his Blooder armour threatened Veranon. When Gradient security personel drew their weapons and commanded them to stop, Meklon drew knives and charged. They fired warning shots. Then they fired to hit. Meklon got a weapon off one of them and shot one of the guards.
That guard died.
Meklon was wounded.
There are pilots saying that BT didn't do anything really wrong. That Meklon was only acting in self defence after they shot first, so that's not a big deal.
The unspoken premiss is that the dead guard; not a pod pilot; that his life didn't really matter.
I have heard claims that pilots have to think that way. That they would go mad if they didn't disregard the suffering they inflict when they destroy a ship, or the suffering endured by their crews when they lose one.
I don't agree.
I have taken on a duty. I do that duty as best I can until I lay it down.
Sometimes the price of that duty is in lives. I do my best not to engage innocents. and to make sure it is my crew that makes it home in one piece.
But I do not pretend that there is no price.
That guard, the one who died, was doing his duty. Putting his life on the line to defend others, no different than I and other EM pilots do when we fly anti-pirate patrol.
I think he waited too long. He should not have fired a warning shot at a man with a knife. He should have shot to kill. But we have lead our crews to think that we are the good guys. We don't shoot first, especially not blues. We don't shoot indiscriminately. Sometimes the price of that forebearance is also in lives.
When I find out his name, I will remember it.
Meklon and BT entered, Meklon roughed up the bartender, and BT in his Blooder armour threatened Veranon. When Gradient security personel drew their weapons and commanded them to stop, Meklon drew knives and charged. They fired warning shots. Then they fired to hit. Meklon got a weapon off one of them and shot one of the guards.
That guard died.
Meklon was wounded.
There are pilots saying that BT didn't do anything really wrong. That Meklon was only acting in self defence after they shot first, so that's not a big deal.
The unspoken premiss is that the dead guard; not a pod pilot; that his life didn't really matter.
I have heard claims that pilots have to think that way. That they would go mad if they didn't disregard the suffering they inflict when they destroy a ship, or the suffering endured by their crews when they lose one.
I don't agree.
I have taken on a duty. I do that duty as best I can until I lay it down.
Sometimes the price of that duty is in lives. I do my best not to engage innocents. and to make sure it is my crew that makes it home in one piece.
But I do not pretend that there is no price.
That guard, the one who died, was doing his duty. Putting his life on the line to defend others, no different than I and other EM pilots do when we fly anti-pirate patrol.
I think he waited too long. He should not have fired a warning shot at a man with a knife. He should have shot to kill. But we have lead our crews to think that we are the good guys. We don't shoot first, especially not blues. We don't shoot indiscriminately. Sometimes the price of that forebearance is also in lives.
When I find out his name, I will remember it.
20100215
Life during wartime
Gottii didn't die. They stabilised him and clone jumped him out. New Clone. Younger look. He looks older though. More serious. Maybe a reminder that immortality doesn't mean that you can't die can make you more serious.
I tracked down an anomaly in our mining system for the miners. I can be useful without having to learn to mine.
Some guy tried to bounce me in a mission in Lustrevik. Twice. The second time I popped him. He showed up later in a typhoon wanting a kill. But I laughed and docked.
Another guy tried to aggress Ciarente, and a bunch of us landed on him. Got point and rounds on target but he extended and got away in low armour.
They're getting more aggressive, trying to taunt people into engaging. We can play that game too.
Matariki saw Jonny. Spent most of the day somewhere in Placid talking. She seems subdued, but when I asked said that they were continuing. That maybe they'd sorted some stuff out that needed to be sorted.
I talked with Bacchanalian - he tried to turn the tables and interrogate me about what EM wants. To figure out a way that we're the bad guys. I think I got our purpose across, and he admitted we're better than CVA, but that's hardly a good starting point, since he's shooting at CVA.
Bacchanalian blew up an EM pilot recently. Altaen. killed his Rupture, and then his pod. Bacch asked if we thought Altaen would want his corpse back.
It's such an odd question. I've been killed ... oh, half a dozen times. I have no idea where the remains are. What happened to them.
If I could, would I want them back? How strange would it be looking at the vacuum frozen face of your own corpse.
Matariki's laughing at a tabloid article about me. I have a new corp title "Relationship counsellor". Maybe that explains why Veranon called me. Siohban insulted someone in Gradient and was told she wasn't welcome. She's going back to Caldari space, and asked Veranon to come with her. To be with her. He kissed her goodbye and wished her a safe trip.
Then he called me to ask for advice. He's still worried about her, but he can't go back to the State.
I don't know what she was trying to do. She was so good at manipulating people, and then seems to have botched a couple of things really badly.
Nelle's back in Providence. Planning and scouting for a patrol she's going to lead. I still think it's a stupid campaign, and I don't need to go to nullsec again; but I want to be there; flying with her.
Her favourite colour is red.
20100213
The first of a million kisses?
Carinelle and I had another date. We were going to go out, but she was tired. It's been a hard week for her.
So I cooked her dinner, and didn't burn it. She sat and sipped a beer and watched me, and we talked. We talked about all sorts of things. She asked about Morar, and I told her about Vikarion.
We talked about Anuko. We talked about BT. We talked about Gina. Nelle thinks Gina's her sister, or maybe half-sister. A slave of an Amarrian pilot called Grrr.
We talked about relationships I know I can't keep you forever. You need a proper Sebiestor wife that gives you children someday.
My Aunties want there to be children. I don't have to be married for that.
I explained clan politics a bit. How Atamahara is matrilocal, that as a pilot, I'm an asset of value, and how if I get married it will probably be for political reasons. Maybe they'd prefer me not to get married.
So, what was that you were going to say about keeping me forever?
Well I might be tempted, ... if it turns out this ain't just a temporary crush.
I'm... I'm not running away from the idea.
And I'm not. It's a blur, a thrill. It's warm and comfortable, and a little bit scary. And I feel at peace when she's in my arms.
But she doesn't really know me. Nor I her.
So, what's your favourite colour? ...
So I cooked her dinner, and didn't burn it. She sat and sipped a beer and watched me, and we talked. We talked about all sorts of things. She asked about Morar, and I told her about Vikarion.
We talked about Anuko. We talked about BT. We talked about Gina. Nelle thinks Gina's her sister, or maybe half-sister. A slave of an Amarrian pilot called Grrr.
We talked about relationships I know I can't keep you forever. You need a proper Sebiestor wife that gives you children someday.
My Aunties want there to be children. I don't have to be married for that.
I explained clan politics a bit. How Atamahara is matrilocal, that as a pilot, I'm an asset of value, and how if I get married it will probably be for political reasons. Maybe they'd prefer me not to get married.
So, what was that you were going to say about keeping me forever?
Well I might be tempted, ... if it turns out this ain't just a temporary crush.
I'm... I'm not running away from the idea.
And I'm not. It's a blur, a thrill. It's warm and comfortable, and a little bit scary. And I feel at peace when she's in my arms.
But she doesn't really know me. Nor I her.
So, what's your favourite colour? ...
It's a nice day to start again
Well, the Morar Shitstorm hit. Seems like some people don't want him to join ReAwakened, and I don't really blame them. Arkady let me know some more information, and I'm less and less comfortable about it all.
Cia still wants it though, and I can't really bring myself to deny her. If it goes wrong, I hope it doesn't do too much damage.
Jonny asked Mata to marry him. She's conflicted. Jonny doesn't really want to be part of the clan, and so she doesn't really know what would be different from what she has now. So many of the marriages we see around fail so quickly that it doesn't seem to be any sort of guarantee of a longer lasting relationship, at least not for pod-pilots.
Maybe it's something he wants because he can see her drifting away and he's trying to hold on? He doesn't seem spend as much time with her any more. Maia is born, and that tie has become less to Mata than it was, since she gave Maia to the clan.
He's invited her away to Placid for a surprise. She's nervous.
What will Jonny do if she says no?
Cia still wants it though, and I can't really bring myself to deny her. If it goes wrong, I hope it doesn't do too much damage.
Jonny asked Mata to marry him. She's conflicted. Jonny doesn't really want to be part of the clan, and so she doesn't really know what would be different from what she has now. So many of the marriages we see around fail so quickly that it doesn't seem to be any sort of guarantee of a longer lasting relationship, at least not for pod-pilots.
Maybe it's something he wants because he can see her drifting away and he's trying to hold on? He doesn't seem spend as much time with her any more. Maia is born, and that tie has become less to Mata than it was, since she gave Maia to the clan.
He's invited her away to Placid for a surprise. She's nervous.
What will Jonny do if she says no?
20100212
Persistance is a virtue
Bacchanalian has decided he wants to sleep with Matariki. She keeps turning him down.
Bacch says his plan is to wear Matariki down, like drips of water on a stone. He says that in a thousand years or so, she'll say yes.
Gottii, playing with the VR in LM 2.0, changed Bacch's avatar to a dripping tap.
Then he started calling him the Millenium Faucet. When he told me, I laughed. Matariki laughed harder.
Ah, Gottii. I'm going to miss him.
Bacch says his plan is to wear Matariki down, like drips of water on a stone. He says that in a thousand years or so, she'll say yes.
Gottii, playing with the VR in LM 2.0, changed Bacch's avatar to a dripping tap.
Then he started calling him the Millenium Faucet. When he told me, I laughed. Matariki laughed harder.
Ah, Gottii. I'm going to miss him.
20100210
It touches and it teases as you stumble in the debris
Nelle called this morning. Just to catch up. We talked a bit about the Meklon debacle, and we made plans for Friday night.
She's going to kick me around some at the gym, and then come back to my place.
I'm going to try to cook something. That could be terrible.
We stared at each other for five minutes, knowing we should end the call, but neither of us wanting to be the one who did. Grinning like fools or silly teenagers.
Finally I did it. I'm looking forward to Friday.
She's going to kick me around some at the gym, and then come back to my place.
I'm going to try to cook something. That could be terrible.
We stared at each other for five minutes, knowing we should end the call, but neither of us wanting to be the one who did. Grinning like fools or silly teenagers.
Finally I did it. I'm looking forward to Friday.
Hey man, you shouldn't do that. Don't you know you'll stain the carpet?
Some of the Gradient pilots are crazy. Veranon Kerger is now sleeping with Siohban, and called me for advice once Meklon found out. I told him to stay out of Meklon's way for a week or two; let him calm down a bit.
But no, Veranon had to take Siohban to the SA for a drink. Is he stupid? Meklon and BT showed up. BT clubbed him, which apparently was about all that stopped Meklon shooting him. Meklon shot at some people and someone shot him. Meklon did a runner, bleeding a lot. A runner straight to Eva's place. He bled all over her apartment and then left before she found him.
Veranon was stupid. And really, if Siohban wanted to end it with Meklon, he should have waited until Siohban had before climbing into bed with her. Thinking with something other than his brain I guess. Unless he has other motives and is being clever.
Or is it Siohban? Is she using Veranon to some other end?
And Meklon, what was he thinking? He's currently blue to us. Does he think he can shoot at our pilots or security staff and not pay a price?
And BT; Simeon. Carinelle likes him; has a history with him. She makes excuses. Says that if he hadn't hit Veranon, Meklon would have killed Veranon. BT is oathsworn to Meklon, and can't raise a hand to him. That's stupid too. But really, wearing Blood Raider armour to the SA to beat someone up? Way to send a message.
BT was put in the brig. Then he escaped, and came back again.
Everytime I get exposed to the intrigue and politics in Gradient, I like Re-Awakened more.
But no, Veranon had to take Siohban to the SA for a drink. Is he stupid? Meklon and BT showed up. BT clubbed him, which apparently was about all that stopped Meklon shooting him. Meklon shot at some people and someone shot him. Meklon did a runner, bleeding a lot. A runner straight to Eva's place. He bled all over her apartment and then left before she found him.
Veranon was stupid. And really, if Siohban wanted to end it with Meklon, he should have waited until Siohban had before climbing into bed with her. Thinking with something other than his brain I guess. Unless he has other motives and is being clever.
Or is it Siohban? Is she using Veranon to some other end?
And Meklon, what was he thinking? He's currently blue to us. Does he think he can shoot at our pilots or security staff and not pay a price?
And BT; Simeon. Carinelle likes him; has a history with him. She makes excuses. Says that if he hadn't hit Veranon, Meklon would have killed Veranon. BT is oathsworn to Meklon, and can't raise a hand to him. That's stupid too. But really, wearing Blood Raider armour to the SA to beat someone up? Way to send a message.
BT was put in the brig. Then he escaped, and came back again.
Everytime I get exposed to the intrigue and politics in Gradient, I like Re-Awakened more.
20100208
When duty calls
I told Matariki. She noted it was complicated, but thought I looked happy.
I am happy.
I talked about maybe showing Carinelle Paiho.
She asked me what I thought the clan would think. Would it interfere with the clan trying to marry me off?
It's not like there's been a line of people asking after me.
Oh, didn't you know? The Cuthill clan put an offer in for you last year. They want an alliance, and having a rich influential pod-pilot in their clan would be good too.
What? Nobody mentioned it to me!
Of course not, it wasn't a good enough offer.
Carinelle and I. It's complicated isn't it. I'm the bit on the side. Entertainment. She feels for me I think, but it's not something I can seriously claim is likely to produce children, or an alliance with another clan.
The Cuthill clan. I can't even remember where their lands are without looking it up. I would have had to move there, at least for a while. Get to know the clan; father at least one child; and use my influence for them outside the clan. They would have some claim on my isk, but then Atamahara does that now. No wonder the offer wasn't good enough. They probably still don't know exactly how much a pod pilot can make.
I wonder if I've even met the woman they wanted to marry me to?
Some clans, they have the woman go to the clans they marry in to. Atamahara sends the men away. It's alright for Matariki, even if she gets married, Paiho will still be her home.
I should have known this would happen some day, but I feel strangely disturbed by it. What if the next offer is better? What if the Aunties say yes? Would I have to give up Carinelle?
I am happy.
I talked about maybe showing Carinelle Paiho.
She asked me what I thought the clan would think. Would it interfere with the clan trying to marry me off?
It's not like there's been a line of people asking after me.
Oh, didn't you know? The Cuthill clan put an offer in for you last year. They want an alliance, and having a rich influential pod-pilot in their clan would be good too.
What? Nobody mentioned it to me!
Of course not, it wasn't a good enough offer.
Carinelle and I. It's complicated isn't it. I'm the bit on the side. Entertainment. She feels for me I think, but it's not something I can seriously claim is likely to produce children, or an alliance with another clan.
The Cuthill clan. I can't even remember where their lands are without looking it up. I would have had to move there, at least for a while. Get to know the clan; father at least one child; and use my influence for them outside the clan. They would have some claim on my isk, but then Atamahara does that now. No wonder the offer wasn't good enough. They probably still don't know exactly how much a pod pilot can make.
I wonder if I've even met the woman they wanted to marry me to?
Some clans, they have the woman go to the clans they marry in to. Atamahara sends the men away. It's alright for Matariki, even if she gets married, Paiho will still be her home.
I should have known this would happen some day, but I feel strangely disturbed by it. What if the next offer is better? What if the Aunties say yes? Would I have to give up Carinelle?
Complications
She invited me to breakfast, to the Shackled Amarr. It started so nicely, holding hands across a table.
She looked nervous for a bit, then asked me to promise her that, if I was unhappy; if she hurt me; I would talk to her. Give her a chance to sort it out. She's Gallente. I'm Matari. We're different. There will be mistakes; pain. But if we try, maybe we can work past that. Keep finding joy.
So I asked her how it worked. What the rules were.
I know she and Rocius are still together, and that he knows about me and Carinelle. Well, will know. What did she want from me? Not that there's been a line of women asking to drag me home, but if there was?
I'm still confused at her answer. She told me how her and Roc work, but said that she'd be happy to be exclusive to the two of us. And that she's not so wedded to her freedom that if she was with someone who wanted her all to themselves she wouldn't consider it.
She asked me again to promise to tell her if she hurt me, or if I was unhappy.
So I promised.
Then some Gradient pilots started coming in after their shift, with them came Meklon and Siohban. After a few minutes only Meklon And Siohban remained.
Siohban apparently knows BT, and Carinelle and BT had had an argument, and Siohban was trying to get Nelle to talk to BT, to sort things out.
Siohban is a member of the Caldari militia. They're technically at war with the Republic. Yet here she was, docked at a station in Pator!
I suggested that maybe this wasn't the best place for her. That she couldn't fight against the Republic for her day job, and come here for entertainment. That choices have consequences.
Meklon tried to come over all tough. The little threats that aren't quite enough to justify any response, perhaps leading to escalation and a fight. So I skipped all the escalation shit, and shot him in the face.
No, I didn't. But I thought about it.
Instead I told him to fuck off, and left. Meklon blustering at my back.
BT walked in as I got to the door and asked if there was a problem, looking at me in a way that suggested that he'd be happy to pummel me if there was.
I had to choose. Look hard or look down. I was tired of backing down so I said I didn't have a problem, did he? I just waited, passively, for him to decide if he wanted to push it. Before anything could happen though, Siohban ran over and wrapped her arms around him.
I left.
Carinelle caught up to me outside. She asked if I had caused a scene because of her? No. Meklon could annoy me all on his own without me thinking about his affect on her.
Siohban is not a simple case. I want to dislike her, but she's basically nice. Just on the other side. Carinelle feels the same. It would be easier if she was just the enemy.
Meklon however, I could dislike with hardly any work at all.
While we were talking, my datapad told me I had mail from Siohban - asking me to come back, and bring Nelle with me. Please. Nelle got one too. Then I got another telling me she'd made Meklon promise to be polite.
I told her I just didn't want to deal with him. Then she apologised, although I'm not sure why.
Nelle owed it to BT to try to talk to him again, even if only to organise a time to have a private talk.
I went off to work.
An hour later she called me sounding stressed. She wanted a drink somewhere that wasn't the SA. I suggested my place, and climbed into my stilleto to rush back as fast as I could.
She needed a hug. The talk with BT hadn't gone well. I listened as she told me about BT; Simeon; and it came to me that she doesn't see the scars on people's hearts. Maybe if she waits till the latest scar on Simeon's heart wasn't put there by her, she'll have more luck talking with him. He used to be with her, and she broke him. That's why she wants me to tell her if she hurts me.
I held her while she squeezed out all the pain and stress.
I asked her if she wanted a drink now, and she said she didn't need it. I had driven away her bad mood. She laughed and said that BT wad getting a much easier time of it with Nelle because I kept cheering her up.
And then, because she was cheerful, she asked me if she could keep me away from work for just a little while longer...
She looked nervous for a bit, then asked me to promise her that, if I was unhappy; if she hurt me; I would talk to her. Give her a chance to sort it out. She's Gallente. I'm Matari. We're different. There will be mistakes; pain. But if we try, maybe we can work past that. Keep finding joy.
So I asked her how it worked. What the rules were.
I know she and Rocius are still together, and that he knows about me and Carinelle. Well, will know. What did she want from me? Not that there's been a line of women asking to drag me home, but if there was?
I'm still confused at her answer. She told me how her and Roc work, but said that she'd be happy to be exclusive to the two of us. And that she's not so wedded to her freedom that if she was with someone who wanted her all to themselves she wouldn't consider it.
She asked me again to promise to tell her if she hurt me, or if I was unhappy.
So I promised.
Then some Gradient pilots started coming in after their shift, with them came Meklon and Siohban. After a few minutes only Meklon And Siohban remained.
Siohban apparently knows BT, and Carinelle and BT had had an argument, and Siohban was trying to get Nelle to talk to BT, to sort things out.
Siohban is a member of the Caldari militia. They're technically at war with the Republic. Yet here she was, docked at a station in Pator!
I suggested that maybe this wasn't the best place for her. That she couldn't fight against the Republic for her day job, and come here for entertainment. That choices have consequences.
Meklon tried to come over all tough. The little threats that aren't quite enough to justify any response, perhaps leading to escalation and a fight. So I skipped all the escalation shit, and shot him in the face.
No, I didn't. But I thought about it.
Instead I told him to fuck off, and left. Meklon blustering at my back.
BT walked in as I got to the door and asked if there was a problem, looking at me in a way that suggested that he'd be happy to pummel me if there was.
I had to choose. Look hard or look down. I was tired of backing down so I said I didn't have a problem, did he? I just waited, passively, for him to decide if he wanted to push it. Before anything could happen though, Siohban ran over and wrapped her arms around him.
I left.
Carinelle caught up to me outside. She asked if I had caused a scene because of her? No. Meklon could annoy me all on his own without me thinking about his affect on her.
Siohban is not a simple case. I want to dislike her, but she's basically nice. Just on the other side. Carinelle feels the same. It would be easier if she was just the enemy.
Meklon however, I could dislike with hardly any work at all.
While we were talking, my datapad told me I had mail from Siohban - asking me to come back, and bring Nelle with me. Please. Nelle got one too. Then I got another telling me she'd made Meklon promise to be polite.
I told her I just didn't want to deal with him. Then she apologised, although I'm not sure why.
Nelle owed it to BT to try to talk to him again, even if only to organise a time to have a private talk.
I went off to work.
An hour later she called me sounding stressed. She wanted a drink somewhere that wasn't the SA. I suggested my place, and climbed into my stilleto to rush back as fast as I could.
She needed a hug. The talk with BT hadn't gone well. I listened as she told me about BT; Simeon; and it came to me that she doesn't see the scars on people's hearts. Maybe if she waits till the latest scar on Simeon's heart wasn't put there by her, she'll have more luck talking with him. He used to be with her, and she broke him. That's why she wants me to tell her if she hurts me.
I held her while she squeezed out all the pain and stress.
I asked her if she wanted a drink now, and she said she didn't need it. I had driven away her bad mood. She laughed and said that BT wad getting a much easier time of it with Nelle because I kept cheering her up.
And then, because she was cheerful, she asked me if she could keep me away from work for just a little while longer...
20100206
For today, I remember your smile
Today I'm older. Officially. More responsible perhaps? Last night I took Carinelle out to dinner. It went well. Really well.
She is interesting to talk to; She asks interesting questions; she answers my questions in interesting ways; and she looked really nice in her dress.
Whenever I started to get nervous, she had just the right way of reassuring me; yet it wasn't all one way. We're supporting each other. She's had a lot of stress recently, and I think I help with that.
The food was great. The atmosphere very cosy. The conversation was at times light and at other times serious. Important. It feels like we are getting to know each other at different levels; both surface and deeper.
I told her about Paiho. About my Clan, about growing up. She might be interested in visiting Paiho sometime, although she's a bit wary of the Aunties.
She told me about life as a station brat, about moving around all the time and not making many friends.
She has become harder since she became a pilot. I've become softer. We are not so different now.
I invited her back to my place. Offered her a place to stay just as a friend, or as a see what happens sort of thing. She smiled and chose the latter option.
I took her home. Wasn't really sure what to do next, so I put some music on; opened some champagne. She asked me to dance. It was sweet. Sexy. Right.
Then she asked me to carry her upstairs...
Afterward, she poked at my tattoos, and asked about their meanings. We talked about the wolf-jaw mark, and wondered what voluval mark she might get if she did it.
We talked about tomorrow. About how if it went well, we might try again the day after, and if that worked, the day after...
We fell asleep tangled in each others arms, and woke up the same way. My heart feels lightened somehow by that. I know that she's not mine. That this won't last longer than it is fun for both of us. But it is fun for both of us. At least for today.
And for today, that's enough.
She is interesting to talk to; She asks interesting questions; she answers my questions in interesting ways; and she looked really nice in her dress.
Whenever I started to get nervous, she had just the right way of reassuring me; yet it wasn't all one way. We're supporting each other. She's had a lot of stress recently, and I think I help with that.
The food was great. The atmosphere very cosy. The conversation was at times light and at other times serious. Important. It feels like we are getting to know each other at different levels; both surface and deeper.
I told her about Paiho. About my Clan, about growing up. She might be interested in visiting Paiho sometime, although she's a bit wary of the Aunties.
She told me about life as a station brat, about moving around all the time and not making many friends.
She has become harder since she became a pilot. I've become softer. We are not so different now.
I invited her back to my place. Offered her a place to stay just as a friend, or as a see what happens sort of thing. She smiled and chose the latter option.
I took her home. Wasn't really sure what to do next, so I put some music on; opened some champagne. She asked me to dance. It was sweet. Sexy. Right.
Then she asked me to carry her upstairs...
Afterward, she poked at my tattoos, and asked about their meanings. We talked about the wolf-jaw mark, and wondered what voluval mark she might get if she did it.
We talked about tomorrow. About how if it went well, we might try again the day after, and if that worked, the day after...
We fell asleep tangled in each others arms, and woke up the same way. My heart feels lightened somehow by that. I know that she's not mine. That this won't last longer than it is fun for both of us. But it is fun for both of us. At least for today.
And for today, that's enough.
20100205
And I held her in my arms
I went to the Shackled Amarr for breakfast today. Carinelle showed up. Confirmed plans for dinner. She was a bit upset about some of her Gradient wingmates and Siohban. She said she needed a hug from a friend. I held her tight willing her to feel my support.
I told her that, if she needed me to be just a friend, then I could do that.
Carinelle told me that she wanted me to be at least a friend.
She kissed me.
I'm having difficulty paying attention to my work today.
I told her that, if she needed me to be just a friend, then I could do that.
Carinelle told me that she wanted me to be at least a friend.
She kissed me.
I'm having difficulty paying attention to my work today.
Us and them
I've been talking to a young pilot called Siohban in the EM public channels. She's very young. Naïve. I tried to convince her to leave her master and move to the republic. To be free. She's a pilot, they're hard to cage. But she likes it. Feels like she owes service or something.
Carinelle and I met her in person at the Last Gate. She came on the arm of Meklon, who used to be an executor of EM and Eva's husband. Meklon and Siohban seemed pretty smitten.
Carinelle had been pretty close to making a friend of Siohban, partly because she remembers Meklon fondly. Then she found out Siohban had joined a Corp in the Caldari militia, raiding Federation space; shooting at Carinelle's people. She feels a little betrayed. When she mentioned that to some in Gradient, they didn't give her quite as much sympathy as she expected.
I've had pleasant enough chats with people who were red to me, though often a little tense, and usually in a neutral venue.
Siohban seems to want to be our friend, and our enemy at the same time. I don't think life works like that.
Carinelle and I met her in person at the Last Gate. She came on the arm of Meklon, who used to be an executor of EM and Eva's husband. Meklon and Siohban seemed pretty smitten.
Carinelle had been pretty close to making a friend of Siohban, partly because she remembers Meklon fondly. Then she found out Siohban had joined a Corp in the Caldari militia, raiding Federation space; shooting at Carinelle's people. She feels a little betrayed. When she mentioned that to some in Gradient, they didn't give her quite as much sympathy as she expected.
I've had pleasant enough chats with people who were red to me, though often a little tense, and usually in a neutral venue.
Siohban seems to want to be our friend, and our enemy at the same time. I don't think life works like that.
You're the reason I'm leaving
I dropped in on the Shackled Amarr on the chance Carinelle would be there. She wasn't but there was a new Gradient pilot I hadn't met. Before I could go and introduce myself Anuko walked in.
She looked sober, which was good; but she looked nervous. Scared. She wouldn't get too close to me.
I asked if I could buy her a drink, not the smartest move in the cluster on reflection, but she said no, I couldn't. I don't know if this means she isn't drinking anymore or just that she isn't accepting drinks from me.
She introduced me to the new Gradieng pilot. Veranon Kerger, a Caldari who doesn't like the Amarr much.
He picked up quite quickly that there was something up between me and Anuko. He was trying to get us to talk about it and clear the air.
He's been in Gradient less than a month and he wants to fix things he doesn't understand. Shit, he wants to fix things I don't understand.
Anuko went to the bar and gulped a large glass of something to wash down a pill. Then she came back to the table looking calm. Drugged. Mr Kerger tried again to get us to explain; talk about it; sort things out.
I wasn't about to discuss my personal issues with Anuko in front of someone I met 10 minutes beforehand. Especially if she wasn't happy about it.
She said in a flat voice that we should continue. She didn't care. I said I preferred her company not dulled by drugs or booze.
She said she was drinking water, and the pills were prescribed; that I was flattering myself to think it had anything to do with me.
Regardless of how calm she looked, there was something wrong there. I don't think I broke Anuko. I think she was broken before I met her. But now I can't even be near her without making it worse. So I left.
I hope she finds happiness one day. But I can't help her find it.
She looked sober, which was good; but she looked nervous. Scared. She wouldn't get too close to me.
I asked if I could buy her a drink, not the smartest move in the cluster on reflection, but she said no, I couldn't. I don't know if this means she isn't drinking anymore or just that she isn't accepting drinks from me.
She introduced me to the new Gradieng pilot. Veranon Kerger, a Caldari who doesn't like the Amarr much.
He picked up quite quickly that there was something up between me and Anuko. He was trying to get us to talk about it and clear the air.
He's been in Gradient less than a month and he wants to fix things he doesn't understand. Shit, he wants to fix things I don't understand.
Anuko went to the bar and gulped a large glass of something to wash down a pill. Then she came back to the table looking calm. Drugged. Mr Kerger tried again to get us to explain; talk about it; sort things out.
I wasn't about to discuss my personal issues with Anuko in front of someone I met 10 minutes beforehand. Especially if she wasn't happy about it.
She said in a flat voice that we should continue. She didn't care. I said I preferred her company not dulled by drugs or booze.
She said she was drinking water, and the pills were prescribed; that I was flattering myself to think it had anything to do with me.
Regardless of how calm she looked, there was something wrong there. I don't think I broke Anuko. I think she was broken before I met her. But now I can't even be near her without making it worse. So I left.
I hope she finds happiness one day. But I can't help her find it.
20100203
I'm so happy for you, I could cry
Did an anti-pirate patrol with Gottii and Challis. Managed to get a pirate Taranis into half armour before he jumped and ran away. The rest of lowsec was pretty empty, except for a Thanatos, which we weren't going to tangle with. I like flying with Gottii, and three Vagabonds all temporarily flying with the same name was sort of funny.
Afterwards, Gottii and I met at the Shackled Amarr. Cia was there too, and K'han.
It was pretty obvious Gottii and Cia were " together"; at least for the moment. Cia is looking happy. I asked if Gottii was the reason and she said yes, she supposed it was.
Ah, Gottii. I think he's a nice guy and I have no right to be sad about it; and I can't really be angry. They both looked happy. I hope it works out.
After a few minutes, they started whispering in each others ears and looking so happy; joyous.
I mean, I can try to be happy for them, but I'm not sure I can watch at the moment. I had to leave.
Is that so unreasonable?
Afterwards, Gottii and I met at the Shackled Amarr. Cia was there too, and K'han.
It was pretty obvious Gottii and Cia were " together"; at least for the moment. Cia is looking happy. I asked if Gottii was the reason and she said yes, she supposed it was.
Ah, Gottii. I think he's a nice guy and I have no right to be sad about it; and I can't really be angry. They both looked happy. I hope it works out.
After a few minutes, they started whispering in each others ears and looking so happy; joyous.
I mean, I can try to be happy for them, but I'm not sure I can watch at the moment. I had to leave.
Is that so unreasonable?
20100130
Beside you while you sleep
There's a pleasure that I get from watching people sleep. Especially women *. There's a relaxation in their face that makes them more beautiful, and a peace that comes from the rhythm of their breathing.
It's been a long time since I felt that. Cia never stayed; never let me see her completely relaxed.
Carinelle did. She was sad and lonely, and tired. And I asked her to stay. Well, offered to let her have the bed while I slept on the couch. But she argued for a bit, and we ended up sharing the bed. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, and I got to enjoy watching her breathe.
I fell asleep next to her. That's not something I've done often before, and I woke up with her snuggled up tight against me; warm and soft; looking young and beautiful with her makeup off, and tired - drained maybe.
She woke up after 6 or 7 hours sleep, and smiled. She kissed me, and offered more; but I wasn't sure. We talked about what we wanted.
Nelle's a bit confused and lonely I think. Maybe she wanted to distract herself with someone. I could have been that someone. She says she doesn't want to hurt me.
How did I feel? I wanted her, but it felt better not to. I want to be her friend more than anything else. I'd offered her a place to sleep, just sleep. And doing more would have made the offer cheaper - just a pickup line; not an offer of comfort from a friend who wasn't trying to get into her pants.
That was before I discovered that she wasn't wearing any.
She kissed me again, and it was... nice. Exciting. Lustful. And then she said I had no idea how hard this was; she got up; got dressed; Kissed me on the top of my head and left with a smile.
She called me later; to tell me that she'd enjoyed it; didn't regret staying, and joked about regretting leaving.
We're going to do dinner next week. Talk. See what happens.
* (Men seem to just drool into their pillows)
It's been a long time since I felt that. Cia never stayed; never let me see her completely relaxed.
Carinelle did. She was sad and lonely, and tired. And I asked her to stay. Well, offered to let her have the bed while I slept on the couch. But she argued for a bit, and we ended up sharing the bed. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, and I got to enjoy watching her breathe.
I fell asleep next to her. That's not something I've done often before, and I woke up with her snuggled up tight against me; warm and soft; looking young and beautiful with her makeup off, and tired - drained maybe.
She woke up after 6 or 7 hours sleep, and smiled. She kissed me, and offered more; but I wasn't sure. We talked about what we wanted.
Nelle's a bit confused and lonely I think. Maybe she wanted to distract herself with someone. I could have been that someone. She says she doesn't want to hurt me.
How did I feel? I wanted her, but it felt better not to. I want to be her friend more than anything else. I'd offered her a place to sleep, just sleep. And doing more would have made the offer cheaper - just a pickup line; not an offer of comfort from a friend who wasn't trying to get into her pants.
That was before I discovered that she wasn't wearing any.
She kissed me again, and it was... nice. Exciting. Lustful. And then she said I had no idea how hard this was; she got up; got dressed; Kissed me on the top of my head and left with a smile.
She called me later; to tell me that she'd enjoyed it; didn't regret staying, and joked about regretting leaving.
We're going to do dinner next week. Talk. See what happens.
* (Men seem to just drool into their pillows)
20100126
Day of names
Maia has had her naming day. Then there was the after-party. Jonny organised it for the Last Gate.
EM sort of invaded to celebrate. The room filled up, and even the host himself, Ethan Verone, decided to join us. For a notorious pirate he seemed to get on really well with Eva and KJ, and said that he regretted Elsebeth couldn't make it
Elsebeth. She's so proper that I find it hard to see her associating with a pirate like Verone. I mean Eva, sure - we are the dodgy ones after all - but Elsebeth?
Matariki and Jonny got a lot of gifts. Or rather, Maia did. There was quite a stack of them. Many of them were surprisingly touching. Pod-pilots remembering back to their childhoods and giving things that meant something to them. Some things that weren't replaceable. I don't think they are all as divorced from the mortal world as some would like to claim; or maybe they don't think they'll have children so are looking for other people's to give heirlooms to.
Maia made an appearance over a large screen holo link from Paiho. Maia yawned and burbled and faces in the crowd watched fascinated. It was interesting watching those faces as they looked at her. Some were looking quite touched. Maybe instead of destruction, creation could be attractive to them after all.
EM sort of invaded to celebrate. The room filled up, and even the host himself, Ethan Verone, decided to join us. For a notorious pirate he seemed to get on really well with Eva and KJ, and said that he regretted Elsebeth couldn't make it
Elsebeth. She's so proper that I find it hard to see her associating with a pirate like Verone. I mean Eva, sure - we are the dodgy ones after all - but Elsebeth?
Matariki and Jonny got a lot of gifts. Or rather, Maia did. There was quite a stack of them. Many of them were surprisingly touching. Pod-pilots remembering back to their childhoods and giving things that meant something to them. Some things that weren't replaceable. I don't think they are all as divorced from the mortal world as some would like to claim; or maybe they don't think they'll have children so are looking for other people's to give heirlooms to.
Maia made an appearance over a large screen holo link from Paiho. Maia yawned and burbled and faces in the crowd watched fascinated. It was interesting watching those faces as they looked at her. Some were looking quite touched. Maybe instead of destruction, creation could be attractive to them after all.
20100121
Free, to do what I want, any old time
Matariki had recommended that I drop in on La Maison sometime to meet new people. It's a virtual bar with a lot of isk spent on the VR so it's very real.
Matariki was there when I dropped by. She introduced me to a pilot who goes by the call-sign Bacchanalian. He's a Freespacer who flies with Rote Kapelle.
He's a psychopath. I asked some questions about freespacer philosophy and he couldn't explain what he wanted, except to use words in non-standard ways. "When you accept the truth, you'll understand" he said, several times.
I think he flies around shooting people in the hopes they too will become psychopaths and join him.
He has no regard for non-podders, and precious little for most podders. He thinks he's immortal, but I don't think he realises how much of the infrastructure that he relies on for his immortality is built and maintained by non-podders.
"So? They can be bought or coerced into doing what I want, and we'll be able to replace them with automation soon"
But he's very charming.
Matariki was there when I dropped by. She introduced me to a pilot who goes by the call-sign Bacchanalian. He's a Freespacer who flies with Rote Kapelle.
He's a psychopath. I asked some questions about freespacer philosophy and he couldn't explain what he wanted, except to use words in non-standard ways. "When you accept the truth, you'll understand" he said, several times.
I think he flies around shooting people in the hopes they too will become psychopaths and join him.
He has no regard for non-podders, and precious little for most podders. He thinks he's immortal, but I don't think he realises how much of the infrastructure that he relies on for his immortality is built and maintained by non-podders.
"So? They can be bought or coerced into doing what I want, and we'll be able to replace them with automation soon"
But he's very charming.
20100120
Depressed yes, Sad no!
The war is over. I'm feeling somehow bereft of purpose. If someone tells me to do something then that's easy, I do that.
I'm having difficulty thinking of things I want to do.
I tried flying some missions for the Sebiestor Tribe Bureau. It's a bit silly that the Brutor Tribe Bureau gives me more discounts than the Sebiestor. I felt tired at the end of it. Flying the typhoon just feels so slow. Lumbering. Most of my flying in the last couple of months has been in Rifters or Thrashers, and they feel so much more rewarding in their freedom of flight.
I went to the Last Gate last night. Hung around for a while, but it was practically empty. I think the staff were getting ready for the breakfast shift or something. Sat around for an hour and then decided to head back home.
Eva and KJ are being sweet. I'm happy for them, and I think they enjoy teasing me. I log on to a command channel and they pretend that I've just interupted something. At least I hope they're pretending or I'm interupting them almost all the time.
Eva seems happier than I've ever seen her. She's also around a lot more, instead of being off researching in her private lab alone. It's nice. The Corp is feeling more centered on her again, and I like that.
KJ also looks more relaxed. More at ease with himself. I suspect they really are suited to each other.
Strangely it makes me feel more alone. I haven't seen Sara in a month. I took Te Kahu to the End Of The War party. I think she enjoyed it as a social outing, but I haven't heard from her since. She was making noises about joining Gradient.
I need to do something. But I'm not sure what. Strangely, I've been thinking back to my time in the militia fondly. That would mean leaving Re-Aw though, and I don't like that idea at the moment.
I will make no large decisions right now. It's not entirely safe. I will try to get out more.
I will survive.
I'm having difficulty thinking of things I want to do.
I tried flying some missions for the Sebiestor Tribe Bureau. It's a bit silly that the Brutor Tribe Bureau gives me more discounts than the Sebiestor. I felt tired at the end of it. Flying the typhoon just feels so slow. Lumbering. Most of my flying in the last couple of months has been in Rifters or Thrashers, and they feel so much more rewarding in their freedom of flight.
I went to the Last Gate last night. Hung around for a while, but it was practically empty. I think the staff were getting ready for the breakfast shift or something. Sat around for an hour and then decided to head back home.
Eva and KJ are being sweet. I'm happy for them, and I think they enjoy teasing me. I log on to a command channel and they pretend that I've just interupted something. At least I hope they're pretending or I'm interupting them almost all the time.
Eva seems happier than I've ever seen her. She's also around a lot more, instead of being off researching in her private lab alone. It's nice. The Corp is feeling more centered on her again, and I like that.
KJ also looks more relaxed. More at ease with himself. I suspect they really are suited to each other.
Strangely it makes me feel more alone. I haven't seen Sara in a month. I took Te Kahu to the End Of The War party. I think she enjoyed it as a social outing, but I haven't heard from her since. She was making noises about joining Gradient.
I need to do something. But I'm not sure what. Strangely, I've been thinking back to my time in the militia fondly. That would mean leaving Re-Aw though, and I don't like that idea at the moment.
I will make no large decisions right now. It's not entirely safe. I will try to get out more.
I will survive.
20100114
20100111
Graft vs Host
Ciarente got sick, and accidentally shot at a corp mate during an operation. She was barely able to dock and wouldn't answer comms.
Ami dragged me along to find out what happened, and I had to pull rank on Cia's crew to get them to let us on board. I didn't like that. But if I hadn't Cia might have died- she was that sick.
Cia was dying - graft vs host disease. But the doctors caught it in time; barely.
She's in a new clone, but one of the old ones. Tired all the time. Dying.
Ami dragged me along to find out what happened, and I had to pull rank on Cia's crew to get them to let us on board. I didn't like that. But if I hadn't Cia might have died- she was that sick.
Cia was dying - graft vs host disease. But the doctors caught it in time; barely.
She's in a new clone, but one of the old ones. Tired all the time. Dying.
20100110
After the war
We joined the war to defend our worlds. We seem to have helped. Now no system that had been Matari is still held by the Amarr. We are leaving; rejoining the Electus Matari so that we don't lose the feeling of being in the alliance.
So of course, now the Alliance is in another war. This time vs a pirate corp that joined the Matari militia to try and get plausibility. That hadn't stopped them shooting other militia groups though, so they are more dangerous to our militia than some Mary attackers.
It's all business as usual.
So of course, now the Alliance is in another war. This time vs a pirate corp that joined the Matari militia to try and get plausibility. That hadn't stopped them shooting other militia groups though, so they are more dangerous to our militia than some Mary attackers.
It's all business as usual.
20100107
New Years...
The New year's party was interesting to a point. It was the first time I've had a chance to socialize with Eva in more than six months and it was fun.
In the middle of it, KJ kissed her. Seemed to surprise her. She didn't seem upset though, but then she spent the rest of the night with KJ trying to figure out what it meant.
I felt a bit cheated. But KJ has bloomed since and they both look so happy that I feel like a bastard for feeling that way. They are being like teenagers, they can't keep their hands off each other. It's kind of sweet really.
In the middle of it, KJ kissed her. Seemed to surprise her. She didn't seem upset though, but then she spent the rest of the night with KJ trying to figure out what it meant.
I felt a bit cheated. But KJ has bloomed since and they both look so happy that I feel like a bastard for feeling that way. They are being like teenagers, they can't keep their hands off each other. It's kind of sweet really.
20091219
Lies and Choices
Cia is lying to me. She says she's fine. That she's fixing her make up. I know that it's not.
But it's her life. I have no claim on her. I will not force my aid on her.
If she wants to tell me she's fine when she's not, then that's her choice. I understand appearances.
I just hope that, if I can help, she doesn't leave it too late to ask me.
But it's her life. I have no claim on her. I will not force my aid on her.
If she wants to tell me she's fine when she's not, then that's her choice. I understand appearances.
I just hope that, if I can help, she doesn't leave it too late to ask me.
20091206
Politics
Sometimes, the most uncontroversial things can blow up. Gerrard DuNord, CEO of the Rough Riders, lobbied to have the alliance standing orders changed to let any director of any corp discipline any alliance member for being rude in the alliance private channels. This seemed to come about because when he tried to discipline someone in Gradient, they told him to pull his head in. He didn't like being ignored.
Well, if I wanted Gerrard to have authority over me, I would have joined the Rough Riders, and there were a few people who agreed. The alliance forums got a bit heated. Gahrian resigned as a director of the Rough Riders in protest at Gerrard's proposal being rushed through. Gerrard resigned as CEO. Gahrian accepted the position of CEO of the Rough Riders. I may have been a bit... forceful in suggesting that we were not a military organisation, and that nobody but Eva or my clan, not even Rocius the executor, could give me orders - just suggestions.
Elsebeth thinks it was a plot by Re-Awakened to remove Gerrard. I had tried chatting to her about trying to stop the heated comments damaging the alliance. She seemed sure that EM would go on, but was disappointed in ReAw.
I'm confused. She seemed to think Eva did it - apparently there's been some bad blood between Eva and Gerrard. But I was one of the vocal opposition and Eva's never talked to me about Gerrard. I don't think Eva's been around to talk to anyone else, except maybe Killjoy and he hasn't talked about it.
When I told Elsebeth that, she said obviously it was so subtly done, using an atmosphere of distrust, that I wasn't aware of it... She seemed incredulous that we would be unaware that we were being played.
And then she said she didn't blame Eva. That had she been in her position...
And then she told me no more, except for a cryptic comment "Any price". I asked what she meant, and she asked me would I betray a friend to save the Republic. I said no. She said I was a better person than her. I said perhaps a worse patriot.
Now I'm filled with doubt. Dark thoughts. Questions. Was Eva playing me? I don't think so; I may be oblivious to some things, but not forever, and not usually after it's pointed out. Was Elsebeth trying to play me after the fact? Maybe. Perhaps it suits her for ReAw to take the blame for something she wanted to happen?
From here it looked more like Gahrian put the screws on to Gerrard to get him to step down. Did Elsebeth organise that? What did Gerrard do to Evanda? And if Elsebeth thought Evanda would be at least somewhat justified, why is she upset? Did Elsebeth throw Gerrard away as the price of getting Eva back on side? Is that what she meant by "Any Price"?
Suddenly there's a new world opening up. A world of calculation behind every comment. Questioning of every motive. Distrust of every action.
I don't like it.
Well, if I wanted Gerrard to have authority over me, I would have joined the Rough Riders, and there were a few people who agreed. The alliance forums got a bit heated. Gahrian resigned as a director of the Rough Riders in protest at Gerrard's proposal being rushed through. Gerrard resigned as CEO. Gahrian accepted the position of CEO of the Rough Riders. I may have been a bit... forceful in suggesting that we were not a military organisation, and that nobody but Eva or my clan, not even Rocius the executor, could give me orders - just suggestions.
Elsebeth thinks it was a plot by Re-Awakened to remove Gerrard. I had tried chatting to her about trying to stop the heated comments damaging the alliance. She seemed sure that EM would go on, but was disappointed in ReAw.
I'm confused. She seemed to think Eva did it - apparently there's been some bad blood between Eva and Gerrard. But I was one of the vocal opposition and Eva's never talked to me about Gerrard. I don't think Eva's been around to talk to anyone else, except maybe Killjoy and he hasn't talked about it.
When I told Elsebeth that, she said obviously it was so subtly done, using an atmosphere of distrust, that I wasn't aware of it... She seemed incredulous that we would be unaware that we were being played.
And then she said she didn't blame Eva. That had she been in her position...
And then she told me no more, except for a cryptic comment "Any price". I asked what she meant, and she asked me would I betray a friend to save the Republic. I said no. She said I was a better person than her. I said perhaps a worse patriot.
Now I'm filled with doubt. Dark thoughts. Questions. Was Eva playing me? I don't think so; I may be oblivious to some things, but not forever, and not usually after it's pointed out. Was Elsebeth trying to play me after the fact? Maybe. Perhaps it suits her for ReAw to take the blame for something she wanted to happen?
From here it looked more like Gahrian put the screws on to Gerrard to get him to step down. Did Elsebeth organise that? What did Gerrard do to Evanda? And if Elsebeth thought Evanda would be at least somewhat justified, why is she upset? Did Elsebeth throw Gerrard away as the price of getting Eva back on side? Is that what she meant by "Any Price"?
Suddenly there's a new world opening up. A world of calculation behind every comment. Questioning of every motive. Distrust of every action.
I don't like it.
20091126
The burdens of leadership
Being promoted isn't all good. People are looking to me to organise things. Asking me for things to do.
I'm setting up some manufacturing, if you can say I'm setting it up when I don't actually do any of the manufacturing. And people seem to be getting involved. I just need to keep thinking of things they can help with faster than they can do them. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to do it myself than get organised enough to delegate it.
The Privateers withdrew their half of the mutual war, and they're very hard to find in the Republic now. The war should end in a couple of days. Without targets, I'm not too disappointed.
Cia is looking better. I don't know if that's just a new clone or whether Nerila has made progress. Cia has announced a mission op for the weekend, so she might be feeling better, but it might just be that the war will be over.
Saw Sarakai for the first time in a few weeks. Must schedule tea sometime.
I'm setting up some manufacturing, if you can say I'm setting it up when I don't actually do any of the manufacturing. And people seem to be getting involved. I just need to keep thinking of things they can help with faster than they can do them. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to do it myself than get organised enough to delegate it.
The Privateers withdrew their half of the mutual war, and they're very hard to find in the Republic now. The war should end in a couple of days. Without targets, I'm not too disappointed.
Cia is looking better. I don't know if that's just a new clone or whether Nerila has made progress. Cia has announced a mission op for the weekend, so she might be feeling better, but it might just be that the war will be over.
Saw Sarakai for the first time in a few weeks. Must schedule tea sometime.
20091116
War and illness
EM declared war on the Privateers. Then their friends, DEMON, war-decced us. That was fairly ignorable for a few days, and then they attacked one of our moon towers. We fought back, but didn't really do any damage. They gave up after incapacitating all the guns.
The surprising thing was that Eva is back. She's been sick for so long that I was wondering if she'd ever be back on duty, and now she's back in time to help respond to the attack. We were running around setting things up, getting reppers, sorting out responses. Somewhere in the middle of it all she made me a Director of the corporation. That was a bit of a surprise, but on reflection I'm quite pleased. Of course, she didn't tell me, I just started getting new and interesting mail messages, and had a lot more access.
DEMON came back the next day. I came on shift to discover that there'd been fighting, and we'd managed to destroy one of their battleships, although we'd lost one undocking from the station to try to defend the moon tower. So it was back to repping modules and putting more guns online.
And they came back the next day as well. By now, we'd hired some pos gunners, and heavily fortified the tower. But they seemed to draw the lesson from the day before that they should instead camp the station.
KJ did a fantastic job baiting a dozen battleships in his Vagabond, shooting their drones and keeping them interested. He wasn't really going to be able to destroy one, but he could make them frustrated. Captain Sparre organised a reception fleet for them. He asked us to get some battleships ready to undock into the station camp.
Evanda, KJ and I undocked in RR Battleships into a group of about 12 enemy battleships and a vagabond. We started shooting, and Captain Sparre jumped in the rescue squad. Matariki was flying an ECM cruiser for the first time, and was helping keep us alive. Things were looking a bit hairy for a minute, and then the tide turned. We got 3 battleship kills, and a vagabond kill for no losses. Our pos gunners were a little sad they didn't get to help, but the enemy all docked up and refused to come out.
The thing that pleases me the most is not that we won that battle, but that the corporation came together. Re-Awakened earned its name, and we woke up. Everyone helped. Even if it was only moving stuff around, repairing the POS guns, scouting the surrounding systems. Even volunteering to learn how to use the tower guns. It's been refreshing. Invigorating.
Even Cia was out there, getting involved, and helping repair guns, despite her being still sick.
I got mail from Nerila. Two of the samples I brought back, Therese and Luc, have the same genetic markers that Nerila thinks are causing the problem for Cia. Luckily there's still one sample that Nerila can culture for a potential donation.
Camille has the markers too.
Should I tell Cia? Therese and Luc could die of the same thing. So could Camille. But while we don't have a cure, is there any point?
I once before found something out that I thought was important for Cia to know. When I told her, I hurt her. I broke us. We're just back to the stage where I think we're comfortable together. Friends. I don't want to screw that up again.
I'll tell Amieta. I'm pretty sure that she's working on the same problem. If she tells Cia, Cia's probably not going to drive her away.
The surprising thing was that Eva is back. She's been sick for so long that I was wondering if she'd ever be back on duty, and now she's back in time to help respond to the attack. We were running around setting things up, getting reppers, sorting out responses. Somewhere in the middle of it all she made me a Director of the corporation. That was a bit of a surprise, but on reflection I'm quite pleased. Of course, she didn't tell me, I just started getting new and interesting mail messages, and had a lot more access.
DEMON came back the next day. I came on shift to discover that there'd been fighting, and we'd managed to destroy one of their battleships, although we'd lost one undocking from the station to try to defend the moon tower. So it was back to repping modules and putting more guns online.
And they came back the next day as well. By now, we'd hired some pos gunners, and heavily fortified the tower. But they seemed to draw the lesson from the day before that they should instead camp the station.
KJ did a fantastic job baiting a dozen battleships in his Vagabond, shooting their drones and keeping them interested. He wasn't really going to be able to destroy one, but he could make them frustrated. Captain Sparre organised a reception fleet for them. He asked us to get some battleships ready to undock into the station camp.
Evanda, KJ and I undocked in RR Battleships into a group of about 12 enemy battleships and a vagabond. We started shooting, and Captain Sparre jumped in the rescue squad. Matariki was flying an ECM cruiser for the first time, and was helping keep us alive. Things were looking a bit hairy for a minute, and then the tide turned. We got 3 battleship kills, and a vagabond kill for no losses. Our pos gunners were a little sad they didn't get to help, but the enemy all docked up and refused to come out.
The thing that pleases me the most is not that we won that battle, but that the corporation came together. Re-Awakened earned its name, and we woke up. Everyone helped. Even if it was only moving stuff around, repairing the POS guns, scouting the surrounding systems. Even volunteering to learn how to use the tower guns. It's been refreshing. Invigorating.
Even Cia was out there, getting involved, and helping repair guns, despite her being still sick.
I got mail from Nerila. Two of the samples I brought back, Therese and Luc, have the same genetic markers that Nerila thinks are causing the problem for Cia. Luckily there's still one sample that Nerila can culture for a potential donation.
Camille has the markers too.
Should I tell Cia? Therese and Luc could die of the same thing. So could Camille. But while we don't have a cure, is there any point?
I once before found something out that I thought was important for Cia to know. When I told her, I hurt her. I broke us. We're just back to the stage where I think we're comfortable together. Friends. I don't want to screw that up again.
I'll tell Amieta. I'm pretty sure that she's working on the same problem. If she tells Cia, Cia's probably not going to drive her away.
20091105
A small amount of good news
Cia's doctor, Nerila, sent me a mail.
At least one of the samples I brought back is a good match. Now she's going to culture them, and try working on one of Cia's jump clones, to check for possible rejection issues.
KJ also found an unrelated 6 point match. So Nerila's culturing that one as well.
Nerila sounds almost hopeful, but it will be at least a week before the clone rejection issues are known.
More waiting.
At least one of the samples I brought back is a good match. Now she's going to culture them, and try working on one of Cia's jump clones, to check for possible rejection issues.
KJ also found an unrelated 6 point match. So Nerila's culturing that one as well.
Nerila sounds almost hopeful, but it will be at least a week before the clone rejection issues are known.
More waiting.
20091104
Waiting
Got back from Intaki without incident. The space around Intaki was practically empty, and CJ was running a fleet to chase war targets closer to home. All the potential threats were hiding.
Delivered the samples to Nerila. She seemed relieved; thankful. I hope one of them is a match.
Now I have to wait a day until the results are ready.
It could all have been for nothing.
Delivered the samples to Nerila. She seemed relieved; thankful. I hope one of them is a match.
Now I have to wait a day until the results are ready.
It could all have been for nothing.
20091103
Influence in action
I have contacts with the Republic Security Service. It's useful sometimes, they have offices spread around the various empires, even Amarr space. I put out a request for movements of people matching the description of the Roth family. I figured that if they were in highsec, the RSS could probably find them.
Then I did a run down through lowsec Placid. The area that has a lot of systems that now belong to the Caldari, but used to belong to the Federation.
In Intaki, I found them. They weren't really hiding when they arrived here, or at least, not from me. I found their fake names. I found recent pictures. I got an address. They were living on Intaki Prime.
They weren't at that address any more. Some Caldari bureaucrats were living in the house now. Planets are big. If they didn't want to be found, it could take some time to find them. Time I didn't have.
I sent some messages. I told Amieta and KJ where I was and what I was doing. Planets are dangerous places, especially if I got into trouble. Getting killed in a pod is an inconvenience. Getting killed on a planet is forever. Someone else should know what I was up to.
I mailed Mr Night. I asked him if he could give me letters of introduction or something, that I could use to get some cooperation out of Ishukone. The new administrators of Intaki Prime.
I'm not sure exactly what he said in the coded packets, but when I showed them to the Ishukone customs officer I got bounced up the tree quite quickly. Silver has a lot of pull with these people.
Luckily, my time with Sarakai has taught me how to have tea with a Caldari without making a complete fool of myself, because fairly soon I found myself doing tea with a political supervisor. Offering any assistance possible to an associate of Mr Night. I smiled and was polite, and told him what I wanted.
It felt like they were surprised the monkey could talk, but the monkey worked for someone important. That displeasing me would mean displeasing Silver. I didn't disabuse them. In some senses it was true. So not exactly friendly, but cooperative.
Since I have their current identities, tracking them was fairly easy. They were staying in an apartment leased by an Ishukone mid-level bureaucrat. Moved in with him when their house was commandeered I guess. Cia's mother was playing the "War Widow" line, and the bureaucrat was comforting her. I didn't blow their cover.
I told them Mr Night wanted bone marrow samples from each of them. That it was important to him. They nodded and smiled, and said that of course that could be arranged.
So now I wait. Sometime today the Roth's will be politely invited to a medical center, and the samples will be taken. Then I'll be out of here.
I hope it's in time.
Then I did a run down through lowsec Placid. The area that has a lot of systems that now belong to the Caldari, but used to belong to the Federation.
In Intaki, I found them. They weren't really hiding when they arrived here, or at least, not from me. I found their fake names. I found recent pictures. I got an address. They were living on Intaki Prime.
They weren't at that address any more. Some Caldari bureaucrats were living in the house now. Planets are big. If they didn't want to be found, it could take some time to find them. Time I didn't have.
I sent some messages. I told Amieta and KJ where I was and what I was doing. Planets are dangerous places, especially if I got into trouble. Getting killed in a pod is an inconvenience. Getting killed on a planet is forever. Someone else should know what I was up to.
I mailed Mr Night. I asked him if he could give me letters of introduction or something, that I could use to get some cooperation out of Ishukone. The new administrators of Intaki Prime.
I'm not sure exactly what he said in the coded packets, but when I showed them to the Ishukone customs officer I got bounced up the tree quite quickly. Silver has a lot of pull with these people.
Luckily, my time with Sarakai has taught me how to have tea with a Caldari without making a complete fool of myself, because fairly soon I found myself doing tea with a political supervisor. Offering any assistance possible to an associate of Mr Night. I smiled and was polite, and told him what I wanted.
It felt like they were surprised the monkey could talk, but the monkey worked for someone important. That displeasing me would mean displeasing Silver. I didn't disabuse them. In some senses it was true. So not exactly friendly, but cooperative.
Since I have their current identities, tracking them was fairly easy. They were staying in an apartment leased by an Ishukone mid-level bureaucrat. Moved in with him when their house was commandeered I guess. Cia's mother was playing the "War Widow" line, and the bureaucrat was comforting her. I didn't blow their cover.
I told them Mr Night wanted bone marrow samples from each of them. That it was important to him. They nodded and smiled, and said that of course that could be arranged.
So now I wait. Sometime today the Roth's will be politely invited to a medical center, and the samples will be taken. Then I'll be out of here.
I hope it's in time.
20091101
Duty calls
KJ called me. Said it wasn't an order. Not exactly. And it was my personal life and everything, so I could say no. But could I please stop Cia melting down in alliance?
She was gibbering on the alliance channel. Vikarion, her old corpse. her original corpse. He was me, so who am I? Really losing it.
So I flew to Lustrevik. Knocked on the door to her hangar, and asked to see her. They took my weapon and let me in. Some of her crew know me, and they seemed glad someone had come. Like they were worried for her but couldn't do anything.
Cia was sitting on her couch. Rocking and moaning. So I gave her a hug. It seemed to help. And she told me what had happened.
It was her body. The one that Vikarion killed. She's sick. Maybe dying, and her original body might have clues as to what's going on. She asked for it back. Vikarion said he'd give it back if she met him at a particular bar. She showed up, and Vik was there, wearing her corpse as if it were a jump clone.
Cia freaked. She's not entirely stable at the best of times, and seeing herself seemed to have upset her. She remembers the Cia-Copy that her father made, to make her what he wanted rather than who she was. Maybe she's not the Real-Cia, just a bad copy who thinks she's real, and that's why she's sick. Identity issues.
She got anxious and started having difficulty breathing. A lot of difficulty. I called her med team, and Nerila showed up with a couple of medics and gave her a transfusion. Cia wasn't very cooperative, but I held her hand and talked her into it. I also talked her into accepting a monitor so Nerila could tell when she was having difficulty next time. From what Cia said, she's getting transfusions every day, and that they're getting less effective. Cia wasn't very grateful to Nerila, worryingly hostile actually.
Nerila left reluctantly. I stayed a little longer to see how she was doing.
She apologised to me, about us. She said she hadn't treated me very well, and she wanted me to know she knew. It was like she was making her peace or something. I helped her to bed, pulled the covers over her as she fell asleep. I looked down at her wondering. Why was I there? Why was she happy to see me? What did it all mean?
I kissed her forehead, wished her sweet dreams, and left her sleeping.
I made my way out of the hab-unit into the rest of the hangar. I headed for Nerila's lab. I asked some questions.
Cia's not got much time. Her marrow isn't producing blood cells, and transfusions are putting clean blood in, but something in her system is damaging the cells very quickly, and the spleen is filtering them out, so she needs new blood every day. Nerila's a surgeon, not a geneticist, and Cia's ordered her not to tell anyone off ship. I'm not sure why she was telling me. Nerila's following orders to the letter I think, and for some reason I wasn't covered at that point.
Nerila told me that if she got a tissue match for a donor, then she could do something to Cia's system that would buy her years. Long enough to find the problem. But finding the donor soon would be a good thing.
Her best hope of a donor is her family. They've tested Camille - not close enough. The rest of her family is in hiding.
Time to go looking.
She was gibbering on the alliance channel. Vikarion, her old corpse. her original corpse. He was me, so who am I? Really losing it.
So I flew to Lustrevik. Knocked on the door to her hangar, and asked to see her. They took my weapon and let me in. Some of her crew know me, and they seemed glad someone had come. Like they were worried for her but couldn't do anything.
Cia was sitting on her couch. Rocking and moaning. So I gave her a hug. It seemed to help. And she told me what had happened.
It was her body. The one that Vikarion killed. She's sick. Maybe dying, and her original body might have clues as to what's going on. She asked for it back. Vikarion said he'd give it back if she met him at a particular bar. She showed up, and Vik was there, wearing her corpse as if it were a jump clone.
Cia freaked. She's not entirely stable at the best of times, and seeing herself seemed to have upset her. She remembers the Cia-Copy that her father made, to make her what he wanted rather than who she was. Maybe she's not the Real-Cia, just a bad copy who thinks she's real, and that's why she's sick. Identity issues.
She got anxious and started having difficulty breathing. A lot of difficulty. I called her med team, and Nerila showed up with a couple of medics and gave her a transfusion. Cia wasn't very cooperative, but I held her hand and talked her into it. I also talked her into accepting a monitor so Nerila could tell when she was having difficulty next time. From what Cia said, she's getting transfusions every day, and that they're getting less effective. Cia wasn't very grateful to Nerila, worryingly hostile actually.
Nerila left reluctantly. I stayed a little longer to see how she was doing.
She apologised to me, about us. She said she hadn't treated me very well, and she wanted me to know she knew. It was like she was making her peace or something. I helped her to bed, pulled the covers over her as she fell asleep. I looked down at her wondering. Why was I there? Why was she happy to see me? What did it all mean?
I kissed her forehead, wished her sweet dreams, and left her sleeping.
I made my way out of the hab-unit into the rest of the hangar. I headed for Nerila's lab. I asked some questions.
Cia's not got much time. Her marrow isn't producing blood cells, and transfusions are putting clean blood in, but something in her system is damaging the cells very quickly, and the spleen is filtering them out, so she needs new blood every day. Nerila's a surgeon, not a geneticist, and Cia's ordered her not to tell anyone off ship. I'm not sure why she was telling me. Nerila's following orders to the letter I think, and for some reason I wasn't covered at that point.
Nerila told me that if she got a tissue match for a donor, then she could do something to Cia's system that would buy her years. Long enough to find the problem. But finding the donor soon would be a good thing.
Her best hope of a donor is her family. They've tested Camille - not close enough. The rest of her family is in hiding.
Time to go looking.
20091031
Prosthetic conscience
Sarakai finally got back to me and agreed to meet me in Lenfa's place for tea. She showed up looking calm like she usually does, but slightly uneasy at the same time.
We talked, inconsequentials. Then she asked me what I'd done in the service. I told her. Including the bad bits.
She accused me of being - stupidly - sensitive. Of caring about a single person I'd killed when I could look into their eyes, but not the thousands that died under the guns of my ship.
She was wrong. I cared about the person I killed face to face, yes. But I also care about the ones I kill under my guns. I couldn't explain to her why. At least, not in a way she seemed to understand.
Coming to EM was part of coming to terms with that. Now, the people who end up under my guns are supposed to be there. They're shooting back, and they're taking their chances, just like I am. I don't have bad nights over them.
She seemed confused. She said there were obviously rules about who you could kill and who you couldn't, and she didn't understand them.
Could she ask me? When she wasn't sure?
Obviously, she said, plausible deniability would have to be maintained. She'd use hypotheticals.
What could I say? I said yes.
Am I teaching her to be a better person? Or am I teaching her to pass as one?
We talked, inconsequentials. Then she asked me what I'd done in the service. I told her. Including the bad bits.
She accused me of being - stupidly - sensitive. Of caring about a single person I'd killed when I could look into their eyes, but not the thousands that died under the guns of my ship.
She was wrong. I cared about the person I killed face to face, yes. But I also care about the ones I kill under my guns. I couldn't explain to her why. At least, not in a way she seemed to understand.
Coming to EM was part of coming to terms with that. Now, the people who end up under my guns are supposed to be there. They're shooting back, and they're taking their chances, just like I am. I don't have bad nights over them.
She seemed confused. She said there were obviously rules about who you could kill and who you couldn't, and she didn't understand them.
Could she ask me? When she wasn't sure?
Obviously, she said, plausible deniability would have to be maintained. She'd use hypotheticals.
What could I say? I said yes.
Am I teaching her to be a better person? Or am I teaching her to pass as one?
20091024
Shopping malls and dinosaurs
Cia invited people to Luminaire to shop. I showed up to find Cia, Camille and Helmi. Luminaire isn't that far away. I wonder why other people skipped it.
Cia's tired. I volunteered to wrangle Cami while she had a rest in the cafe. Helmi stayed with Cia.
Camille chose a model of a Raven, and a remote controlled dinosaur model.
Cami knows Cia's sick. Not just tired. She's worried. But she told me Ami's going to fix things. Ami's good at rescuing people.
Camille cheers herself up when she doesn't think about it too much.
I wonder what Amieta's up to.
Cia's tired. I volunteered to wrangle Cami while she had a rest in the cafe. Helmi stayed with Cia.
Camille chose a model of a Raven, and a remote controlled dinosaur model.
Cami knows Cia's sick. Not just tired. She's worried. But she told me Ami's going to fix things. Ami's good at rescuing people.
Camille cheers herself up when she doesn't think about it too much.
I wonder what Amieta's up to.
20091023
BIONE Bar
Went to the BIONE bar. My major recollections are philosophy and beer. Meeting new people. Carinelle, Isobel. Discussing Ivan and Debes yelling at each other in alliance - I have a feeling that may have to be mediated at some point.
BIONE seems to have a few friendly people, but also a lot of shy people. Maybe they'll get used to me if I visit more.
BIONE seems to have a few friendly people, but also a lot of shy people. Maybe they'll get used to me if I visit more.
20091021
And I cried True Tears of Joy
I was working in Lustrevik for the Brutor Tribe, restricting an Angel incursion when a podpilot warped into the dead space area and promptly went red from Agro. He'd stolen stuff from me, according to CONCORD regulations. The Pilot was from the TEARS alliance, and they had a reputation for ambushing people running missions. So I warped my Malestrom out, and went back in Live fast or die - my Vagabond class cruiser.
He was gone. So I warped back to the station, and then for some reason decided to warp back again. I found him, looting more of my wrecks. And I popped him.
I expected his reinforcements to show up then, trying to kill my ship. But nobody did.
No shakes, not even slightly.
He was gone. So I warped back to the station, and then for some reason decided to warp back again. I found him, looting more of my wrecks. And I popped him.
I expected his reinforcements to show up then, trying to kill my ship. But nobody did.
No shakes, not even slightly.
20091018
Imagination
Debes nearly got us all killed. We went on an anti-pirate roam in fast cruisers through Molden Heath, up through Metropolis, and into some Caldari Lowsec. Debes ordered me to jump into nullsec gateway systems a few times to see what was there. One time, I jumped into a system with 30 neutrals in local, and 5 or 6 on the gate. I reported types and did a runner and got out without being touched or followed.
Debes decided to take our fleet (of about 12) into that system. We jumped in and on orders shot at some of the locals. Ivan put up his Dictor bubble and we tried to shoot at some of the people coming to the gate. They were from a group called Wildly Inapproriate. About 2 minutes later, 2 ships warped into the gate, we shot at them, and they jumped. Then 20 people showed up at once. Debes called for a withdrawal.
I was sitting on the gate, locked and warp disrupted, trying to jump out. The stargate wouldn't let me jump due to "recent aggression". My sensors were telling me that a lot of people had me locked up, and there were swarms of drones incoming on me. Unfortunately for Debes, though not for me, he was primary target and went down quickly, KJ was taking damage. Someone else's ship died.
Sitting there for 40 seconds hoping that my ship would survive long enough to make the jump. pressing the button that requested the stargate jump me, and knowing there was nothing else I could do.
40 long seconds.
Finally I jumped. I warped to relative safety away from the other side of the gate. I was shaking in my pod. Still alive. Celebrating my good fortune on the Corp channel, with KJ who also survived.
Later Cia contacted me, someone had sent a mail to Camille, trying to make contact. An inappropriate mail. Cia was asking me if I thought she was over-reacting. I mean, Camille's ID includes her age, right? She's eight years old. I told her she wasn't being over-reacting. That she should tell her security.
Then she said she was glad I was safe. In that sort of tone where it feels like it's more than just the normal concern for a corp-mate. But I can't be sure.
Am I imagining things? Why do I care?
But I do.
Debes decided to take our fleet (of about 12) into that system. We jumped in and on orders shot at some of the locals. Ivan put up his Dictor bubble and we tried to shoot at some of the people coming to the gate. They were from a group called Wildly Inapproriate. About 2 minutes later, 2 ships warped into the gate, we shot at them, and they jumped. Then 20 people showed up at once. Debes called for a withdrawal.
I was sitting on the gate, locked and warp disrupted, trying to jump out. The stargate wouldn't let me jump due to "recent aggression". My sensors were telling me that a lot of people had me locked up, and there were swarms of drones incoming on me. Unfortunately for Debes, though not for me, he was primary target and went down quickly, KJ was taking damage. Someone else's ship died.
Sitting there for 40 seconds hoping that my ship would survive long enough to make the jump. pressing the button that requested the stargate jump me, and knowing there was nothing else I could do.
40 long seconds.
Finally I jumped. I warped to relative safety away from the other side of the gate. I was shaking in my pod. Still alive. Celebrating my good fortune on the Corp channel, with KJ who also survived.
Later Cia contacted me, someone had sent a mail to Camille, trying to make contact. An inappropriate mail. Cia was asking me if I thought she was over-reacting. I mean, Camille's ID includes her age, right? She's eight years old. I told her she wasn't being over-reacting. That she should tell her security.
Then she said she was glad I was safe. In that sort of tone where it feels like it's more than just the normal concern for a corp-mate. But I can't be sure.
Am I imagining things? Why do I care?
But I do.
20091017
Alone in a crowd
Before meeting Sara in the bazaar, I went to the party at Carinelle's place. It started pretty well, and quickly became crowded.
There was a lot of history in the room. It felt like half the room had been in a relationship with one another at some stage, and not all the breakups had been amicable.
Brooding brutor on the fringes, glaring at the crowd.
I found myself avoiding the center of the room once Rocius arrived. I was circling talking to people I knew well enough to greet. One was Anuko. Another was Cia.
Anuko was standing near the bar, filling up regularly. I took the opportunity to say hello when I was getting a drink. We haven't really talked since the day she walked out of the shuttle bay without looking back. She still seems bitter. But she talked to me.
Anuko asked me how my relationship was going. I think she meant Cia. She had a strange look on her face when I told her that it had crashed and burned the same weekend that I took her to Matar. She talked to me a little more but after she's had a few drinks, she has difficulty being non-confrontational. She eventually decided there were too many people and left. She may have overheard me telling Cia that I had invited Amieta on a sailing trip. That was the first trip I took Anuko on - to see a planet from the waves.
Cia was standing in the corner looking alone. She wasn't looking well. She had a nose bleed, and had to rush into Carinelle's bathroom a couple of times. Carinelle was quite concerned, and had a quiet chat to me. Cia left early, looking sick.
One of Elsebeth's cousins was there; Alyssa. I think it's been since announced that Alyssa and Teo Keish are getting married. I don't really know either of them. Alyssa just joined the alliance as a Gradient rep on the executor corp board.
Cierelle showed up; Rocius' wife. She seemed to be proudly pregnant. Rocius doted on her, in between doting on Carinelle. Mata was sitting on the couch in the middle of the room, and Cierelle ended up there too. I was avoiding it after Rocius arrived. KJ showed up looking pretty pleased with himself, and there were some conversations going on there.
Gradually people left. With each person or couple leaving, it became more difficult to avoid Rocius, so I decided to leave too. Mata called on me to wait for her. KJ, Mata and I left together. There was a bit of an after-party going on at the Shackled Amarr, but I skipped it. I heard later that Veren had got in a fight with someone, so perhaps that was for the best.
I was looking forward to the party. I was hoping for some music and some dancing, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable watching people renewing old relationships.
Maybe I understand more what Sara said about being alone in a crowd.
There was a lot of history in the room. It felt like half the room had been in a relationship with one another at some stage, and not all the breakups had been amicable.
Brooding brutor on the fringes, glaring at the crowd.
I found myself avoiding the center of the room once Rocius arrived. I was circling talking to people I knew well enough to greet. One was Anuko. Another was Cia.
Anuko was standing near the bar, filling up regularly. I took the opportunity to say hello when I was getting a drink. We haven't really talked since the day she walked out of the shuttle bay without looking back. She still seems bitter. But she talked to me.
Anuko asked me how my relationship was going. I think she meant Cia. She had a strange look on her face when I told her that it had crashed and burned the same weekend that I took her to Matar. She talked to me a little more but after she's had a few drinks, she has difficulty being non-confrontational. She eventually decided there were too many people and left. She may have overheard me telling Cia that I had invited Amieta on a sailing trip. That was the first trip I took Anuko on - to see a planet from the waves.
Cia was standing in the corner looking alone. She wasn't looking well. She had a nose bleed, and had to rush into Carinelle's bathroom a couple of times. Carinelle was quite concerned, and had a quiet chat to me. Cia left early, looking sick.
One of Elsebeth's cousins was there; Alyssa. I think it's been since announced that Alyssa and Teo Keish are getting married. I don't really know either of them. Alyssa just joined the alliance as a Gradient rep on the executor corp board.
Cierelle showed up; Rocius' wife. She seemed to be proudly pregnant. Rocius doted on her, in between doting on Carinelle. Mata was sitting on the couch in the middle of the room, and Cierelle ended up there too. I was avoiding it after Rocius arrived. KJ showed up looking pretty pleased with himself, and there were some conversations going on there.
Gradually people left. With each person or couple leaving, it became more difficult to avoid Rocius, so I decided to leave too. Mata called on me to wait for her. KJ, Mata and I left together. There was a bit of an after-party going on at the Shackled Amarr, but I skipped it. I heard later that Veren had got in a fight with someone, so perhaps that was for the best.
I was looking forward to the party. I was hoping for some music and some dancing, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable watching people renewing old relationships.
Maybe I understand more what Sara said about being alone in a crowd.
Revelations
I stopped in the bazaar to have dinner and who should walk in but Sara. It was nice to see her again. I asked her for a bit more details about the complications she spoke of. Was I already involved?
She told me that nobody was hunting her, and that I was unlikely to be caught up in anything. As far as she knew.
The complications were that she thought she would have to tell me things about her that would cause me to not want to be her friend any more. And so she'd rather keep me as a friend than try for more, tell me, and have me run away. But, if I wanted to know, she'd tell me.
What could I do then? I can't pretend all is still wonderful. Either I walk away, or I ask how bad it is.
So I asked.
I knew she'd been in the Guristas, a pirate. And I knew before that she'd been in the Watch as an undercover agent. I could guess the sort of things you might have to do to survive undercover, or to join the Guristas for real. I understand what people will do when it's a choice between survival or death.
I've been in wars, I've done things that were just wrong. But I didn't enjoy it. Actually, that's not true. There were times that it was exhilarating. The adrenalline and terror. The joy at being still alive. Afterwards, I'd get drunk to try to forget. I didn't want to remember what I'd done.
I regretted it.
One of the reasons I came home; joined Reawakened; was so I didn't have to pretend that what I was doing wasn't that bad.
I could understand anything, I thought.
Sara... It's not what she did. It's that she doesn't think it was wrong. She'd do it again. No guilt.
She just knows that some people think that what she did was wrong, so she's giving me a choice.
Now I have to decide.
She told me that nobody was hunting her, and that I was unlikely to be caught up in anything. As far as she knew.
The complications were that she thought she would have to tell me things about her that would cause me to not want to be her friend any more. And so she'd rather keep me as a friend than try for more, tell me, and have me run away. But, if I wanted to know, she'd tell me.
What could I do then? I can't pretend all is still wonderful. Either I walk away, or I ask how bad it is.
So I asked.
I knew she'd been in the Guristas, a pirate. And I knew before that she'd been in the Watch as an undercover agent. I could guess the sort of things you might have to do to survive undercover, or to join the Guristas for real. I understand what people will do when it's a choice between survival or death.
I've been in wars, I've done things that were just wrong. But I didn't enjoy it. Actually, that's not true. There were times that it was exhilarating. The adrenalline and terror. The joy at being still alive. Afterwards, I'd get drunk to try to forget. I didn't want to remember what I'd done.
I regretted it.
One of the reasons I came home; joined Reawakened; was so I didn't have to pretend that what I was doing wasn't that bad.
I could understand anything, I thought.
Sara... It's not what she did. It's that she doesn't think it was wrong. She'd do it again. No guilt.
She just knows that some people think that what she did was wrong, so she's giving me a choice.
Now I have to decide.
20091015
Dinner with Sarakai
She was late. I waited for 2 hours. Am I stupid?
She showed up though. Work. These things happen. We talked about things, Caldari and Matari. Similarities. Differences. Sara seemed pleased that inter-corp relations in EM seem so friendly. I invited her to Carinelle's party. I mentioned that I'd heard rumours that some people didn't approve of Silver. I shouldn't have - now she's trying to determine if there are threats.
We discussed strength, rigidity vs flexibility. She said if she'd been more flexible she might never have been run out of the Watch. But then, she wouldn't have joined the Guristas, nor gone to work for Silver. And never met me. She asked about the sailing trip I'd promised Amieta. I've invited her too. Perhaps I should have cleared that with Amieta?
Then I asked her what our status was. Were we more than friends? I rambled a bit, thinking that I was making a mistake. She smiled and said it was a fair question.
The answer was that we were friends, for the time being at least. That there are complications in her life that I'd become involved in if we were an item.
She said she'll explain one day, honest.
Afterward I thought, how would people know? Would I be more involved in her complications than when I'm seen walking arm in arm with her through the bazaar?
Maybe I'm already involved, and I just don't know it?
She showed up though. Work. These things happen. We talked about things, Caldari and Matari. Similarities. Differences. Sara seemed pleased that inter-corp relations in EM seem so friendly. I invited her to Carinelle's party. I mentioned that I'd heard rumours that some people didn't approve of Silver. I shouldn't have - now she's trying to determine if there are threats.
We discussed strength, rigidity vs flexibility. She said if she'd been more flexible she might never have been run out of the Watch. But then, she wouldn't have joined the Guristas, nor gone to work for Silver. And never met me. She asked about the sailing trip I'd promised Amieta. I've invited her too. Perhaps I should have cleared that with Amieta?
Then I asked her what our status was. Were we more than friends? I rambled a bit, thinking that I was making a mistake. She smiled and said it was a fair question.
The answer was that we were friends, for the time being at least. That there are complications in her life that I'd become involved in if we were an item.
She said she'll explain one day, honest.
Afterward I thought, how would people know? Would I be more involved in her complications than when I'm seen walking arm in arm with her through the bazaar?
Maybe I'm already involved, and I just don't know it?
20091013
Bazaar
It was a long day. I got into the bazaar after visiting the museum, and ran into KJ, Amieta, Cia and Camille. There was some excitement with some Amarrian buying some slaver hounds, and then having one shot dead in the corridor, and then everyone else started wandering away.
I did get the chance to ask Amieta what the deal was about her and Sarakai. I had inferred from Sara's hints that Amieta was pushing her into spending more time with me, but Amieta said that she was just pushing Sara into spending more time off duty, and if she chose to spend that time with me, that was up to her; but that it was good she was getting out more.
Then I got to spend time talking with Killjoy. It was good. He looks like recently he's been a bit stressed. I volunteered to help out more, and he said taking recruitment off his hands was a big help, and anything after that was gravy. The big issue at the moment is industry. That's really not my field. KJs also feeling twitchy about the whole corp thing. Whether he's doing the right thing with Eva gone. Whether she's going to come back and tell him he did the wrong thing. I tried to tell him that she should be happy that he kept it going, and couldn't complain if it wasn't exactly the way she'd planned if she didn't tell anyone the plan.
We went drinking, and hung out and chatted. Talked corp history, and guns. How much stress was involved in being a director.
I told him what I knew of Cia's history. His reaction was to want to kill Cia's father too. I told him Amieta said she'd taken care of it, and we started talking about Amieta. I warned him that she said she doesn't like them skinny or too pretty. He laughed and said he wasn't planning on getting to know her quite that way.
Then we finished our drinks and headed for the exit, and just as KJ left, Matariki came in. She was planning on meeting Elsebeth in the bazaar, so I stayed to talk to her until Elsebeth showed up. I talked about the visit to the Museum with Carinelle. Mata talked about the exhibits there, and how she thought that it was a shame that so many of them were related to our people's history as slaves. Like we couldn't discuss the mother of the clan without mentioning she was a slave. I think Mata's a bit twitchy about something. Then Elsebeth arrived, and I made an excuse and walked off into the bazaar to leave them a chance to talk in private.
And I ran into Ciarente. She was shopping for books. Books for Camille that she thought would teach her morals, or set good examples. She's in a new jump clone because her doctor said the other clone was sick. Cia let slip that they expect this clone to get sick too.
I asked about the physical security on her pod or something, anything to explain how different clones could get ill in the same way. Helmi seemed to think I was impugning Cia's security team, but I didn't really want to consider the alternative.
What kind of thing can cross the jump clone barrier? I can only think of genetic things. They might not be curable.
Ciarente told me not to worry. Begged me not to worry. She said she's got Camille and Ami to worry about already and she can't be worrying about me as well. So I promised I wouldn't worry too much.
I was surprised. I mean, I thought we were almost back to being friends, but she says something like that. It makes me wonder if there's still hope. And then I crush it. It won't work.
But I still care.
We talked about role models, and she talked like she was trying to find ways to influence Camille's life if she dies soon. I reminded her that it looked like Cami wanted to grow up like Amieta, and that there are worse examples out there that she could choose. That's when Cia told me she wanted a lawyer. To make arrangements so that if Cia dies, Amieta could raise Camille without a legal challenge. Cia's estate would be quite a lot of isk, and without a solid legal basis, it could be challenged.
She's talking like that's likely. The death, and the legal challenge.
I hope she's wrong.
I did get the chance to ask Amieta what the deal was about her and Sarakai. I had inferred from Sara's hints that Amieta was pushing her into spending more time with me, but Amieta said that she was just pushing Sara into spending more time off duty, and if she chose to spend that time with me, that was up to her; but that it was good she was getting out more.
Then I got to spend time talking with Killjoy. It was good. He looks like recently he's been a bit stressed. I volunteered to help out more, and he said taking recruitment off his hands was a big help, and anything after that was gravy. The big issue at the moment is industry. That's really not my field. KJs also feeling twitchy about the whole corp thing. Whether he's doing the right thing with Eva gone. Whether she's going to come back and tell him he did the wrong thing. I tried to tell him that she should be happy that he kept it going, and couldn't complain if it wasn't exactly the way she'd planned if she didn't tell anyone the plan.
We went drinking, and hung out and chatted. Talked corp history, and guns. How much stress was involved in being a director.
I told him what I knew of Cia's history. His reaction was to want to kill Cia's father too. I told him Amieta said she'd taken care of it, and we started talking about Amieta. I warned him that she said she doesn't like them skinny or too pretty. He laughed and said he wasn't planning on getting to know her quite that way.
Then we finished our drinks and headed for the exit, and just as KJ left, Matariki came in. She was planning on meeting Elsebeth in the bazaar, so I stayed to talk to her until Elsebeth showed up. I talked about the visit to the Museum with Carinelle. Mata talked about the exhibits there, and how she thought that it was a shame that so many of them were related to our people's history as slaves. Like we couldn't discuss the mother of the clan without mentioning she was a slave. I think Mata's a bit twitchy about something. Then Elsebeth arrived, and I made an excuse and walked off into the bazaar to leave them a chance to talk in private.
And I ran into Ciarente. She was shopping for books. Books for Camille that she thought would teach her morals, or set good examples. She's in a new jump clone because her doctor said the other clone was sick. Cia let slip that they expect this clone to get sick too.
I asked about the physical security on her pod or something, anything to explain how different clones could get ill in the same way. Helmi seemed to think I was impugning Cia's security team, but I didn't really want to consider the alternative.
What kind of thing can cross the jump clone barrier? I can only think of genetic things. They might not be curable.
Ciarente told me not to worry. Begged me not to worry. She said she's got Camille and Ami to worry about already and she can't be worrying about me as well. So I promised I wouldn't worry too much.
I was surprised. I mean, I thought we were almost back to being friends, but she says something like that. It makes me wonder if there's still hope. And then I crush it. It won't work.
But I still care.
We talked about role models, and she talked like she was trying to find ways to influence Camille's life if she dies soon. I reminded her that it looked like Cami wanted to grow up like Amieta, and that there are worse examples out there that she could choose. That's when Cia told me she wanted a lawyer. To make arrangements so that if Cia dies, Amieta could raise Camille without a legal challenge. Cia's estate would be quite a lot of isk, and without a solid legal basis, it could be challenged.
She's talking like that's likely. The death, and the legal challenge.
I hope she's wrong.
20091012
Mediator
Arkady called. He's been pushing the Alliance restructure and asked if I'd be interested in taking on one of the roles. Mediator for the 1st shift.
It's an honour. It's something I think I can do. It's mostly listening. Understanding. Trying to talk to people who can't actually talk to each other.
That evening I had my argument with Cia.
Maybe I'm worse at this than I thought?
It's an honour. It's something I think I can do. It's mostly listening. Understanding. Trying to talk to people who can't actually talk to each other.
That evening I had my argument with Cia.
Maybe I'm worse at this than I thought?
Loneliness by Proxy
It's been a busy few days. I have a bunch of things to get straight in my head, and every time I try to think about them, I get side-tracked by the last thing, so I'm going to write about that first.
I think Cia is feeling lonely; left out. She has got quite defensive about how people talk about clans and belonging, and was telling me that I was hurting CJ by talking about clans, families and how we fit in front of CJ.
I don't think that's true. I think it's Cia that's hurt.
She got a bit insistent about it last night. I said I'd talk to CJ about it. About whether it really did bother her. Cia got more insistent, like she didn't want me to talk to CJ. I got a bit rude I think, and said that unlike some people I didn't try to decide what was best for other people without talking to them about it.
I left at that point, since I might have gone a bit far.
I've talked to CJ before about stuff when I thought I'd hurt her, and she's been fairly straight forward, and not nearly as fragile as Cia seems to think. So tonight I talked to CJ again. Asked her if it bugged her. She said that sometimes she doesn't really know what to say, but that it isn't a problem. It doesn't bug her. She said actually, I've never done anything that bugged her.
I've been thinking about what Cia said, and I thought maybe CJ would like to fit in more. Maybe if she sees what it's like she won't feel so lost. So I invited her to Paiho sometime, next time there was a social event I was going to.
She looked a bit nervous. Asked what kind of social event. What should she wear. I told her it depends, sometimes the Aunties run something, and sometimes the cousins have a dance party where leathers and boots would be perfectly appropriate - that's what CJ wears a lot. She seemed much happier with that idea. I told her about Caci. How she's like my big sister, and CJ laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Like there's something about the clan she can already recognise or understand.
Next time the cousins are having a party, I'll let CJ know and take her along if she's free.
So now I'm pretty sure Cia is using CJ as an excuse to tell me I shouldn't talk to people about what clan they're from or how we might be related. That actually it's Cia who's broken.
On reflection, that shouldn't surprise me.
I don't think Cia realises how rude she's being when she tells me that how I or Matariki interact with people; the way anyone from my clan, or lots of other clans in the Republic, might greet people; is wrong, instead of just different from what she's used to.
But she's sick; sick enough to have to jump-clone to a body that her doctor doesn't think has the problem yet; and she's told me she can't cope with more worry, so I'm going to leave it alone. I don't need to win this argument.
I think Cia is feeling lonely; left out. She has got quite defensive about how people talk about clans and belonging, and was telling me that I was hurting CJ by talking about clans, families and how we fit in front of CJ.
I don't think that's true. I think it's Cia that's hurt.
She got a bit insistent about it last night. I said I'd talk to CJ about it. About whether it really did bother her. Cia got more insistent, like she didn't want me to talk to CJ. I got a bit rude I think, and said that unlike some people I didn't try to decide what was best for other people without talking to them about it.
I left at that point, since I might have gone a bit far.
I've talked to CJ before about stuff when I thought I'd hurt her, and she's been fairly straight forward, and not nearly as fragile as Cia seems to think. So tonight I talked to CJ again. Asked her if it bugged her. She said that sometimes she doesn't really know what to say, but that it isn't a problem. It doesn't bug her. She said actually, I've never done anything that bugged her.
I've been thinking about what Cia said, and I thought maybe CJ would like to fit in more. Maybe if she sees what it's like she won't feel so lost. So I invited her to Paiho sometime, next time there was a social event I was going to.
She looked a bit nervous. Asked what kind of social event. What should she wear. I told her it depends, sometimes the Aunties run something, and sometimes the cousins have a dance party where leathers and boots would be perfectly appropriate - that's what CJ wears a lot. She seemed much happier with that idea. I told her about Caci. How she's like my big sister, and CJ laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Like there's something about the clan she can already recognise or understand.
Next time the cousins are having a party, I'll let CJ know and take her along if she's free.
So now I'm pretty sure Cia is using CJ as an excuse to tell me I shouldn't talk to people about what clan they're from or how we might be related. That actually it's Cia who's broken.
On reflection, that shouldn't surprise me.
I don't think Cia realises how rude she's being when she tells me that how I or Matariki interact with people; the way anyone from my clan, or lots of other clans in the Republic, might greet people; is wrong, instead of just different from what she's used to.
But she's sick; sick enough to have to jump-clone to a body that her doctor doesn't think has the problem yet; and she's told me she can't cope with more worry, so I'm going to leave it alone. I don't need to win this argument.
20091009
Museums
Carinelle invited me to join her at the Illuin Museum. We looked at a few exhibits, but mostly we ended up talking. Carinelle is half Sebiestor. She only found out a year or so back, and I think it was a challenge for her to deal with. She's interested in talking about what that might mean. What a life in a clan might be like.
Carinelle warned me that I should talk to Sarakai about being seen with Carinelle. She tends to end up being covered by the press. I told her that Sara and I were probably just friends. Carinelle laughed and pointed out that I had a history of being wrong about that. Somewhat embarrassing, but she was right. I don't want to push Sara so hard that we can't be friends, and I don't want her to shoot me. Carinelle laughed hard when I told her that.
We talked more. About clans; about being an outsider; about being able to protect yourself. Carinelle could probably join a clan if she wanted, but she doesn't want to unless it's because Rocius has asked her to marry him. Then he wouldn't be able to exclude her from things to protect her.
But she was raised Gallente, and thinks it would be hard to let a clan make choices for her.
I tried telling her about my clan, how things work. She seemed interested, and thoughtful. She called me sweet, nice, and balanced. It's a change, having someone think of me that way who wasn't my cousin.
It's a pity that she's involved with Rocius.
Carinelle warned me that I should talk to Sarakai about being seen with Carinelle. She tends to end up being covered by the press. I told her that Sara and I were probably just friends. Carinelle laughed and pointed out that I had a history of being wrong about that. Somewhat embarrassing, but she was right. I don't want to push Sara so hard that we can't be friends, and I don't want her to shoot me. Carinelle laughed hard when I told her that.
We talked more. About clans; about being an outsider; about being able to protect yourself. Carinelle could probably join a clan if she wanted, but she doesn't want to unless it's because Rocius has asked her to marry him. Then he wouldn't be able to exclude her from things to protect her.
But she was raised Gallente, and thinks it would be hard to let a clan make choices for her.
I tried telling her about my clan, how things work. She seemed interested, and thoughtful. She called me sweet, nice, and balanced. It's a change, having someone think of me that way who wasn't my cousin.
It's a pity that she's involved with Rocius.
20091005
Remembrances
Auntie Yana died a few months back. Last night there was a remembrance for her. The clan gathered around a fire and we told stories. Things Yana did that were kind, or funny, or showed her character. Like the time she caught Enki out the back with Gudrun from the Polanni clan and loudly reviewed his seduction technique after listening for 5 minutes until he nearly died of embarrassment... then invited them both in, gave them a hot drink and some prophylactics...
Yana's going wasn't a surprise. Matariki offered to get her a clone, but Yana said it had been long enough. I don't think she thought she'd still be her afterwards. Tonight we asked the ancestors who watch over the clan to accept her into their number, so she could keep watching over us, and the ones that follow.
Angel reminded Enki this would mean that Yana would be watching him try his seduction next time, and he cried and laughed at the same time.
I think that she'll be there. Mediating with the spirits of the wind and the earth, the sun and the rain, to help our clan grow strong. And we will remember her.
Yana's going wasn't a surprise. Matariki offered to get her a clone, but Yana said it had been long enough. I don't think she thought she'd still be her afterwards. Tonight we asked the ancestors who watch over the clan to accept her into their number, so she could keep watching over us, and the ones that follow.
Angel reminded Enki this would mean that Yana would be watching him try his seduction next time, and he cried and laughed at the same time.
I think that she'll be there. Mediating with the spirits of the wind and the earth, the sun and the rain, to help our clan grow strong. And we will remember her.
20091004
Dry days
Today was Cia's birthday. And also something she called Dry day after a fire ceremony from her home world. Her Engineer, Mitch, set up some forcefields to contain the heat and flames, and then walled the hangar with flames. He also mounded some earth or something, and carved a ditch through it also filled with fire, with bridges over the ditch.
Cia was wearing a spectacular red dress, with a matching red jewelled necklace. She looked really good. But she looked tired. Like she needed a rest and a hug. At the end, when I said goodbye, I wanted to hug her very badly. That's not my place any more. I can't do that again until I'm invited.
In any case, I'd gone to the party with Sara. We gave Cia matched cookbooks - me from Matari cooking, and Sara from Caldari. I think she liked them. I hope she liked them.
Cia was the centre of attention, so Sara and I went and stood on one of the bridges and looked at the fires. We talked. She's asked me to take her to Michel's. Just the two of us.
It's a lot less up-market than I'd expected, but then I don't think the price of the food matters to Sara, and I know they have her favourite brand of tea.
I must have rubbed the bruise where she hit me in sparring, since she asked me if I was alright. When I told her it was where someone punched me, she laughed and said I was tough, I could take it. I told her I was a sensitive flower and she laughed again and called me a tough sensitive flower.
We talked. About different sides. Tough and sensitive. She said she'd always had more use for tough. That was hardly a surprise. She's been hard all her life. I wonder if I have introduced some sensitive into her life.
I asked if she liked coming to parties like this, with lots of people. I think she prefers to be alone. She said she probably wouldn't go if I didn't invite her. I asked her if she'd prefer to come to these sorts of things, or to go somewhere just the two of us, and she said she didn't mind.
I wondered if she meant that what she liked was spending time with me, but I'm probably imagining things.
Sara said Amieta had been very enthusiastic about arranging time off for her to see me. That Ami thinks she needs to get out more. I must talk to Amieta about that sometime. I told her not to let Ami push her if she didn't want to, but Sara said she'd been enjoying herself.
I told Sara that I had to leave early. To go to Matar for a ceremony for Auntie Yana. I offered to escort her home first if she wished. She said she would stay and match names with files... I guess that's her job, but it surprised me a bit.
As I was leaving, escorting Matariki from the hangar, I turned to look at Sara. She was watching me leave.
And she was smiling at me.
Cia was wearing a spectacular red dress, with a matching red jewelled necklace. She looked really good. But she looked tired. Like she needed a rest and a hug. At the end, when I said goodbye, I wanted to hug her very badly. That's not my place any more. I can't do that again until I'm invited.
In any case, I'd gone to the party with Sara. We gave Cia matched cookbooks - me from Matari cooking, and Sara from Caldari. I think she liked them. I hope she liked them.
Cia was the centre of attention, so Sara and I went and stood on one of the bridges and looked at the fires. We talked. She's asked me to take her to Michel's. Just the two of us.
It's a lot less up-market than I'd expected, but then I don't think the price of the food matters to Sara, and I know they have her favourite brand of tea.
I must have rubbed the bruise where she hit me in sparring, since she asked me if I was alright. When I told her it was where someone punched me, she laughed and said I was tough, I could take it. I told her I was a sensitive flower and she laughed again and called me a tough sensitive flower.
We talked. About different sides. Tough and sensitive. She said she'd always had more use for tough. That was hardly a surprise. She's been hard all her life. I wonder if I have introduced some sensitive into her life.
I asked if she liked coming to parties like this, with lots of people. I think she prefers to be alone. She said she probably wouldn't go if I didn't invite her. I asked her if she'd prefer to come to these sorts of things, or to go somewhere just the two of us, and she said she didn't mind.
I wondered if she meant that what she liked was spending time with me, but I'm probably imagining things.
Sara said Amieta had been very enthusiastic about arranging time off for her to see me. That Ami thinks she needs to get out more. I must talk to Amieta about that sometime. I told her not to let Ami push her if she didn't want to, but Sara said she'd been enjoying herself.
I told Sara that I had to leave early. To go to Matar for a ceremony for Auntie Yana. I offered to escort her home first if she wished. She said she would stay and match names with files... I guess that's her job, but it surprised me a bit.
As I was leaving, escorting Matariki from the hangar, I turned to look at Sara. She was watching me leave.
And she was smiling at me.
20091002
Sparring
Sarakai is fast. I kind of knew she would be, but she's faster than that. Still, I actually made her work up a sweat to put me down. She was using lots of low kicks to feel out my defences, and I was moving away to get a feel for how fast she is. I tried a counter-attack flurry one time, and didn't quite connect, and I only just deflected her riposte.
I thought she was getting tired, so I let her strike, deflected it, and tried to body slam her while fending off the other hand. Missed it just, and she followed up with a leg hook that dropped me.
I have quite a bruise over my heart.
While I was rubbing the bruise she saw some of my tattoos and asked about them, so I showed her. I told her what they all mean. That it's a reminder that I'm part of Paiho.
She said she liked them, and told me she had two tattoos. One of which was a small Guristas tattoo and the other was some facial nano-tattoos, which she's never seen. They only show when she's really angry or upset. I think she keeps herself so under control that they never show.
I asked where the rabbit tattoo was. She smiled and said I'd have to use my imagination. She did infiltration for the Guristas and if it had been seen she would have been in big trouble. that doesn't leave too many places...
Sara's going to pick somewhere to have dinner and let me know. I'm rather looking forward to it.
I thought she was getting tired, so I let her strike, deflected it, and tried to body slam her while fending off the other hand. Missed it just, and she followed up with a leg hook that dropped me.
I have quite a bruise over my heart.
While I was rubbing the bruise she saw some of my tattoos and asked about them, so I showed her. I told her what they all mean. That it's a reminder that I'm part of Paiho.
She said she liked them, and told me she had two tattoos. One of which was a small Guristas tattoo and the other was some facial nano-tattoos, which she's never seen. They only show when she's really angry or upset. I think she keeps herself so under control that they never show.
I asked where the rabbit tattoo was. She smiled and said I'd have to use my imagination. She did infiltration for the Guristas and if it had been seen she would have been in big trouble. that doesn't leave too many places...
Sara's going to pick somewhere to have dinner and let me know. I'm rather looking forward to it.
20090928
Commitments
I spent the morning in a bar talking to Carinelle. It was the end of her shift and she was looking for company. I like Carinelle a lot. She posts thoughtful things on the alliance boards, and I like the sound of her voice on comms when she leads fleets. She's also very pretty.
Carinelle and Rocius have an arrangement. Rocius' wife Cierelle knows and approves. They're even talking of Carinelle moving in with them. I thought she was safe to flirt with, and we were flirting gently for a while when I said "but you're taken" So it was a bit of a shock when she smiled at me and said it wasn't an exclusive arrangement...
I carefully backed off, started talking about Sarakai. Carinelle took the hint, and I hope she wasn't offended. I started thinking though. I do tea with Sarakai, and we talk and have started walking arm-in-arm, but we haven't discussed anything. She called me her friend, and that feels important, but ...
It's not like I've made any promises. Neither has she.
So why do I feel like I have?
Carinelle and Rocius have an arrangement. Rocius' wife Cierelle knows and approves. They're even talking of Carinelle moving in with them. I thought she was safe to flirt with, and we were flirting gently for a while when I said "but you're taken" So it was a bit of a shock when she smiled at me and said it wasn't an exclusive arrangement...
I carefully backed off, started talking about Sarakai. Carinelle took the hint, and I hope she wasn't offended. I started thinking though. I do tea with Sarakai, and we talk and have started walking arm-in-arm, but we haven't discussed anything. She called me her friend, and that feels important, but ...
It's not like I've made any promises. Neither has she.
So why do I feel like I have?
20090927
Challenges
I've spent a lot of the week scouting. Sitting in a cheetah watching our war targets and reporting. It's been useful, but dull.
On Saturday I did lunch at Michel's with Sarakai, Amieta, Cia, Camille, and Helmi. Cheeseburgers. I hadn't seen Sara for a week or two, or Amieta - I think Silver is keeping them busy with his new carrier.
Someone from White Rose - maybe Vikarion - Sent Cami a laser rifle. Cia was very upset. Cami was upset that Cia wouldn't let her keep it. Cia also told me that Vikarions girlfriend was tortured so badly that they turned off the life-support and let her die. Perhaps Vikarion blames Cia and is trying to get back at her through Cami? I have no idea why he'd think that.
Sara's birthday had been a few days before. Amieta is pressuring her to have a party. Sarakai said Ok, if it's a small party. I mentioned perhaps taking her out for dinner, and she said she'd like that. We pestered Sarakai for a bit, asking what she wanted for her birthday. She admitted that a small piece of art for her room would be nice. I have to go shopping some time soon.
Cia's birthday party is next week. Cia said she didn't need presents (of course, Camille told her she was missing the point of birthdays). Cia said that what she'd really like was something to remind her of people, where they were from.
There was a discussion about the attack on the Caldari navy Titan. I didn't lie exactly, but I didn't volunteer that I'd gone along. Apparently Silver is quite upset about the attack.
Cami asked how much a Titan cost, and then when we told her, declared her intention to train to fly a Titan, and then go into business stealing them and selling them. I laughed, but Cia was looking like the joke was wearing a little thin.
On Sunday I met Sara in the bazaar and showed her Lenfa's. We had tea, and talked. It feels like we're in a comfortable place, but not moving much. She said she's starting to appreciate this friend thing.
We bought matching presents for Cia together, and I remembered to ask her about something Amieta told me. She's a combat training instructor, and I asked if she would like to throw me around a bit.
We've agreed there'll be no eye-gouging or groin strikes, and the winner gets to choose a place for dinner. She claims that desk work has been making her soft, but I've been sitting in a pod all week.
I have a feeling she's going to kick my arse, despite weighing half what I do.
On Saturday I did lunch at Michel's with Sarakai, Amieta, Cia, Camille, and Helmi. Cheeseburgers. I hadn't seen Sara for a week or two, or Amieta - I think Silver is keeping them busy with his new carrier.
Someone from White Rose - maybe Vikarion - Sent Cami a laser rifle. Cia was very upset. Cami was upset that Cia wouldn't let her keep it. Cia also told me that Vikarions girlfriend was tortured so badly that they turned off the life-support and let her die. Perhaps Vikarion blames Cia and is trying to get back at her through Cami? I have no idea why he'd think that.
Sara's birthday had been a few days before. Amieta is pressuring her to have a party. Sarakai said Ok, if it's a small party. I mentioned perhaps taking her out for dinner, and she said she'd like that. We pestered Sarakai for a bit, asking what she wanted for her birthday. She admitted that a small piece of art for her room would be nice. I have to go shopping some time soon.
Cia's birthday party is next week. Cia said she didn't need presents (of course, Camille told her she was missing the point of birthdays). Cia said that what she'd really like was something to remind her of people, where they were from.
There was a discussion about the attack on the Caldari navy Titan. I didn't lie exactly, but I didn't volunteer that I'd gone along. Apparently Silver is quite upset about the attack.
Cami asked how much a Titan cost, and then when we told her, declared her intention to train to fly a Titan, and then go into business stealing them and selling them. I laughed, but Cia was looking like the joke was wearing a little thin.
On Sunday I met Sara in the bazaar and showed her Lenfa's. We had tea, and talked. It feels like we're in a comfortable place, but not moving much. She said she's starting to appreciate this friend thing.
We bought matching presents for Cia together, and I remembered to ask her about something Amieta told me. She's a combat training instructor, and I asked if she would like to throw me around a bit.
We've agreed there'll be no eye-gouging or groin strikes, and the winner gets to choose a place for dinner. She claims that desk work has been making her soft, but I've been sitting in a pod all week.
I have a feeling she's going to kick my arse, despite weighing half what I do.
20090921
The Task of Sisyphus
The sky over Caldari prime was filled with ships. Many of them were there to shoot at the Caldari Navy Titan. Some of them were there to remote-rep it, though I don't think that was necessary. There was some shield and some armour damage done, but it was quickly repaired. After 6 to 8 hours, things ran out of steam and people started departing as they finished their ammo loads, or lost hope. The titan was unscathed.
Some ships were destroyed either by concord or the assembled masses. Some people died.
I'm not sure I see the point really.
So why did I go?
It was partly for Matariki. She is very happy with Jonny, and I was showing willing. I was pleased when Jonny noticed me amongst the battleships on the field. Later I found out that Matariki was less enthusiastic about it.
It was partly for me. I knew it was mostly doomed before I arrived. But I went anyway. Enthusiasm. A chance to see a titan. To shoot at it. Maybe if we were gloriously lucky to be part of that glory.
Only afterwards did I wonder what my corp mates or friends might think.
Silver. Amieta. Sarakai.
Some ships were destroyed either by concord or the assembled masses. Some people died.
I'm not sure I see the point really.
So why did I go?
It was partly for Matariki. She is very happy with Jonny, and I was showing willing. I was pleased when Jonny noticed me amongst the battleships on the field. Later I found out that Matariki was less enthusiastic about it.
It was partly for me. I knew it was mostly doomed before I arrived. But I went anyway. Enthusiasm. A chance to see a titan. To shoot at it. Maybe if we were gloriously lucky to be part of that glory.
Only afterwards did I wonder what my corp mates or friends might think.
Silver. Amieta. Sarakai.
20090916
The Utopian Ideal
I've been trying to organise a trip to see Sara for the last couple of weeks. The excuse was to visit The Utopian Ideal - Silver Night's Chimera class carrier. Finally, our schedules coincided, and I travelled out to the base.
The carrier is huge. 1.3km long. The dock has a significant marine presence .
Sara was waiting for me.
I wasn't really sure how to address her, so I called her "Ms Voutelen" in front of security. I was pre-approved, so was quickly inside the ship and walking around the internals. Sara took me to the bridge first. It was suitably impressive, and I tried to ask intelligent questions. She took me to the hangar next, via an internal transport system.
It was huge. The walk-way she lead me out onto was 100 meters above the hangar deck floor. The catwalk was very fragile looking. It took me a minute or two to stop my adrenaline telling me that I was too high with not enough support.
The hangar was mostly empty, with only a couple of ships in it. We were alone. I took the opportunity to ask how I should address her in front of the crew. She said as I was a captain, and in the same corp, first name would be acceptable.
The name thing seems like a game that I don't understand. I can tell that having her ask me to call her Sara was some sort of signal. Sometimes her mails are from Sarakai sometimes from Sara, still other times CTO Voutelen.
I think that means something. Some message that I'm failing to understand.
Sara took me to the fighter bays. Fighters are like frigates in size, though less modular. Sara mentioned that Caldari excellence at fighters was how they held the Gallente at bay during their wars, forcing the federation to go all in on drones as a way to compete. I've never walked around a fighter before - they're huge, although I guess that's relative on a carrier.
Then Sara offered to show me Amieta's garden. It was a place of life in an otherwise grey metal world. There are force fields between different types of plants that need different environments. Had I been a child I would have loved playing with them - moving from hot to cold and dry to moist, leaning against the forcefield trying not to put quite enough force on it to pop through.
I'm not sure Sara approved, but it was a nice place. Ami spends all her time here when she's not on duty or off ship. She does all the work herself. It looks like there's a lot of work in it.
Not everyone is allowed in - the general crew are allowed in the hydroponics area, but not Ami's personal garden.
Sara took me to the officers' mess for dinner. We got a table on our own, but it was still a public place with lots of other people around. I didn't feel like we could talk completely openly. Still, it felt like the first time we'd actually got to talk about something other than business.
The food was very good. But the point was the conversation. I asked if she'd enjoyed the dinner in Pator, and she said yes. I hadn't been sure, since she hadn't replied to my mails afterward. She said that if I had annoyed her, she'd just have security shoot me.
I think she was kidding. She does a very good straight face, so I can't be sure though.
At least I know I haven't annoyed her yet, right?
She even said that she'd be willing to give it another go, especially if she didn't have to wear a dress next time. I laughed and said if I didn't have to wear a suit it was a deal. She looked at me oddly and said she thought I looked very nice in a suit.
I told her about Lenfa's place in the bazaar. How sometimes I go there when I want to be alone, even if it is amongst so many people. She didn't want to intrude somewhere I went to be alone.
I think that's another message I need to understand.
I told her that it was an island of peace rather than necessarily somewhere to be alone, and I could share that with friends. That she'd be welcome, if she wanted to join me.
She looked thoughtful at that. But said that yes, she'd like to see Lenfa's place.
I have come to appreciate peace with Sara. Sitting drinking tea.
She told me some of the traditions of the Caldari and tea, and poison. I told her how I made tea for the Aunties when I'm home.
Sara said she isn't good with words.
So why do I enjoy our conversations so much? She said it was because she knew when not to talk. I like that idea. Like some music works best when it has spaces in the sound. It emphasises that which is there by framing it with silence. So I had to ask. Do I talk too much? She smiled and said no. I think she was even telling the truth.
I remembered to ask her if she'd like to come to a party. I told her Cia was throwing one, and had said I could bring someone. She smiled and said yes.
In the meantime, I'm hoping to see her in the bazaar sometime soon. To sit In Lenfa's and drink tea or coffee. To share a companionable silence. I think she'll like that too.
The carrier is huge. 1.3km long. The dock has a significant marine presence .
Sara was waiting for me.
I wasn't really sure how to address her, so I called her "Ms Voutelen" in front of security. I was pre-approved, so was quickly inside the ship and walking around the internals. Sara took me to the bridge first. It was suitably impressive, and I tried to ask intelligent questions. She took me to the hangar next, via an internal transport system.
It was huge. The walk-way she lead me out onto was 100 meters above the hangar deck floor. The catwalk was very fragile looking. It took me a minute or two to stop my adrenaline telling me that I was too high with not enough support.
The hangar was mostly empty, with only a couple of ships in it. We were alone. I took the opportunity to ask how I should address her in front of the crew. She said as I was a captain, and in the same corp, first name would be acceptable.
The name thing seems like a game that I don't understand. I can tell that having her ask me to call her Sara was some sort of signal. Sometimes her mails are from Sarakai sometimes from Sara, still other times CTO Voutelen.
I think that means something. Some message that I'm failing to understand.
Sara took me to the fighter bays. Fighters are like frigates in size, though less modular. Sara mentioned that Caldari excellence at fighters was how they held the Gallente at bay during their wars, forcing the federation to go all in on drones as a way to compete. I've never walked around a fighter before - they're huge, although I guess that's relative on a carrier.
Then Sara offered to show me Amieta's garden. It was a place of life in an otherwise grey metal world. There are force fields between different types of plants that need different environments. Had I been a child I would have loved playing with them - moving from hot to cold and dry to moist, leaning against the forcefield trying not to put quite enough force on it to pop through.
I'm not sure Sara approved, but it was a nice place. Ami spends all her time here when she's not on duty or off ship. She does all the work herself. It looks like there's a lot of work in it.
Not everyone is allowed in - the general crew are allowed in the hydroponics area, but not Ami's personal garden.
Sara took me to the officers' mess for dinner. We got a table on our own, but it was still a public place with lots of other people around. I didn't feel like we could talk completely openly. Still, it felt like the first time we'd actually got to talk about something other than business.
The food was very good. But the point was the conversation. I asked if she'd enjoyed the dinner in Pator, and she said yes. I hadn't been sure, since she hadn't replied to my mails afterward. She said that if I had annoyed her, she'd just have security shoot me.
I think she was kidding. She does a very good straight face, so I can't be sure though.
At least I know I haven't annoyed her yet, right?
She even said that she'd be willing to give it another go, especially if she didn't have to wear a dress next time. I laughed and said if I didn't have to wear a suit it was a deal. She looked at me oddly and said she thought I looked very nice in a suit.
I told her about Lenfa's place in the bazaar. How sometimes I go there when I want to be alone, even if it is amongst so many people. She didn't want to intrude somewhere I went to be alone.
I think that's another message I need to understand.
I told her that it was an island of peace rather than necessarily somewhere to be alone, and I could share that with friends. That she'd be welcome, if she wanted to join me.
She looked thoughtful at that. But said that yes, she'd like to see Lenfa's place.
I have come to appreciate peace with Sara. Sitting drinking tea.
She told me some of the traditions of the Caldari and tea, and poison. I told her how I made tea for the Aunties when I'm home.
Sara said she isn't good with words.
So why do I enjoy our conversations so much? She said it was because she knew when not to talk. I like that idea. Like some music works best when it has spaces in the sound. It emphasises that which is there by framing it with silence. So I had to ask. Do I talk too much? She smiled and said no. I think she was even telling the truth.
I remembered to ask her if she'd like to come to a party. I told her Cia was throwing one, and had said I could bring someone. She smiled and said yes.
In the meantime, I'm hoping to see her in the bazaar sometime soon. To sit In Lenfa's and drink tea or coffee. To share a companionable silence. I think she'll like that too.
20090915
Aiming high
Jonny wants to shoot a Titan. There's a Caldari one parked over Caldari prime in Luminaire. It's supporting the oppression of the Gallente population on Caldari Prime. So he wants to shoot it.
We have a war coming, so I moved a Typhoon down now instead of waiting for the day. While I was there, I thought I'd drop in on the Athena again.
It was less tense. Zagamesh was the only one there. He said he didn't really care about the issue on the weekend. If Jonny was going to come in and wave his dick around, he had to expect to get shit for it.
That wasn't what I thought had happened, but I kept my mouth shut. I asked after Saigan Lazuli, since he had seemed more rational. Zagamesh said that Saigan had left STRIX, so his opinion didn't count for anything.
I decided STRIX aren't worth following up. They don't seem like people one could negotiate with. Their CEO at least doesn't seem completely sane.
We have a war coming, so I moved a Typhoon down now instead of waiting for the day. While I was there, I thought I'd drop in on the Athena again.
It was less tense. Zagamesh was the only one there. He said he didn't really care about the issue on the weekend. If Jonny was going to come in and wave his dick around, he had to expect to get shit for it.
That wasn't what I thought had happened, but I kept my mouth shut. I asked after Saigan Lazuli, since he had seemed more rational. Zagamesh said that Saigan had left STRIX, so his opinion didn't count for anything.
I decided STRIX aren't worth following up. They don't seem like people one could negotiate with. Their CEO at least doesn't seem completely sane.
20090913
Rapprochement
Cia invited a bunch of us to visit a bar in the federation run by STRIX - a Federation loyalist corp. I thought it would be interesting, so I showed up. KJ and Mata, Kenpachi and Taizu showed up as well. Cia brought a "friend" called Helmi Alpassi. she's Caldari, and about Cia's age, but she has the look of a bodyguard.
Cia was trying to maintain a sort of normal conversation while some of the STRIX people were talking about nothing but war and killing. I guess STRIX is a combat corp in the Gallente Militia. I think she wanted us to like the Gallente, and was a bit nervous about how things were going. They were also giving Helmi and Kenpachi some evil looks for being Caldari. Helmi took it very calmly.
The STRIX CEO, Zagamesh, is broken. He's been fighting so long that he doesn't seem to understand why. He wants to abandon the "phoney war" that the Gallente are losing and start a total war, cos that will go so much better for them. That the price of war should increase until the Caldari people demanded their politicians stop the war. That duty demanded hard choices. He said that too many people did not have the strength of character to become monsters.
Some of our people left during this speech - KJ and Matariki. It felt too creepy.
Cia said that Duty was used by people as a justification for doing things they wanted to do anyway. That it allowed them to say that it wasn't something they'd chosen, they had to do it, and yet they formed their idea of duty to allow them to unleash their nastier sides.
This bothers me a lot. I don't think it's true, but if Cia's right, it might be because I don't want to think it's true. I don't enjoy losing ships. I don't enjoy killing people. But sometimes, when I'm fighting someone and they nearly kill me I feel exhilarated. Joyous at survival; that they're dead and not me or my crew.
Then afterwards I think about the people on board. Were they all bad people? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know.
In some ways, the pod-kills are the cleanest. I know the one person I'm killing had choices. They chose to be in a Pirate corp, they've been warned by our diplomats. and usually their sec status tells me that they've killed a lot of people before.
And there are no bystanders. No people only following orders. I spent a lot of time thinking in the bar surrounded by conversation that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to.
There was another man there - Saigan Lazuli - who seemed pleased to see us. He actually seemed interested in the idea of EM having good relations with the Federation. He also seemed interested in closer personal relations with Ciarente. He appeared mostly sane and able to hold a friendly conversation, and to tell Zagamesh he was full of shit from time to time, in a friendly way.
He had a job to go to though, so left after a while.
Then Mata's Jonny showed up. I've never actually met him before, so I introduced myself. He seemed wary, but once I wished him and Mata well he seemed almost bashful, like he was surprised that they were working out so well, and quite happy about it.
Zagamesh verbally sparred with Jonny a bit, but nothing too nasty.
Then another pilot came in and seemed surprised at all the new people. She was Kaylie Jenn, and when she figured out who Jonny was she was pretty abusive to him. She's been in the Gallente militia 3 weeks and has all the fervour of the new convert. I don't completely understand the antipathy towards Jonny. Mata said later that when he had been running Stimulus Corp, they'd kicked STRIX around a bit and memories are long.
While she was arguing with Jonny, I noticed that he never backed down once. No politely ignoring bullshit to smooth things over. Always asking her to justify her insults. At the same time engaging her argument.
While the argument was going on, Cia tried to change the subject.
Cia invited me to a party. She's having a "dry day" party which is a tradition in her home town. It's also her birthday, when she'll be 21 and officially an adult. Currently she flies a battleship with thousands of people under her command, and she's technically a child. I think the invitation is a sign that things are improving between us. It's becoming normal.
I asked if I could bring someone, and she said yes. I must remember to see if Sara is available when Cia gives me a date.
It was surreal in many ways that there was a polite discussion of party dates in the middle of a room of arguing people. The tension was obviously building, and Cia was getting more panicky, trying to pretend things weren't going wrong.
Kaylie and Jonny's argument escalated. Jonny asked if she'd like a duel, and she backed down but continued abusing him. She doubted his skill, and he asked why, if she doubted his skill, had she backed down. He was fairly belittling of her, but she was ranting.
At this point I started thinking things might go hot, and Helmi obviously did too, since she moved from an observation position to being between Cia and the potential fight.
Saigan Lazuli came back and was shocked that everything had disintegrated so badly since he left.
Jonny and Kaylie were getting more heated, and I suggested Cia should maybe leave, but Cia started heading over to get between Jonny and Kaylie and tell them "couldn't we all just get along". Helmi stopped her. Took her by the arm and almost pushed her out the door. Kenpachi and I were guarding her back.
Saigan blocked the door and asked what was going on, what was all the unpleasantness about? He looked like he'd hoped we'd become allies and could see his hopes leaking away. Helmi asked him politely to move out of the way, with steel in her voice. He moved.
I told him he should ask his people, that this wasn't a friendly place any more.
Cia told him they were arguing over who was the most patriotic. He looked anguished, but didn't try to stop us.
Jonny followed us out, down towards the docks and the interbus depot. Jonny sort of apologised for the unpleasantness. That much of it was based on ancient history. But he didn't back down. Maybe I can see some of what Matariki sees in him.
As we walked down the corridors Kenpachi had a gun out; Helmi moved between him and Cia when she noticed. I left mine holstered, but I was ready to draw. We were surrounding Cia like she was the only one that needed protection. Was that right? She's a combat pilot. She told me once that she's stabbed people to death in cold blood. What makes us want to protect her? Or even think that she needs protection?
I'm obviously not over her.
Cia was trying to maintain a sort of normal conversation while some of the STRIX people were talking about nothing but war and killing. I guess STRIX is a combat corp in the Gallente Militia. I think she wanted us to like the Gallente, and was a bit nervous about how things were going. They were also giving Helmi and Kenpachi some evil looks for being Caldari. Helmi took it very calmly.
The STRIX CEO, Zagamesh, is broken. He's been fighting so long that he doesn't seem to understand why. He wants to abandon the "phoney war" that the Gallente are losing and start a total war, cos that will go so much better for them. That the price of war should increase until the Caldari people demanded their politicians stop the war. That duty demanded hard choices. He said that too many people did not have the strength of character to become monsters.
Some of our people left during this speech - KJ and Matariki. It felt too creepy.
Cia said that Duty was used by people as a justification for doing things they wanted to do anyway. That it allowed them to say that it wasn't something they'd chosen, they had to do it, and yet they formed their idea of duty to allow them to unleash their nastier sides.
This bothers me a lot. I don't think it's true, but if Cia's right, it might be because I don't want to think it's true. I don't enjoy losing ships. I don't enjoy killing people. But sometimes, when I'm fighting someone and they nearly kill me I feel exhilarated. Joyous at survival; that they're dead and not me or my crew.
Then afterwards I think about the people on board. Were they all bad people? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know.
In some ways, the pod-kills are the cleanest. I know the one person I'm killing had choices. They chose to be in a Pirate corp, they've been warned by our diplomats. and usually their sec status tells me that they've killed a lot of people before.
And there are no bystanders. No people only following orders. I spent a lot of time thinking in the bar surrounded by conversation that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to.
There was another man there - Saigan Lazuli - who seemed pleased to see us. He actually seemed interested in the idea of EM having good relations with the Federation. He also seemed interested in closer personal relations with Ciarente. He appeared mostly sane and able to hold a friendly conversation, and to tell Zagamesh he was full of shit from time to time, in a friendly way.
He had a job to go to though, so left after a while.
Then Mata's Jonny showed up. I've never actually met him before, so I introduced myself. He seemed wary, but once I wished him and Mata well he seemed almost bashful, like he was surprised that they were working out so well, and quite happy about it.
Zagamesh verbally sparred with Jonny a bit, but nothing too nasty.
Then another pilot came in and seemed surprised at all the new people. She was Kaylie Jenn, and when she figured out who Jonny was she was pretty abusive to him. She's been in the Gallente militia 3 weeks and has all the fervour of the new convert. I don't completely understand the antipathy towards Jonny. Mata said later that when he had been running Stimulus Corp, they'd kicked STRIX around a bit and memories are long.
While she was arguing with Jonny, I noticed that he never backed down once. No politely ignoring bullshit to smooth things over. Always asking her to justify her insults. At the same time engaging her argument.
While the argument was going on, Cia tried to change the subject.
Cia invited me to a party. She's having a "dry day" party which is a tradition in her home town. It's also her birthday, when she'll be 21 and officially an adult. Currently she flies a battleship with thousands of people under her command, and she's technically a child. I think the invitation is a sign that things are improving between us. It's becoming normal.
I asked if I could bring someone, and she said yes. I must remember to see if Sara is available when Cia gives me a date.
It was surreal in many ways that there was a polite discussion of party dates in the middle of a room of arguing people. The tension was obviously building, and Cia was getting more panicky, trying to pretend things weren't going wrong.
Kaylie and Jonny's argument escalated. Jonny asked if she'd like a duel, and she backed down but continued abusing him. She doubted his skill, and he asked why, if she doubted his skill, had she backed down. He was fairly belittling of her, but she was ranting.
At this point I started thinking things might go hot, and Helmi obviously did too, since she moved from an observation position to being between Cia and the potential fight.
Saigan Lazuli came back and was shocked that everything had disintegrated so badly since he left.
Jonny and Kaylie were getting more heated, and I suggested Cia should maybe leave, but Cia started heading over to get between Jonny and Kaylie and tell them "couldn't we all just get along". Helmi stopped her. Took her by the arm and almost pushed her out the door. Kenpachi and I were guarding her back.
Saigan blocked the door and asked what was going on, what was all the unpleasantness about? He looked like he'd hoped we'd become allies and could see his hopes leaking away. Helmi asked him politely to move out of the way, with steel in her voice. He moved.
I told him he should ask his people, that this wasn't a friendly place any more.
Cia told him they were arguing over who was the most patriotic. He looked anguished, but didn't try to stop us.
Jonny followed us out, down towards the docks and the interbus depot. Jonny sort of apologised for the unpleasantness. That much of it was based on ancient history. But he didn't back down. Maybe I can see some of what Matariki sees in him.
As we walked down the corridors Kenpachi had a gun out; Helmi moved between him and Cia when she noticed. I left mine holstered, but I was ready to draw. We were surrounding Cia like she was the only one that needed protection. Was that right? She's a combat pilot. She told me once that she's stabbed people to death in cold blood. What makes us want to protect her? Or even think that she needs protection?
I'm obviously not over her.
20090909
Second chances
Mr Vikarion left a message for Cia in the public EM channel. Asking whether she'd had a chance to consider his "offer".
CJ asked in Alliance if she could tell him to fuck off and leave Cia alone. I suggested that really, that was Cia's decision. CJ doesn't think Cia knows what's good for her. I suspect she's right. But I remember a conversation I had with Cia, when we were talking about things that were important, and I would not try to take away her choices.
I was contemplating telling KJ about the "offer" though - Vikarion isn't red to us, but I suspect that's mostly because he's too far away most of the time. He's Sansha through and through, and I don't trust him having influence over Cia.
Cia came on comms later, and I did what I'd promised and passed the information on. Vikarion runs a program Cia called "Significance" which is cloning for non-pilots. There's a slow scan, and if you get killed you can come back from where the backup was taken. You lose the time since your last scan, the memories. Are you really you any more?
Still, Cia enrolled her entire crew. But the enrollment was cancelled when she left White Rose.
Vikarion's offer was to re-enroll them.
I decided now was a good time to tell her about Eva's theories, the ones she presented to the sleeper conference, about Memetic Infection. Eva thinks that with the right technology and information, it would be possible to infect a mind with something like a computer virus. Pilot minds are partially wired into a computer, and computers get viruses all the time. Eva thinks we're most at risk when jumping from body to body, especially when we've just been podded.
If it's possible for sleepers to suborn people who have been podded, then it makes sense that if they have months to work on the brain copy that's going to be implanted, that the Sansha might be able to do that too.
I suggested to Cia that she not entrust the minds of her crew to people she didn't completely trust. That I knew Silver used a similar program, and that I trusted him a lot more.
Cia told me more details about the program. What it did, how much it cost. That Silver used a commercial business rather than running his own.
If I had 5000 crew and I wanted them all enrolled, it would have cost 50 million, and to recover from a complete loss, 75 million to regrow them all. That's a lot of money.
But if I was flying my Rapier with only 500 crew, that's a very reasonable amount.
I could give them a second chance.
CJ asked in Alliance if she could tell him to fuck off and leave Cia alone. I suggested that really, that was Cia's decision. CJ doesn't think Cia knows what's good for her. I suspect she's right. But I remember a conversation I had with Cia, when we were talking about things that were important, and I would not try to take away her choices.
I was contemplating telling KJ about the "offer" though - Vikarion isn't red to us, but I suspect that's mostly because he's too far away most of the time. He's Sansha through and through, and I don't trust him having influence over Cia.
Cia came on comms later, and I did what I'd promised and passed the information on. Vikarion runs a program Cia called "Significance" which is cloning for non-pilots. There's a slow scan, and if you get killed you can come back from where the backup was taken. You lose the time since your last scan, the memories. Are you really you any more?
Still, Cia enrolled her entire crew. But the enrollment was cancelled when she left White Rose.
Vikarion's offer was to re-enroll them.
I decided now was a good time to tell her about Eva's theories, the ones she presented to the sleeper conference, about Memetic Infection. Eva thinks that with the right technology and information, it would be possible to infect a mind with something like a computer virus. Pilot minds are partially wired into a computer, and computers get viruses all the time. Eva thinks we're most at risk when jumping from body to body, especially when we've just been podded.
If it's possible for sleepers to suborn people who have been podded, then it makes sense that if they have months to work on the brain copy that's going to be implanted, that the Sansha might be able to do that too.
I suggested to Cia that she not entrust the minds of her crew to people she didn't completely trust. That I knew Silver used a similar program, and that I trusted him a lot more.
Cia told me more details about the program. What it did, how much it cost. That Silver used a commercial business rather than running his own.
If I had 5000 crew and I wanted them all enrolled, it would have cost 50 million, and to recover from a complete loss, 75 million to regrow them all. That's a lot of money.
But if I was flying my Rapier with only 500 crew, that's a very reasonable amount.
I could give them a second chance.
20090908
Relative Meaning
There's a museum in Illuin, where Cia invited a bunch of people to go for a social outing. It's nothing special for the most part, but a couple of things stood out.
There's a statue of a Pregnant Sebiestor holding a rifle in one hand, staring at her belly with a determined expression. She's by Mati Rata and is titled "One day this too shall be yours".
Different people obviously have different reactions to her.
Matariki thought the statue was telling her child that there would be fighting, but that there would be tools - that it was a message of self reliance and optimism. The Rifle was a Gallente model similar to the one we learned to shoot with when we were children, so Mata thinks of it like a promise to prepare the child to be free. That they need never be defenceless.
Cia seemed surprised that the weapon was from the Gallente. Perhaps it's a reminder to her of what the Republic owes to the Federation. I talked to her later, and she was sad too, that a woman has to think of violence at a time when she should be preparing for bringing forth a new life.
The statue made me sad, to think that before her child is even born, they have been committed to war.
Like I was.
There's a statue of a Pregnant Sebiestor holding a rifle in one hand, staring at her belly with a determined expression. She's by Mati Rata and is titled "One day this too shall be yours".
Different people obviously have different reactions to her.
Matariki thought the statue was telling her child that there would be fighting, but that there would be tools - that it was a message of self reliance and optimism. The Rifle was a Gallente model similar to the one we learned to shoot with when we were children, so Mata thinks of it like a promise to prepare the child to be free. That they need never be defenceless.
Cia seemed surprised that the weapon was from the Gallente. Perhaps it's a reminder to her of what the Republic owes to the Federation. I talked to her later, and she was sad too, that a woman has to think of violence at a time when she should be preparing for bringing forth a new life.
The statue made me sad, to think that before her child is even born, they have been committed to war.
Like I was.
20090903
Openings
I've been busy for the last few days. KJ has come down ill, and Matariki and I have been fueling a corp low-sec moon tower. KJ threw money at us, and we had to find out what was needed and get it down there. Mata was finding the materials and buying them, and I was hauling and loading. Mata is a little twitchy about going to lowsec at the moment.
It's something new. I've not been involved with moon towers before. It's an opportunity to learn, maybe get into the production side of things.
I did dinner with Sarakai. I wore the new suit - it's not as flashy as the black one with the gold courting patterns - and I like the subtle designs in the weave. Sara wore a slinky black floor-length sleeveless dress. It looked spectacular, but I'm not sure she was entirely comfortable in it. I don't think I've seen her out of uniform before. Later she said that occasionally she might like to try wearing it again.
It was the same restaurant I took Cia to, although I didn't organise a private booth or menu this time. Sara doesn't eat very much, so the food wasn't center stage. We talked. About clothes. About dressing up. About being alone.
Sara asked me if being alone bothered me. It had never bothered her, but she was starting to think that it bothered other people. I told her a bit about Cia. That it had been like stepping out from the dark into sun light that was both wonderfully bright and horribly blinding. That I had screwed it up. That now I noticed I was back in the dark, and that bothered me in ways it hadn't bothered me before.
She asked if I wanted to try it again. I said "Yes. One day. With a little more thought maybe".
Was that an offer?
I didn't think so at the time, but afterward I wondered if I was missing something.
Sara told me she had been alone from very early, after her mother died. She was running a street gang by the time she was 16. She got arrested and given the choice between joining the Watch and going to gaol. She quite seriously said that if she'd stayed, she might be running the place now. Since then, she'd been surrounded by people and yet always felt alone. In the Watch, and in the Guristas, and now in Silver's employ.
I think Sara's enjoying spending time with me. I'm not expecting anything more. I'm not even sure I'm offering anything more.
I like spending time with her. She seems at peace, and I find things like sitting and drinking tea together very relaxing. She doesn't make me feel like I have to talk all the time. That sometimes silence is welcome.
But I don't know what she wants.
I don't really know what I want either. Sometimes I think she's interested, in a very dry and subtle way. Other times I'm sure she's not. Sometimes I think I'm interested, and sometimes I think I'm not.
I'm twenty four. She's fifty something.
What does that mean when I don't have my original body? When I might have a body about this functional indefinitely? Does it come down to life experience? Sara is very good at what she does, but sometimes she seems as awkward as I feel. Like she put growing up on hold to survive in the slums, the Watch and the Guristas. She did what she had to to survive and that included shutting down her feelings.
Maybe she's thinking about opening them up again.
It's something new. I've not been involved with moon towers before. It's an opportunity to learn, maybe get into the production side of things.
I did dinner with Sarakai. I wore the new suit - it's not as flashy as the black one with the gold courting patterns - and I like the subtle designs in the weave. Sara wore a slinky black floor-length sleeveless dress. It looked spectacular, but I'm not sure she was entirely comfortable in it. I don't think I've seen her out of uniform before. Later she said that occasionally she might like to try wearing it again.
It was the same restaurant I took Cia to, although I didn't organise a private booth or menu this time. Sara doesn't eat very much, so the food wasn't center stage. We talked. About clothes. About dressing up. About being alone.
Sara asked me if being alone bothered me. It had never bothered her, but she was starting to think that it bothered other people. I told her a bit about Cia. That it had been like stepping out from the dark into sun light that was both wonderfully bright and horribly blinding. That I had screwed it up. That now I noticed I was back in the dark, and that bothered me in ways it hadn't bothered me before.
She asked if I wanted to try it again. I said "Yes. One day. With a little more thought maybe".
Was that an offer?
I didn't think so at the time, but afterward I wondered if I was missing something.
Sara told me she had been alone from very early, after her mother died. She was running a street gang by the time she was 16. She got arrested and given the choice between joining the Watch and going to gaol. She quite seriously said that if she'd stayed, she might be running the place now. Since then, she'd been surrounded by people and yet always felt alone. In the Watch, and in the Guristas, and now in Silver's employ.
I think Sara's enjoying spending time with me. I'm not expecting anything more. I'm not even sure I'm offering anything more.
I like spending time with her. She seems at peace, and I find things like sitting and drinking tea together very relaxing. She doesn't make me feel like I have to talk all the time. That sometimes silence is welcome.
But I don't know what she wants.
I don't really know what I want either. Sometimes I think she's interested, in a very dry and subtle way. Other times I'm sure she's not. Sometimes I think I'm interested, and sometimes I think I'm not.
I'm twenty four. She's fifty something.
What does that mean when I don't have my original body? When I might have a body about this functional indefinitely? Does it come down to life experience? Sara is very good at what she does, but sometimes she seems as awkward as I feel. Like she put growing up on hold to survive in the slums, the Watch and the Guristas. She did what she had to to survive and that included shutting down her feelings.
Maybe she's thinking about opening them up again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
